Other parents

[Hamstar19]

Thank goodness I have finally found you! From the day she was born there was clearly something special about my DD1 everyone commented on how alert she was,

Anyone whose had the pleasure of a chat with her knows she is a very clever little girl but describing her to someone who doesn't know her I get looks as though I'm a deluded over ambitious mum.

I constantly hit brick walls because apparently kids who know the alphabets before going to school watch too much TV!?! Even though DD1 could play I spy accurately when she was 2.

Before she started school the teacher told us the only read picture books in the first half term when I told her that my.DD was beyond that and finds them boring she looked at me with that familiar look but by the first parents evening the teacher was telling us that she was miles a head of the other children in her class (but not to say anything to other parents). Her level of understanding was clearly higher than other children in the class nod was working in small groups of children working at a faster pace than the other children.

That was last year and DD1 has continued in this fashion and got an exceptional school report.

Over the year i have been getting to know the other parents and I don't brag although it's been hard sometimes as other parents want to know whether Your kid is struggling with blending sounds like theirs etc. I usually listen and try to say as little as possible about DD1

However, today a parent asked me how DD1 was getting on with school. And I thought I can't lie so told her that she was doing really well and was in the top groups for everything (I didn't say she was significantly better than the rest of the class).

But perhaps "top" was the wrong word as the other parent started telling me the don't stream the kids yet. I tried to clarify what I meant but I got the impression I'd said the wrong thing so just let it go.

I don't want to lie or down play my daughters achievements I'm very proud of her and want her to be proud of her talents too. But I got my first taste of the sort of reaction I can expect from other parents.

How do you all deal with these situations?

Big her up to grandparents?

I don't think ,when people ask how your children are getting in with school, that they are asking about their academic development.

I always assume that they are really asking if they are happy, settled , making friends etc.

So my answer would be that they are enjoying it and love their new teacher and that they are happy that they have been put in the same class as their best friend. That sort of thing.

I have one high flying bright spark and one who struggles academically and needs additional support. I don't see why other parents need to know that though.

Don't need to big her up to her grandparents, her grandmas and aunt are teachers and her biggest fans! It is a safe place to talk about her progress but that's not really what I'm worried about I don't feel the need to brag to other parents just they asked.

usually yes she's doing well and likes her teavher but the question was more louded than that clearly fishing for info on how she is getting on and I made the mistake of biting.

I think you just need not to stress over it, then

You know she's bright. Teacher knows she's bright. So do your family. I'm guessing she does too... Who else needs to know, even if they DO ask?

I've found that other parents frequently ask what reading level DD is on and it makes me feel really awkward. I don't want to lie but telling the truth (she actually finished reading levels ages ago) sounds like a boast. I end up telling the truth but then making random excuses about how she just really likes reading!

(I don't use those words - I just say 'she's a free reader now'. It was actually worse when they were in YR and most children on level 1 or 2, there's no easy way to say '8')

If it's an open question, I'd try to go with the 'oh she loves school, really happy, enjoys reading' etc rather than saying anything about top groups or anything else that could remotely be seen as comparing her to other children.

What's more of a problem is if someone asks very direct, specific questions, e.g. about reading levels or Sats levels. But then if they are going to be nosey and don't like the answer, it is their own fault, I suppose.

I still haven't come up with a satisfactory, British-style, self-deprecating way to respond to people who say "my DC says your DC is really clever", or things along those lines (happens more often than you might expect). I'm not even sure what people expect the response to that sort of thing to be. "Um, yes, she/he is"? "No, he/she isn't"? "Oh, but I'm sure your DC is just as clever/cleverer"? "Yes, I'm a horrible pushy parent who's been hiring tutors for the DCs since the age of two so that's why they are doing well"?

They may be loaded questions ( as an adoptive mother I get loads of these from people who are "interested" in the kids backgrounds!) but you are not obliged to answer them.

I have developed a way of handling these questions without having to give a full answer.

So a quick yes she's doing great and we are really proud of how hard she is working should be enough.

I just do not say anything. If parents ask similar questions I say that dd is behaving better than last year and this is due to routine. Or something similar and pretty general. But nothing else.
And now, when children are older, and they mention at home who is bright, etc., parents sometimes ask me " I have heard your dd is good at ...", my reaction is shy smile and "yes, she is...". I do not give any details. I think this is enough for them to know :)

Thing is, yr 1 is very early to be deciding whether kids are ahead, behind, or average.

In ks1 early readers are often streets ahead, because they can access information. As the later readers progress they can catch up and even overtake. Especially as some gifted children are used to finding things easy, and struggle when they need to start working.

Did the teacher really tell you not to tell other parents she was ahead? Teachers shouldn't be making comparisons to other children.

When people comment on my dd, I reply on the lines of "oh yes, she's doing really well, enjoying herself and working hard. Time will tell though".

I must be very scary because almost no one asks me these questions. Although I never have a clue what reading level or colour they're on, so that's easy to answer.

No, I tell a lie, one mum did pester, on y7 induction evening (she hadn't seen DD in years). Just kept asking "But is she bright ?" And I hate that word because it's meaningless. So I muttered something vague about "yes she does well at school." Like who the F cares that much about how well other children are doing academically?

One day my daughter could easily bring home the most creepy boyfriend or get nicked for shoplifting or end up with a Drunk&Disorderly charge. Them being good at school early on really doesn't save us parents from lots of other problems.

Just say "i think she's doing really well, thanks" and change the subject.

Btw, talking about levels, etc, not all parents know and understand this information. Therefore when asked I do not see a problem to answer "I do not know".
However I would answer, but nobody asked yet :))

My youngest is top of the class, and I have had Mums saying, " My DC says your DC is the cleverest in the class."

I tend to just shrug and say, "Oh it's quite a clever class isn't it? There are loads of clever ones".
No one seems to be particularly competitive though, (okay, maybe one Mum did check out his reading book on a play date). It is nice to have the luxury of rising above it.
FWIW, I was streets ahead in primary school, pretty average in University though.

What does top of the class actually mean?

I suppose "top of the class" is a pretty old fashioned term, (my excuse is that I am 50). Basically my son, and another little boy, mostly do different work from the other kids, in both numeracy and literacy. They quite often go in to year 5 to work with them, (they are year 4). They both got year 5 levels for their SATS at the end of year 3. To be honest I am really glad there are two of them; they have each other to spark off and compete a bit with.

Thanks everyone. It's been really helpful to write this all down and read responses from people who have been there. I guess I'm just the idiot who said to much! I'll learn! And this thread has really helped. Obviously she didn't get her brains from me!

The teacher told us that our DD1 had a higher level of understanding I think she was suggesting DD1 may have a high IQ. That wasn't based on her reading or maths skills alone but her ability to remember things after reading or being told them once. She is very articulate her verbal language skills are Years ahead of her physical age. She has very good comprehension.

Teacher was genuinely excited by having my daughter in her class. I just hope that her new teacher is equally enthusiastic

Btw, talking about levels, etc, not all parents know and understand this information.

One of the most braggy mums I know gets levels and sub levels mixed up so will say things like 'The teacher said that DS is top of the class and is going to be doing level 4 work because he got 2c in his SATs' I just smile and nod.

"From the day she was born there was clearly something special about my DD"

Apart from that stupid comment....my DS was offered the chance to skip a year. I didn't think anyone knew but the wife of a governor informed all her friends!

Since then I've tried hard to avoid conversations about my DC's academic levels. It isnt easy when they come up to you telling you their DC's levels and asking you your DC's levels. Or they look at the teachers notes at parents evening and 'accidentally' see your child's levels (yes that really happened)

Ds could recognise the letters (all of them), knew all of the primary colours and count to 10 at the age of 1, and I could have 12 word conversations with him at this age. He started school at 4 and could already read Roald Dahl books and do basic addition and subtraction. Kids tell their parents who the 'bright' kid is, and it doesn't go down well IME. Other parents do get jealous, or they think you're a tiger mum who forces her child to study for every waking hour. The party invites stop after a while, and the play dates tail off too until you're left with the other parents who want your child to spend time with theirs so yours can teach them stuff.

I wouldn't say anything, just that she's 'plodding along' and quickly change the subject.

I think generally parents of PFB's tend to be more concerned about their own children's academic performance and how they manage compared to the rest of the class. With a little experience under their belt,parents often realise that all children shine in their own way - be it academically or creatively or personality and one area isn't more important then another. I also agree that when a parent asks how your child is, they don't mean academically. They probably mean is she happy? If people are more direct and ask about academic performance thats generally an inappropriate question and demands a vague answer. You are best giving a plus and a minus 'oh she enjoys the reading but struggles with xxx'. Then change the subject 'did you read xx in the letter home yesterday? As a parent of older kids, I'm past all that and feel that parents tend to rout for each others children because they are genuinely nice children

Or the other way to respond when asked about levels is' I don't know, I keep meaning to ask the teacher'

Or answer with a joke 'if I see another biff and chip book, I'll burn it as they are driving me insane'

As people have said it's best to be vague and deflect a bit. When people asked me how ds was doing I always focused on his happiness and general wellbeing. If people pushed a bit further about the academic side I'd say yeah he is doing well and he told me your ds did a really great xxx the other day.
There is so much more to life than academic achievement and I say this as a mum of a g and t child. The brightest child I know has parents who are very proud that he was streets ahead but the poor boy had very few friends and was really quite unpleasant because they hadn't valued social skills so didn't help him in this area. So while I wouldn't play down my child's academic success I would focus on the whole child as much as possible.

How old is your dc OP?