How to help my sporty DD make the best choices

[ElfinsMum]

My DD is - with no genetic help from me - good or very good at most sports she has tried. To begin with, this was fun for her and for us. However, now that she is near the top of primary, all the sports are getting more serious and I am finding it harder to know what we should be encouraging her to do with her time and energy.

DH and I agree that she should do things that she enjoys, is good at and are good for her mental health.

DD is driven, competitive, highly coachable and suffers from anxiety. She is highly committed to all her sports but seems to actually enjoy team sports much more than individual sports. At the moment she plays netball, cricket and competitive swimming.

We didn't choose the swimming. She was talent spotted and we kind of went along with it. A year in she is training 7 hours per week over 4 sessions. She is one of the strongest in her age group in training and she is often complimented on her technique. However, she doesn't seem to be able to produce fast times when racing, I guess because of a combination of her being small and skinny for her age, her performance anxiety and because she trains close to max and doesn't have an extra gear for racing.

We are now arguing as a family about what to do:

DD says she likes swimming training this regularly and doesn't care about doing any better in racing.

DH says she should do whatever she wants and I should wind my neck in.

But I don't think it is worth spending 7.5 hours per week (more if she moves to a higher squad) on swimming if she isn't going to compete. Tbh, I am only really prepared for her to spend that much time on any one sport if she is like county level at it. Because she would never get that childhood time back and it is starting to eat into homework time. I think it is genuinely bonkers for her to spend so much time on swimming when she is actually potentially better at netball, cricket or tennis (which she used to do)... just because the swim club got their teeth into her and it happens to be such a time hungry sport at a young age.

What do other parents of sporty kids do? How do you feel about the time pressures your kids are under? How much do you try and steer their choices? How much weight do you place on current performance or should we just be picking one or two sports now and digging in for the long haul?

I think you are right. Make a plan to stop swimming and concentrate on other sports that take up less time , are better for mental health , more fun and leave time for homework. She can’t do everything

Why does competing matter? If competing is causing her anxiety, why can't she spend her time swimming - which she enjoys - but not compete?

Can't help from a parents perspective, mine are too small for this and I don't think athletically gifted, but I was a swimmer.

I would say that everything changes as children hit puberty. Your daughter might be smaller now and unable to compete against others who are larger but it could all change. It was the opposite for me. I was a county swimmer from a young age but got overtaken after puberty and couldn't keep up no matter how hard I trained. The smaller, skinnier girls got stronger! So I wouldn't write her off now and if she's enjoying it that's the main thing. But you say she has anxiety. Competitive solo sports probably isn't going to be the best for that.

As a former competitive swimming, not swimming…

As you already know, the training commitment is crazy, but so is the commitment required for the rest of your life
As a teen girl especially, it can be very hard on your body image

That said, many years after I ditched the swimming team, (or it ditched me because I wasn’t fast enough) I discovered triathlon, and was actually half decent because of my swim times

If she enjoys running as well, maybe keep tri as an idea on the back burner because it’s a great sport, still involves swimming but not at the intensity of a pure swimmer

You've posted this in gifted and talented... Is she also bright at school? If yes, I'd say carry on with the swimming if it makes her happy, it's good for her to not win at competitions (if she's used to winning at life if you see what I mean!) Good to be challenged. Very good for fitness. If it's interfering with her academic progress then rethink though

Swimming is a very individual sport, putting one against another with lots of solitary hours going up and down the pool. If she has anxiety, would she be better off in a team sport and concentrating on that? Perhaps a more 'all in it together' feel for her, lots of interaction and can celebrate and share achievements as a group

There’s as much evidence supporting future elite athletes trying many sports up to the age of 15-16 vs. the Tiger Woods approach of training in one sport from childhood.

If she loves swimming, it’s not going to hold her back if she is truly athletically gifted and decides at 15 she prefers hockey etc. It’s much better at that age to do something they’re motivated to do.

DC is now older. Did several sports before. Now still does her "weakest" sport which has given her good long-term friends with whom she spends a lot of time with outside this sport.
Her "best" sport she gave up because of lack of the social aspect.

Few positives of swimming going forward
No injuries to carry into later life
She could soon start training as a life guard which would be a great job through college years
It's not weather related like cricket etc
Going forward it opens the way to so many other sports like sailing/ canoeing as being a confident swimmer is a great bonus.
Also it's a sport you can do throughout life. My dh in his 40s/ 50s swam in a veterans club competively long after his football days were over.
She may become stronger and fill out more enabling her to overcome drawbacks of being very skinny but it is a hobby that demands a lot.
I would be slow to put a stop to something she clearly loves but understand the time consuming aspect
Team sports are fantastic for friendships , character building etc so it is a tricky decision.

Because the swim club will be expecting her to compete if they are training her in a competivie squad. It won't be sustainable as she goes up the squads nog to compete. Are you doing the early starts too?

I had swim club kids (one was spotted too) but we began to see how it took over your life in secondary. I think if it's all you love doing and are driven to compete and enjoy the galas and shaving seconds off your time its great. But if not it is too much - which it sounds like in your case. It eventually will be all or nothing with swimming so stopping now means yiu could let other sports develop.

We left and it was the right decision a friend though moved down from the squad to a recreafional one. Do you have anything like that within the club? I think hers was mainly older teens that had stopped competiting to be fair - but you could go up to 4 x a week, there's training but not competitive.

Posted in gifted and talented because it is about being talented at sport. Felt like this was the best place to ask this question without coming off as obnoxious!

She's what I would term bright but within the normal range rather than G&T academically. I mean, being dedicated and driven and all that can get you a long way with pretty much anything in primary school, eh?

My friend who had been a county swimmer did warn me of the increasing hours when we joined too. And later was relieved when we quit. It completely took over her life in secondary and once you're in the cycle it is.hard to quit.

@MintJulia

Why does competing matter? If competing is causing her anxiety, why can't she spend her time swimming - which she enjoys - but not compete?

A swim squad expects members to compete It uses competition performance to rank the squad, uses it to ‘set’ the lanes, uses it as the benchmark for which aspects need to be improved on

No decent club will accept someone who just wants to turn up to training for the fun of it, unfortunately

Let her choose, if she needs to drop other sports to accommodate homework and her swimming preferences then do so. Stop being so controlling

''DD says she likes swimming training this regularly and doesn't care about doing any better in racing'
👆
Read the above, why not follow her needs which she has stated clearly??
You are clearly very pushy whether you realise it or not.
Both my kids ride competitively, will they make the national team, the Olympics?
Probably not. However they enjoy it, do it well and learn to win and lose from it. Im concerned your daughter is anxious around winning/ performing? Why? Can she not just do things for the sake of doing them because she enjoys them? Not because of what you want.
Being involved in sport for years I have seen lots of kids like your daughter, many suffering from poor self esteem/ anxiety because of parental over- involvement. Step back, praise effort not outcomes and let her enjoy doing what she wants, your whole post is a list of what she is 'not'. Let her be who she is and find a hobby yourself?

@SW1amp My DH is a long-retired good but not brilliant swimmer turned reasonable triathlete. He always says he wishes the swim leg counted for more!!

I'm a former competitive swimmer (national level). By the time I was 14/15 I was training 20+ hours a week. Plus competitions. It does take over your life. It has its positives - great friendships, great discipline from an early age - as has to fit in studying/exams around a massive external time commitment. But also a lot of pressure, so not great for anxiety.

I would simply try and foster her love of sports

So let her do what she enjoys

You can enjoy physical activity without competing at a high level, or competing at all

Parents snd coaches taking sport too seriously and taking the fun out of it is probably a reason so many young teen girls give up all sport

Let her do what she enjoys most. Maybe it is time to go from 3 to 2 sports, but let her choose which

All of the posters saying ‘oh let her do what she loves’ and ‘stop being so controlling’ are MASSIVELY missing the point that swim training requires a 5+ day a week commitment to training sessions that start before 6am..!

There are very few families who can easily accommodate that into their weekly routine without at least one parent suffering, as well as the knock on impact on the entire family because of the new bedtimes required for everyone

I ended up going to a specialist swimming boarding school as it was the only way I could fit a training schedule into my life without it destroying the rest of life for my siblings and parents

It’s REALLY not the same as running them down to hockey training once a week and then enjoying a podcast while they crack on with training

Colin56 - she is already in a competitive club. So it is not the parents veing pushy. A competitive swim club is a force of nature and will have memebers practicing al hoours and wont tolerate someone not doing competitions.

Hence the parents looking elsewhere. They are listening to her.

I really think its worth investigating if there is non competitive swimming in the club. I didnt realise ours did that until a friend moved into that stream. Then sessions are optional but you can still keep it up as hobby/fitness.

Ah snap SW1amp.

It's worlds apart from "a couple of nights practice a week."

@Colin56 please see @SW1amp's most recent post about swimming clubs and how they work. She can't just swim for fun in the squad she is now. And is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be swimming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

And yes, you are right, like my daughter I am driven! My thing at her age was horse riding but these days i work in a hard driving industry. One of the reasons I don't step back from a job that stresses me out more than I would like is to make sure I have an outlet for my own competitive streak so I don't put too much on my kids.

Swimming is very competitive and they will demand she competes and the training ramps up if she goes to county level. We pulled ds from swimming as although he was good the thought of training at 6.30am multiple times a week was a step too far for him and us.To be at this level you have to love it and totally commit.

Won't this decision be taken out of your hands soon? Swimming is Uber competitive and the training team give their all to all the students. They are driven and serious. I too wonder how much longer they will allow her to train if she isn't winning competitively in competitions. Surely they'll soon have words, because they'll want her (subtly) replaced in training by a student who is going to win.

@WholeClassKeptIn

But a few minuses to balance your list…

It requires 5+ sessions in the pool per week PLUS additional gym/strength/Pilates sessions on top
Your body strength, size, composition will be picked apart by coaches
You will be prescribed a diet plan to follow and deviation from it will be punished (eg you’ll get kicked off the squad for a week if you are spotted in the chip shop)
You permanently stink of chlorine and it wrecks your hair
If you go on a family holiday, you’re still expected to keep up with training, so will be sent with sheets of drills, and will need to get up at 5am to bash our laps of the holiday pool before the other hotel guests arrive
Oh, and your family holidays will be dictated by finding a hotel with a suitable pool for this to happen
Very little leeway given when you start your periods
There is no leeway for missing training -if it clashes with a party, family wedding, whatever, tough shit. You turn up or you’re off the squad
If your race times drop below a certain level for long enough, you’re off the squad. No opportunity to keep going for the fun of it