Support thread for anyone applying through UCAS this year

[Lorelai]

Following on from a thread in chat I thought I would start this so that we can hold each others' hands through the UCAS process with all its challenges.

Who's with me?

Ok serious help needed with what to wear ,fraught situation here,have 10 days to go though
Ds wears a suit for school which is comfortable but he hates wearing a tie and doesn't really want to wear one .His choice is suit with open neck shirt.I think smart trousers(he does have cords and some black straight leg)Smart shirt and his coat us a nice black wool reefer so always looks good
Or do we need to buy whole new outfit(he hates shopping)

I'd go with smart trousers, shirt and coat rather than suit without a tie which I think would look slightly odd. I don't think a shopping trip is necessary.

mrswoodentop as its not medicine probably 'smart casual'? Something that looks as though he has made an effort and would be a good ambassador for the university but not so OTT that it looks like he wouldn't fit in. Leeds uni is fairly laid back and left wing.
yellowstone not getting in was a combination of submitting reasonable but not outstanding written work, being asked only about the role of women in the french revolution (of great interest to the female french subject tutor) which he wasn't interested in and knew nothing about, and only having one interview (possibly due to lack of a charged mobile phone?). All the women's libbers in the family going back three generations sighed in despair, but fate plays a part in these things.

Yes, depends on the child. Mine wanted me to disappear in seconds after their stuff had been delivered to halls etc and wouldnt' have had me on an open day as not "cool" although it sounds like most parents do go so presumably it is very cool for some. Perhaps I am just ultra embarrassing.

Universities have changed since parents or teachers went. The cost implications for the whole family have changed massively too.

Furthermore it is no longer certain with the high offers given out that DC will get into their first choice (often familiar) university. The days are long gone when anyone reasonably bright and capable of putting two sensible words together could get into Oxford or even a redbrick. Other universities may be in unfamiliar far off places which are not easy or cheap to get to by public transport

We took one of them up to Nottingham and another to Southampton to explore, and all went down to Exeter for a day to look round- we were very glad we had the car as the campuses were spread out and not that near the town centres. The whole family went so it was an experience for all. Some of the library facilities are surprisingly crap given the flashy websites and we didn't think some places had facilities worth investing precious family money on.

However we wouldn't dream of going for interview days etc.

Lots applied to other universities so the DC had plenty of school company and it was nicer for them to go with their peers.

I was talkingyesterday about the balance and whether it is right that a parent who may be paying may not be allowed to know things like has the child left the university, are they on drugs or anorexic in their room, have they been to no lectures all term. I suspect the solution is if the parent and adult child agree that they agree in writing with the institution at the start what the parent may know. I am not sure that they all do that.

I can't see any connection between parental contribution and a 'right to know', particularly about welfare issues. I think there comes a point where a parent simply has to accept that he has no right to know (very different from a desire to know or a feeling of needing to know) and has to rely on the relationship with his child for a flow of correct information. It can be very hard indeed to make the leap between seeing daily what's going on with a child at home to having to accept that the child can control the level of contact and information at will. Especially if a parent has particular reason for concern.

I took my eldest three to Durham when DD1 was in Y11 or 12. Other than that and Oxford, which they all knew, they've been nowhere for university visits. They wouldn't have let me go to post offer days had they opted to go though, no chance. And all seem pretty keen to get shot of me once I've hoiked their stuff to their room (though that is always after we've been out together for lunch). I'm occasionally allowed to visit, under controlled conditions, though I don't very often, I don't want to intrude.

DD2 had an odd pre-interview at one of the Turl St. colleges funny which she completely bombed because the two female tutors appeared to be interested only in Women's History and all three of them decided they had nothing more to say once DD2 had said she found that part of the syllabus tedious. I interviewed for a post not that long ago where each of the candidates was asked which historical figure impressed them most and every one of the female candidates nominated a women, often unconvincingly. All too predictable - I may have said so.

Well we're all off to Aberystwyth at half term for ds1's offer day. dh and the younger dc will have a day on the beach, at the castle or in the national library if the weather is bad whilst ds1 and I will be at the uni where they are putting on talks and tours specifically for parents while the students have their own talks and interviews.

I also figured we should all go because he has 2 ASD dbs and I thought it would help them with the transition when their big brother goes off, they will at least have seen the place where he has gone albeit not the institution itself.

Good heavens yellowstone perhaps it was the very same Turl street college and tutor.

Xenia As a parent I would like to know but if my child is over 18 then I don't think I have a right to know if they haven't attended lectures/ or are always in their room on drugs. There is a point at which one has to accept they are adults and also away from home, able to experiment for themselves and find out what is sensible and what is not.

However - if my child's university place was at serious risk, (eg essential coursework not submitted) or if their life was at risk (eg severe anorexia, untreated diabetes) then I think a) the student in question should be informed and advised as to what timely action they could/should take in order not to loose their place and b) I should have a right to know as their next of kin, and as a financial contributor to their university expenses, that their uni place or their healt is severely at risk. But I am not sure what the legalities are.

In practice I have found that the DC have learned the hard way to be fairly transparent and sensible and when/if things look like they have gone even slightly off track recently they tell me so, or a uni friend has rung me up, or a faculty admin person emailed me (sounds awful- but its all part of the informal safety net) and DC themselves are now much more laid back about me phoning them/sending a message on facebook than when they first started!

I should say, though, that in the range of parents I am in the over anxious category (by my own judgement though DD says some parents skype their DC daily) and the DC get 2-3 calls a week from me (lasting less than 5mins) the record for no calls being 10 days. I don't write. I have been requested to write (by both of them) but its not my style and the most they get is an amazon parcel with a typed gift message. These they seem to like.

As a student myself I phoned/visited my own parents weekly. I think I rebelled against this habit/need finally at the age of 25 years but then gave in again in my 50's.

btw even though DC tell me stuff I have to say I don't do any thing except hold their hand (metaphorically) or send them a text bk. Or take them out to dinner.

I not at all anxious about them but I think parents whether funding or not want to know about (b) and if when the student starts it is agreed they would be told about (b) or even (a) then that could work fine for many. If they hate each others' gutrs or want privacy it would be the student's right not to agree the parent could know anything.

Aargh. Nominated a woman.

And why am I then so retentive?

When I was at university there was only a one-way coin operated phone, even when I lived out, so my parents had absolutely no means of initiating contact. I have to say, they didn't seem bothered.

Not sure funny, there's a lot of that sort of myopia about, and not just in Turl St. I do think it's mean though, focussing on that with a boy - boys are widely known not to engage with it, so why didn't the tutor move on swiftly to find an area which fired him up? The tutors are supposed to be intellectually adventurous too, sounds like they did a bad job.

Xenia I want to know, I want to know everything. What I do know is that there comes a point when I have to rely on the relationship built in the preceding eighteen years to find out. Isn't a flimsy attempt at a not very effectively enforceable contract just a bit on the pointless side?

Yes I don't see much point in contracts. But Xenia has a legal mind and may see the wisdom.

However I do think maybe the guidance for tutors/student could incorporate something on the lines of letting the student know in plenty of time if in danger of loosing his/her place, and before matters become irreversible, and letting next of kin know if there is no response from the student within a certain timescale.

yellowstone I thought at the time that it sounded as though the interview had a narrow focus. We heard later he had 'passed' the university faculty aspect but not the college aspect. I thought he should there fore have been offered a second interview at another college. My conclusion was that Oxford are not fallible when it comes to interview arrangements, and rather variable, as some are interviewed at two colleges routinely. I also felt sad as I only rang up late and realised that unless one knows how the system is meant to work, one doesn't question it at the time, only when it is too late to do anything about it.

Should boys only be asked questions about men in history? Of course not. They should be taught more about the role of women in history at school so that they can be comfortable with the idea that women play an important part in life, and can even shape the paths of nations!!!

not infallible

But sometimes legal minds turn too quickly to legalistic solutions which fall short in application.

Of course boys shouldn't be asked only about men but it is well known that Women's History fails to enthuse boys so female tutors might level the field to accomodate that, whatever their own narrow preference. History interviews vary a lot, hence my luck/ lack of luck comment. And have I got this wrong, or did he have only one interview at his college of preference, or did you mean he interviewed only at his college of preference?

Horrifically, the brother of one of dd's very good friends committed suicide at university shortly before Christmas. I really don't know details but I know it has been awful. Makes me cry every time I think of it.

goingmad thats terrible . I'm really sorry.

You know I was thinking this thread is a bit downbeat even before your comment. Suicide is rare at university. Most DC are having a fantastic time and learning loads.

yellowstone he interviewed only at his college of preference. I think only the one interview. I probably should stop posting about it if thats alright as it gets too personal.

(I got us slightly off point. I do rely on the relationship but I know far too many people who just rely on that (hand shake for the deal, nothing written down) and then in the very very rare cases when things do go wrong they are so so so damaged there was nothing agreed - it takes 2 seconds to get a parent and child data protection consent when the child signs up to the university and I would argue if you are an involved parent you would want that and that it's ludicrous that if the child is not attending lessons or almost dead in hospital and the university cannot tell the parent who are is probably the best person to sort it out, that is very wrong).

I also had an agreement with the 3 older chilren that they would not take on any debt including student loan in return for my funding them at university. i was not prepared to give the funding if they also took out the loan and spent it on drink or whatever It was a condition of my providing the funding. That doesn't mean I don't love and trust them but I wanted that to be the deal.

I normally read a thread before chipping in but seeing that this one has got to 897 posts please forgive me for only reading the last page ...

I think that discussing whether parents have, or have not, the right to speak to the University about welfare matters is a bit beside the point. What you want is people who care about your DC overseeing their wellbeing. These people aren't University officials. They are the DC's friends.
I know DD's friends well enough to know who are the reliable ones and have their mobile number as an emergency contact. Thus, if anything ever went seriously awry, I can contact someone who had DD's best interests at heart and get the real low-down (and v.v.). Real people are better and more immediate than institutions.

senua - agree very strongly that knowing your DCs' friends/flatmates is going to be the best way to stay informed of any crises.

Also, my dd seems to know people from school/families we know doing similar courses at all the places she's applied to. Must be the same for lots of you.

After all their hard work let's hope they get the grades they need. My dd is certainly very excited, and it's had a positive knock on effect on dd2 in Y11 and ds in Y10.

hi haven't read whole thread - can i ask a question?

ds is due to start uni this year - app for 3 subjects and has recd 2 conditional offers but also has attended 1 interview,we are still waiting to hear about that one.

all 3 subjects are music based so not offered at every uni - i wondered what the competition was likely to be - how many places there are and how many applicants.

is there any way to find out?

thanks