Sharon Baker is a police officer and long-time Mumsnet user. She writes here about her experience of domestic abuse as a police officer and how she finally broke away. We estimate that around 6,000 women in the past three years have been helped out of abusive relationships through Mumsnet by our brilliant users. For many women, just being supported to understand that what is happening is not right and is not their fault is the first step.
“Somehow, because of what we do as a job, others see us as stronger and invincible to the same threats they face. Nothing could be further from the truth. My body armour and rank in the police force did nothing to protect me from being a victim of controlling and coercive behaviour at home. Somewhere I was supposed to be safe and loved. I was used to dealing with confrontation at work, running towards danger and helping. I was resilient to being sworn at and people trying to physically intimidate me. As a sergeant, I had to have those difficult supervisory conversations – none of it phased me. But the very things that gave others the impression I was strong actually kept me locked in silence longer.
Coercive and controlling behaviour is clever. It slowly takes away your confidence and your ability to trust your own thoughts and feelings until you’re left confused and unable to make simple decisions. You would have thought a police officer could see that coming, right? Except abusers are masters of manipulation and control. By the time I realised, it was too late. I looked around, I was trapped and I was isolated from family and friends. Here I was leading a team of police officers and, in the eyes of those around me, I was strong. The very fact that I was supposed to be keeping everyone else safe meant I felt too ashamed to admit I was terrified of going home.
I vividly remember scrolling through the Mumsnet forums one day and clicking on a thread about emotional abuse. It was the first time I read the term ‘red flag.’ I read posts from Mumsnetters describing behaviour and seeking advice. I literally stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it. They were describing my life. I spent many, many more months reading posts, just lurking, wincing when the resounding ‘LTB’ would ring out. I kept burying my thoughts and justifying his behaviour. Being a police officer made it harder. Work was my refuge, somewhere where I could make decisions and have some control. No one had ever talked about being a victim at work. That just made me feel weak. I thought ‘it must just be me’ and it strengthened my feelings of shame. How could I keep my team and the public safe if I couldn’t do that for myself? "So I stayed silent."
The turning point came when the words became more. When I came home and the words ‘it’s over’ came tumbling out of my mouth, I hadn’t planned it, but as soon as I uttered them I felt a huge relief. Naively I expected it would be easy, but I don’t think it could have been any worse. That evening I hid in the spare room and Mumsnet provided me with a haven which I turned to for help when I had nowhere else to go in real life. Posters kept me company as the terror escalated. I did all I could to placate him, keep him calm, using all my skills as an officer but to no avail. I don’t remember calling 999 or what I said. I only remember the sense of fear I had.
While I waited for them, I saw him calm down, change and brush his teeth to hide the smell of alcohol. He only had to say one thing to me - ‘they won’t believe you.’ Scared and confused, I didn’t tell the officers what had really happened. I kept my secret for years. I lived my real life out anonymously, seeking advice and support from discussions. It gave me wonderful strength to know I was not alone.
Last year, that all changed. Now a Chief Inspector, I visited a member of my staff who had been assaulted by her partner. I was shocked at how she blamed herself, and her view that somehow domestic abuse could only happen to those who are weak. I took a deep breath and told her what had happened to me. We both cried. It was an important moment.
She was left shocked that someone who in her eyes was so strong could also be a victim. It gave her strength and it began to wash away the thick layers of shame we both felt. We were not alone.”
Sharon will be coming back onto the thread to answer your questions.
Experiencing domestic abuse and coercive control has nothing to do with how strong you are and it is never your fault. If you’re wondering whether you’re in an abusive relationship, complete this survey from Women’s Aid. You can reach Refuge’s domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, or you can chat to someone online. And here is more information about how to cover your tracks online.
You can find the Mumsnet Domestic violence Webguide here and our Violence Against Women campaign page here. There are many campaigns you can join to prevent domestic abuse (you can find some here) and many refuges and organisations you can volunteer at to help survivors of domestic violence. 