Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Guest posts

Justine Roberts: When did mum become a dirty word?

276 replies

KateMumsnet · 29/05/2014 12:08

In 2009, I was asked to send a Mumsnet blogger to join the media corps at the G20 summit. I immediately put the nomination to our online audience, who collectively chose one of Mumsnet's finest minds to represent us – a prolific poster who went by the name of Policywonk.

She was a smart cookie – highly educated with a particular interest in climate change. And, by all accounts, she had a high old time at the summit, rushing from one interview with a world leader to the next.

Afterwards, I quizzed her on what it was like. ‘Amazing,’ she confirmed. But there was something a little odd, she noticed. Whenever she introduced herself as a Mumsnet representative to a fellow member of the media corps, they would start speaking very slowly and deliberately. As if she were a child. But she wasn't a child, she was a mum – and that was the problem.

Over the past half-century in this country, women have made astonishing strides along the road to equality. Schoolgirls are more likely than their male contemporaries to apply to university – and to graduate with a first or upper-second-class degree. The gender pay gap has dropped from 45% in 1970, when the Equal Pay Act was introduced, to around 15% today. And feminism, which seemed to lie more or less dormant through the 1990s and 2000s, has reinvented itself for the digital generation via grass-roots projects such as Everyday Sexism and No More Page Three.

It is, in short, pretty much the best time in history to be a woman – until the moment you get pregnant, at which point all bets are off.

Leaving aside for a moment all the examples of real-world discrimination – and there are plenty of them – that women face when they have children, let's just consider what we've done with the word ‘mum’ itself. ‘Mummy’ is the first word in most children's vocabulary and, during their early years, arguably the most important one: its connotations, from our offspring’s point of view, are overwhelmingly positive. What happens, then, when we become mothers ourselves, and look at the word from the other end of the telescope? Why is it, when adults talk to adults, that we use it so negatively?

Read more of Justine's piece for the July issue of Red magazine here.

OP posts:
linkery · 02/06/2014 08:00

Being a parent is not a job.

So you paid]presumably] a nanny to do a job that you say does not exist for a parent.

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 08:43

linkery the duties of a nanny are far removed from being a parent.

Being a parent is actually far less about who washes the children's clothes or who makes the tea, than the decisions we make for our DC.

It's the responsibility that is the important part...

Retropear · 02/06/2014 09:01

Except that any childcare professional will make decisions continually,all day.Collectively these decisions are important.

Loving the way my years at home are seen as just dishwashing,with very little importance attached to the role I was doing.Clearly I was wasting my time.Hmm

Bonsoir · 02/06/2014 09:05

I would go further: the critical skill that parents should impart is how children learn to make their own informed decisions so that they may navigate the world on their own terms.

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 09:12

Retro you will not have wasted your time if you have enjoyed your time at home.

Enjoying something is extremely important in life.

However, my view is that we are all parenting even when our DC are in school or whatever, because the important parts of parenting don't stop because our DC aren't with us IYSWIM.

Retropear · 02/06/2014 09:14

I didn't stay at home and drop a salary to enjoy myself.Hmm

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 09:23

Well I can't think of a better reason for staying at home, than because you want to and it suits you!

Bonsoir · 02/06/2014 09:36

I think that enjoying being a SAHP is a good driver but that there are other very good reasons, such as the well-being of DC and partner and the quality of care and education of DC.

Retropear · 02/06/2014 09:42

How about because it's better for my dc and my family both of whom benefit/benefitted from it, it's a valuable job to do and I enjoy/enjoyed it.Smile

To be frank most people I know in RL don't follow the MN strict role allocation.Most have/will have periods as a wp(myself included), most value periods with their dc, many are now part time workers and some are even sahp in the day with work that fits in round their family later.

linkery · 02/06/2014 10:45

It is about having adequate time to disipline, impart your values and morals, guide, share etc.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/06/2014 11:00

I agree with all the above posts, the time aspect to parent as you want to, the enjoyment, and the quality of care and education.

JaneParker · 02/06/2014 11:15

I wonder why mothers thinkg their (but not their husband's values) are so brilliant that imparting those is going to be better for the child than if say the child had equal times with a granny, father, nanny and mother? Isn't Mother Knows Best just a lie to keep women down, at home?

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 11:27

But my DC left the house this morning at 7.40am and their Dad did the school run.

They won't return home until 6.30pm as they are both at sports fixtures.

What am I meant to be doing that is so critical during these hours, that I shouldn't work?

What care or education should I be providing? Genuine question...And what care should I be providing my DH while he's in work?

Bonsoir · 02/06/2014 11:55

None, TheWordFactory. But you do realise, I presume, that not all DC are born as teenagers at private school? Or had that passed you by Wink

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 12:20

But the posts by you and linkery and retro and morethan give the impression that the necessisity for a SAHP is both general and non-age specific.

In fact, I'm sure I've seen you on other threads extolling the need for a SAHP for DC at university Wink...

But my point is simply this; parenting, IMVHO is not a job. It is a role, that many of us combine with work.

Just because you can't combine parenting and work, doesn't make parenting a job. And in the context of this thread, parenting isn't something for which we should seek recognition. It was our choice and it is our responsibility.

JaneParker · 02/06/2014 12:24

Good point. Some women and men are up to work plus children. Others cannot manage both. We all have different levels of competence. Some people who work are badly organised and some people are home are.

However we all bring up our children whether we have a penis or not and whether we work or not.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/06/2014 12:31

I agree about the competence, there is no way I could work and be the mother I want to be. Something would have to give and I wasn't prepared to do that to my children for the sake of luxuries, which it would have been in our case.
I am in the position where I can give dd the life she is so desperate to have and that doesn't include working for somebody else. She knows she is very fortunate to have the opportunities she has and she isn't restricted by Mums work.
I enjoy my life and so do my family and that to me is the most important thing.
Yes I could manage a job and the family but prefer to give my all to the family and enjoy my free time and hobbies too.

Bonsoir · 02/06/2014 12:35

Stop using flawed logic to win an argument you invented for its own sake, TheWordFactory. The lawyer in you interferes with proper analytical thinking Wink. You would be cleverer if you could put your legal training and experience behind you and think more deeply!

morethanpotatoprints · 02/06/2014 12:35

Word

Apart from me who H.ed I believe others were talking about pre school education at home. To some people parenting is a job/ or their job as they see it. My dh would say parenting was a job as well, although he works as well.

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 12:39

Ah well morethan I am perfectly able to be the parent I want to be (one with exceptionally high standards I should add) and work. As is DH.

I certainly don't work for luxuries. DH earns more money than we could ever need!

I work because it matters to me greatly. And my family don't mind the impact it has on them because I matter to them greatly...my work only brings positives to our family, I think. I certainly can't think of a negative.

Retropear · 02/06/2014 12:44

Families,people,jobs, circumstances and kids differ hugely.

Not seeing the need for any sahp to justify their existence in the same vein as those who work full time don't feel the need to justify theirs.

As regards this thread (which I'm not really sure the point of).Yes being a parent is our choice decision and as such sorry it will have an impact on our lives.As for recognition well that kind of goes both ways doesn't it.I think children and their needs are important particularly given it wasn't their choice to be created so really recognising the needs of parents in the workplace or not as the case may be is actually important.

Those without children may disagree.

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 12:44

Ah Bonsoir you do make me laugh.

You talk a lot of shit but it's always good value Grin...

TheWordFactory · 02/06/2014 12:51

Retro I don't think any SAHP need justify their choice. That's why I say enjoying it is reason enough IMVHO.

I also think it's percetly valid for parents to choose to SAHP because it works for whatever reason in their household at this particular time.

All good.

But when women start to argue that this is the best way to raise DC. That it is an imperative. I have to say, I don't agree...

Retropear · 02/06/2014 12:56

It may well be the best way to raise their dc.Don't think I've ever seen posts with parents saying it is the best way for all.

Seen plenty(some quite unpleasant) saying 2x working parents are best for all dc though.

Bonsoir · 02/06/2014 12:57

Ooh I hit a bit of a raw nerve Grin