When did you 'know' your child was gifted?

[SoloMumJustMuddlingThrough]

Were you aware (or have strong suspicions) that your child was 'gifted' before school age?

Did they enjoy nursery? Were they able to flourish in a typical early years setting?

If you are the parent of a gifted child, what have been the main challenges you & your child have faced that a "bright" child wouldn't have?

I find the topic of giftedness very awkward so apologies for my clunky sounding questions. I never know how to phrase it without causing offence to someone.

Thanks in advance!

Totally depends what you mean as I have worked at a school where children were gifted but lazy did really well academically but ended up in minimum wage jobs. Others who showed great learning skills and their lives are much better.

children don’t need to go to preschool or nursery as they are more likely to thrive in a home setting, hence why in lots of countries institutionalising children is discouraged until they are 7.
Some of the most clever people are only ahead in certain things and normal things they often lag behind, physically they are often behind their peers, toilet training is of no interest to them, social skills are lacking etc

Got told in reception that DS was unusually bright. He flew through primary, but often said he was bored. His last year & first year of secondary were disrupted by Covid, but year 8 he was top of everything (except sports 😁) and still saying he was bored, and beginning to push boundaries a bit.
Then he got quite unwell & was in & out of hospital, and basically didn’t go to school until the end of year 10, and then it was minimal because of his health. He took his GCSE’s this year because he didn’t want to be held back, and we’re just hoping for passes. Honestly, being gifted and talented means nothing without your health and happiness.
wishing you all the best with your DD x

And we’re only hoping for passes for his sake, as he desperately doesn’t want to repeat anything-I genuinely don’t care about grades anymore. He’s here, he’s recently been fully discharged from Paediatrics with a cautiously clean bill of health, and that’s the most important thing 😊

I haven't linked being gifted to academic intelligence? Where did I say that?

People study intelligence in all it's forms, and interestingly neurodiversity isn't linked to high intelligence - that's a stereotype that everyone believes because of various films and pop culture figures.

Do you have any particular links, @MsCactus to what you're saying that giftedness and ASD aren't linked?

I've been struck by how many posters have described gifted neurodiverse children, it seems way above the usual rates of neurodiversity.

In my own experience giftedness and neurodiversity go together very often. (If you're gifted you seem more likely to be neurodiverse rather than if you're neurodiverse you're more likely to be gifted iyswim).

Apologies if I misunderstood your point. In the post I quoted, you were very focused on intelligence. I don't believe 'gifted' is necessarily the same as intelligent. In that sense, it would appear we agree. You just don't agree with me that gifted people tend to be autistic. That's fine, although I must say my opinion is based on real life experiences of people I actually know, rather than anything influenced by film and pop culture as you suggest.

In my own experience giftedness and neurodiversity go together very often. (If you're gifted you seem more likely to be neurodiverse rather than if you're neurodiverse you're more likely to be gifted iyswim).

Yes this is exactly my experience too. Everyone I know who I would describe as gifted is autistic (whether officially diagnosed or not). Not everyone I know who is autistic is gifted though.

Also I think girls mask so neurodiversity is often missed.

I also think if children have adhd plus ASD then that covers up the symptoms of both conditions and makes it far less likely to be picked up. Like others have said sometimes it comes up as burn out in adulthood from masking.

Also neurodiversity is hugely genetic. One reason why parents don't realise their kid is ND is because they're also ND.

Re giftedness I totally share your concern about kids finding it hard. Mental health often suffers, my cousin went to Oxbridge, dropped out, then did maths, got a first, is now a programmer and has spent years struggling with MH. She has always been incredibly gifted in maths music english etc etc.

My DD was a little professor age 2 and later diagnosed as ASD.

By the way lots of posters are mentioning kids saying clever sounding phrases at a young age, and talking to adults, these are both absolutely classical features of ASD.

"Totally depends what you mean as I have worked at a school where children were gifted but lazy did really well academically but ended up in minimum wage jobs. Others who showed great learning skills and their lives are much better."

Story of my life. Could read by the age of 2, everything maths, science and language came naturally. However I was never challenged by anything, nor encouraged to try challenging myself. The second things didn't go my way I was lost, and didn't have the coping skills to pick myself back up. Took me years to even get a minimum wage job. Never earned more than that since. I fully suspect I'm ND, but it's never been formally diagnosed.

Too early to tell for my two. DD has finished her first year of school. She did well, and is definitely bright, but nothing that points towards gifted. My DS on the other hand might be. He's very passionate about everything the PP that said "Apparently, gifted children are very INTENSE. They worry about injustice, care about the world and all sorts of problems, are sensitive and emotional and have a high level of empathy." describes my DS to a T. We'll see when he gets to school.

Yes, a thousand times yes. I have witnessed much of this from all sngles.

Children/adults with autism can be gifted in certain areas - as can children/adults without autism.

A great musician/ artist/ mathematician who is autistic is still a great musician/ artist/mathematician. Being autistic doesn't nullify their talents.

I would take issue with the sentiment in the quote and say that some people that had gifted kids later found that their child was autistic. They are still gifted - it hasn't gone away.

For example there is speculation that Einstein may have been autistic. If he was we wouldn't say "we thought Einstein was gifted then we found out he was autistic".

My eldest was an early reader and I think he could have been diagnosed with Autism at some points of his life due to a range of behaviours including difficulty engaging with peers and a love of lining things up.

He's nearly 16 now and has no diagnosis (we never sought any). He's doing great academically and has friends and a busy life of hobbies.

My son learnt piano from grade 1 to grade 8 in 2 years but the reason I think of this type of learning as gifted/neuro diverse rather than bright is the way he learns. During those 2 years he never played for more than 20 minutes in a day, and instead of counting beats (like I did in my much less productive keyboard learning as a teenager) he would be chatting away about other stuff and asking "what's for tea?".

As someone with an older child my main advice to parents of younger kids in this position would be support the social side - the playdates, the making friends with other parents that facilitates friendships between the kids, if you hear your child talking over their pal gently tell them to listen. The academic stuff will to a great extent take care of itself.

I also try to not emphasise grades. My son will ask me "I got x on my test - aren't you proud of me" and I'll say "I'm extremely proud of you but I don't care what you got in your test if you tried your best. If you tried your best that's all you can do " I tell him often I'm proud of his qualities/behaviour e.g. kind/ well behaved etc. I ask him not to brag about grades at school or things being easy as there will be others that tried twice as hard for less good grades and others that don't find it easy. I'm super aware that there are many very clever kids that can't cope if they don't get top grades and find life very hard so I'm trying to raise him to believe grades aren't the be all and end all.

The main thing I wish I could turn back the clock and do differently is to enjoy him more as a young child. I spent a lot of time worrying - mostly due to the drip drip drip of other people's opinions. Whether our children are Autistic, not Autistic or fall into a grey area they have awesome qualities and we should enjoy them all we can - god know we will worry about their difficulties.

Reading this thread I have been struck by the number of people who lost their child or sibling too early, and also the parents whose children are unwell or struggling. I am truly sorry in each case.

Nursery worker told me he would be the Prime Minister but had immature language skills. NHS said his language was ok. Diagnosed ASD at 11yo.

At 3yo he asked a guy running a bouncy castle ride to explain how it all worked.

He assimilates info from the ether. Asked me got him more tech - apple ipad - cos his phone and PC which he used at the same time weren't enough info for him. Like Johnny 5!

He's an adult now. Most people dont know he has autism. He was interviewed by BBC at 19yo because the college director suggested him. They wanted to talk to a student about the local election. The reporter asked him if he would go into politics.

He's 22yo. He knows what he wants to do, he works and has done since 16yo. He may end up in politics, but hopefully he will do what he wants to do over next couple of years before that.

Intelligence is a tricky thing to define. Within a population, so far as I know, it tends not to follow a slowly ascending curve (thick, less thick, average, slightly above average, clever, a bit cleverer and so on up to genius). Instead, you have a small minority with subnormal IQs and a small minority with very high IQs and then the vast majority bunched up in the middle. Most people have roughly similar IQs, in other words. My own experience of people bears that out. I don’t think I have ever met anyone I’d describe as completely stupid and talentless. Even the most violent, dysfunctional, chaotic people are often cleverer than you think.

Also, there are different forms of intelligence. There is logical-mathematical and verbal-linguistic intelligence, which are the two most people think of. But what about empathy? That’s a form of intelligence. What about the appreciation of beauty? (i.e aesthetic intelligence.) What about humour and charm and wit? What about kinaesthetic/practical intelligence (the ability to take apart a car engine and put it back together? Or fix a collapsing shed?). When people tell me their little Sebastian is “very gifted” and needs to go to a private school because he’d be bored at a state, I’m sceptical.

So sorry to hear he's unwell. I hope he makes a full recovery and realises his potential.

@giftedbrotherHow sad, what a loss for your family.

❤️‍🩹

My child said their first word at 10 months. Was speaking in fluent sentences by 18 months.

Was very interested in certain things. Loved the number 5!!! We ALWAYS had to walk down aisle.number 5! 😁 Also liked me to point out letters, words and numbers in the supermarket between the ages of 2-3.

Had a Peppa pig phonics game that taught them the phonetic alphabet. She was 2 and 3 months when we were in the health visitor clinic when she asked a health visitor to write 'M' for Mummy and 'D' for Daddy. I was mortified when the senior health visitor made a big thing about it and told a room full of parents not to compare their 3 year olds to my child as my child was 'exceptional'. God! If looks could kill!!!

However, the was the health visitor went on about it, I realised that my child was above the norm. I honestly thought it was completely normal!

At preschool when they were 2 and 9 months, they asked the practitioner where the number 10 was on the play telephone? They could count and recognise numbers to 100.

They were reading CVC word books by the time they were 3 and before starting nursery school so started the school reading scheme 6 months into nursery. I think they thought I was a pushy Mum when I told them that they liked reading books! My child just had this thirst for knowledge.

Finished the school reading scheme in year 1.

Diagnosed autistic aged 8 after we suspected them of it at age 6.

I have two, long since left school, who were officially G&T academically.

With both of them it was obvious from very very young. Picking up on things, language development, physical development etc. Certainly by the time they started school I was certain.

Have a funny old mixed up lot. Eldest has LD because of a brain injury at birth. Second, bang on average. Third, G&T. Fourth, G&T. Fifth, could be a high achiever but lazy. Sixth, highly achiever. So I wasnt looking for something that wasnt there as I have seen many parents do as they need their child to be extra special.

Having been through extra educational needs with 1, 3 & 4 I would say that actually it was easier with disabled DC1. With a diagnosed condition there are protocols in place, with G&T there isnt and its very much up to the school what they do or dont do to help.

Whilst my DD was at nursery, staff pulled me aside to show me her learning journey. She was pictured standing proudly next to a scale shopping trolley which she had refused all help and instructions for and built entirely on her own through the afternoon. She was early to read and curious about lots of things. She got into a highly competitive grammar with no formal tutoring, just working through the Bond 11+ books for a term before the tests. Won the prize for highest GCSE results in her year. Shes chose to leave the grammar before A Levels as she wanted a bit more freedom and instead went to a local 6th form college. She’s now at Cambridge. She has siblings who are bright but academically average and I can’t say we didn’t anything differently with her.

Huge vocabulary at an early age, including words like 'actually', talked in whole paragraphs, early readers, always very curious, asked questions and made logical connections. Academic all rounders. Remained in top half of one percent all through school, graduated from world top ten universities.

This was/is exactly my experience with my children!

My eldest DS is now 30 and was classed as ‘gifted and talented’ in secondary school. When he was 7 he would sit for hours drawing and we’ve kept a drawing he did of my parents very messy kitchen dresser as the detail is astounding, he included everything precisely! I worried about OCD when he was a teenager but it never took over his life in a bad way. He was very active and played out with his friends after school (we lived in a village and it was pre social media/internet on mobiles). I perceived him as an ‘all rounder’ as he was good at most things and he also had a nice circle of friends so my concerns faded somewhat. At A levels he did ok then went to uni where he got a 1st in maths. He’s excelled beyond our wildest dreams since then (his dad and I are very working class, average salary income) so I’m aware I sound braggy but we’re proud! His work ethic and drive is what’s pushed him to achieve high goals professionally, his amiability has been an asset too and his sense of humour.
Reading this thread, it’s interesting that neurodivergency is mentioned a lot. My DS hasn’t been diagnosed however I’m sure he’s on the spectrum for OCD/ADD. It can be ok if your child is ND, we need to love, guide and try and understand their differences…not easy I know but we can only try our best!

This is a really interesting thread.

My autistic 6 year old son could read before he could communicate, he taught himself to read before 3 and knew all of his times tables at 3 but the comprehension wasn’t there, this is a common sign of hyperlexia- the ability to read from a young age without being taught and a fascination with numbers (he will watch numbers all day if he could) He is gifted in languages, IT and maths (he can now remember 100+ digits of pi) but he can’t have a back and fourth conversation and doesn’t have 1 friend, having said that he is very happy in his own world but I always wonder what the future may hold. He will only teach himself what he is interested in learning and can’t be taught, he is at a mainstream school and spends 98% of the time outside the classroom being baby sat, currently looking for a better solution for him.

like others have said, it’s lovely having a gifted child but having one that can communicate with the world is also just as important, especially as they become adults.

There are a few very gifted children who do need to be treated differently. But being very bright does not necessarily mean you need to be singled out. All children have to learn the same lessons of sociability, empathy and how to operate in society. That’s the most important thing, particularly in the early years.

Oh, and you don’t have to say “Oxbridge” to avoid outing yourself!

I think neurodiverse is a better label than either gifted or autistic in this case, and it’s an interesting question.
My first clue was when as a toddler about three DS preferred doing jigsaws upside down meaning the wooden side up not the picture. It was the shapes that interested him. He has always been very literal and preferred his own company not as popular as I would have hoped. Now he is fifty. Married to a woman more ND than he is who adores him. But they have three children who have inherited a genetic condition unknown from her father ( who is not at all ND). The point is they cope wonderfully. He works in R&D in same bank as when he graduated in computing and is able to largely work at home on a good salary. They are happy. Life and expectations are so unpredictable. I can’t see how if either of them had not been ND they could have coped. The way they solve life problems in a different practical way without fuss or emotion. They can certainly be awkward. It’s really hard to explain. It’s a gift whose attributes can be hard to see. Which may or may not materialise. Certainly feel you have been blessed rather than cursed. Quietly keep faith and cross your fingers, the ride probably won’t be easy. But will surprise you by breaking all your assumptions.

My first son was always amazing at Lego. Building stuff. He’s still the person we all get to sort stuff out (which drives him crazy). He’s moderately dyslexic and struggles with writing and memory, he needed speech therapy to talk but he now works in the film industry and says lots of his colleagues are dyslexic too. He’s a Key Grip which is the person who sets up all the camera tracks/cranes/car rigs. Basically giant Lego!

My second son could read fast and was always so articulate and had an insane memory. He’s not very practical and needs structure in his life or can get a bit stressed (has some therapy but not diagnosed but is very social - can be a bit hyper focused on what he’s doing and not notice the mess around him). He’s just finished his first year at Oxford Uni.

My third son seems bright but a bit distracted by social media (he’s 14) but he’s an amazing actor. He has an agent and manager already. He was unfortunately the age where iPads had just come in and was insanely good at gaming young (the older ones don’t really game these days so I’m hoping my youngest will loose interest with sport and GCSEs) DofE has been good and he loved the volunteer bit.

I think the answer is to be aware, and if they are talented let them thrive out of school as well. Encourage it. Sport was a huge help. They all have different ones they’ve been good at and again not just in school, get them into county and national levels if they love it.

I've only got boys but my sister was very bright and she was always the one who got amazing grades. She teaches International Tax and writes the exams for all the big companies now and is very successful but can be very bossy and a bit unaware at times. She been a great sister to me though and I love her to bits. I think I’ve got some mild ADHD tendencies because I’ve struggled with certain things but no one got diagnosed in the 80’s. I’ve done ok though (I’m a drama teacher) but I get overwhelmed sometimes and I’m better and happier with structure.

I’ll shut up now 😂. Let your little one try lots of different things and stay aware and you’ll be fine.

DS spoke in full sentences very early, read very early, was incredibly demanding, slept very little. After a shaky start he bonded with the Head at his primary and was well supported there.
He was never really interested in the company of other kids, preferred adults and, sadly, did not enjoy his childhood years as he needed to be in control and clearly was unable to be. As his parent it was hard and not a fun experience.
Once he hit 14/15 things became easier for him and me, he had more influence over his own life and found a girlfriend.
He’s now a medical consultant with a lovely wife, still has some challenges but derives enormous pleasure from his work. He’s recently been diagnosed with ADHD which makes sense.
It was a hard road but I wouldn’t change it, I just wish I’d known a bit more about what to expect when he was little. Hopefully things have improved on that score. Best of luck. ❤️