EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

My son is trying hard but not really liking the drinking/ clubbing culture of freshers week either. Today he gets to see the clubs and societies though and this is the main day he's been looking forward to, although there were also a couple of course intro lectures this week. He enjoys gaming though so the being on his own bit doesn't bother him as he'll happily sit in his room with his mic and headphones on chatting to virtual friends.
He feels he should be socialising but isn't enjoying it much and seems to be the flat's sensible one at the moment.

The amount of clubbing seems to vary from university to university. My dd2 is going to research this aspect when she applies this year.

The day for seeing clubs / societies is on Friday for dd1. It has been a mixture of registration / meeting departments / meeting at the bar / with union club events in the city (so she has only missed the latter). Had a look on the home page but couldn't see much. She is really enjoying it & doesn't mind being by herself sometimes (as long as it isn't all the time), but I reckon that it is easy for students to disappear into bedrooms and be miserable.

I can see it must be a massive logistical exercise for universities trying to keep so many students occupied for a week.

mrsrhodgilbert I completely agree with you. There are so many students who just don't want endless clubbing and some universities seem to think that they do. My DD opted out of clubbing last night and stayed in with a couple of new friends. She's also been out with them to suss out the nearest supermarkets and they've visited the university laundrette (not to do any laundry, just to look and see what it is like!).

I'm sure many of them would prefer a wider variety of events and that shouldn't be difficult to organise.

I'll be glad when this week is over and "university proper" starts!

Last year DD3's university student union events included a quiz night, Karoke event and masquerade ball. They didn't arrange any clubbing events.
This year there has been a pizza evening and a daytime BBQ as well as other non clubbing events. So not all universities do clubbing. DD3 only tried clubbing when her flatemates wanted to go q bit further then the student union.

Which university was it mumeee?

secret squirrels - certainly not easy and I like you am almost resenting mums whose ds have decided not to go to uni. Feel reassured by others that it will get better. Just support and love.

Can I be part of this please? So struggling with departure of my ds the youngest child. Everything is making me feel sad. He seems abs fine; have messaged him each day since Sat. Please tell me I will readjust.

I sympathise with all of you I was a bit of a wreck last year I found it so so hard and then after 3 weeks ds came home for 4 days to do some filming and then went back and I just felt so much better as I knew it was a natural thing the to ing and fro ing. This year it was much easier no tears and I feel quite happy Kathleen it will get better I never thought it would xxx

noddyholder - thank you so much. At the moment I feel as tho' I will never be happy again. So helpful knowing things will improve.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach 24/7 for 3 weeks I just missed him so much but it really does find its place in your thoughts and gets easier and less sad. I love it when he comes back even though he alwats brings a crew with him!

Am hoping I can join in here . DD gone to Uni on Sunday - she seems fine but I am really struggling. Can't really tell anyone as have DS and DD2 still at home so everyone would think I was bonkers ! Very close to tears today - had a brief reply to a text earlier but just want to ring her and hear all about her day. Am trying so hard not to cramp her style as she seems to be throwing herself into things but feel totally adrift today. The house is so much quieter and I just miss chatting with her :(

Hi again traceyinrosso70

Have you tried Skype? We are leaving it to dd1 to contact us (so that she doesn't feel hounded), but she seems to want to tell us about things at the moment. It is lovely to actually see her face & that she is happy. In your situation, I think it would help a lot. Perhaps not if a dc is miserable though, as it would make it harder.

Notsoskinny DD did Chinese as a gcse so after a quick test they will determine if she is intermediate or not. She does get bored if she has to go over the same subject matter again and again so hopefully it will be at her level, she is picking Japanese as an elective as well. Personally I think she is slightly bonkers but she is loving it so far.

We made her take a doorstop and to have a door open policy for the first week. She seems to be getting on with her flatmates who are all different nationalities. Her first major worry was the stick the got as the first flat to set off the fire alarms meaning all 400+ students had to trial outside. She thought she was marked for the year over that but apparently the alarms have gone off at least every day since so they have been forgotten now.

We have installed Skype so we can chat but for some reason mine doesn't transmit sound so till we get it fixed we are looking at each other and talking over the mobiles. Not sure that will save us money.

I agree that freshers or 'piss up week' could do with some updating. DD doesn't do clubbing or much drinking (I would have loved it when I was 18, I was a very different child) She has been searching out comic book shops and exploring Preston, she is at Uclan, trying to find somewhere which sold stamps. She even found the launderette last week, no laundry done yet though

Hi Littleham we have set up Skype but I don't want to be the one ringing her as, like you , I don't want to hound her. She has seen a message asking what she has been up to - it was their day to sign up for societies- so would love to hear what she has signed up for but don't feel I can ring knowing she has seen the message and chosen not to reply !! Spoke to her briefly yesterday and she is fine , likes her flat mates but it's just me missing that close contact and feeling involved :(

It is really difficult when you have such a close relationship. I expect she is so caught up in having fun (& is also probably tired) that everything else has gone out of her head!

To all those whose dc's are struggling - my dd1 had her first lecture today and met her 'siblings' ie. people in the same year group & doing the same subject. She made friends with four of them & was glowing with happiness when she called tonight. I think it gets better when the 'real life' of university starts.

So hold on until Fresher's week is over! Things may get better.

traceyinrosso70 and kathleen 55 I can totally relate to the not wanting to cramp their style. both my ds left on saturday for the first time. the youngest has finally started chatting to me a little today. it has been so hard not to hound him as you say. last night i just sobbed most of the night, today feels better cos i feel like he is letting me in a little bit, even if only a couple of texts. i'm trying to be cool - it's like starting a new relationship!

tracey I think I feel exactly the same as you. My contact with DD has been minimal, it's mostly been secondhand via facebook with DD2. I'm sure she thinks that's enough, but I'm really missing the chats and knowing what she's up to. Our house is too quiet too, and I keep expecting to hear her or for her to emerge from her bedroom.

I've sent three texts, none of which she's replied to. Feeling not exactly hurt as I'm sure she's simply too busy to remember to reply, but it would be nice to have my own contact with her, not just secondhand.

Going to try not crying myself to sleep tonight

all contact with mine via facebook and a couple of texts. the youngest text me today because he had nothing to do, he had watched a programme & text me to say how good it was so I just tried to keep the chat light and talk about the programme & now im watching it so I can talk more to him about it!

Littleham DD3 is at Bolton university.

DD1 went back on Monday, DD2 today also into Y4.

It still seems odd and I do get sad.
DD1 was a worry as she had left finding a house till 3 weeks ago. All her friends have left as they were doing normal three year courses. The only people she knows are other language students or medics.
DD2 has had to take up vac res even though her term officially starts tomorrow. No kitchen. Not good. Then she has to move on Monday to a totally different place.

They survive...we worry...

I think I need to join this thread. My eldest Ds went back to Uni -year 3 a few days ago. My youngest Ds is leaving on Saturday. We have a very close relationship and I am really struggling. Feels like a big loss, I may be struggling more with this as their sister died when she was nine, and its making familiar feelings come back.
I look forward to seeing my youngest Ds when I return everyday from work and its going to be difficult knowing that they have both left home now. It was easier when his brother left as I had one at home still. Plus his brother was a bedroom dweller and didnt come out much or talk as much. My youngest is very chatty, fun to be with and he makes me laugh. Just going to miss them. No one has any idea in the family that I feel this way.

So sorry you are feeling miserable littlejo67. You have such a lot to deal with.

Your two are the same way around - quiet older one and chatty second child (dd2 goes to university next year hopefully) so I will notice a big difference then as well

Could you arrange a visit to your eldest son (half way through the term) ? That way you would have something to look forward to... How about some small treats for yourself. Also Skype has kept me in touch with dd1.

littlejo67 I can so relate to your comments. I loved being with my DD1 , from day 1 in reception I have had a blow by blow account of her day and now just nothing :( I don't think I will feel the same if DS goes to Uni as he has always been more private so I don't expect the same level of contact. I so want to text her this morning as didn't get replies to messages yesterday but think she may just think I am being a neurotic nuisance !

My son is seeing my messages but only replying to some. He is dyslexic though and has never been keen on long written replies, but also isn't keen on being phoned on his mobile if he's busy.
New friends are being added on facebook though and he knows where I am.
I don't want to be one of those mothers who demands a daily phone call. Thinking back I probably just phoned my parents now and then to let them know how I was, but contact was different in the 80s.