As a parent, do you feel your DC's Uni "should" communicate with you?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

A general question really, I work for a uni and we regularly get complaints from parents that we should have told them stuff.

But, the student is an adult and the contract is between the student and the university, even if parents are paying the fees/living allowance.

In some cases we would be breaking confidentiality by informing parents (e.g. Health issues), in others, I just think it's odd that parents get involved (e.g. student not picked for sports team).

Would appreciate some views/experiences

no, n, no. Students are adults. As someone who works in a uni, there is no way I would want to have to communicate with parents. In one case I even had a student who did not want her parents to trace her again ever (she had broken with them) and we were to give no information to anyone. I can see how these soddin' fees are going to make parents feel like they are customers of our services though and deserve to know all sorts.

'Those who would sign a paper letting parents be involved are the very parents you don't want'

Not necessarily. It depends on the student's background and the kind of information being shared. It can be useful if the student has any kind of health problem.

'any' kind of health problem?

This is problematic IMO.

I went to university with someone who was severely physically disabled and I bet her parents were hugely important in supporting her. But I remember her parents being terribly worried that it wasn't ideal for her to drink alcohol (it wasn't awful, just not ideal), and they were so worried by her health, they'd never have seen that to her it was a trade-off between perfect health, and normal socializing.

Who should get to be 'involved' there? That's surely the sort of issue that comes up all the time. You can't be an effective teacher and be policing how an adult is living their life.

Yes I agree it is tricky, but I have known quite a few genuine cases where there have not been issues with over-anxious parents and the student has wanted both parties to share information.

Perhaps best for helicopter-ish parents to make sure their children genuinely want the degree and have chosen their course without undue influence! If this isn't the case take a gap year or two first. An awful lot really are not very mature in their first year.

SlipShod or it could be a very valuable time when the young adult does not have their parents able to see what is going on without invitation but is surrounded by supportive institutions and whilst in halls, with a responsible adult able to go and knock on their room door/check inside if there is grounds to be seriously worried.

This is not about contacting next of kin when someone is seriously ill, this is about "checking up" through the university. If the adult student requires support then absolutely they should be allowed to ask their parents to help navigate the university support structures but they could equally ask a trusted friend. By the time an individual is starting university they should be capable of making that call for themselves.

Malenky - lots of interesting points coming out. I think universities do have some ability to heavily encourage students to see a doctor or get counselling.

When I was at uni, one of the girls I lived with started self-harming. She wouldn't seek help, but we reported it to the uni welfare office. They told her that they wouldn't allow her to move up to the next year unless she went to the GP and used their counselling service.

Obviously, this was a few years ago now, but I would imagine universities can still intervene?

Yes, they can. I've done it myself (the 'heavily encouraging' bit), and I'm the most junior, marginal 'teacher' you can get at university level (I'm a student myself).

But the point is, the university encouraging a student to see a doctor or get counselling places that student in contact with another set of professionals who have rules about confidentiality. It's not the same as getting in touch with the parent.

Yes. I am thinking specifically of students I know on the autistic spectrum or with eating disorders that they are trying hard to deal with. Some of them prefer to have some parental awareness. I suppose they are special cases.

I am not sure there are responsible adults whose job it is to knock on doors at university. It really isn't a boarding school. That is why I think that sometimes it is reasonable if a student offers to sign to share certain, otherwise private, information.

My university intervened with a course mate who was struggling very badly with anxiety, and provided lots of really good support. Other students flagged her up to the course leaders, but things had already been spotted by then.

I think it's really potentially damaging for parents to over involve themselves in university life - getting a degree is as much about being independant as it is about learning your subject IMHO.

I think this is something that has really changed. When I applied to Uni twenty odd years ago it was unusual (and a bit weird) to take parents to open days. Talking to younger work colleages that has changed.

I think the Unis need to collectively put their feet down on this one. The students are adults, they need to be able to make their mistakes and learn from them. Parents (and I am dreading this myself so I'm not making light of it) need to accept that the apron strings are being let go.

I also think the idea that university is a safe place for children to finish their growing up in a supportive institution is an understandable assumption, but I doubt whether it is fair or whether the academics/lecturers feel the same.

I was speaking from personal experience of falling ill at university slipshod: was too ill to realise my phone had a flat battery and worried my parents silly as I'd been a bit daft delirious the last time they'd spoken to me, but a subwarden came up to my room, knocked on the door and sent me to the health centre. It took her all of 5-10 minutes and was a very valuable thing for a 18 year old and was what I thought you meant by "parents of ill students".

I didn't mean knock on the door daily to ensure that you get to lectures on time, just when there are serious concerns, and I'm sure if it was asked for frequently for the same person with no good reason they could have refused.

ANd the comment about supportive institutions was more meant about the presence of student advice centres/counselling etc. for when things start going very wrong. Not that the lecturers personally should handhold through every upset.

Just reading MrsHoarder's comments there, I wonder if there is something about parents nowadays expecting to be constantly in touch with their DCs.

I was at Uni pre mobile phones being available to everyone. Mobiles were still huge bricks for very important business men. I probably spoke to my parents once every two weeks - if that. They would have had no idea if I was ill, drunk, delirious or perfectly fine. They just wouldn't have had a clue. Halls of residence had a phone, but you could never get through to them and when I lived in rented houses, none of them had phones - you had to go to a phonebox to make a call.

They also wouldn't have been able to send emails to my tutors, as there was no such thing then & they couldn't have found out who my tutors were without some considerable awkward research.

Perhaps the communication revolution that has taken place in the last 20 years means that it is too easy for parents to be constantly in touch and interfering?

I think the problem is that for many parents, university is a huge financial investment and burden. If a parent has to pay out something like £300 a month (because the student loan definitely doesn't cover all living expenses) it's no wonder they want to make sure that their offspring is studying hard and isn't missing vast numbers of lectures/hasn't dropped out/is receiving help for MH issues etc. That sullen and noncommunicative teenager of 17 doesn't suddenly become a lovely responsible adult overnight.

I think the Unis need to collectively put their feet down on this one

Multiply the percentage of parents on this thread alone saying that they're paying so they expect to know, by the number of pupils aiming to go to university each year . Admittedly, parents who expect to be informed are in the minority, but a vocal and difficult minority.

But it is wearing, having to educate the minority of parents, and they can sometimes be borderline rude to my colleagues & me. This borderline rudeness is a regular experience, I'm afraid, at Admissions Days when we ask parents (and siblings & grandparents, I kid you not!) to step out, so that we can talk directly to UCAS applicants. There are always separate sessions on finance & accommodation for parents, plus access to colleagues & current students in informal Q&A sessions, so there are always other opportunities for parents.

What PostBellum said. My parents had no major input into my choice of GCSEs, A levels, or university. They did not attend uni open days, and they were "interested" parents; nobody's parents did this!

However on here there are constant threads about whether a DC should do geography or German, or some other attempt to micro-manage their DC's lives. In this context, it doesn't surprise me that some parents expect communication from uni. I suppose tuition fees have a lot to do with it.

There are extenuating circumstances sometimes - my pal got pregnant in first year, told parents and returned to halls. One morning I realised I hadn't seen her fir a few days and knocked on door, found her 6 months pregnant unable to get out of bed as she had severe anaemia.

Parents contact immediately and she was taken home. I remember how dreadfully worried they were when they arrived. She now has a beautiful 18 year old DD.

Quite a few students had to be taken home by parents due to mental health probs such as schizophrenia, anorexia..

I didn't have a phone at all in my second year so would sporadically phone home every 2/3 months

That's a rather interesting point about communication.

I'd like to point out at this point that I choose my own degree subject, attended open days/interviews alone (except for one which couldn't be easily got to without a car), rarely saw parents and usually spoke to them weekly when not feeling quite ill Also only bothered the warden team one other time (when mugged right outside halls: thought they should be told the police they were on their way before they got there).

The point I was trying to make and failed abysmally at is that parents should generally trust in their children as adults, and wait for them to tell them that they are in trouble, but that the support institutions not the lecturers etc in the university should be open to approaches by parents with genuine concerns without giving them feedback on the student. Just be prepared to advise on the systems available/approach the student themselves.

Yes, I think tuition fees have a lot to do with it , combined with the fact that there is a new and larger generation of students whose parents don't have any experience of higher education and so it can be very anxious time for them.

MrsHoarder I agree with you. I had serious mh issues when at University, took to my bed for half a term and when the uni finally took notice I was carted off and sectioned, at which point my parents were called in as next of kin. (My parents had no idea and were contacted by a friend, not the university). An extreme case maybe, but it happens.

It's just more stressful fir parents - they are thinking 'this is costing me/DC a fortune, it had better be worth it/ they had better be attending/ better choose right course so they can get a good job'

The stakes are higher now that universities have set fees so high - I guess they are now dealing with customers

I don't honestly know how much option universities had about setting fees. Remember, before fees were set, the government subsidized universities more. If they don't cover their costs, they won't stay open.

Malenky, that's a different argument.

DCs olde enough to go to uni = they are grown ups

None of the parents business.