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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

Original poster

Other parents

61 replies

Hamstar19 · 27/09/2014 18:34

Thank goodness I have finally found you! From the day she was born there was clearly something special about my DD1 everyone commented on how alert she was,

Anyone whose had the pleasure of a chat with her knows she is a very clever little girl but describing her to someone who doesn't know her I get looks as though I'm a deluded over ambitious mum.

I constantly hit brick walls because apparently kids who know the alphabets before going to school watch too much TV!?! Even though DD1 could play I spy accurately when she was 2.

Before she started school the teacher told us the only read picture books in the first half term when I told her that my.DD was beyond that and finds them boring she looked at me with that familiar look but by the first parents evening the teacher was telling us that she was miles a head of the other children in her class (but not to say anything to other parents). Her level of understanding was clearly higher than other children in the class nod was working in small groups of children working at a faster pace than the other children.

That was last year and DD1 has continued in this fashion and got an exceptional school report.

Over the year i have been getting to know the other parents and I don't brag although it's been hard sometimes as other parents want to know whether Your kid is struggling with blending sounds like theirs etc. I usually listen and try to say as little as possible about DD1

However, today a parent asked me how DD1 was getting on with school. And I thought I can't lie so told her that she was doing really well and was in the top groups for everything (I didn't say she was significantly better than the rest of the class).

But perhaps "top" was the wrong word as the other parent started telling me the don't stream the kids yet. I tried to clarify what I meant but I got the impression I'd said the wrong thing so just let it go.

I don't want to lie or down play my daughters achievements I'm very proud of her and want her to be proud of her talents too. But I got my first taste of the sort of reaction I can expect from other parents.

How do you all deal with these situations?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 28/09/2014 07:02

My niece is very advanced. I can't honestly tell you of a single conversation with my sibling about HOW smart she is, just "she loves Dora" etc. Mum and I talked about it from time to time but as a curiosity, not a brag.

If you're talking to a parent that's worried about their kid, they'll read into whatever you say/don't say.

If you're talking to a parent with a kid that's also smart (or they think is) you'll never be AS smart.

A nice secure parent wouldn't ask.

So say whatever you like! I'd probably say "I don't like the idea of making it competitive. As long as my kid is happy, healthy and on target, that's all I need".

Mutley77 · 28/09/2014 07:12

Yep just downplay it. My DC1 has always been way ahead and initially she was in a school where there were another group of kids not too far behind her so it wasn't a massive deal (although I always got the "wow isn't your DD amazing?" when other mums had been in to read with the class - and I obviously said "yes she is!" but meaning she is amazing, not she is amazing for being able to read well...)

I didn't think my DC2 was particularly ahead but he has also turned out to be ahead at school and I had a comment from a parent the other day "I hear your DC is a child Einstein" so I just said, "Oh is he? I didn't realise, who told you that?" If I am asked about reading levels or anything I just say I don't know - as tbh I don't really give a toss and don't understand what order the colours go in anyway Grin - Sorry i know that might be a bit trite to people who are really worried about progress but I luckily don't have those concerns with my DC. Believe me they keep me on my toes in other ways though so I just focus more on those, e.g. making sure they are fit and active, my oldest is currently having friendship issues etc.

I think it only really seems like you are bragging if you are actually bothered about it - if you are vague or matter of fact you aren't showing off and unless people have a chip on their own shoulder, they won't be bothered.... And even if you get asked direct questions you don't have to answer, e.g. "Is your DD having trouble with blending?" - "Oh I don't think so, I don't really practice at home, I must check that out...."

My DC3 is also streets ahead of others - because she is also big her nursery key worker had assumed she was nearly 2 rather than 14 months and was astounded at her speech etc when she checked her file - but so bloody what - they all have their strengths and weaknesses!!!! When they are adults it won't necessarily be the quick learners who are doing best in life - other qualities are way more important in life particularly IMO resilience, determination, co-operation, etc etc.

MagratsHair · 28/09/2014 07:19

I'm just very vague about it tbh as I don't want the other parent to think I'm being superior or am saying that my child is better than theirs. When asked about reading levels I tell them he's a free reader and just don't mention how many years he has been one Smile . Maths is more difficult as the parents can come over and say did MagratsDS really get 100% on the maths test last week, which is specific and therefore hard to be vague about. I usually use some guff about a lucky week and laugh it off. DS is also teaching his friends to play chess which I deal with by saying he just loves chess.

Just be vague and try not to hurt anyone's feelings. DS2 is in year 1 and the teacher said last year that his maths is exceptional already but when parents ask me how he's doing I tell them he's settled in and likes his teacher and has made friends. Don't boast.

tumbletumble · 28/09/2014 07:26

On his first day in reception, my DS's teacher (an experienced teacher - the deputy head in fact) described his reading as 'phenomenal'. Obviously I didn't tell anyone else (except DH, grandparents etc). Sometimes other parents have said things to me, and like other posters I use the phrase 'yes, he's doing well, I'm really pleased'.

NameChangeJustCause · 28/09/2014 07:29

N/C 'cause this would probably out me. I'm really not trying to be mean with my post, just matter of fact.

I find it's only children of "normal" or "average" parents who get caught up in how smart their kids are compared to others. I say this as someone who is from a "gifted" family.

I read your OP and I did roll my eyes. I'm sure your child is wonderful, but you're getting caught up in the minutia of her life and brains. "could play I spy when she was 2". Okay, great, why do you remember that? Why does that matter?

She doesn't need you to obsess about every smart thing she does. Instead of asking how to support HER in how SHE is treated, you're asking about how to soften the blow for other parents with less special children. Depending on her smarts she could go off the rails, she could struggle to make friends, be picked on, all manner of other things. You need to support her in that. Encourage her without pressuring her.

You already sound obsessed with checking how far advanced she is. "Top of the class" shows that's exactly what you've been thinking, that's why the parent reacted. You essentially said "compared to the other kids she's Einstein". Your OP sounds really arrogant (see quotes below). It's quite easy to see why people roll their eyes at you.

" From the day she was born there was clearly something special about my DD1".

"Anyone whose had the pleasure of a chat with her knows she is a very clever little girl"

"DD1 could play I spy accurately when she was 2"

"so told her that she was doing really well and was in the top groups for everything (I didn't say she was significantly better than the rest of the class)"

"I don't want to lie or down play my daughters achievements I'm very proud of her and want her to be proud of her talents too."

You're not proud, you're bragging, there's a difference. You're already bleating about how fabulous your daughter is. If you're not careful she'll end up having not being invited to parties because their parents won't want to deal with you.

cedricsneer · 28/09/2014 07:51

I totally agree with the post above. Op work on helping her with her social skills and general wellbeing. You are far too focused on her achievements - lots of kids can do these things. My ds is top of all his groups and has had special extension tasks throughout his primary years - he is in yr4 and not a single other parent knows. It is so easy not to mention these things if you don't want to.

tumbletumble · 28/09/2014 08:07

Cedric, I agree you don't need to mention it, but don't you find that other kids in the class are aware of it and tell their parents?

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 08:07

I have found that the most beneficial thing to gifted children is laid back parents. People are far too polite and always think they have to answer questions- there is really no need to - just say 'we are very happy with her progress' or similar'.
All children tend to be bright in some areas- my son knew the makes of all cars aged 2 yrs and would call them out as we passed them- I thought it clever, but not worth a mention.

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 08:08

Why would other children think it worth mentioning to parents?

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 08:09

OP obviously has a bright child- but there are lots of others, equally bright out there!

thewrongmans · 28/09/2014 08:10

Good post namechange. I get the idea from the OP that her child is still very young. I am confused as to why her child would be bored though? It is perhaps a sign that she is not so advanced if she has no imagination.

notnowbernard · 28/09/2014 08:13

Slipping slightly into OP-bashing territory....

Think she'll read the thread and get the hint, yes?

Lasttimebaby · 28/09/2014 08:15

Tbh the majority of children all catch up by secondary school anyway. My ds was in a class with a girl who scored top of her class in everything in primary school. She was so far advanced in her reading than all the others. My ds always had to work a bit and has actually done better in the gcse than her because she needs to work a bit now. It all evens out in the end for most children (obviously there are exceptions ). My niece appears to be a highly gifted reader. I nearly fell of the chair the other day when she picked up my book and started reading it. She is only 6. My children were reading words at that stage. I looked at my sister with a wtf expression. She just shrugged and said my niece and another little girl are taken out of the class now for extra reading everyday as they are so far ahead. She downplayed it though as her other dd is 3 years older and no where as advanced at reading as the 6 year old.

tumbletumble · 28/09/2014 08:16

Delphinium, I'm not sure why, but my experience is that they do.

cedricsneer · 28/09/2014 08:18

No, really not. I suspect it is because the school is really inclusive, extension tasks are handed out discreetly and all the children are valued equally. So the kids do not place an over-importance on academic achievement.

I also think it would be really gauche of another parent to quiz me on ds ability. And equally so for me not to gloss over it, as mentioned up thread, if someone was fishing.

The only reason this needs to become an issue is if the op is secretly quite enjoying it being an issue and being faux-coy about the whole thing. I am not suggesting this is the case, but it really would be very easy not to say that dd is in all the top groups...

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 08:26

If the school handles it well there is no need for the other children to be aware. It seems to parents who are obsessed with reading levels- children are not!

BogStandardOldWoman · 28/09/2014 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrieAndChilli · 28/09/2014 08:37

I jus tend to comment on the things he's behind at as I feel really uncomfortable bragging about ds1. Although I do to my proper friends as they are genuinely happy that he does so well.
To be honest I would rather have an average in every way child like dd (although she is fairly bright just not genius bright) then an extremely intelligent child like ds1 but who has a lack of social skills, toiletingproblems and hyper mobility and weak muscle tone and poor fine motor skills. Yes he could read a novel, do simple sums and tell you every fact about space you never knew you didn't know at age 3 but there are in my opinion far more important life skills and I worry about how he will do in 'real life' as an adult. He is borderline aspergers and the only thing that has stopped him being totally socially isolated it the fact that all his classmates find him amazing and like to chat with him and ask for his help etc.

tumbletumble · 28/09/2014 08:39

At reception age they're not aware, but as they get older I find they all know who's in the top group.

Cedric, that school sounds great. Your DC are lucky!

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 09:02

True- but not in reception.
And when they are older the parents are more laid back- they are at their worst from birth to about 8yrs!
It is surprising how many think that they have a reception child that a school can't cope with! It never seems to cross their minds that a reception teacher loves having a bright child!

TeracottaTurtle · 28/09/2014 10:05

Oh dear. Tbh op you sound unbearable.

I've no doubt you have a bright little girl. As do many.

Just focus on her instead of competing with the other parents.

LadySybilLikesCake · 28/09/2014 10:43

The other children do go home and tell their mum that 'X is reading XXX book' etc. Ds's school was pushy, as were the parents (and one particular child who'd yell outside "I can do XYZ better then Ds").

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 12:37

I wouldn't want mine at a school like that! MN was a revelation to me that women are so bothered they sneak a look in book bags!

SavoyCabbage · 28/09/2014 12:43

You say
"She's looking forward to the school play/disco/trip" or "she's really happy. What about bobby?"

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/09/2014 12:56

Other kids do tell their parents who the bright kids are though, and often pushy, competitive parents are among the ones who help out in school just to keep an eye on how everyone is doing.

I think it is unesscessarily alarmist to suggest that party invitations and play dates will dry up if your kid is bright though. All four of mine have done really well in primary, and it hasn't impacted their friendships at all. I do teach my kids that everyone has their own skills though, whether it's football or telling jokes or being kind or whatever. I would hate for them to feel all superior.