Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

Original poster

How to help my sporty DD make the best choices

112 replies

ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 06:58

My DD is - with no genetic help from me - good or very good at most sports she has tried. To begin with, this was fun for her and for us. However, now that she is near the top of primary, all the sports are getting more serious and I am finding it harder to know what we should be encouraging her to do with her time and energy.

DH and I agree that she should do things that she enjoys, is good at and are good for her mental health.

DD is driven, competitive, highly coachable and suffers from anxiety. She is highly committed to all her sports but seems to actually enjoy team sports much more than individual sports. At the moment she plays netball, cricket and competitive swimming.

We didn't choose the swimming. She was talent spotted and we kind of went along with it. A year in she is training 7 hours per week over 4 sessions. She is one of the strongest in her age group in training and she is often complimented on her technique. However, she doesn't seem to be able to produce fast times when racing, I guess because of a combination of her being small and skinny for her age, her performance anxiety and because she trains close to max and doesn't have an extra gear for racing.

We are now arguing as a family about what to do:

DD says she likes swimming training this regularly and doesn't care about doing any better in racing.

DH says she should do whatever she wants and I should wind my neck in.

But I don't think it is worth spending 7.5 hours per week (more if she moves to a higher squad) on swimming if she isn't going to compete. Tbh, I am only really prepared for her to spend that much time on any one sport if she is like county level at it. Because she would never get that childhood time back and it is starting to eat into homework time. I think it is genuinely bonkers for her to spend so much time on swimming when she is actually potentially better at netball, cricket or tennis (which she used to do)... just because the swim club got their teeth into her and it happens to be such a time hungry sport at a young age.

What do other parents of sporty kids do? How do you feel about the time pressures your kids are under? How much do you try and steer their choices? How much weight do you place on current performance or should we just be picking one or two sports now and digging in for the long haul?

OP posts:
Original poster
ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 08:23

@Oftenithinkaboutit yes, being sporty really helps with private school entry here. We have her down for a private secondary. If she is selected to swim in the school squad then she would train 4-5 mornings per week. But the squad she is in now is probably a higher level than the school squad, if you adjust a bit for age.

OP posts:
WholeClassKeptIn · 31/10/2021 08:25

That could be a bit tough having your school place dependent on being in the school swim squad when you hate swim competitions....

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 08:26

[quote ElfinsMum]@Oftenithinkaboutit yes, being sporty really helps with private school entry here. We have her down for a private secondary. If she is selected to swim in the school squad then she would train 4-5 mornings per week. But the squad she is in now is probably a higher level than the school squad, if you adjust a bit for age.[/quote]
Good to hear op. On same wave length

I can recommend it more highly. The provision and opportunity is outstanding

She sounds perfect candidate

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 08:27

I can’t recommend it more highly

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 08:28

My son’s scholarship is not based on one sport

He’s an exceptional all rounder and very strong at maths

She will likely need to be particularly strong in one academic subject or performing arts as well

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 08:29

@SW1amp and @Oftenithinkaboutit You are both right! She does enjoy team sports more. But there are definitely tensions in the team thing too ... Not so much that she stresses about letting the team down but more that she gets particularly frustrated if others don't seem to care as much or try as hard...or in one particular case, the girl just isn't v good at the sport.

OP posts:
Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 08:30

[quote ElfinsMum]**@SW1amp* and @Oftenithinkaboutit* You are both right! She does enjoy team sports more. But there are definitely tensions in the team thing too ... Not so much that she stresses about letting the team down but more that she gets particularly frustrated if others don't seem to care as much or try as hard...or in one particular case, the girl just isn't v good at the sport.[/quote]
Private perfect

All so focussed it’s incredible and inspiring

Dentistlakes · 31/10/2021 08:31

Competitive swimming is a massive commitment if she’s not fussed about the competing part. It will only become more and more demanding and as she has some talent, her coaches will be pushing her. If she isn’t really keen then this is the one I would drop. If she wants to keep swimming without the competitive element then it might be worth seeing if your club has a non competitive squad.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 08:31

All very very proud to represent their school and fiercely loyal and team spirited

jay55 · 31/10/2021 08:32

Could swimming be something she does with her dad a couple of times a week, rather than be in a serious squad?
And keep the netball and cricket.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 08:40

@wholeclasskeptin Her place isn't dependent on swimming at all. She doesn't have any kind of scholarship place. It was just another nice thing to drop into the interview!

OP posts:
WholeClassKeptIn · 31/10/2021 08:42

Ah misunderstood! I thought you meant a swim bursary!

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 08:49

@Oftenithinkaboutit Oooh, the private school worship is making me uncomfortable. I'm guessing maybe you didn't attend a private school yourself? Lots of us who attended competitive private schools (public schools really) find it has impacted us in problematic ways later on. I hope your son continues to love his school now and into his later life.

OP posts:
2reefsin30knots · 31/10/2021 08:52

With respect to the swimming, she may just not have found her event yet. My DS was similar to your DD at 9yo-ish. Did great in training, looked very promising, but didn't seem to have the 'extra gear'. I was pretty sure he was going to be a distance swimmer and wasn't going to come into his own on times until the 800+ events kicked in. However, I was a swimmer, and mainly because I thought it looked like he would be good enough to be sucked into the 20+ hrs of training but wasn't brimming with love for it, I encourage him to drop it. He dropped down into a less competitive club first, then just into the school squad.

If she is competitive and wants to do well in a sport, I'd look carefully at the opportunities you have locally. It's easier to progress if your local club is a really good one and your region is very active/ strong. It's hard if you decide you want to be great at (say) netball, but your local clubs are all recreational and your region is bottom ranking.

TBH it sounds like the polo might be perfect if you live near a top club.

2reefsin30knots · 31/10/2021 08:55

BTW DS switched out into another sport which he does love, which is very strong in our local area and is now in regional and national squads. It's very different to swimming but requires just as much lifestyle re-arrangement from us all. Elite sport and balanced lifestyles don't really go together.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 31/10/2021 09:02

@2reefsin30knots What age did he really commit to his now elite sport? I am naturally wary of all the sports that require huge commitment very early, you know swimming, gymnastics, ballet.

Actually, broader question: what are some good sports that you can get into later and go on to do well in??

OP posts:
Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 09:17

[quote ElfinsMum]@Oftenithinkaboutit Oooh, the private school worship is making me uncomfortable. I'm guessing maybe you didn't attend a private school yourself? Lots of us who attended competitive private schools (public schools really) find it has impacted us in problematic ways later on. I hope your son continues to love his school now and into his later life.[/quote]
I did
From 3-18

Absolutely loved it

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 09:18

@2reefsin30knots

With respect to the swimming, she may just not have found her event yet. My DS was similar to your DD at 9yo-ish. Did great in training, looked very promising, but didn't seem to have the 'extra gear'. I was pretty sure he was going to be a distance swimmer and wasn't going to come into his own on times until the 800+ events kicked in. However, I was a swimmer, and mainly because I thought it looked like he would be good enough to be sucked into the 20+ hrs of training but wasn't brimming with love for it, I encourage him to drop it. He dropped down into a less competitive club first, then just into the school squad.

If she is competitive and wants to do well in a sport, I'd look carefully at the opportunities you have locally. It's easier to progress if your local club is a really good one and your region is very active/ strong. It's hard if you decide you want to be great at (say) netball, but your local clubs are all recreational and your region is bottom ranking.

TBH it sounds like the polo might be perfect if you live near a top club.

Yes water polo!
Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 09:37

Sorry if I missed
But how old is your daughter?

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 09:50

I understand your concerns about the swimming. It sounds like a big investment of time and quite a lot of pressure. However, I would be led by what your dd wants to do. Talk through your concerns with her, by all means, but let her make the final decision. It's her life.

2reefsin30knots · 31/10/2021 09:59

I really wouldn't say he is 'elite'. He's in the 'pathway', but so are lots of kids. The sport he's in now is generally considered to be a 'late entry' sport (sailing). I know absolutely nothing about sailing but my observation from the shore is that most people who go on to do well have actually been sailing from quite an early age (8 or 9) albeit just learning at first. He has been doing squads for the last year (he's an U12)- once you are doing squads & regional + national circuit you do have to give a lot of time over to it. IMO the sailing infrastructure in the UK has a MUCH healthier outlook junior/ youth athletes than the swimming. The pathway is quite inclusive and the kids are genuinely taught to look at processes not results and to experiment and fail repeatedly (and cheerfully) as part of learning- they try to develop the whole child into a resilient, healthy person. Keeping it fun is really encouraged. There are also lots of healthy routes out of the 'pathway' which are not seen as second class options.

I was Hmm at some recent facebook posts from the sport I did (aquatic discipline) this week. Days and days of high pressure trials across 3 phases covering months for the junior national squad, with fail points at each phase. For a sport we are rubbish at as a nation. Maybe if they took some tips from British Sailing's attitude towards 13/14yo children- rather 'than do this or FAIL'- and exposed as many kids as they possibly could to high level coaching, they would do better. But then those kid's competitive lives will be pretty much over at 25, so maybe the early pressure is a necessary evil. It's clearly not getting the results though.

(Sorry, you got me on my soap box! Grin )

The only 'true' late entry sport I know of is rowing.

lljkk · 31/10/2021 10:30

DD was both sporty & brainy (had a group of friends like this, too).
Suddenly, about age 9-10, everyone was gushing over her natural athleticism.

She must have attended an indecent club because they let her just swim with them once a week for fitness not competition. She would not quit completely for a long time.

is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be swimming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

I wanted to turn that around & say

is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be gaming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

I mean, if one is ok, then why not the other. She could do worse things with her time.

It reads like OP is super concerned that child must reach her potential, in “some sport”, rather than willing to let the child’s own level of interest drive what child achieves. imho, I wouldn’t insist that the child must focus on any specific thing. Lots of swimming for fun IS fine.

DS went to school with someone who now plays for England (footie). Her parents encouraged & supported but didn't choose her interests. The Lioness had a sister who was just as keen on footie but got injured : OP's child could get sidelined by injuries too, another reason not to get too invested in only one path. Chris Hoy made lots of efforts in many sports some of which he enjoyed but never excelled at (MTB), some of which he did very well at (rowing) & some of which he was world-beating at (track cycling).

ps: DD chose the brainy path in the end. She’s content with that.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 31/10/2021 10:35

I'm a former competitive county level gymnast and the post about anxiety coming from the parents is nonsense.

Anxiety in me came from constantly comparing myself to the rest of my squad and the elite gymnasts in the squads above me and those I competed against.

At competition in gymnastics literally everyone is watching only you on that apparatus. At least in swimming not all eyes are on you. I found that element of competition really difficult. If you make a mistake, there is no hiding place.

Pressure comes from coaches, peer pressure, pressure you put on yourself to keep up. Blaming the parents is just lazy. If anything the OP sounds balanced by not wishing to put her DD through all the stress and effort for not much reward. The pressure will be on already.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 10:39

@lljkk

DD was both sporty & brainy (had a group of friends like this, too). Suddenly, about age 9-10, everyone was gushing over her natural athleticism.

She must have attended an indecent club because they let her just swim with them once a week for fitness not competition. She would not quit completely for a long time.

is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be swimming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

I wanted to turn that around & say

is it healthy and balanced for a ten year old to be gaming over 7 hours a week for fun anyway??

I mean, if one is ok, then why not the other. She could do worse things with her time.

It reads like OP is super concerned that child must reach her potential, in “some sport”, rather than willing to let the child’s own level of interest drive what child achieves. imho, I wouldn’t insist that the child must focus on any specific thing. Lots of swimming for fun IS fine.

DS went to school with someone who now plays for England (footie). Her parents encouraged & supported but didn't choose her interests. The Lioness had a sister who was just as keen on footie but got injured : OP's child could get sidelined by injuries too, another reason not to get too invested in only one path. Chris Hoy made lots of efforts in many sports some of which he enjoyed but never excelled at (MTB), some of which he did very well at (rowing) & some of which he was world-beating at (track cycling).

ps: DD chose the brainy path in the end. She’s content with that.

This

My son doesn’t play computer games

He does do 8 hours of rugby a week

I don’t think anyone would blink if we were talking computer games

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 31/10/2021 10:42

I was doing 9 to 12 hours of gymnastics training a week plus 6 to 8 hours of travelling to training a week. All my evenings 3 days a week were straight from school to gymnastics to home and eating evening meal at 10pm. Homework in the car on the way there or back. Some weekends too with county squad, extra training or competition.

I wouldn't wish that on my child tbh. I gave up at 13 and switched in to sports I did as hobbies and enjoyed it much more.

Swipe left for the next trending thread