EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Oh macca, what an awful position to be in.

For what it's worth, I think you've said all the right things - I would just make sure if/when she calls again that she's considered that a lot of her flatmates will have bought into "you go out every night in freshers week" while having no intention of it carrying on beyond that. I know my DD has.

Are there any societies she's planning to join? When do they have a welcome meeting? She's much more likely to have a lot in common with other people who share her interests than with a few random people in her flat.

I personally would not go and get her unless/until she says explicitly "please come and get me" and I would make sure I wasn't the one to suggest it. How long is long enough to settle? I would say a lot longer than half a day - you can't really count from when she arrived, it's from when you left that matters IMO. She's the one who has to know if it's not right for her, you're the one who gets to be safety net and sounding board and that's so difficult :(

Really hoping that the next thing you hear is that she's spent the day drinking coffee and talking about favourite hobbies with a couple of kindred spirits.

Oh, Macca. how terrible for you both. Please encourage her to stay a bit longer, she'll hopefully find a few quieter people soon.

DD1 went on Saturday, was a bit worried about the social life as she's not that sort. Friendly but doesn't drink or go clubbing, etc. The first night she just stayed in and chatted, last night she went to a departmental event at a pub but had orange juice. A friend of hers cried all the way to her university yesterday but apparently found someone else who was feeling the same and they stayed in to eat cake together last night. The image of super-confident, partying students is really exaggerated.

Your poor DD must be feeling so lost and you've had such a bad time recently (sorry, that doesn't even begin to describe it ). I hope she can give it a bit more time and begins to settle. Are her course tutors aware of her situation? I think some universities have a buddy system where the less confident people can be kept an eye on.

Will be thinking of you today and hoping it's a bit better soon. Your DD sounds very brave, actually, to carry on with her A levels and get such good results, and then to build up her confidence over the summer.

Macca21 sorry to hear about your DD, Part. of it is probably because she missing you, You are right she needs to give it a bit more time. She won't miss out on making friends if she doesn't go out with her flatemates.
Last year DD3 went out to some Freshers events with her new flatemates but not all of them.
She still made friends with them and they were fine with her not drinking much. She did try nightclubs a few times but decided they were to noisy for her. Again her flatemates were fine with this. She used to sit chatting to them in the kitchen untill they went out. This year she is in a different flat to those friends actually I think a few of them are in different flats. Anyway she has already been over to some of their flats.
One other thing when DD1 went to uni she was convinced she had nothing in common with 2 of the girls in her halls. They become 2 of her best friends and nine years later they still are.

My ds on his freshers' week. Left him on Sat - how can I feel better? I am so proud but just wish he was here! Feel bereft.....

Hello all from the class of 2013, it's nice to see some familiar names. Dd has gone in for her first lecture his afternoon, after a very awful first year she is living at home and commuting 40 minutes each way. She was a bit nervous when she set off. She's worked full time all summer and doesn't feel like a student at all at the moment, I hope she sees some familiar faces.

I'm quite well now after my shock breast cancer diagnosis in May. Treatment is over and I take a drug everyday to prevent ( hopefully) a recurrence.

Macca, I was so sorry to read your post. Your daughter sounds just like mine a year ago so please don't feel alone or that she is behaving differently to everyone else. It takes some of them quite a while to settle, some like mine never do, but give it a little longer. I understand that living from phone call to text to teary Skype conversations is really hard. I hope she settles a little better very soon.

Thought I would move to this thread if that is OK?

My dd1 is a quiet non drinker as well (in Freshers week) at the moment. She is enjoying herself so far - no one seems to care whether she drinks or not. And apparently it is a big drinking / clubbing university.

One question - is it usual for different year groups to share a flat?

(If anyone has a dc who is unhappy, a lot of universities have an accommodation list for people who want to swap round.)

Another one signing up. Hello to the old hands.

My PFB DS goes on Friday. It's a day I've dreaded for years. I kind of envy my friend who's DC is not academic and has just found a job locally. Chances are those who go off to uni end up living and working in a different place from where they grew up.

DS had a difficult year up to the start of the summer but everything has turned round for him since then. He's happier than he's been for ages and looking forward to his new life so I'm mightily relieved.

I have put my feelings in a box not to be opened until I wave goodbye smiling.

His halls are 8 person flats and as far as I know he will be with all first years 4 male/4 female. There are post grads in other flats.

Is your DS the youngest secretsquirrels? Much tougher. He will be fine & I remember he does Maths, so the world will be his oyster. Not sure about languages for employment prospects, but will cross that bridge later!

Why not arrange a really big treat for yourself for next week? We went out after we dropped dd1 off to go and see a film & have a meal. (Although I'm a bit of a fraud as my nest isn't empty yet - but it is a bit weird all the same).

I expect dd1 has two older flatmates because she came in as an Insurance candidate, so they were probably filling up slots. The girls sound lovely though & the advantage is that they are giving her lots of tips of what to do and what not to do. The surrounding flats have loads of freshers too.

Macca it's so hard when the don't settle in but its early days so hopefully she'll find some kindred spirits when lectures start. Like mrsrhod my DD really struggled last year and I went from one teary phonecall to another. We live close enough for her to come home but not near enough to commute and when it got too much she'd jump on the train.

I gave her until xmas and then got tough telling her she either made the best of it or packed it in because she was making both of us ill. I felt like the worst mother in the world but she realised she needed her degree which is only offered at a few unis so little chance of switching and she might have the same problems to do what she wants and went back with a more positive mindset and finally found her kindred spirits.

In the meantime just be there when she needs you and let her know she's not the only one feeling that way.

DDs in the same private halls. Last year her flat was all 1st years but there were older and international students on the top 2 floors. This year the halls are fully booked with the majority being returning students and she says its a lot quieter. She was invited to join her flat by a friend and then someone left over the summer so they got a "random weirdo 3rd year" last week who keeps turning all the sockets including the fridges off and locking the communal doors

Evening all - I am also class of 2013 - returning for year 2. Ds has now moved back to his student house permanently after bouncing back and forth all summer. I still miss him hugely but he is happy and thriving and embracing all that student life involves and for that I am grateful. His house is fairly grotty - I certainly wouldn't want to live there, but he seems to like it!

Macca I too am really sorry to hear that your dd is struggling. You and she have been through so much this year. Freshers week/fortnight is a bit of a mad time - encourage her to take one day at a time. As others have said, there will be lots of clubs and societies and if she is brave enough to give some of these a try she may well find friends.

mrsrhod I am so pleased to hear that your treatment is over - I have often thought about you over the summer.

mrsrhodgilbert Good news about your treatment.
macca it's hard enough waving them off when all is well, so sorry for your loss .

littleham I have DS2 at home, just embarking on 6th form. So nest not quite empty yet.
As for DS1 the world will be his oyster in theory yes, but he has some anxiety issues still and career wise I'm not sure what he will do. I thought there was huge demand for linguists anyway? As you say though, that's not today's worry .

macca - Just read the old thread. So sorry about what you are going through. My nephew is also starting uni having just lost his Dad & has had counselling. He also took a gap year. I hope it improves for your dd.

mrsrod - Good news!

secret - Warwick had one of the best careers services I saw. They also make sure that students are able to get jobs on the campus, such as tour guide, so that might help him.

Hi, can I join in please. I have 2 boys they both started uni on Saturday. I feel so lost. Hubby works 3 - 11. Tonight was the first night coming in to an empty house. The boys seem to be settling in well, they are fine which of course I'm really pleased about. Please tell me this will get better, I am missing them so much.

Welcome Tracey48 It mist be hard having 2 DCs go at the same time. Yes it will get better although it might take a little while. DD3 is now in her second year, she went back last week and I'm getting used to her being gone again.
Mrsrhod That's good news. I hope your DD has a really good second year.

Welcome Tracey48 It must be hard having 2 DCs go at the same time. Yes it will get better although it might take a little while. DD3 is now in her second year, she went back last week and I'm getting used to her being gone again. She is our third and youngest to fly the nest and go off to uni. Last year it seemed very strange when she had gone as we were suddenly on our own for the first time in 26 years.
Mrsrhod That's good news. I hope your DD has a really good second year.

Where to start - thank you all for your messages - I'm not sure how to address them separately. We are still struggling today. It started off well enough, she chatted to a couple of her flatmates in the kitchen and then she met up with a friend of a friend from home to go round the Societies fair which was a success.

However all went down hill again when she got back to her flat. Everyone was in their rooms with the doors shut - they then had a block meeting which they all had to attend and which involved going over to the Uni (Halls are off campus) - she texted me to say the one girl wasn't in but the rest of them had gone without her. Lucklily she knew where to go and then met up with the other girl who hadn't been out but it knocked her confidence and she just thinks everyone hates her.

I think she has been very unlucky with her flatmates but everyone in the block appears to be the same - other peoples flats are constantly in and out which I don't think is helping. I've had her on the phone twice this evening in tears because she thinks she's ruined her chances of making friends because she doesn't want to go clubbing (she did go on Sat night but doesn't want to go again). There is a pre drinking session going on in her kitchen but she won't join in (I've told her she's not really helping herself here) because she says they are all being rowdy and playing horrible music. Apart from when on the phone to me she says she has been sat in her room staring at the walls.

I've been over everything again, telling her that every week is not like Freshers week, there will be other people like her, she will meet other likeminded people on her course or any clubs she joins. Its not as if she doesn't enjoy going out, she does but would rather go to a pub for a drink or out for a meal. Her flat mates just don't understand this.

She keeps saying she wants to come home - I have told her she can come home anytime she wants to but she should at least wait until her course starts to see how that goes. I have also asked her to consider all options, ie deferring her place til next September or reapplying elsewhere for a different course at a Uni closer to home so that she can commute.. The course she is currently doing is only offered at a couple of different uni's and they are all a lot further away so she probably couldn't transfer this year. She says she wants to get her degree so she is going to have to find a way that works.

Under normal circumstances I would make her stick it out til Christmas but I think that is too harsh and am aiming for a month at the moment, taken on a week by week basis (or possibly day by day)

I am at my wits end - its so hard. I just don't know how I am going to get her through this week. I feel like I am grieving for both my daughters at the moment.

Sorry that I've rambled on.....having read some of your comments I am hopeful that she will settle but I have a feeling she has just taken on too much too soon thinking that its what she should be doing.

Did she like the sound of any of the societies? It's much more likely that the going to the pub type "going out" will happen after society meetings - I don't think I ever went out to the pub with the people I was living with in uni, but we went after society/club meetings all the time.

When does her course start? If she can just stick it out until she gets to the timetabled bit of term I think she'll find it much more to her taste. I do think this massively drawn out "freshers week" is very hard on the non party animals. I'd have loathed it. We showed up at uni on the Thursday and lectures started on the following Monday. I think that was plenty long enough.

Really mean of them to go off without her to something they knew she had to come to - though maybe they didn't hear her come in, or everyone thought someone else had checked? It could easily have been a mistake rather than deliberate. Good that she met up with the other girl, who may well be feeling just the same. Would she feel confident enough to ask that girl if they could do something together, even if it's only drinking coffee in her room, or going to / cooking lunch or dinner together? We did a lot of that. Far more than organised "going out".

Fingers crossed that it gets better for her (and you). There WILL be other people there who are more like her. It's just that they are difficult to find, especially initially.

Hi mrsrhod so pleased to hear you are doing so well and your DD has returned for her next year - good for her working all summer.

To all those finding it difficult to be parted from their DC I can only say it does get easier. DS had a very rough start, being hospitalised with a spontaneous pneumothorax in Freshers week and missing 5 weeks of term. It was a nightmare for us 4.5 hours away and resulted in several extended stays in his uni town. Thankfully he made a full recovery and went on to get a high 2:1 that year. He is our one and only and we've always had a close relationship so we found it very hard.

We've just dropped him off for his 4th and final year after his year abroad in Germany and France and I can honestly say I am now pretty relaxed about it all. Just as well as I don't expect to see him for more than about 3 or 4 days between now and Easter as he's spending Christmas & New year in the US with his American girlfriend. Obviously, I still miss him - or I wouldn't still contribute to this thread - but I've had to accept he's his own man now not that that stops him from asking for our help when things go wrong

Oh heavens macca21 you both have had such a tough time
I'd be more worried ( I think ) if she wasn't struggling
Maybe she ( and you ) are taking on too much too soon , but hopefully once the course actually starts and she meets more people like her things will improve

DS has settled in happily , joined the American football team , and the gym .
Facetimed us from the kitchen while he was cooking his dinner ( sausages and ready made mash )

Then messaged me on Monday morning at 07-24 to let me know he was showered , dressed and ready for Uni !

DD is in the process of doing her ucas application , and DH said last night that this time next year they will both be away from home and what will we do ?
Has he only just realised ?

macca21

I reckon if she / you explained the situation to the accommodation office of the university that they would move her to a different flat or hall. There is probably a real party animal type that has been put in a quiet flat that also wishes to move & the accommodation office could just swap them around. Apparently it happens a lot a the beginning of term & I'm sure they would be sympathetic given what she has been through. You have nothing to lose by ringing them up...

My dd1 also dislikes clubs / drinking & is a quiet reserved person, so she just goes along to the pre-drinks at the hall bar & talks to people. Does your dd's flat have a communal bar?

No one even cares that she isn't drinking & there are other non drinkers (but she wouldn't have found them if she had stayed in the flat). From that point she says it splits 50/50, with half the people going into the city to clubs and the other half staying to chat / play games (which is more up her street). Once the societies start it should also get easier for her.

DoIlooklikeatourist - Our second dd is doing her UCAS application too. It does seem weird that she will also be going to university next year. Glad your son is happy. DD1 has used Skype and her bedroom is TIDY!!

Soo happy to have found a support thread. Am missing DD1 like crazy. She is enjoying herself from what she has told us but still worried about her.

Also wondering how you are coping financially? We are on benefits and our income has plummeted £300 per month. We were hoping to help DD as much as possible but not sure if we can manage ourselves now

Is she in a city or town where she could get a small job Debs75? My dd1 is going to investigate a Saturday job once she knows the timetable. She already has her eye on one café that is advertising for Saturday and Sunday mornings.

That might take the pressure off you, while not interfering with her course too much.

Yes she could and there will be a load of Christmas jobs going now. We looked at her budget and realistically she could easily get by with another £25 a week and be laughing. A 4-5 hour job per week would be perfect, she isn't in Uni all day every day so she should be able to squeeze that in