EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Wishing her luck with the applications.

I think all of them who can find time eventually realise that a part-time job is necessary if they wish to continue with the lifestyle with which they have become accustomed. Also once they have left, it will look far better on their CVs, no matter what it is. We took DS back, to his new house, and he was very flat when he realised that no-one was in. It was because they are all second and third years who stayed in the city because they had jobs, apart from one poor new 1st year girl. So later on they all came back from work, went out for takeaways and watched a DVD together!

He's so lucky, last year his old flat started out as Party Central and being a quiet boy he did find it hard, he needs his sleep and doesn't drink much.
However, it did quieten down, until, he said, the end of the month when they all got paid and went clubbing together or when it was someone's birthday. It's the excitement of not having any parental controls - but it soon wears off, please reassure your daughter, Macca.

DS's lot were all set to join in with a giant beach barbeque the other night - (presumably on the banks of the river!) but at the last moment they all admitted that a quiet night at the pub which stocks board games would be preferable - DS said he was so relieved. As was the only true newcomer to the student life - the poor girl, the only one in his house, who had been so nervous she scarcely left her room. Once she realised that she wasn't in a houseful of drunken louts she has come out of her shell very quickly! So it took her a good three days to relax.

Littleham DS was in private halls last year, and they said they tried to mix the years a bit so that the older hands could advise the newer. However, if a crowd booked a flat together, that was fine.

DS learnt his lesson from last year, and got them all to agree to bin and cleaning rotas straight away. The fridge freezer isn't really big enough for five, although bigger than usual, so they are ganging up on the agents to provide another, which should relieve the only real stress they have, as in this house they all cook, unlike the last where only two of them did. Also there have not as yet been any fights about dirty crockery in the sink! Fingers crossed it continues so peacefully.

mrsrhod lovely to hear from you - what can I say? Keep taking the tablets?

What I can add to what the others have said is that the sadness does get better, much better. I cried on and off for days last year, I think this year I felt sad for a day and only squeezed out a single tear. I get odd wistful moments, but I haven't forgetfully laid a place for him and burst into tears, or gone to get him out of his den and send him to bed, or walked into his room to tell him something, or any of the things that set me off last year.

Macca" very sorry to hear of the loss of your older daughter. You have obviously had a terribly difficult year.

Sorry,too, to hear that your younger daughter is having trouble settling in. This was exactly the situation we faced last year when DD2 started uni - we had a lot of tearful calls and upset. She was more than happy to go out drinking (!) but found it very hard to make friends with flatmates, even though she and they were all big into clubbing. Don't think it is the drink/no drink question which is an issue here, but just the general difficulty of making new friends in a completely unknown new environment. It's easy to be put off by the slightest thing...

DD2 got very ill during her first term, was way behind with work and utterly miserable. In the end she left at Christmas and has spent a happy 9 months working hard as a waitress in a cafe and travelling in Thailand (with obligatory Full Moon party experience, ie yet more drinking/clubbing).

She has now returned to the same uni as before, but on a slightly different course and in different accommodation. We left her on Friday and so far have had more tearful calls and upset.....she is still finding it hard to make friends and the flat set-up does not help, as everyone is behind a closed door much of the time, with only limited contact in the communal kitchen.

Think what I am saying is that they all have the idea that everyone will fall into each other's arms and be together at all times, but it doesn't work like that - it takes time to build up relationships.

Based on this, we are encouraging DD2 to go out and join clubs/societies, preferably ones which meet regularly and are not too expensive (ie not the sky diving club, and I am not joking...). DD1 did rowing while at uni which does cost a bit, but is good in terms of encouraging regular physical activity which I think is helpful in encouraging general well being.

I know from DD1's first time around that she did start to meet people more once the actual teaching started - she often teamed up with other girls to walk to lectures or get a coffee afterwards.

If you think your daughter would benefit from changing accommodation to somewhere that's less 'party city', she would be best off doing that sooner rather than later. DD2 did change halls in late November last year and tbh it was no help - the flat she went to was already a fixed group, with its own problems/quirks, so it was really a case of out of the frying pan into the fire.

You have my utmost sympathy - I have and do find fielding all the tearful phone calls and desperate messages absolutely heart wrenching and exhausting, and you are in a much more challenging position. The very best of luck to you and your daughter.

I have never had that from either of mine, at least I have been spared that pleasure!

DD just rang to tell me that she loves Chinese, (doing Chinese and pacific studies foundation year) and hates study skills (no surprise there) She is also going horse riding with the uni tomorrow, which is why she needs a part time job. She found a NFL group as well so she can watch NFL on Sundays with them which she often did with her dad

ancientandmodern Hello there. I am sorry to hear your DD is struggling again, it must be so hard having gone down this path before.
Do you think that having a freshers week before lectures start is actually harder? At least in lectures they will be with people who they know have a common interest.
DS is also going to a "flat" rather than a "corridor". Perhaps they should prop their doors open with the proverbial MN door stop.

Skylark 2 - She’s had a look at some of the societies and will try and join a couple. Course starts on Monday although she has a couple of introductory meetings tomorrow – I am hoping she chats to a couple of her fellow course mates tomorrow and finds that they are OK. Fingers crossed.
I did tell her that it probably wasn’t deliberate but she reckons they just forgot about her because she is so quiet!
I have suggested that she ask that girl to go for a drink one evening but she is scared of being turned down – I have told her so what, just suggest another time. Can’t be any worse than the situation she is in now!!

Littleham - I rang the accommodation people today but they can’t apply to move before the 6th October – no exceptions! She is also worried about going out of the frying pan into the fire, but I’m not sure if it could get any worse!
No community bar unfortunately and the others just think she’s strange because she doesn’t like clubbing!! I think she has been very unfortunate with the people she is with.

Madeof kent – I’ve told her all this but she can’t see past this week at the moment and thinks it will be too late to have any sort of a social life – you can see why I’m at my wits end, she is very negative about it all.

Ancient and modern – I think you’re right, they expect everything to be wonderful and be best buddies with everyone straightaway. She finds it very difficult to make new friends anyway but has spent the summer trying to build her confidence so that she could do it – these insensitive people have just blown it all apart. It doesn’t help that my DD1 did settle into Uni life very quickly although it was not without issues, she did have a lovely bunch of flatmates. DD2 just can’t get along with hers, she tries to make conversation but gets stonewalled – its awful. She can’t apply to swap accommodation until October, there are no exception and yes she is worried about going from the frying pan into the fire!! Its so hard to know what to do for the best. I’m sorry your DD is still struggling, I sympathise.
I am struggling with all the texts and calls, I’m not in a good place myself just now and I just can’t cope –nothing I say seems to make a difference anyway.

I have spent a couple of hours phoning round local universities to see if she could transfer with limited success as none of them actually do the course she is currently on. There are a couple of variations so I have noted them down. Depending on how she is tomorrow after her introductory lectures I will broach the subject of whether this is something she wants to consider. If she wants to continue with the course she is on she will either have to stick it out or defer til next year (and potentially face the same problems) – if she wants to commute from home she will have to compromise on the course.
She has been through so much, its just unfair that this has all gone pear shaped. Its making it so much harder than it should be.

I know this is a complete longshot macca21, but I wondered whether any of our dc's are at the same university & could help out? All they really need is one person to go round with at the beginning. My dd is at Bristol and would happily help if she is there.

If not, I really hope she meets someone soon.

macca I've been thinking about you today, and hoping that your DD was a bit happier. It seems so hard for her to settle in and also it sounds that the others aren't being helpful.

My DD says one girl in her flat is very quiet and doesn't seem to want to join in. I've told her to think about it the other way round, maybe the girl is shy or homesick and the others need to be friendly and make sure she joins in. It would be good if your DDs flatmates could do the same.

I think freshers week is a bit of a nightmare for so many students. (I remember hating mine several decades ago). Some will seem over confident and fall into friendships easily, but many will be feeling insecure and upset. Hopefully if you can get her through the weekend she will be happier once she gets started on lectures. A friend's daughter hated freshers so much last year that she came home for a couple of days but is now happily settled with a like-minded group of friends. She also joined a local church which has given her a circle of people who aren't at the university.

Good idea of Littleham's . If you feel able to say where your DD is, maybe one of us can get a DC round to her. And look after yourself. As you say, you're grieving for two daughters. Do you have anyone to speak to in real life?

Not sure any of us were aware we were signing up for all this when we had babies!

ancientandmodern sorry DD is having another tough start. It took DD a term and a bit to find proper friends, she's never been the sort to have friends for friends sake, whereas DSS threw himself into freshers. Sometimes when DD phoned upset DH would make a comment about her needing to fit in with others, to lighten up, etc I nearly murdered him several times Anyway DSS rushed to rent a house with his new clubbing mates but come the summer 2 have dropped out and he can't stand 2 of the others. I suppose what I'm trying to say, although its not much comfort at the moment, is its very rare for lasting friendships to develop instantly.

debs DD's doing Japanese but she's disappointed with the slow pace of teaching even in the advanced class I had tears over that as well. When she was struggling to settle in she started to research language schools/unis in Japan as an option.

MiddleAge I think this chapter must've been missing from the manual we bought

DD3 is in second year and is at Bolton. She is a caring girl and would help out. As I said she tried nightclubs but didn't like them. In fact in the first week they just went to events at the Student union. She settled down to just joining her flat mates in the kitchen before they went out. Macca21 it's early days and once your DD has started her course and joined some societies she might find some people who are like her.

Hi *Secretsquirrels - yes totally agree that Fresher's Week is too long and there are not really enough activities to keep them occupied, leading to a lot of fretting and worrying. Once lectures start (particularly for maths and science subjects where there is virtually a full day's timetable; less so for arts subjects) then I think it is easier to get into a group that walks the same way/sits together/takes the same breaks etc and so build up friendships slowly.

After this year's experience with DD2 I would definitely endorse the MN doorstop. She's in brand new accommodation where there is a line of bedroom doors in the corridor in the flat leading to the kitchen and because they confirm to modern fire regs they are all very heavy and shut instantly, so it's a very forbidding prospect. When you first go in, there's the unnerving feeling that there are people inside but you can't see them - unless they are sufficiently mature to come out and make themselves known, of course!

Because she'd had such a good sort of 'gap year', I think she (and we) under-estimated what a shock it would be to be back at uni. Part of it is the fact she's returned to the same place, and is desperate to have a great Freshers experience, so wants everything to be fresh and marvellous, whilst at the same time having memories of how it was before. As a result, I think she's instantly getting upset when something isn't absolutely great, instead of just letting it ride for a bit and hoping it gets better. (Yesterday there was a lot of tears over some favourite jeans which got left at home, plus not having a cable for the printer, which meant I had to post those off yesterday special delivery at vast cost)

Also, this endless stress on nights out is problematic - DD2 does go clubbing when she's at home, but it's very occasionally. Most of the time when she's out with friends they are in the pub chatting or at a cheap pizza place. Somehow she seems to feel that this would be looked down on at uni - really she should find someone who's as keen as she is on watching the US TV show Gray's Anatomy and just organise a marathon viewing session!

There will be new friends to be made at uni but it doesn't happen overnight for anyone, let alone the shy ones.
AM Greys Anatomy is DS's favourite tv show of all time. We watched the entire box set series 1 to 10 together from January to June when he was very stressed. It's blissful trash and was perfect for relaxation.
His idea of a good night out is a pub quiz with a few friends.
It's a very big event for them, not surprising your DD has hopes for everything to be perfect. DS seems to be one of the last to go this weekend, one or two of his friends have have some tears and homesickness.

mumeeee thank you. this is our first time on our own in nearly 20 years. It's harder cos hubby has to work evenings and i work days so i'm coming home to an empty house. last night was horrible. eldest is at least texting us each day but the youngest doesnt seem to want any contact. they both seem fine which i know i should be glad about but just wish the youngest wud say hello.

Do they not have people at the unis that the students who are struggling can talk to, create a group for the ones that dont want to go out getting drunk every night?

All our dc's should have gone to the same university!

Last year Bolton had freshers events at the weekend and in the evenings, The lectures actually started in that first week.Which I
think actually helped DD3. This year they had a proper freshers week but they had some day time stuff like a welcome and welcome back BBQ at one of the halls for all students there.

DS's freshers has a packed day timetable of induction lectures as well as the usual fairs, society/sports sign up and night events which from reading on this thread seems to bethe best way for a uni to settle in every student. He has not only met his flat & and block neighbours but also those on his course (he has to take part in a group presentation on Thursday) so he hasn't had time to worry

Macca21, I am no expert but your poor daughter has had a huge amount to contend with over the past six months - as have you.

She has held it together through her A level exams, but it does not sound surprising that she is stumbling now. Leaving home, effectively the end of her childhood and the stress of new places and new people, may be a step too far.

I would research what student welfare services are available and get her to go along as soon as possible. Grief can hit several months later, at a point when you feel you are getting back to "normal". Handholding (counselling) by a professional should help her work out what is best. Simply giving up, having done so well in her exams, might seem like failure. There will be options, including perhaps, deferring for a year.

And look after yourself. You have had a truly dreadful time.

I hope everyone who has struggling DCs has better news today or as they start lectures next week.

My DD is fine, sounds very happy and quite busy. I wasn't expecting to miss her quite so much even though we are very close. Cried myself to sleep (again) last night. Not that I'll let her know, she doesn't need a sad mummy to worry about. Also worrying about DD2 who is missing her terribly.

Thinking of you macca and ancientandmodern, let's hope your DDs settle down and make friends soon.

I thought them starting school was bad enough, this is far worse!

My DD is at Bristol too Littleham (catered - WH).

Macca21, I'm so sorry for your terrible loss, and I agree with Needmoresleep that your DD should talk to student welfare, as she has been through so much. My DD is not really into clubbing, but does go occasionally to be social - and has been going this week because it's Freshers. Afterwards she's more likely to be found in the bar or at one of the societies, so I'm sure your DD will find that things will calm down soon..

It's harrowing to read about these young students being so upset again, takes me straight back to last year with dd1. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, but that's not the end of the world. There will be an alternative way through, in our case commuting.

I well remember the long corridor with closed doors, even the corridor light was on a timer so if you did wedge your door open it would be very dark out there. I think they should employ us mums to design halls of residence. I would insist on a communal lounge area with activities for each hall.

I also can't believe that student unions cannot come up with something more creative than clubbing, for goodness sake. They are supposed to be intelligent young people, many of whom must have known some misery at the beginning. It's very poor to have a whole week with little to do other than get drunk or feel left out. A young friend of ours is missing freshers this week and is just going to turn up at the weekend, I admire her for that.

It gives me the rage, sorry, rant over.

I agree with you mrshod that the accommodation should be designed with communal areas and more provision for the quiet ones. My dd would be happier with quizzes etc.

BlueStringPudding - They must be sharing the bus! My dd is on same site but self catering (the cooking / shopping / cleaning is going very well) so all that training by me over the summer didn't go to waste!

She is in a block with older ones (although most of the blocks are Fresher's), but they are all lovely & she has been going out to the communal bar to find the other Fresher's. She doesn't like clubbing, so no problem there, but I'm hoping she finds someone in her hall or lectures to go around with at the Fresher's Fair. Her department have been fantastic & have provided her with a 'family' of older ones.

Clubbing certainly isn't on the agenda at DS's uni. I think it's down for one night this week and one night for next. I think today there are things like learning to do international dance, a walk around a nature reserve, things to volunteer for locally, tasters of things like law society and street dance, and Nerds society - whatever that is! If you can see your DCs uni homepage it may take you to the events available - there is even a family fun day. I sometimes think that some teens ONLY see the clubbing. Last year DS went scuba diving at the local pool, and got hooked on airsoft. I think he went clubbing just once during fresher's.

*madeofkent thanks for the suggestion of the uni homepage, where I have spied a few suggested outings and shopping trips (but still quite a lot of clubs/music style events).

DD2 seems to be feeling a bit brighter and less anxious -she has received my parcel with the printer cable and a large stock of KitKats, and a flatmate who's an engineer has got the printer working for her which I feel must mean they have at least had a conversation! She also reports having gone to the Fresher's fair and signed up for a couple of clubs (French - logical, she made good friends with a girl from Paris while travelling -and the Navy (??!!)

*mrsrhod so please to hear your immediate treatment is over and hope you are recovering from the shock of the diagnosis. You will be amused to hear my DH is in complete agreement with you on freshers and suggested to DD2 that she just turn up for the start of lectures, which was not a welcome idea.