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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Oh bloody hell - here we go with the tears - and I was doing so well.

44 replies

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/08/2013 11:54

DS1 is hopefully off to Uni this year. It's great. I'm really excited and happy for him. I have absolutely no worries about him being able to socailise/take care of himself/do the work. He's a fabulous and fine young man who astonishes me with his maturity etc (not a stealth boast - I have other DSs Wink)

This isn't about 'letting him grow up' or 'cutting the apron strings' as he's been away from home many times before (since he was 8).

I've just realised how much I'm going to miss him. So how do you deal with the tears? The last thing anyone wants is a sob fest in these next few weeks.

So come on, people who have been there, done that and got the sodden t shirt - how's it done?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 12/08/2013 12:47

I know how your feeling, DD3 is off to uni on 14th. September. She''s just opened a student account today which suddenly made me feel very sad, Her 2 sisters have already done uni and left home. I got through that okay. I just phoned them once a week and texted in between, It's our 29th anniversary a couple of weeks after she has gone and we are going to Jersey for a few daysSmile

Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/08/2013 13:41

I'm going to try using the technique of telling myself it's ok to be sad but only let it out in my bedroom of the bathroom and only once a day.

I do feel better for a good blub now though and being pre-menstrual may have a bit to do with it.

Has your DD3 deferred a year Mumeeee?

OP posts:
SpringyReframed · 12/08/2013 14:05

I think the overwhelming feeling should be one of joy that you have achieved your aim as a mother of launching your DC out into the world with the A levels required and the confidence to live independently. Try and pat yourself on the back and say what a great job you have done. Join in the excitement and focus on that rather than you own feelings. Dont be sad. My youngest DC, fingers crossed, will be going next year. My circumstances have changed since the first and I will be left home alone with neither DC nor a DH. I intend to plan a holiday or a bit of an adventure to go on once he has departed and settled in. Something just for me. Perhaps you could do something like that? When my first DC went to Australia for 6 months on her Gap Year (that is worse than the Uni bit, or it was for me as it was just so far) I cleared out and decorated her bedroom for her return straight away. It helped me to be doing something for her even if she wasnt there.

Hope it doesnt sound too harsh OP. My own mother was a weeping nightmare when I went to Uni and it has never left me.It helped me a lot to remember not to be that way. I think I am a different type of Mum altogether though. Blush

mindgone · 12/08/2013 15:37

I think you should count yourself lucky that you know you're going to miss him! Mine is being so stressy and painful leading up to these results that I'm worried that I'll just be relieved that he's going! I love him dearly, but he is being a pain in the backside!!

webwiz · 12/08/2013 19:08

I think the first term is the worst and then after that you get used to the rhythm of the year and the alternating chaos/quiet. I find the terms do go quite quickly and mine keep in touch and we fit in visits during the year.

DD1 has just finished a 4 year degree and is back home job hunting so its all change again. I'm not sure how we are all going to find it as we are used to her being away now.

Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/08/2013 19:14

I think that might be Nature's way Mindgone WinkSmile

Springy my mother was very self contained and controlled when she dropped me off. I remember thinking she didn't seem to be bothered and was probably glad to get rid of me This was somewhat confirmed by her turning my bedroom into a sewing room/studio as soon as she decently could.
Better than DH though. As soon as he went, they moved to a smaller house that didn't have a bedroom for him. We don't see his mother more than once a year now - I wonder why.
I hope I'm a different kind of mum altogether too Smile

OP posts:
Hassled · 12/08/2013 19:16

It is really really hard. All I can really tell you is that it does become the new normal in time. And yes, view it as a job well done - you've launched a happy, nice new adult into the world to make his mark.

And then it gets to the point when they come home for the weekend or holidays and the house feels too small and the yoghurt pots stacked up by the side of the computer which you missed so much start irritating you all over again, and you realise it really was time for him to go :o.

Agree that the gap year was worse. That probably helped me with the University move - a couple of hours away felt like nothing by comparison.

Marshy · 12/08/2013 19:19

Hi OP,
My dd is 18 on Weds, results on Thurs and then hopefully off to uni. I'm so proud of her, but also dreading it, just as you describe and was hoping for a thread like this to help me along through these challenging weeks. I lost my dear mum in April. She had been very involved with th dc and would have been so proud also, so this time is feeling all the more sweetly sad.

No suggestions apart from what has already been said, but I will be thinking of you.

I also saw your thread, now in classics, re the little book of advice for 18 year olds, and am doing that for dd ready for Wednesday, so thanks for that!

JellicleCat · 12/08/2013 19:46

DD has been away for two separate weeks this summer and also refused to come on holiday with us, so we have been without her for 4 weeks which has been like a bit of a dry run. I hope I will manage not to howl until we have dropped her off. I am going to really miss her (welling up as I type this), but I'm also really excited for her.

She will be off in a month's time (Scottish uni) WAIL.

I suppose we will all just get used to it.

ShimmeringInTheSun · 12/08/2013 20:03

Celebrate this next phase in his life.
Yes, you will miss him, but in a good way. Plan some things for you to do, either with someone else or go solo. That way, you'll both be moving on to new things at the same time, and have new things to talk about.
All the best.

alreadytaken · 12/08/2013 21:21

Marshy can you link to the thread about advice, I can't find it in classics.

We're planning a holiday and were talking about decorating/ rearranging their room but have been forbidden to touch it. Strange how they can vary between the fierce desire for independence and nothing must change at home :) We've also learned to Skype so can check they are still alive sometimes.

Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/08/2013 21:34

TBH once I start back to work in September, my feet won't touch the ground. I won't have time to miss him and it'll also be open day time for DS2.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/a1563904-Please-help-me-with-my-Little-Book-of-Hindsight-for-DSs-18th

There you go Already. He loved the book.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/08/2013 21:36

I know what it is really. I had a cat that I loved sooo much and I was very upset at the thought of it dying. When it did die, I was fine. It was as if I did my grieving up front, so to speak.

Sounds bonkers.

OP posts:
mindgone · 12/08/2013 23:37
Grin
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 12/08/2013 23:43

I am a horrible mother. I haven't even thought about crying.

Fingers crossed on Thursday for everybody.

TheWoollybacksWife · 13/08/2013 00:13

I was in your position last year. DD1 is exactly as you describe your DS and I knew I would miss her. BUT she is only an hour away and came home with all her dirty laundry once a term and I visited her twice, including a day Christmas shopping which was lovely. It helped me to reassure myself that she was capable of looking after herself.

I did manage not to cry when we dropped her off although i had my moments - sitting on her bed for a few minutes every night for the first week - looking at her empty walls and bookshelves. I recorded her favourite TV programmes on Sky+ so we could have a catch up session when she was home.

She is loving her course and has spent three weeks of her summer vacation doing summer courses to enhance her CV and give her additional insight into her subject. Her younger brother (6) really misses her and likes to face time her. Her younger sister claims to only miss her wardrobe!

alreadytaken · 13/08/2013 09:24

OP thanks for the thread, think I'll make a going away to uni book from it. Can I quote one of the suggestions - Worry is interest paid before its due (and then admit I'm feeling the same way and here for tips).

Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/08/2013 12:20

Arf @Already

OP posts:
Marshy · 13/08/2013 12:28

My little book is nearly done now in time for tomorrow and dh has taken it to work with him to put in a few additions of his own.

I'm not really worried about dd going to uni. I think she'll be fine as she's sensible and self sufficient and makes friends pretty well. It's me I'm worried about! I'm just going to miss her so much. Trying so hard not to be a clingy mother when I just want to say "don't go!" Not really, of course - it's what she wants and deserves after all get hard work. But still can't get rid of this lump in my throat

Original poster
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/08/2013 12:34

I feel loads better today Marshy because I'm running round like a blue arsed fly making up for my tearful zombie state yesterday.

It will be fine.

Is it the run up to her leaving, the day itself and how you will be, or the missing her afterwards that you're most worried about?

OP posts:
Marshy · 13/08/2013 12:42

OP, it's aspects of all of that - there's no hope, is there.

Not a great day today, but it comes and goes. I think having the pressure of the birthday celebration tomorrow isn't helping. My planning 18 years ago was really crap to have landed both these things in the same week!

Marshy · 13/08/2013 12:44

At work - well, trying to be. Will check in later

holidaysarenice · 13/08/2013 12:56

My mother knew better than to touch my room. It was theeee single most comforting thing about uni..knowing my room was sitting there just as I left it, waiting for me if I needed it.

I never needed to come home, but when I did there was something lovely about my untouched room.

Had my mum decorated it wouldn't have been the same.

And I did two degrees, it was always comforting that in a world of change home was still home.

Marshy · 13/08/2013 16:28

Holidays - that's lovely and really nice to know. I might need her to tidy it up a bit before she goes though!

Bearcat · 13/08/2013 16:52

Just seen 2 DS's through 7 consecutive years of university.
When DS1 went in 2006 I remember being in the car going to drop him off feeling the tears prick my eyes a couple of times, but I was so proud of him getting top A level results and going to a good university. I never cried when we left him.
The 4 years went by so fast.
The holidays come round amazingly quickly.
When it came round to DS2 going to uni in 2010, again I was excited for him and knew that we would see him once a term (mostly) and in the holidays.
I just knew that he would thoroughly enjoy it if hewas anything like DS1.
Also DS1 came home to live for a year as we live in London & he worked in London, so we didn't suddenly become empty nesters.
I actually quite like being an empty nester now, but don't really mind that DS2 will live at home for at least a year whilst he starts his career in London.
I am just relishing the end of the expense at the moment.

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