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Justine Roberts: When did mum become a dirty word?

276 replies

KateMumsnet · 29/05/2014 12:08

In 2009, I was asked to send a Mumsnet blogger to join the media corps at the G20 summit. I immediately put the nomination to our online audience, who collectively chose one of Mumsnet's finest minds to represent us – a prolific poster who went by the name of Policywonk.

She was a smart cookie – highly educated with a particular interest in climate change. And, by all accounts, she had a high old time at the summit, rushing from one interview with a world leader to the next.

Afterwards, I quizzed her on what it was like. ‘Amazing,’ she confirmed. But there was something a little odd, she noticed. Whenever she introduced herself as a Mumsnet representative to a fellow member of the media corps, they would start speaking very slowly and deliberately. As if she were a child. But she wasn't a child, she was a mum – and that was the problem.

Over the past half-century in this country, women have made astonishing strides along the road to equality. Schoolgirls are more likely than their male contemporaries to apply to university – and to graduate with a first or upper-second-class degree. The gender pay gap has dropped from 45% in 1970, when the Equal Pay Act was introduced, to around 15% today. And feminism, which seemed to lie more or less dormant through the 1990s and 2000s, has reinvented itself for the digital generation via grass-roots projects such as Everyday Sexism and No More Page Three.

It is, in short, pretty much the best time in history to be a woman – until the moment you get pregnant, at which point all bets are off.

Leaving aside for a moment all the examples of real-world discrimination – and there are plenty of them – that women face when they have children, let's just consider what we've done with the word ‘mum’ itself. ‘Mummy’ is the first word in most children's vocabulary and, during their early years, arguably the most important one: its connotations, from our offspring’s point of view, are overwhelmingly positive. What happens, then, when we become mothers ourselves, and look at the word from the other end of the telescope? Why is it, when adults talk to adults, that we use it so negatively?

Read more of Justine's piece for the July issue of Red magazine here.

OP posts:
ssd · 05/06/2014 07:50

rubbish!!! Grin

all this, "I'm far too busy/important/fulfilled to remember anyone or any posts made on mumsnet, that's far too trivial for someone as super as me"...what a load of crap Grin

of course we all remember certain posters that appear now and then and certain posting styles

trying to say anything else sounds pompous

Retropear · 05/06/2014 13:11

J Parker I find that post re sahm's not having a real life really offensive.

Messygirl · 05/06/2014 13:12

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Bonsoir · 05/06/2014 14:27

Retropear - "real life" doesn't apparently include a partner/husband Wink

bronya · 05/06/2014 14:29

JaneParker - a childminder/nanny/nursery worker is a REAL JOB. So looking after young children full time is also a REAL JOB. In our household, me being at home will save us over £2,000 a month in childcare fees, the net gain for us compared to if I was working will be over £300 a month. On top of that, I get to bring up our children EXACTLY the way we want them brought up, which makes me very happy. I have a busy social life, hobbies and friends both with and without children. Don't know how I ever fitted my old job in!

JaneParker · 05/06/2014 15:28

Why you though and not your husband? If he's so keen to have a parent at home hand him the apron and baby and show him the loo brush.

Messygirl · 05/06/2014 16:56

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Messygirl · 05/06/2014 17:02

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JaneParker · 06/06/2014 13:32

Is cleaning belitting? I do a lot of cleaning. I always thought it was good for the soul to do dull awful domestic tasks and to feel grateful when i can afford to have someone else do them. I regard a lot of babycare of the same kind- constant clearing up and washing (although of couse like all ful time working mothers and fathers and those at home I adore al that bonding, cuddles and giggles with them we all do and my many y ears breastfeeding as as full time working mother are some of the more important experiences of my life along with reaching the heights of professional success - a lovely balance.

It always ends up being women who take financial risks and then lose out when the man disappears - 50% of mumsnet marriages will fail.

Okay comparing days although I have huge lovely teenagers so I don't have a live baby here..... working today from home. Drove children to school although did a complex bit of work between 6 and 7am (I work best early).....unstacked dishwasher. Mowed almost an acre of grass as the sun was shining and I wanted to get it down before work invaded. Almost missed Tesco delivery due to lawn mower noise. Rushed in for 10am conference call. Then from that to a new client call, then 10.20am had to leave to collect the boys (last day of exams so very early start to their weekend) who went to MacDonald's ugh... on the way home to take out some lunch..back here to finish the very last bit of lawn, deal with lots of work admin in the post, put some of the school uniforms in the washer for when the cleaner arrives. Put Tesco shopping away. Despatched a journal to subscribers and the printers (I publish 10 subscription journals as well as my main work). Quick lunch.

Did rather complicated email to client in Austria and tried to get a clearer cost estimate from some barristers' chambers. Checked bank account - people pay without telling me which is complicated so I have to work out who has paid what.

Now back to some work. The perfect life....

Bonsoir · 06/06/2014 15:21

I had a lovely picnic in the sunshine at lunchtime with my DD - delicious sandwiches from the boulangerie and fruit salad with lots of other families from school (mothers, fathers, nannies, grandmothers and of course plenty of children) - sitting on the grass mown by the mairie de Paris Smile.

Retropear · 06/06/2014 16:25

Bonsoir Grin and Envy

Jane your day sounds very similar to mine the only difference being the two hours of "work" you did you got paid for and I didn't.That and my book group and a hike on a Dartmoor(my me day) I did with friends instead of McDs.

Interesting that the fact you got paid for those two hours for some reason makes your life real and full and mine empty.In your view.

You're very lucky that a days work for you means such a varied,relaxed day you can fit in round your family.Reality for the maj is nothing like that.My sister flies round the country full time attending meetings,staying in hotels and missing her kids.

TheWordFactory · 06/06/2014 16:26

I gave a lecture this morning at uniervisity, followed by lunch with my agent. I'm currently sitting in my garden (mown by my gardener) editing my latest book!

TheBogQueen · 06/06/2014 17:02

I know a few SAHMs and none of them spend all day doing housework and wiping bums. They are all involved in school and community projects. They really make a difference to the lives of people in our community.

Bonsoir · 06/06/2014 17:32

And now DP and I are having a glass of wine after spending the afternoon supervising a massive technology installation at home and refusing to think about what we are going to do with all the obsolete computers/televisions/radios... No housework has been done and no bottoms wiped, though I did pop out to pick up DD from school and walk her across the park to the art studio (which she is perfectly capable of doing alone but I like to see her) before going to the market for food for the weekend. Tonight there is la fete des voisins in the garden - tended by the copropriete.

Retropear · 06/06/2014 17:41

I want to live in Paris.

Messygirl · 06/06/2014 17:45

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Messygirl · 06/06/2014 17:45

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Retropear · 06/06/2014 18:01

Oh I'd love to write a book too.

Have thought about writing a children's book but always feel guilty re allocating time to it in the day.

Would live a stint in Paris too.It's in our when the kids have left list.GrinActually thinking of renting an apartment out for a week next year so we can pretend.Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 06/06/2014 18:12

Well I too haven't done any housework today as dh is decorating and the house is a tip, I only did what was necessary yesterday.
He will catch up on it when we go away next week.
You don't have to work for an employer or be self employed to have variety in your life. In fact most working parents I know are more confined and restricted than I am. Its brilliant just being able to do what you like when you like.
I'm not going to write a book but keep meaning to publish the short story my mum wrote, but as I know nothing about doing this and finding an illustrator and publisher, I need time for this project. Grin

TheWordFactory · 06/06/2014 18:30

Well what I would say about writing, is that it's not something you can incorporate into the life of a SAHM - not if you want to be successful anyway. You have to consider yourself self employed and behave accordingly.

Retropear · 06/06/2014 19:06

So what are the differences between 4 free hours in the day of a sahp and the day of a writer?

Obviously you have to give some regular time commitment but not getting why it can't be incorporated into a sahp's life,after all we allegedly do nothing of importance all day.

Jane seems to be able to run her empire in two hours during a day I see no difference to than your average sahp's.

This is why this whole MN role allocation thing is so ridiculous. If I was to clear the decks and give 4 hours a day to writing during my day as a sahp I'd suddenly cross over to the working parent side and be respected instead of belittled.I am the same person,in the same house.Confused

Messygirl · 06/06/2014 19:44

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Messygirl · 06/06/2014 19:47

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Retropear · 06/06/2014 19:56

I know two who do it and one has another job,one is a sahm and home educator.

Considering most authors make diddly squat for a long time I'm guessing an awful lot do other things.

Retropear · 06/06/2014 19:57

Actually come to think of it my sister wrote her two books whilst in a full time job.

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