EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

She's almost the female equivalent of my DS, then - and he has done amazingly well. Half of my empty-nestishness, I now realise, was because of my worrying about him so much. Musician, too. He too refuses help of any kind, he says that he is not going to get any help in life as he gets older, he needs to find his feet and sort it out for himself. I have been astonished. Mine has a short-term memory problem, but apart from forgetting to hand in a piece of final exam work, so only getting a C for it as the tutor did see the first few pages, he had a wonderful first year - a little bullying at about the 6 week mark when one horrible bully in his flat picked on him, having realised that he is just slightly different.

He leaves this weekend - he spent a day at the new house, his father drove him over with five flatpacks to assemble and forgot to leave him the toolbox. I got a frantic phonecall saying that there were no instructions in any of the boxes, so had to go back and see where I bought them, find the exact items and email him the links to the online instructions, he had to then wok out how to do it all using his phone and a single cheap screwdriver lent by one of his new flatmates!

Final clothes and food-shopping today, clothes and computer packing tomorrow and then off again this weekend. I shall miss him, but now I know that he will be fine, I shan't be as anxious or feel I need to know where he is every minute of the day - I do know how you feel, merlincat. We are friends on facebook, and I encouraged him to use it more with his old best friends from school, and that has become our main means of communication. I suppose one quick phone call a week and perhaps two or three messages a week are the average. It was probably twice that to start, but I knew if I went on to facebook, there would be photos linking back to him in clubs, and I could see when he was online - so knew that he was still alive!

She will probably need to sleep, if she is like mine, he tires very easily and needs a fair amount of sleep, but not at normal teen hours. She may wish to come home just for a rest after a while. The good thing about your DD is that all of a sudden, she will find herself surrounded by people who are all intelligent and who share the same interest - I have told DS to be very grateful for this time in his life, because afterwards he will have to put up with all sorts of strange people of all ages and walks of life - and it comes as a shock.

That's good. Have you managed to cut down on phone calls yet?
DD3 is helping with a Freshers event tomorrow. They are cooking breakfast for the students in one set of halls, Not sure they will get much take up on the breakfast. Thought students liked a lie in and not many of them eat breakfast. In fact DD3 herself doesn't eat breakfast very often. Oh well they might end up doing q brunch.

Hello. I haven't read the full thread, or the previous two, but can I join in?

Have just got back from taking DD1 to university for the first time. She's fine, we left her happily unpacking and chatting to her flatmates. I was ok until it was time to say goodbye. Managed not to be too tearful until we got into the car to come home, then sobbed for the first couple of miles (DH was driving, fortunately).

Feeling quite wobbly now. I need to go into her bedroom to check for laundry etc but not feeling strong enough yet!

I know it will get better, but today it's all a bit new.

Welcome middle. Yes it will get better but it might take a little while. I"m still getting used to DD3 being gone for her 2nd year but don't feel as empty as last year when she went for her first year.

It does get easier Middle we went for a meal on the way home after dropping DD off last year just to delay going home. She's grown up so much over the last 6 months that I'm missing her more this time (her focus and ambitions for the future not the mess ). I've only had a handful of texts, mainly about her year abroad, so I know she's much happier. I've got to go up there tomorrow with the non-essentials that wouldn't fit in the car last week and the dog

notsoskinny glad to hear your DD is happier and settled this year, Yes haven't all our Dcs grown up. DD3 is like your DD in being grown up about her future but not the mess.

Thank you mumeee and notsoskinny. Not quite so wobbly now, but laying the supper table for three instead of four set me off again. Not sure why, I've done that loads of times when she's been out or away.

I hope everyone's DC are all ok, it seems hard to have them far away.

Can I join in? Just dropped my son off at Sheffield. Was fine till got home and saw his empty room...know he's going to have a brill time and so excited for him bit feeling sorry for myself, if you know what I mean!

I thought I was fine after sorting his room, giving him a cuddle, driving home, looking into his empty room....but the wobbles have started

Mine has just texted to say that she's been with her new flatmates cooking a comunal supper out of what they had all taken. Goodness knows what it was, mine only had a few tins, teabags and cornflakes.

Now off for an early night as two of them have to be up early for something sporty in the morning. Phew, I imagined her out on the streets until the early hours even though that isn't really her thing.

First night at uni and she's in bed before me

I'm sure it will get better for all of us.

Phew, knew I could come back on here for a good communal wobble!

Took DS back yesterday and felt absolutely fine at the time. But as one of last year's posters said, it is still pretty bad after they have had most of a long summer back at home with you, then leave you all over again. My wobbles started this morning when I realised we wouldn't be sharing a late Sunday breakfast in front of the news, then when I opened the fridge and it was bare of bacon and sausages and cheese, a small tear when I passed his room and the blinds weren't down... He's the last to leave and now it's just me and DBH, and choices for Sunday dinners limited by only cooking for two. In fact Sunday dinners don't exist when DS isn't at home. However, washing, food bills and cleaning are all halved! Still not much of a compensation IMO. He brought new ideas, technology, jokes and a fresh viewpoint into our household. I miss being a Mummy.

made you'll always be a Mummy.

I've still got DS1 at home, he's an aspie and has a lot of issues around food so I don't force him to eat at the table and he seldom eats the same as us so when DD left last year I started buying nicer steaks or smaller joints of meat so we could still have a roast dinner. She's a fussy sod so its nice to have something other than chicken or pork every weekend although DH is moaning because I've got salmon for tonight, I'm resisting saying 'tough, if you want something else go to the chippy' because he would

Tell you what I am missing - trashy telly we spent the summer watching rubbish like Dance Moms, Say Yes to the Dress, etc, etc and my our excuse was DD's sky subscription had been cancelled so she couldn't watch TV in her room. Good excuse needed so I can get my fix

middleage, I don't suppose your DD is at Reading?

Only my DD also went off yesterday, rather worried as she also had to be up early this morning to go compete (and therefore wasn't going out yesterday evening) so it's a bit of a coincidence!

skylark2 no, not Reading, sorry. My DD wasn't doing anything sporty, just a couple of her flatmates. I hope your DD is fine about the early starts

made, I agree with notso, you'll always be a mummy.

Once the first week is over, we'll all feel a bit better, I'm sure.

She's fine with the early starts - she was more worried about "everyone else" making friends when they went out and she didn't. I can't see it being an issue myself. That's the great thing about uni, lots and lots of very different people, it's not like school where if you don't fit in with the popular group you may not fit in with anyone.

Just spoke to DS, he is much happier today (a bit unsure yesterday) and is getting on with his new flatmates, they are all going to a 'beach barbeque' tonight. He was a bit flat yesterday because none of his course friends are back yet. I did say they probably have jobs/girlfriends etc. keeping them at home for a bit longer, but I think he thought they would all be as keen as he is for term to start again. I phoned just to check that his voice sounds as chirpy as his messages! I feel happier now. Last year I was miserable for weeks. Which now seems quite odd, but I think it marked the end of 28 years of parental responsibility and I felt redundant, as well as missing him.

Can I join too? My DD has only been a University for two nights and already wants to come home. We have had a very tough year, got divorced in April and then my elder DD was killed in a car accident in May. Younger DD was very brave and continued with her A2 - getting 2 A* and an A - amazing. She decided she was going to continue her plans to go to University and has stuck with this decision despite a couple of wobbles.

However, we have had a dreadful weekend - we took her yesterday and I stayed over so that I saw her again this morning (thinking it would help her settle). She said yesterday that she didn't think she like any of her flatmates although she went out with one of her flatmates and a couple from another flat in the same block and had an OK time I think. The trouble is she is very quiet and shy, doesn't drink much but is happy to go out sometimes. She now seems to have formed the opinion that her flatmates are the type that want to go out all of the time apart from one girl who is just keeping herself to herself.

I have spent most of this evening in tears as she has been texting me all evening telling me how miserable she is and how she doesn't want to be there. She seems to think she has somehow ruined any chance of making friends now as she spent most of today in her room crying (after I had left her early afternoon)

I have tried placating her with all the usual responses - its only her second day - everyone isn't suddenly best friends with everyone else apart from her even if that's the impression they are giving, she will probably make friends with people on her course and any societies she joins but all to no avail.

Her last text to me said she might as well drop out now and be done with it - she was fooling herself thinking she could go to university and be sociable and that she spent the summer building up her confidence for nothing.

I'm trying to convince her to give it a least another couple of weeks to see how her course is although in reality I just want to drive up and take her home, maybe the time isn't right for her at the moment, but how do I know? How long is long enough to settle? I'm feeling like I should have talked her into deferring for a year instead, although I know really that it was her decision to make, not mine.

My already broken heart is being smashed to smithereens.

I don't know if anyone can give me any helpful advice but just needed to get this off my chest...