Is school failing my child? I need some advice, I feel like a PITA mum...

[jaws5]

My son is 7, y3. School sent him for assessment over a year ago as teacher was convinced he had Aspergers: in class he was misbehaving, not paying attention, performing average on his NC levels but showing immense creativity, up and down with friendships... He had an iq test and scored very high on verbal and nonverbal ability (99.6/98.5), and scored 0 on a separate autism assessment. He displayed dyslexic traits that need more investigation. Both doctors said he's very bright but not aspergers, and it's the school's responsibility to provide for him. A year later he is more motivated as his teacher is a bit more unconventional, but his NC levels are still average. He seems to use his own methods, especially in maths, and it's all a bit up and down. He has been getting support to improve his handwriting, and it's better, but still no news on a dyslexia assessment despite me asking on several occasions. I tried to speak to the Head, he just said "he's obviously a really bright boy, but I think there's something else and I don't think it's dyslexia", before sending me to speak to the Stage leader who told me there's no funding for him as other children need it more. I was left quite lost: if Head thinks it's not dyslexia, why aren't we investigating to see what is it, if anything? This was last year, nothing has happened since, really. I don't know what to do, how to support my child. His teacher thinks that he will start ticking the boxes when he's decided he wants to be top of the class. I'm not sure he will. I worry that he's underperforming and this will create a pattern. Any advice or similar experiences, please!

var123 your son sounds lovely! My son is younger, 7, he used to be a really laid back baby and toddler, I couldn't believe how easy he was compared to his sister! But at 4 or 5 he started to become more difficult and intense, lots of problems in Y1 with bad behaviour, etc. G&T coordinator was suggested last year that there is a problem (dyslexia probably) that is making him frustrated...

var123 your son sounds lovely! My son is younger, 7, he used to be a really laid back baby and toddler, I couldn't believe how easy he was compared to his sister! But at 4 or 5 he started to become more difficult and intense, lots of problems in Y1 with bad behaviour, etc. G&T coordinator suggested last year that there is a problem (dyslexia probably) that is making him frustrated...

var123 re: football , so does my 12 y/o daughter!

That's a sort of perfectionism, Jaws5. They can see what needs to be done, can see that its not that complicated and then become very angry when they just can't do it.

I can't tell left from right, which i now know is connected to dyslexia. I must have tried to learn it a million times in the last 40 years. I mean how hard can it be? Everyone does it and people say that I have an extremely good memory. (DH complains about my memory because I can easily remember detail that proves him wrong in arguments!).

If I try, I will think really hard about which is left and which is right for a minute and be reasonably sure I've worked it out. Then i can commit the information to short term memory. However, if I go and do something else and then someone asks me, I will have forgotten again. Its frustrating and embarrassing. People sometimes laugh or look at me sideways wondering if I am stupid or just playing with them.

Luckily, for me, this is only a minor thing and it doesn't have a big impact on my life, especially since the invention of Sat navs that draw pictures of where you need to go!

However, imagine what that must be like if you are in a classroom and you can't sit still / read / write/ get the numbers to stop floating about so you can add them up even though all the other children can (even though you know you understand the theory and you definitely don't need another slow explanation from the teacher)?

Then the teacher might start to respond like you are doing it on purpose. Maybe she will think you are just being lazy, or you are being needy and this is nothing more than attention seeking. Maybe she'll think your mother never requires you to do something you don't want to, so she needs to teach you it herself. No one, not even you, really gets it that you just can't help it.

I'm not expert, but I have a strong suspicion that this is exactly how it is for many SEN children, particularly those who are undiagnosed or who are in the care of adults who don't understand the diagnosis.

DD is very laid back usually, but she was a bundle of furious rage when she was bored at school - at the start of year 1, funnily enough. She would slam doors, answer back - like some kind of mini teenager. They put some extension work in place, and the behaviours disappeared almost overnight.

that's a great description of the feeling of SEN children var123. I've read (googling "stealth dyslexia) that any child with such a high verbal ability (top 1%) who is not reading on their own is very likely to be dyslexic. My son has always been very reluctant to read alone, preferring to listen to us read to him - he loves that. He says he finds it "frustrating". Only now he's reading all the Tom Gates books, because the text is broken up with lots of pictures and doodles. I suppose all the signs are there and I feel disappointed that the school haven't pushed for an assessment. I have now formally asked for a full assessment by an Ed Psy, and waiting for an answer.

I think Deborah Orr sums it up brilliantly here,

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/06/boris-johnson-missed-point-iq

jaws5 - give up on the school. Its just a great way to waste your time that could be better spent arranging the help yourself

I know you're right, but I have a meeting with Head tomorrow and wants to see what happens... I might get lucky!

Well good luck. I wouldn't suspend looking for a solution myself though if the school agree to help. Some parallel running of options might be a good idea.

WRT to your OP (viz "PITA mum"), more usually this is called "pushy mum". However, its just one of the things that schools do to defend themselves against being asked to genuinely help.

It is surprisingly effective. There are a few arrogant people around who think that the rest of the world is there for their benefit and really couldn't care less about how much they put others out, Its extremely unlikely though that 99% of these people are parents of SEN or more able children, yet many teachers seem to see a direct correlation.

Most of us just want our children to get what they need, and what we would like for ourselves is to be able to drop them at the school gates at 8:45, pick them up at 3:15pm and not have to think about our children's education again except maybe arrange a few extra curricular activities, pay for school trips and help a little with homework. When there is a problem, it would be fantastic if the school would identify it and resolve it without our intervention. But if they don't, then we need to speak for our children.

Anyone who sees a parent in that position and thinks a better response is to call them pushy instead of listening to what they have to say and trying to find a solution together shoudl be ashamed of themselves. However, unfortunately, it is all too common. Still its their problem if they can't be more professional, not yours.

So right var123. I'll update after the meeting as it might be of interest!

A word of caution re the Ed Psych.... my DS was seen by several via school and none actually got the plot. One in particular was very hostile. She thought he might have Aspergers so I ended up paying to see a Clinical Psych who dismissed this suggestion. When I showed her the test results, she was very dismissive and even said that there was no significance in the massive 60 percentile discrepency between IQ and spelling because the spelling was in the average range, albeit at the very bottom of average. DS has a very spiky profile with scores all over the place, from 6th up to 99.5th percentiles with everything inbetween. "Very misunderstood children" is something that rings true for me. Interventions at school tend to kick in if you are 2 years behind average rather than 2 years behind potential. A very bright student predicted Cs is sadly not going to be on anybody's radar. Another analogy for me was DS's SATs results: Level 3 in Writing and Level 5 in Reading which when added together made a wonderfully average Level 4. On a positive note, DS started secondary in bottom sets but worked his way up to top but I suspect there are many bright dyslexic students in the wrong sets.

Oh, no! that sounds a bit worrying, not what I'd like to hear... I will speak to Head anyway, but a thorough assessment by a private practitioner might be the conclusion... I will also try to find the list of my LEA Ed Psychologists. I have to say that the paediatrician who first assessed my son seemed to recognize the main issues straight away, so there is some hope...

Thanks for posting the Guardian article. This is my DS. He is one who would fail the 11+. He can't do Maths, can't do a jigsaw, doesn't know left from right yet is top 99.5% in other areas. My current aim is trying to reign him in and get him to conform to what's needed to pass his GCSEs. I am failing dreadfully when he tells me that in his (badly spelt) English controlled assessment, he laid several traps that his English teacher fell into!!!

Yes, it's a great article, just spot on! It is a very misunderstood area, and it's very unfair on the kids. If you can get him through his GCSEs then he'll be able to do what he really wants after...

Too true... I have read that kids like this can do the hard stuff but not the easy stuff. We are up against it though.... looking at the History paper today I see that the big 10 mark question also has 6 SPaG marks attached which will make it a 16 mark question. The student with superior historial knowledge could well get a lower mark than the student with less knowledge but better grammar and spelling. It's also possible to write something brilliant that doesn't tick all the right boxes on the mark scheme. We'll get there in the end!

Yes, box ticking is a big hurdle for this type of kids but they're usually brilliant after that, A level and mainly university, that's where original thinkers really shine and nobody cares about the details that make GCSE exams so prescriptive.... plus they'll be concentrating on subjects they're passionate about.

Just re-read your original post. Very similar story to mine. It will certainly help you to have an assessment done but school may not take any notice (mine didn't). There will be children who are more behind and so qualify for the help. Touch typing would a good skill to investigate. I tried private dyslexia lessons but DS wouldn't engage so we stopped. Secondary school has been much much better. DS is in the G&T group and goes on special trips to debates and plays etc. He is a student councillor. The individual subject teachers recognise his ability although as his writing is still poor, some of them underestimate him but most don't - his Phil & Ethics teacher loved him (and he loved her). He's able to use a laptop and will use one for his exams and get extra time. Gradually his grade predictions are creeping slowly up. He has an amazing memory. He now needs to conform to exam technique, scrape a C for Maths and he'll be off!

UPDATE: Headteacher categorically refused to have him assessed my an Ed Psy. and added that a private assessment wouldn't be taken seriously by the school. His reasons are:

1. He is meeting national expectations and will finish primary school at L5s.
2. It is a big school with many children who really need help as they have serious problems and resources are scarce.
3. He needs to take responsibility for his own learning.
4. He is getting a weekly session to help with his dyslexia (we will finally be able to speak to the teacher who helps him).
5. He doesn't qualify for G&T as he's not top of the class.
6. Private assessment wouldn't be acted upon as, in his opinion, educational psychologists only specialise children with serious SENs and have their own agenda when it comes to testing other kids.
7. He doesn't qualify for the G&T science group as his classroom workbooks are not good enough.
8. He doesn't qualify for the G&T art group as he is mainly as drawer, not a painter.

I feel deflated.

Your Headmaster is a prat. I would press ahead and get an assessment, then at least you will understand his needs, and can do what you can from home, or with support from outside school . Generally secondary schools are better though in a state school you will still come up against the rationing of resources issue. We had this exact situation at my DDs private Prep, even down to the fact that other less able pupils merited the SEN resources more than my DD, but she surprised them by getting into a very selective private secondary who recognised her ability and talents (creativity, empathy, emotional intelligence)

It has been a long slog supporting my DD to organise herself and keep her enthusiasm up, but she amazed the DSA (Disabled Students Allowance) Assessor, he had not known a student with such profound problems, Working Memory, Processing and Writing all in the bottom 10% of the population, Reasoning in the top 2%, get such good results, A*AA in Philosophy History and English, or be going on to read English on one of the most highly rated courses in the country at university. It has been hard work but they can achieve their potential.

FFS. Are there other schools?

I think the HT is not only a prat but deeply unprofessional re not considering a private assessment. What he's actually saying is that he knows better than a professoonal Ed Psych. And you can argue and argue but he will clearly never, ever be told and if you can get out in any way, I would.

Tender sadly it is all too common, especially the "Ed Psychs hand out labels " claim. It is ignorant but my neices friends got just one two hour lecture on Specific Learning Difficulties in their Teacher Training , and then you depend on the schools paying for any additional training so this assumption that only the less able have learning difficulties deserving of support is very common. I do know parents who have managed to persuade Headteachers to gain a better understanding and even set strategies to make their schools Dyslexia friendly but sadly this Head is representative of a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding in the profession generally.

I even had a teacher tell me, because with intensive intervention my DDs spelling is just about average, that she was "cured"

Sorry if this is too prescriptive but I don't have time to write more:-

1. Get the ed psych report done yourself. It will be invaluable to know what you are dealing with. It might be very expensive but it will be money well spent.
2. Find a new school with a better G&T policy and a willingness to understand SEN
3. Get yourself into the mindset of having to teach him yourself at home (in addition to what he gets at school), as school alone will never be the complete answer for children like ours
4. Don't give any head space to that HT. he wrong, unprofessional, irresponsible and yes, a grade A prat.

Thank you so much for your lovely responses and support. Yes, I feel fortunate that my son doesn't have more serious problems, but he is still part of the "every child counts" mantra they deliver at every opportunity. As longs as he meets his targets and doesn't affect the school's place in the league tables, they really don't give a damn. I suppose the HT is just doing his job in dishing out official policy and resources. I was trying to explain how there's something clearly stopping my son from achieving as he should, but he would just repeat points 1 and 2 over and over. So he is not G&T because he's not good enough in class... I've heard it all now.

Thanks all for your time and advice!