Behavoural issue or unmet need?

[InkyMamma]

I hope someone can help me here, im at my wits end.
my lovely little girl, aged 6 has just entered year 1. she has always been a bright child, she had a good private nursery education in which she was advanced a year due to her needs. since starting school she has excelled, particularly in creative work and literacy/reading. since year 1 started, she has (according to the head) become a monster to her teachers, not coping with social situations appropriately, answering back to teachers. they are now leaning towards an IEP and assigning to to the SENCO to manage her behaviour.
frankly myself and her father were shocked and dismayed to recieve a call yesterday outlining the above (first contact from school), and we are meeting them on wednesday to discuss. we strongly feel her needs and expectations are not being met... the homework she brings home is a joke for her. her reception teacher sent her home with challenging work, but wouldnt 'officially' look at challenging her workwise as she didnt want her to be pushed at a young age, but knowing S as we do, she thrives on challenge. shes fiercely smart with a very extensive volcabularly which she uses in perfect context, she NEEDS routine, and feels injustice very personally. however, emotionally she is very 'babyish' and takes things to heart. this is the flashpoint for her i feel.

can anyone offer any advice here as to what i need to raise in this meeting? in the meantime i have requested daily feedback from the school of both difficult AND postive aspects of her day...

Hi InkyMamma,

My situation mirrors yours exactly in private nursery and ahead 1 year with strengths in literacy. We moved location and could not get into a private school so decided to send DC to a fabulous village state school with only 50 kids in the school. Within three weeks he went from being top of the class to bottom and his behaviour was apparently horrendous. The teacher noticed every fault and complaind that when she was teaching the ABC he would be picking at the carpet - quel surprise!

We moved him to a private school and no problems with behaviour and he began to excel again. Then we had to relocate so tried the good state school again as we felt it might have been a one off - well the same thing happened and now he is back in private school and although he is an boisterous boy the school have the measure of him and he is thriving. Don't ask me why but just my experience!

Thank you missmem, its nice to know someone understands. Its annoyed me to think that last year she adored school and now she hates it - I hate to think shes unhappy there and not being helped appropriately. ive rescheduled the meeting for monday lunchtime with her teacher.
like you, i also get the feeling that the teacher isnt really choosing her battles at all. S reported yesterday that another child snatched something she was using, and she screamed in protestation, and was immediately sent out of the room. the trouble there for scarlett is she feels great injustice at the original offence gone unchecked...

I would keep a diary of her activities at home and take some examples of what she can do with you and compare it to what she is given at school. Ask family members who can be honest with you what your dd is like, it can be difficult to see sometimes when we love them so much. Could anything else be going on? Bullying? Abuse? What does your dd say?

now what your dd needs is not a total turning of the tables, where she is allowed to scream if someone else has done something admittedly annoying to her

otoh she doesn't need just punishment either

what she needs is a combination of:

a) more suitable work- this will be something for you to discuss with the school

b) being taught socially acceptable ways of dealing with frustration- an important part of this will be your responsibility

I've had to work a lot with my dd on this- she is very bright, so a lot of her mates and some teachers are going to seem dim and uneducated in comparison; she badly needed to be taught about other people's feelings and how to respect them; nb this is a longterm project, but one that needs to start early- dd's early school reports mention how abrupt she sounds, her later ones don't, so clearly something has sunk in.

To get the school on your side, you need to reassure them that you are on their side when it comes to discipline, i.e. you never think it is acceptable to be rude to the teacher etc and will support the school in this

having done this, you can then move on to talk about her feelings and her educational needs

ask what you can do to support her, and ask what the teacher thinks can be done to improve the situation in school

try to give the impression you are working with them

ive had long chats today with her dad and we have identified that using the school bus is very hard for S, as she is expected to relate to a wide age of kids, and will compete with them intellectually but cant take their insults, so frequently ends up in tears, or in trouble for arguing with them. we have decided that we will take her off that with immediate effect to enable her to not get riled up before she even enters the classroom.

i appreciate the advice to give a 'supportive' stance to the school, i will do that, and hopefully they will try and see her needs from another angle.

sounds a good idea; ime starting the day on the right note is essential

the other thing is, it is absolutely the school's job to intervene if your dd is being bullied and they must be made to do so

but of course if she enters arguments and then gets upset, that is going to be hard