Is intelligence more important than social skills? Really?

[daisy5678]

J is 6 with ADHD and autism. He has a Statement of Special Educational Needs which allocates him 33 hours a week of 1:1 support. He's also (technically) gifted - exceptional at reading and verbal scores in particular. Level 3s in all subjects already. He's the youngest in his year too.

Yet...he won't write by hand, he attacks other children, he barely socialises.

I'd love more than anything for him to be able to socialise. I have read threads on here where people say they'd rather that their children were friendless than have friends who aren't on their level.

I guess I wanted to say that your children are very, very lucky. Yes, they have their brains, but, more importantly, they will fit in in this world and have friends and relationships. Isn't that the most important thing? I'm jealous

The thread-type you describe is a vanishingly minority view (as the answers you will get to this one will prove). Don't worry.

But - more to the point, bright children whose social instincts & processing are impaired can learn (slowly, & it's hard work for everyone, granted) much of the skills they don't have instinctively. I'm sure you know that already, but I find it a cheering thought so I thought you might too.

Thanks...I'm hoping so.

My son has ASD and is not especially gifted. Unless anybody is ever able to correctly assess ability in farting where he is pretty outstanding.

He is nearly 12 now and his ability to socilise is massively improved from 6 years ago and he continues to learn and get better.
Maturity helps all children
they learn to control themselves, they cope better with things not being quite as they hoped. It really does get better.
and your child having intellectual abilities that mine does not is even better placed to learn these life skills.
He will get more able in this area. and when he gets friends its great

The other children are sooo understanding and they really try, but he is so controlling and I can understand why they get frustrated and sick of being hit if they don't 'follow instructions'

The intelligence makes it harder for adults to understand too - "oh, but he's so clever - why can't he understand that x or y is dangerous/ anti-social?'

I do recognise the issues GMSOGMC
I have many friends with children who have HFA or aspegers. And I know that my Ds's obvious limitations mean that people imediately understand and are not shocked by bad behaviour or impatience etc.

I am just saying that in my experience over the last six years those kids have tended to get better at tolerance and interaction - through practice as much as anything.

Incredibly difficult to cope with though..

I think it probably depends on what they want as individuals. I don';t know, but I know some people who might..would you be averse to reading some academic stuff if i could get a recommendation for you. Just off the tiop of my head you might want to try goodling Simon Baron-Cohen's stuff

Givemesleep, I have two wonderful DSs age 7 and 12, DS1 has tourettes and is in the AS spectrum, he has an IQ of 148 and the social skills of a dead fish, he has a few friends but he finds it hard.
I am proud of him but sometimes I think I could do without the fact he can write computer proggrams and understand binorey [sp] code and could read, write and do long division at 4/5 if he had more friends and was more outgoing.
It is sad to see him so alone.

Kimi
I hate the point at which children with AS have no ability to form and maintain friendships but have sufficient social awareness to desire them
I really really hate that.

My only comfort in my son being so profoundly impaired is that he is happy with his lot

DS1 is a great kid, and he gets on like a house on fire with aduts but put him with his peers and bam brick wall
I think it is just as hard for a parent to watch as for the child to go through.
He also gets teased a fair bit by the little fuckwits darlings at school, that really makes my mad.
He copes well though, but it is hard at times. Most of the friends he does have are SN too, so sometime it is really hard going as most of them are on par with his social skills wise

Hi Kimi

my ds1 is 11 and also has TS and AS and ludicrously high IQ and 'interesting' social skills ...

he actually gets on much better with older kids - he goes to the SENCO's office at lunchtime as he can't cope with the dinner centre and she told me one day last week there were 2 Y11 boys in there too waiting to do an exam - ds started chatting to them and the SENCO said it was fascinating watching him interact with them as it was completely different to the way he acts with his peers

what comforts me a bit is that when he's 23 he won't have to mix just with other 23 year olds ....

HI mimsum, would love to talk to you more.
I have email but not cat.
Let me know if you would like to chat,

My ds is 9 with AS. His social skills are improving steadily but mostly within the last year, largely since we moved schools but also because he's become more in tune with the development work I do with him at home.

Personally, I think working on his social skills is way more important (in our case) than his academic achievement. He's very bright, always at the top of his class in all subjects, does very well academically across the board, but socially he stinks. I think the lack of social skills is what could potentially hold him back in the future, and that a bright child will always be a bright child and that, if necessary, academic achievement can be put on hold (to a certain degree) while focusing on developing social ability. And because he's so able anyway, he's unlikely to drop too far behind.

As ds gets into secondary, he'll need to learn how to organise himself, communicate with stroppy, grunting teens, understand non-literal teachers, and cope with puberty, among many others. If he fails to manage these aspects it will have a knock-on effect to all areas of his life - he may be bullied or suffer low self-esteem from not fitting in. So for us it's more important that we work on teaching him socially.

The bottom line would be this - if ds came home with an important piece of homework to be done overnight, on the same day that he has an evening social development session, I'd choose the latter and the send homework back to school with a polite note saying he's not doing it.

It's a personal call though, depends on each individual child's social ability and how much it affects them as a whole.

I don't have dc with SEN, my eldest is very academically able and "successful" (on G&T at school blah blah blah) the younger ones are probably around average. I just wanted to say all I want is for my chilren is to be happy, confident and kind to others I really don't care if their IQ is 90 or 150.

Anyway hugs to all you parents who are finding it hard to watch your dc socially struggle I went through that for about 2 years with dc2 but I knew it was a personality thing I can't imagine who hard it must be focusing on the future when your dc will have matured enough to get along with their peers okay.

I think SATS are so wasted learning to lifeskills a million times more important.etc etc etc

My ds is 5 and has as, and is gifted. Unfortunately I still have problems with some staff at his school who think that he should know how wrong it is to attack other children (when they interrupt him) since he can do long multiplication and long division, can read and write at the level of theaverage 9 year old, solve complex acedemic/mathematical/logical problems,etc.etc.
Unfortunately he has a very hard time at school, disrupts lessons with the other children, shouts out all the answers, and so spends alot of time with the lsa, who thinks he is just being naughty, or else she blames me. Also they don't stretch him at all, and he is so bored and rather disasterously is left to get on with alot of things with no structure at all, and so he spends alot of time running around the classroom,getting more and more agitated. The lsa does not help him with stuff like getting changed after p.e, getting out painting stuff and putting away, since she thinks he is just playing up and does not need help, etc. I have complained about this and now she is even worse. I can't wait for this year to end, hopefully he will have a different lsa/teacher next year.
I really hope my ds improves his social skills/organisational skills, he is getting more and more unhappy, and the end of term is proving to be a nightmare.