EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

DS going back to Uni on Saturday ( he did one term last year , then had to take medical leave of absence for eye surgery )
The dining room is slowly filling up with all his bits , DH will have to take him without me as I'm running my own business now , and can't afford to take Saturdays off at the moment
So DH will be driving to London from south Wales and back in one day . I wanted him to stay overnight , but he wants to come straight home .
I'm sure DS will be fine , he's very laid back and nothing seems to faze / phase (sp) him

Well DD3 is just about packed. Our dining room is looking full. Just got to get it all in the car tomorrow morning. We are aiming to leave at 9, I can't believe she is starting her 2nd year.

DS goes back next weekend, I'm making him sort out some of his old hobbies and toys this week, I don't want to be accused of throwing it all out in 20 years' time! I think I shall get him to sign something, saying that he takes full responsibility. He can keep it all he wants - but tidily stored. Currently I can't even walk across his room - I shan't miss that aspect. It's just sunk in that he's going back, I think, for all of us. He has been with us for the past three weeks, and asked if we could all watch Dr. Who together tonight!

Dropped dd 2 off yesterday and feel like part of me is missing . Cried buckets last night . I have 4 dc and shouldn't say it but we are particularly close , never really fallen out and I am soo proud of her . We've enjoyed every bit of the 18 years together and this is just such a huge change. Ive separated from DH after 25 years earlier this year also and she was amazing .Keep seeing things in the house that set me off! pathetic aren't I ? Like she hadn't pinched my shoes or my dressing gown or my face cream and I actually MISSED that !!!

Phew got everything except 2 pairs of non-essential shoes and pillows into my little car. Chaos when we arrived as they weren't letting cars in to unload this year so, as I needed to drive past and go round the block again to park up don't you love one-way systems in unfamiliar towns, I decided to be cheeky, drove up to the gate and they let me park in a staff bay the woman did recognise DD from last year so maybe that helped

We went in for her keys and all the staff said hello and chatted about her summer. There was a poster on the wall about a buddy system for people struggling to settle in and straightaway DD volunteered to help. The manager, who'd consoled DD and others during those first months said more to me we should've thought of this before.

After unloading we found the retail park she's been transferred to and did her food shop but the carpark, which had been easy to get onto, was gridlocked so we ended up mooching round the shops and having a meal before going back to unpack so I could bring boxes/cases home.

What made me laugh was her phone never stopped with people asking if she'd arrived, did she want to pop round to their flat, meet at the pub, go for something to eat - everything she wanted to do when she arrived last year - and all she wanted to do was unpack and go to bed as she'd been on late shift all last week. I think know this year's going to be ok

HI notsoskinny Glad you had a good drop off and your DD is ok.
We had no trouble getting DD3's stuff in the car. DH had booked am estate car but they didn't have any left so gave him a 4x4 for the same price.

fakeblondie I do feel for you. I was just the same last year. I shall still feel sad this year, I know I will, but very slowly I am adjusting to the change and feel that actually it has been good for both of us. Last year I almost felt as if I had been made redundant, but it was astonishing how other things turned up to make me feel needed - and I was also amazed that he by no means seemed to want to disown me! So we are still just as close. Mind you, if a friend contacted him and asked him to go away on my birthday weekend, and we had arranged to meet up for a meal, I know I would come second...

notso that is amazing, isn't it. Like you, it has been a huge source of amazement to see how DS has adapted socially. It's brilliant, just fingers crossed that his new housemates are nice. Because it's in a brilliant situation, so I want him to stay put next year as well.

We're having to move him in in stages, so it's very expensive and time-consuming as we are having to furnish him.

Well he forgot to pack towels , forgot his oyster card , but managed to pack his sisters debit card , the bread knife and a pizza cutter
The student loan has been paid in already and I'm sure he will be fine
Miss him , as a person is missing , but don't miss the mess , the back chat the fact that there are never any biscuits ...
Just hope he remembers to do some work and not party all the time ( fingers crossed )

Hi merlincat
I was a bit like you last year as DD3 started uni then. She was a shy 21 year old with dyspraxia and other learning difficulties and was like a much younger teen.
I found arranging to call her every few days helped and I would text her in between and try not to worry if she didn't text back. I actually mainly worried about her losing her phone. Anyway I made an effort to go out with DH more and we also got a cat in fact we were looking after it for a young friend who had gone to college and couldn't have the cat with her.
Anyway I missed her terribly at first but it gradually got better. DD3 actually surprised us and made a real effort to make friends with her flatmates it helped they were all nice girls and looked out for each other. She did get a bit home sick and we went up to see her about a moth after she had gone which helped.
Anyway she has now started her 2nd year and although she is back in halls with different students she is keeping in touch with all her old flatmates and other friends. She actually went over to see a couple of them the other night and stayed awhile.
We had to just let her get on with it as she is 200 miles away.

merlincat yes I would say 3 or 4 times a day is to much. I think I phoned every other day at first but did text a lot between. It helped we stayed overnight when we took DD3 so saw her on the Saturday and Sunday. She like your daughter found it hard to socialise. But she had seen her sisters go to uni and worked out what to do. She was determined to make friends and actually introduced herself when she first went into the flat. I actually couldn't believe this was the same daughter who often looked to us when people spoke to her. She actually went to a Freshers event with them on the Saturday evening rather than coming for a meal with us
On another subject has your daughter got Disabled Students Allowance?

Has she actually applied for DSA she might be eligible. We weren't sure if DD3 would get it as her learning difficulties are a bit complicated. However she applied and got it which means she got a lap top and printer, An electronic recorder to record lectures with as she finds it difficult to take notes quickly and legibly ,soft ware to help her proof read her work ,computer and extra time in exams and a study tutor who she sees once a week ( although because of some misunderstanding she didn't get that until the 2nd term). The university also provides her with a human proof reader if she needs one and all her tutor are aware of her needs. We did have some trouble before she applied for the DSA with her saying but I want to do this on my own but we managed to explain to her she was doing it on her own but just had some support in place to help her which was really no different to a physically disabled student being provided with equipment.

merlincat she might get a mentor for her socialising problems I know of others who have this. We actually hoped that DD3 would get someone to help her with her organisation as she does have problems with that. Although I think her study tutor is helping with some of that for her assignments.
Yes I would try and point her in the direction of the disability office I'm sure they would give her some help and advice. However you can't make her ago and sometimes I think it is better to just let them get on with it.
Glad to help. I am actually on the computer as I'm supposed to be doing work for my QCF Level 3 Health and Social Care Diploma I'm doing it for work.. So helping you has given me some distraction to difficult and frustrating questions.

Well DD went back on Sunday it was lovely to have her home but I am glad she's gone back. I said to my dh that I will miss her when she's gone then he reminded me she's back at the weekend for her friends birthday.

merlincat, it does get easier although you may find this difficult to agree with right now. I found the key for me was to keep busy so I had less time to think about it, and to stay out of DD's room.

And yes I agree phoning 3 times a day is too much. Maybe even try to go for a whole day without contact? Totally opposite problem with mine who is very bad about communicating. I find messaging on Facebook works best - short and sweet.

Hi Merlincat. At least you know now she is making friends and going out. What is the Zombie society? Don't worry it will get better.

Perhaps she is just trying them out to see where she finds comfortable and fits in.
At least she is trying stuff,
How is she getting on with her flatemates?

It's hard not to be anxious when they first go to uni. I would try and arrange with her how often you phone her maybe every other day and stick to it. I'm sure she'll phone you if she need to. I"m missing DD3 at the moment as the house seems quite after having her home for the summer but not as much as last year. I haven't spoken to her on the phone yet but have had a few text conversations but even they haven't been everyday,