EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Snap mumeeee, and DD is planning to go off to visit relations at the other end of the country at Easter too. However we are off to see her the week after next.

We have to see my DS next week. He forgot to take his printer with him so DBH and I have a good excuse to take that, a few other things he needs and inspect his room and catch up with what he has been up to.

He never ever posts any photos on fb, which is truly aggravating, but fortunately he has some very accommodating new friends.

Hope all sickly ones are well, and all spiked/mugged/robbed/dumped ones are getting over their shocks, they are all learning some very tough lessons. Ds's new flatshare, after the old nice one left for gambling away his student loan, is a chinese boy who won't talk to anyone. So he is feeling a bit low. He was hoping to get some cookery tips and take the boy with him to explain what all the jars are in the chinese supermarket, but no chance.

DS gone to US girlfriend for Valentines - must be special as it's taken all bloody day to get there. They are off to Rome for a week on Sunday - lucky whatsits, then Paris - alright for some. Nest feeling unusually empty
Hope everyone is keeping warm & dry in this awful weather.

dd just announced she flying home for the weekend on Fri, was not amused when I said fine...but we are away in the sun from Weds til Monday! she now decide to come back following week :)

DDs just had her first rant for weeks and is not a happy bunny. The gf of one of the boys has come to stay for 2 wks and smokes pot weed - you're so old mother all the time. She's also found a dealer who'll supply the others when she goes back

Fussy your DS sounds like he's having a wonderful time, young, in love and european cities - what more can you ask for

MABS enjoy the sun. We normally go away at half term but DH is in grievance hell with a union rep winding up his support staff because she was moved, temporarily, to another team when someone else was rushed into hospital so it looks like he'll spend most of the week in work.

made hope things pick up for DS soon.

mrsrhod how's you DD getting on?

Hi Notso, I'm still around but not posting much. We've had a tough few weeks with dd, she's very unhappy. She has just sent an email to the subject head ( I know that's not the proper term) about concerns over the quality of the teaching. Lots of cancelled lectures, time wasting, asking students if they want to skip sections, students walking out etc. it sounds like a bit of a shambles. I've no idea how her comments will be received. I actually thought she was going to refuse to go back this week but she has said she will finish the year. Whether she will begin year two is another matter and will partly depend on whether the teaching improves. It's not just her feeling like this, her friends are disillusioned too.

The flat is a very lonely place still and there is still a huge exodus at the weekends which is a shame as its a beautiful city with lots to do. She is looking to commute for next year, she's not willing to commit to a house share while she feels so uncertain. A friend from home, also in her first year elsewhere, has just admitted to her that she is receiving counselling now as there are problems with her flatmates. It was a huge surprise to hear that because from her fb page she looks to be very happy. I think second term homesickness is kicking in too. Dd is concerned about her friend but it also made her feel less alone with her troubles.

Sorry she's still having a tough time but its good that she's determined to finish the year. I wonder if social networks/mobile phones have something to do with so many of them struggling. DDs life revolves around twitter and other forums and I wonder if she'd put a bit more effort into making 'real' friends whether she'd have had an easier first term. Years ago they were probably just as homesick but had to make do with a weekly phone call home from a payphone and they wouldn't know about their friends who are having a great time and us, stressed out, mums would be blissfully ignorant.

DH is always moaning about the poor quality of uni teaching and how it isn't subject to the Ofsted style inspections he has in FE. DS often had lectures cancelled/times changed which was a pain because he lived at home and we're over an hour from his uni. He stopped asking for help/guidance when one lecturer told him he'd have an unfair advantage over other students if he answered his questions

That's dreadful! It showed initiative! DS's main tutor has had to be on stirike which hasn't been helpful, but at least he puts what they are meant to be doing online, don't your DC's tutors do the same? The other two lecturers are still turning up, and now that the intros to this term's courses are over and done with, they have been told that they have a choice of times to turn up, as some of the lectures will be given three times a wekk to accommodate numbers. DS is only just starting to discover these facts, maybe some never do! The tutor is a 'friend' on fb so thay can always contact him. So after hearing what happens to your DCs, I think he is very lucky.

He has started to look at other flats. I was astonished to find that he wants one that is a studio flat with a kitchenette for just one person. I thought he would want to share, but no. It's rather sad really.

DS went through a phase of wanting a studio flat for his second year but I put my foot down because I said it was too expensive and would be too lonely.
Of course a lot later I realised it was because he had a girlfriend and they wanted a flat to themselves and didnt want to pay out for a 2 bedroom place.
But luckily because I had put my foot down they ended up in a house and although there were all sorts of issues (drugs/insanity/major computer buff not socialising/girlfriend didnt get on with best friend /failing exams) you name it, the housemates had it, it was good life experience, though it probably didn't contribute to a lasting relationship even though the girlfriend shared the house.
There are all sorts of on line and face to face get togethers which universities organise to help housemates find housemates and I do think it helpful to share a house. They learn about gas bills, plumbing, account keeping etc.
I agree though that some of the students are so twitter face book orientated that they have poor face to face social skills, for example to organise meals and food in a house, but by and large they manage and experiment and make good friendships in the end and learn to discriminate who is sensible and who isn't.

DD3 mmentioned studio flats but decided she didn't want one as it would be to lonely. She still doesn't know what she wants to do though. A couple of her flatmates are thinking of going to private halls but she's not sure if she wants to do that. It's a converted hotel and the rooms ate nice ensuite and a free flat screen TV. However the rooms are on long corridors and although there is a shared kitchen on each floor it would still be like living on her own. She can apply to stay in uni halls. Mrshod sorry to hear that your DD is still having a hard time.

Notso, I think you are definitely onto something with regard to social media having a part to play in the lack of socialising. When I was at university I had a radio and a cassette player in my room, yes I am nearly 50 ( in 6 weeks not that I'm counting), so had to get out or go stir crazy. I had a weekly call home, if that. But they can be completely entertained and in touch without speaking to an actual person face to face now. It's so sad and dd is so disappointed to be with people who spend every evening hiding away.

She hasn't had a reply to her email yet, 2 more practical sessions have been cancelled but some lectures have been better this week. Probably 30% of planned teaching time since Christmas hasn't happened. How can this be ok? I know a lot of library time is required but they need some guidance otherwise why not use the OU?

She seems very set on commuting from September, it's about 35 minutes on the train with a short walk either end. Not at all ideal but possible and many do it for work. I just hope she doesn't have too many 9am starts. There are people still looking to share so I'm telling her to keep an open mind but I just think she has been badly bruised this year and is protecting herself. She is also very careful financially and it will cost us all a fraction of the money to travel rather than pay rent. I think that's the effect of working for a year after school, she has seen how hard you have to work to earn. It's not our issue at all, we had planned to be paying her rent, but if we don't have to it will be easier when dd2 goes in 2015.

Hi, I've just found this thread. My DD went to uni in September and I have to admit I miss her like mad. She's home at the minute for her reading week and I'm loving having her around the house again!

mrsrhodgilbert what you said about not realising someone is unhappy because of their Facebook profile strikes a chord with me! DD found that when she was homesick, it was made a lot worse by being on Facebook and seeing her friends' grinning photographs and status' about how much they were enjoying themselves. Sort of an 'everyone is loving it but me' situation. After a couple of conversations, it turned out that some of them were struggling as much as she was.

She's doing much better now- loves her course, loves her flatmates, loves the city. The only issue is that she is finished by Thursday afternoon and weekends are very long and lonely for her. She isn't the type of girl who can lie around in bed for days whereas her flatmates choose to do it. I suppose when the workload picks up for summer exams she will appreciate the time though. She's just got a job too, so hopefully that will help to fill the weekends for her!

Sorry for the epic- lovely to find a thread like this!

so sorry things are still rough for so many. dd flew back today, meeting her at LHR later on then off on a short holiday, can't wait to see her!

Not been on for a while. Mrsrhod a 35 minute commute doesn't seem so bad but it might mean you have a house full of students next year.
Dd is coming home tomorrow about 6 to go out with some school friends and heading back lunchtime on Sunday. Obviously doesn't intend spending any time with us

DS's commute was still is because he works in the same city 40 mins. The killer is the 30 minute walk to the station and 10 minute uphill walk to uni. He's got aspergers so I know he would've struggled in halls but I did worry he was missing out but with hindsight commuting was probably the best thing for him.

DDs home for the weekend so we stopped off for a bit of retail therapy and a natter. Her flatmates for next year have found a private let a couple of minutes from where they are now, 32 bedrooms divided into 5 flats. The pictures look lovely but its blummin expensive, she forgot to mention its a 12 month lease when she asked if it was ok to cancel her reservation at her current halls, but they seem like a nice group and I'd pay anything for her to be happy after last term.

DS IS in private Halls! They are lovely but horrifically expensive (grandparents helping out as are we), a studio flat is actually cheaper! He has been to lots of private houses and seen how little storage they have compared to what he has, the studio flat he has seen is more like what he has now but he wouldn't have a cleaning rota. Or the worries about splitting bils. I don't think he's ready for that just yet. Maybe next year. He has made some good friends (he has slight asperger's so it's a miracle really) on his course and through OTC, it's just the flatmates he doesn't get on with. He had been saying he would just go anywhere and cope, but having seen a friend's studio flat he is very keen to have one.

Private Halls are very good, they do repair things incredibly quickly and also are not above punishing whole wings if someone won't admit to wrecking the place or setting off fire larms or leaving piles of vomit on the stairs... They fine heavily if people don't own up, so inquisitions are held until the perp is found.

Depends if the aim is to train them for coming back home in their mid twenties so that they are clean and tidy and don't vomit on the stairs or whether they are capable of living out independently and therefore have some idea of what it is like to keep accounts and pay bills and cope with little domestic difficulties.

The novelty of seeing her wore off quickly! Hi from Dubai to all x

MABS! Bet your weather is better than ours...

funnyperson yes, just that my DS has a short-term memory problem, so think absent-minded professor. We had to check that he would be able to cope at all, as just remembering keys and id stuff was a challenge, let alone to pay bills on time. I'm having to slowly let go, a bit at a time, and he has had to remember to put reminders for himself on his phone for every aspect of his life. Any big change to his routine is quite a problem for him, memory-wise. He keeps emptying the bins on other people's days because he can't remember whenhis day is and hasn't remembered to put the new day on the list in the kitchen. He's very independent though, so he will have a go at house-sharing when he feels ready for it.

I can't see him coming home, I realise more and more, it is just too quiet here. We are miles from anything. The 25 yr-old boy over the road has been commuting every day to Ipswich and living at home, saving up enough money to move to London for a few months to try to get a job there.

I'm praying that a nice bossy girlfriend will come along and organise him.

Not sure that the girlfriend should have to bear that - she might marry him and get pregnant so he should still have to be a bit independent. All girls are human and many nice ones are disorganised. My DD is bossy and organised but I want her to have a nice caring empathic intelligent gentle strong boyfriend who can look after her, or at least be equals with, not one who needs looking after. It must be heartbreaking to hear about him emptying the bins on the wrong days though. Can he have a visual timetable on the fridge door etc?

Yes, he does have a list in the living area, but is too proud to admit in front of the others that he needs it updated. He did admit to them that he was scatty - once when i went round someone had stuck notices on everything to help him to remember, but they all fell off eventually. As for the organised bossy female part - being married to his Dad's not that bad. I should have known that DS would end up like him. It did confuse me at first, when DBH forgot he was meant to be meeting me a couple of times, but I soon trained him up. I have a copy of DS's timetable and anything he is really worried that he may forget, and send him a prompt on fb occasionally, but I am actually quite impressed. If he loses his phone/organiser he will be stuffed, though, as he has joined so many socities and has so many committments.

I have a highly organised and extremely independent older daughter, so you can imagine the shock to the system. It took such a long time to make him admit that he had a memory problem to himself, that training him to make lists and keep memory aids around took quite a while. He is very lucky though, he is good-looking and funny and kind, so people don't get too impatient with him. These threads have been a real blessing, as I have been able to foresee any problems that might affect him, and prepare for him and warn him in advance. He forgot to check links to two pieces of work for his exams worked, but still did well, so that was a huge relief and he will be more careful next time.

I know what you mean madeofkent. DD3 is Dyspraxic and has other learning difficulties. She is very disorganised with general living things although more organised with her uni work. She is getting support with this this term. Anyway so far this term she has misplaced her rucksack, a pair of climbing shoes we bought for her birthday last month and a 32 gigabite. memory stick that she bought. She thinks they are all in her room. She''s very untidy so she'll probably find them under her bed or in some corner covered with other stuff. She does however know when all her assignments are due in and puts other important stuff on her wall planner. She also plans. any new journeys carefully as she knows she has trouble so researches how to get there.

They sound very alike, mumeee. When DS had to use memory sticks at school I had to buy him ones with a hole at one end that he could draw a long piece of black elastic through, wear it around his neck under his shirt when not in use, and tie it around his wrist when it was in the computer. Of course he didn't like it - but when he lost GCSE coursework he soon gave in. Now he keeps them on his keyring - which he wears on a chain attached to his jean belt loops.

funnyperson he would look after a girlfriend, he is lovely. If something or someone is important to him, it goes in his phone. Housework however hasn't managed to make it there. Having said that, his room isn't too bad and his kitchen stuff is all clean and tidy, it's just his clothes that are all jumbled together in the wrong drawers and he lost a whole drying rack of clothes for a week, until someone went to the broom cupboard and it was all in there. He had thought it would look tidier in their living area, but forgot where he had put it.

I think it is possible my DS has undiagnosed dyspraxia and autism but when I suggest he goes to the student learning support service for help with organisational skills etc he gets very cross with me. He has lost his passport with some very important lifelong visas stamped inside. He knows he would loose a memory stick so he emails his work to himself at the end of each day. He has lost the iphone twice, dropped it in water once and crashed its screen once. I love him though. I went through a 'hope he gets an organised wife' phase but now I think I want him to learn how to do it himself, even if it is learning the hard way, and oddly I think he is learning.

I think DS is learning that he does have to be organised. He is quite ambitious and he knows if he mucks this up, it is harder now to get a second chance at uni than it used to be. When he was at school I used to think he was managing ok and then he would mess up something really big, just when I was starting to relax. He would do prep and then forget where he had left it on a regular basis. Quite a few teachers didn't believe him until it turned up months later in weird places. Others made allowances, but all of us wondered if making allowances was a good thing, as he would have to cope in the big wide world one day. It was bloody hard work getting him to accept that he needed to do things differently, ie make homework notes BEFORE he left the classroom rather than try to remember them later as he raced out of the room with everyone else, but he too emails himself with stuff, as does DBH.

One of my best moments this year was when I phoned him to remind him to pay this semester's rent, and he had done it already. He also checks his bank balance every week. I am beginning to think that he may end up being more organised than someone with a normal memory!