Do you ever wonder what it's like to have a normal child?

[RoboJesus]

I always imagined having a normal child and I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Having a gifted child definitely changes things. Obviously I love my child perfectly as they are though. Does anyone get what I mean?

*nice

Sorry Dyslexia coming to the fore there so will hop back under my stone and contemplate my normality

How on earth do you define normal?

DD1 is NT but took her GCSE maths 18 months early and got an A. She struggled in other subjects but got enough points to go to uni. She's now been diagnosed with dyslexia and is getting the support she needs to do her course.

DD2 is 12, diagnosed with ASD two years ago. She is incredibly bright, top sets for every subject, one of the top two students in both science and French in her year. The only child to get a silver in the maths challenge in her school. She soaks up information like a sponge, remembers everything and is diligent with homework. Her social skills however are awful and that's what I and the school are working on most of the time.

A friend of mine has a son with ASD. Dreadful social skills, to the point of being rude but did his GCSE Maths age 12 and got an A*. He is incredibly intelligent and his school caters work to his abilities but again, the social side of things is more important to both his mum and the school so that's what they work on.

All children have a talent for something. Whether it's academic, artistic, sporty or something physical like taking apart something and putting it back together. Some are excellent communicators and do well in debates, others are very caring and empathetic and will do well in social situations.

I have yet to meet a child or adult that excels in all of these things.

yes I had a test and it was extremely high, but then I did those kinds of problems in my room for fun!. I was in a national newspaper because of the results. No idea what they were and didn't much care. No I didn't meet anyone who shared my interests, went to bog standard state schools. I had a couple of teachers who were great. Got bullied a bit at comp because I used to get 100% in all exams for the first few years. begged my parents to send me to a local high performing private school but they couldn't afford it and wouldn't let me take a scholarship as they would have been embarrassed about their car/house etc.

Don't feel depressed! I am generally a very happy person and brilliatn at quizzes etc! Still don't have much of a work ethic though!

One of the best things that ever happened to me was meeting dh who I suspect is also very clever although he was average at school. We understand each other very well.

I have three very averagely intelligent children so whatever it was certainly wasn't genetic!!

Thanks for sharing, Jorah.

That sounds really sad Jorah and a reminder that so much depends on just providing a stable, calm, loving environment and being generally encouraging of your child's interests. All the things you missed out on. Even so, you seem to have done a lot with what you were given.

Thank you! I remember desperately wanting a calm quiet home life where you could have deep intellectual discussions I was incredibly sensitive as well as clever which didn't help.

I aced o levels, 10 As which was about the most you could take. I took Latin o level myself - got hold of past papers, spent 6 months learning it then did the papers under timed conditions. Marked it myself and got pretty much full marks. That was the kind of thing I did for fun. I lived in the local library and wrote essays about different things that appealed to me. I also had a metre square marked out in the garden and checked it every day making notes about what grew or lived there.

I sound totally weird it's nice writing all this down actually

That sounds very hard, jorah, but somewhat similar to my experience. We were given some opportunities, but only what they approved of, and mainly those which took no input from them. I won a full scholarship to the top girls'school in the country when I was seven, but my parents didn't let me go because they didn't want to do the travel ( then why the fuck apply?).
When my sibling won a place at music school, they magically could manage the travel.

But it evens out in the end- they treated him just as badly as they treated me, just in different ways. We neither mourn not miss them.

What I meant to say is I do everything within my power to give my children the widest spread of opportunities possible. I cannot fathom how a parent would not do this, it's just wanting the best for your child. Gifted or not, everyone is good at something, and everyone can get great pleasure and enjoyment from something- I'm here to help them find it.

I won a full scholarship to the top girls'school in the country when I was seven, but my parents didn't let me go because they didn't want to do the travel

Were you very frustrated? Frustration was the overriding feeling I had with my parents.

Worse than frustrated, I was already resigned to the fact that it didn't matter how outstanding I was, they didn't care unless it was specific areas. (i.e. music or languages)

Jorah

Your description of yourself is very like my ds. He loves building and rebuilding computers, learning code and writing stuff.

He was glad when A levels finished because he could get on with his own 'work' which is something to do with 'deep learning', and spending more time on his interests. He is off to do computer science with 4 A* prediction from a normal comp, no tutors and he often drops only a few marks here and there.

I would never think of him as abnormal though. He socialises and has a job.

I don't talk about my dcs in real life much unless asked directly or I stick to stories about typical teenage behaviour-messy rooms etc.

I learnt to hide my own interests and abilities as a child to fit in and still keep quiet now as people think you're showing off. For example I enjoy learning languages or musical instruments, reading nonfiction factual books which a lot of people don't see as relaxing or enjoyable. Even just writing that down already makes me sound egotistical.

Hey ho, at least I've got insight.

I was a G&T child. I’m pretty normal. DS (18mo) is showing signs of being a smart cookie and if he is G&T then good for him, if he’s not then that’s good too. Either way he’s normal. The responsibility is on YOU as a parent not to make your child feel other. My parents filled the gap of any intellectual stimulus I didn’t get at school by encouraging my interests, but also taught me that all people’s minds work differently and it didn’t make anyone better or worse than me if they weren’t as quick to learn. THAT’s what you need to focus on, not creating a divide between your child and their non-G&T peers.

I don't talk about my dcs in real life much unless asked directly or I stick to stories about typical teenage behaviour-messy rooms etc.

I learnt to hide my own interests and abilities as a child to fit in and still keep quiet now as people think you're showing off. For example I enjoy learning languages or musical instruments, reading nonfiction factual books which a lot of people don't see as relaxing or enjoyable. Even just writing that down already makes me sound egotistical.

That is so sad! I can’t imagine having to hide my interests away in case someone thinks I’m egotistical. I suppose I’m lucky to have fallen in with a group (including DP and his DM) who think those interests are totally normal and enjoyable and should be encouraged. I have first-hand experience of the kind of anti-intellectuals who would make fun of that, but I just don’t associate with people like that. Do you feel you’ve had trouble meeting like-minded people for any reason?

I definitely hide my interests! I am a 50+ woman living rurally. I am not supposed to enjoy mending my computer, playing computer games, learning languages, teaching myself maths. I do like socialising and baking, but tbh, if I've even alluded to things like watching odd foreign films people look at me as though I am mad, boring or both. I've learnt over the years that people think I am arrogant and a know all, so I just keep quiet. a lot of people assume that if I talk animatedly about an obscure film that i am just showing off, rather than desperate for a like mind to talk about it with. I did an MA a few years ago and was told at the time I should go straight to a phd but I am not sure I have the stickability. I need something intellectual in short sharp bursts!!

This is hard to write and I'll be judged but I DO find a lot of people really boring I know on one level that of course they will have hidden interests and depths but I find small talk absolutely excruciating (I can do it, I am good at it, I know the rules). It's as though I know what they are going to say before they say it and I am already bored. That is the absolute downside of being me and I am not sure if that comes from once being very clever or just actually being arrogant!

I've never felt that I have to hide my interests at all. Many of my friends and family have similar interests, I don't think it's that unusual to have intellectual interests. It's a shame that some people feel that can't be who they are.

I don't find other people boring either. I find humans endlessly fascinating.

I wonder how much of that is a function of living rurally, Jorah?
No intention to patronise non city dwellers, but I can’t see a reason for any of that stuff to raise an eyebrow?
Are you really surrounded by people who do no more than make jam for the WI? I would imagine you are projecting, somewhat.
Talking of what you’re “not supposed to” do or take an interest in rather suggests you are radically different to those around you.
It may not be so.

I find that a bit bizarre Jorah. I live far from a cultural centre and have never had a problem with having intellectual conversations. I can’t really think of anyone who would be bothered one way or another if a middle aged woman messed around with a computer or watched foreign films.

a lot of people assume that if I talk animatedly about an obscure film that i am just showing off

This is me with art. 😅 Some people just don’t see how you can find something so wonderful and go straight to assuming you’re putting it on and being pretentious. To use a MN catchphrase, “it says more about them than it does about you*.

I find that a bit bizarre Jorah. I live far from a cultural centre and have never had a problem with having intellectual conversations. I can’t really think of anyone who would be bothered one way or another if a middle aged woman messed around with a computer or watched foreign films.

So maybe you don’t live in the same area...?

Jorah, I don't think I want to mend my computer, but all the other thing, I do!
I play computer games, learning foreign language and maths online. My dh look at me like I'm a weirdo, but who cares, it's really fun.

Someone made the point it may be due to being rural - I was saying that wasn’t my experience. Tbh have lived all over the U.K. & never found a problem having intellectual discussions.

could be devilish

could also be my age. It was easier when younger

It doesn't really matter, not everyone has to be interested in the same thing and dh is a good person to talk to and my dcs like it.

I wasn’t casting aspersions with the rural thing! Jorah mentioned it specifically so I just thought the fact that there are so comparatively few local people might be a factor in why she hadn’t met any likeminded people.
None of the interests she mentions seems remotely odd.

No I agree, there’s nothing unusual (& if I have read correctly Jorah is the same sort of age as me). That’s why I am a bit bemused.

Go and do that PhD Jorah - it’s the easiest way to surround yourself with as many intellectual conversations as you want! And whilst writing up is a plod the rest of it can be done in short sharp bursts (as can most of writing up if you structure your time/research appropriately).