How to help my sporty DD make the best choices

[ElfinsMum]

My DD is - with no genetic help from me - good or very good at most sports she has tried. To begin with, this was fun for her and for us. However, now that she is near the top of primary, all the sports are getting more serious and I am finding it harder to know what we should be encouraging her to do with her time and energy.

DH and I agree that she should do things that she enjoys, is good at and are good for her mental health.

DD is driven, competitive, highly coachable and suffers from anxiety. She is highly committed to all her sports but seems to actually enjoy team sports much more than individual sports. At the moment she plays netball, cricket and competitive swimming.

We didn't choose the swimming. She was talent spotted and we kind of went along with it. A year in she is training 7 hours per week over 4 sessions. She is one of the strongest in her age group in training and she is often complimented on her technique. However, she doesn't seem to be able to produce fast times when racing, I guess because of a combination of her being small and skinny for her age, her performance anxiety and because she trains close to max and doesn't have an extra gear for racing.

We are now arguing as a family about what to do:

DD says she likes swimming training this regularly and doesn't care about doing any better in racing.

DH says she should do whatever she wants and I should wind my neck in.

But I don't think it is worth spending 7.5 hours per week (more if she moves to a higher squad) on swimming if she isn't going to compete. Tbh, I am only really prepared for her to spend that much time on any one sport if she is like county level at it. Because she would never get that childhood time back and it is starting to eat into homework time. I think it is genuinely bonkers for her to spend so much time on swimming when she is actually potentially better at netball, cricket or tennis (which she used to do)... just because the swim club got their teeth into her and it happens to be such a time hungry sport at a young age.

What do other parents of sporty kids do? How do you feel about the time pressures your kids are under? How much do you try and steer their choices? How much weight do you place on current performance or should we just be picking one or two sports now and digging in for the long haul?

I have 2 dcs that have both flirted with competitive sports. My ds (7) is currently involved in slalom and loves the training but hates the competitions so for now we accomodate the training but don't do the comps. Dd (17) also did paddlesports, competed the ponies and tried dancing when she was younger.

My experience says that for a child to succeed they need parents that are willing to work just as hard as they are. You give up mornings, evenings and weekends. I've always said for that level of input they need to be competitive otherwise there is no point. But at 10/11 she is probably going to only get bigger and stronger. I would probably stick with it for now, but on the condition she tries her hardest in competitions and improves her own times, forget about anyone else she needs to improve against herself.

I don't have any sporty kids but it sounds like even if she wants to keep up the swimming, she's not going to be able to unless she starts competing and competing successfully. The club just won't invest in her. I also think her self esteem and anxiety could really take a hit if she's training that much without getting any better, especially if she's competitive by nature. Does she understand all this?

I would give it a time limit if it's swimming that she wants to keep up. Say, give it six more months and review it again, she might feel differently by then OR her competition times/places might improve OR you might get feedback from the club about her progress which gives you a better steer.

I don't have sporty children, mine are all really young still, but the above is what I would do in your position.

@SW1amp I don't think you meant to quote me. I'd agreed with you! We have friends still in the club we left and tbh it makes me relieved we left. It is now all they talk about as it takes over everything.

@SW1amp We aren't doing earlies at the moment. The club offers a mix of earlies and after school sessions. Previously she did a few 6.30am sessions but when she moved up squads, the morning sessions moved to 5.30am!! I wrote to them and said she would not be doing 5.30 starts because I wanted her to have enough energy for school.

Really, I wanted to write in SHOUTY CAPS that 5.30 for ten year olds is wrong and teaches the exact opposite of healthy balance.

I think you've potentially caught something early that will take a lot of time, slowly obsess and isolate her and (given how her brain works) could easily lead to eating disorders and more. Your dh hasn't quite twigged this.

Talk to her and say you love how sporty she is but no, those competitive swimming times just aren't going to work for the family - other people including you have needs too. She can still go swimming x times a week but needs to do all homework etc etc to be able to do this. Then get her focused on those team sports.

No it won't be popular and you'll be the Bad Guy for a while, but it'll be better for her to be more around other people.

[quote WholeClassKeptIn]**@SW1amp* I don't think you meant to quote me. I'd agreed with you! We have friends still in the club we left and tbh it makes me relieved we left. It is now all they talk about as it takes over everything.*[/quote]
Sorry, I didn’t!
I meant to reply to @junebirthdaygirl who posted a list of positives about swimming..!

Which, by the way, I largely agree with
But it’s not all rosy, especially for a girl

But as she progreses and gets older the morning sessions are very much part of it.

Our swim club has a non competitive squad. Mostly full of 14-18 year olds. My son moved there when his squad went to 8 hours a week and he hated it. He now does 2 hours a week (3 hours max) and does it to keep his fitness up for his other sports he does. He tried Waterpolo for a bit too but the training was just too far away and in a day that he had another sport. Might be worth looking into too as he did enjoy it.

Crikey, I wouldn’t say controlling, I’d say lovely mum who is looking out for her daughter and looking at best options!

We had same issues with our daughter, she put her hand up for everything. We did as much as we could with a lot of juggling, and she naturally went down a path and other things dropped.

She chose waterpolo, which was amazing. She was a bit of a superstar when younger and then most of the girls caught up and she was no longer the golden girl. Still loved it and I think will play socially at uni.

Good luck with the choices

[quote ElfinsMum]@SW1amp We aren't doing earlies at the moment. The club offers a mix of earlies and after school sessions. Previously she did a few 6.30am sessions but when she moved up squads, the morning sessions moved to 5.30am!! I wrote to them and said she would not be doing 5.30 starts because I wanted her to have enough energy for school.

Really, I wanted to write in SHOUTY CAPS that 5.30 for ten year olds is wrong and teaches the exact opposite of healthy balance.[/quote]
5:30am starts?!

I would also have a healthy mistrust of someone who’s hobby is getting up before 5am to coach kids (voluntarily?) - they will themselves have such an obsessive mindset with no concept of balance, and I wouldn’t want that to be seen as normal or healthy by my DC

I gave up swimming at 15, but it took me til my 20s to be able to get into an indoor chlorinated pool and swim for fun because as soon as the smell and humidity hit me, I was transported back to being a teen being yelled at about drills
I still can’t get in a pool without first reading the whiteboard for the session, and rating it out of 10, even when I was taking my DC for baby classes..!
It seeps into your subconscious!

@vanishun Yes, yes, yes. You have articulated the subconscious worry behind what I could get out onto paper.

All the ex swimmers and ex swimming parents on the thread, @vanishun's post, discuss!!

[quote ElfinsMum]**@Colin56* please see @SW1amp*'s most recent post about swimming clubs and how they work. She can't just swim for fun in the squad she is now. And is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be swimming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

And yes, you are right, like my daughter I am driven! My thing at her age was horse riding but these days i work in a hard driving industry. One of the reasons I don't step back from a job that stresses me out more than I would like is to make sure I have an outlet for my own competitive streak so I don't put too much on my kids.[/quote]
I understand that, one of my kids swims. Some people say driven instead of pushy. If we want our kids, especially girls to be able to have agency over their needs and wants we have to allow them to make their own choices even if we as parents dont like them. She can continue to swim until it becomes apparent to her she is not good enough for squad or she gives up herself. Its a natural ending without any interference from you. Our kids have many selves and they can become competent about ending or starting those selves if we let them. Sounds like you want to manage her a lot.

What about a similar but less time consuming hobby? Lifesaving is fun and has competitions but nowhere near the level of dedication needed. Quite a few ex swimmers locally move into that but we hve a good lifesaving club. Or diving for fun? Or sailing...

We also left squad gymnastics (I cant believe mine chose 2 of the real all consuming sports to follow.) You don't realise where its al lgoing when they are young and picked for teams. .. anyway the relidf was huge when we stopped!.

I had a similar DD - amazing at everything until about Y8.

Then puberty hit and so did dips in performance/plateau. With hindsight, I think the same happened to me. but in the 80s I'm not sure anyone really understood the effects of puberty.

I would say encourage her to try everything - although she may be good at lots of sports because she is so fir from all the swimming. Giving up swimming might effect he rother sports.

@nzeire I used to say that if she dropped out of swimming, we would try water polo because it is a team sport, a ball sport, she would probably enjoy it and be pretty good at it.

But we're in Western Australia...if anything water polo is more competitive than swimming!! And our local water polo club happens to be nationally competitive at least at the top end (that is probably potentially outing to any other West Australians reading along....hi fellow sandgropers!!). Also, did your daughter find it very rough? Not all parents will let their kids do water polo here because it is too rough.

Our swimming club encourage competitions but you don't have to . My DC does a weekend 7 am but doesn't have to do so. No other early starts. Some girls only swim 2 sessions.
It's good for general fitness, so helps with other sports.
Because DC has spent so much time she has made some good friends.
With team sports it's more difficult to miss out on training. Other DC misses a training football session one week, then not allowed to participate in the match but still ha to attend as sub.
With swimming DC does as much or as little as she wants.

Glad it helped OP.

She sounds very similar to me as a child, and unfortunately, I've had some issues over the years (and been diagnosed as autistic later in life, but that's an aside).

More emphasis on team sports could be the absolute making of her, because she won't be just competing against herself mentally. (I'm sure some are terrible of course but with the right group of people, they can help to develop more confident and healthy attitudes to others, sports and diet generally.)

@Colin56 I am drawn to your idea of letting the swimming play out to its natural conclusion. But it could take some time from here as she is at least a couple of squad levels from where they really draw a line and redirect the non elite to the fitness squad.

as an ex competitive swimmer I would discourage solely or even mostly swimming. but if she enjoys enjoys then try and keep it in there somehow. some clubs offer non competitive or fun squads for kids who like swimming but don't want to or can't commit to all the hours.

swimming is hard, often lonely, and as you already see very time intensive. some kids train up to 20 hrs a week, depending on age, club and ability. I trained up to 14hrs per week, the max available to me. when I look back I am glad I swam, and I miss it, but I have so many injuries that I couldn't go back to that level of swimming and will only ever swim for general fitness now. and I often wonder if it would be easier to keep fit now if I'd done more sports when I was younger as now the only thing I am any good at is swimming and at the moment I can't get any pool time!

Look I’m to a private school scholarship

My child has a sports scholarship

All training done there.
So absolutely bugger all effort on my part! But he is making incredible progress without it eating in to family life

But if you’re asking about swimming - I’d say no.

Team sports all the way.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

But if you’re asking about swimming - I’d say no.

Team sports all the way.

You can’t ‘cure’ someone of a swimming obsession with team sports..!

And team sports aren’t for everyone, some people are happier doing non-team sports

I’ve tried so many times to get into team sports but it just doesn’t suit my brain
The pressure of letting down 10 other people if you underperform was terrifying to me as a child and still is to me as an adult
The politics, the pressure to be a team captain, second guessing other people and their moves
Nope!

Give me a sport where it’s all on my shoulders to make it or break it, and I’ll love every minute of it

Did you read the op? I did

She enjoys team sports MORE than individual

@Oftenithinkaboutit

Did you read the op? I did

She enjoys team sports MORE than individual

Did YOU read the OP, where she says her DD suffers from anxiety..?

You can enjoy cricket for the sporting side of it but hate the team aspect of it

I’m just cautioning that team sports can be very tough on kids who are anxious and set high standards for themselves because of the perception of letting others down when they don’t perform well…