Other parents

[Hamstar19]

Thank goodness I have finally found you! From the day she was born there was clearly something special about my DD1 everyone commented on how alert she was,

Anyone whose had the pleasure of a chat with her knows she is a very clever little girl but describing her to someone who doesn't know her I get looks as though I'm a deluded over ambitious mum.

I constantly hit brick walls because apparently kids who know the alphabets before going to school watch too much TV!?! Even though DD1 could play I spy accurately when she was 2.

Before she started school the teacher told us the only read picture books in the first half term when I told her that my.DD was beyond that and finds them boring she looked at me with that familiar look but by the first parents evening the teacher was telling us that she was miles a head of the other children in her class (but not to say anything to other parents). Her level of understanding was clearly higher than other children in the class nod was working in small groups of children working at a faster pace than the other children.

That was last year and DD1 has continued in this fashion and got an exceptional school report.

Over the year i have been getting to know the other parents and I don't brag although it's been hard sometimes as other parents want to know whether Your kid is struggling with blending sounds like theirs etc. I usually listen and try to say as little as possible about DD1

However, today a parent asked me how DD1 was getting on with school. And I thought I can't lie so told her that she was doing really well and was in the top groups for everything (I didn't say she was significantly better than the rest of the class).

But perhaps "top" was the wrong word as the other parent started telling me the don't stream the kids yet. I tried to clarify what I meant but I got the impression I'd said the wrong thing so just let it go.

I don't want to lie or down play my daughters achievements I'm very proud of her and want her to be proud of her talents too. But I got my first taste of the sort of reaction I can expect from other parents.

How do you all deal with these situations?

I don't think it's as hard to deal with this stuff as is suggested. It helps to be factual and to the point - if someone asks you how your DC is doing or what level their reading is.i I would tell them - there's nothing shameful about doing well. What you don't need to do is add in tons of detail about how very well they are doing - that's how it gets uncomfortable.

Sorry but how rude to say something I wrote is stupid.

1. you don't know my daughter and weren't there when she was born so how do you know how true what I wrote is?!

2. it's my opinion and a expression of how long I have been dealing with this on my own. My OH and I have found it extremely difficult as DD1 meet all her development mile stones months earlier than other babies and when people ask you if your baby can roll over when they are already cruising the furniture it's been hard to be proud of her and yet don't sound baggy.

My response has always been that it's not the learning early that counts, most kids learn to walk/talk/read in their own time.

My daughters best friend is not partically academically gifted (as far as we know yet) but she is very good at sports and Art, the only two areas in which my DD is "as expected for her age" I always point out that my DD could walk early but that did nothing for her sporting ability!
She doesn't go to DDs school and i can talk to her mum about my DDs achievements as she knows her well and down playing her achievements wouldn't wash. Similarly we like like to celebrate DDs friends achievement no matter whether it's doing well at sport or doing well at her phonics. I wish we could be like that with all DDs friends and their families.

All the kids in my DD like her she's clever and knows it but never uses it against others in the class she likes to help other out (I do worry she is sometimes rakes the role of teacherwith others in her "ability" group). The other kids say she is kind so I'm not too worried about that just yet.

Tbh Hamstar you're just coming across as precious and possibly deluded.

Seriously...you knew a newborn was 'special' because she was alert? We all think our newborns are special but having an alert baby does not a genius make.

Nor does meeting physical milestones early, such as walking, indicate future greatness. It's just one of those things. I have one ds who is recognised as gifted who didn't crawl at all. He was stationary until he walked at 11 months, completely unremarkable physically.

OTOH ds2 who is very bright, but not gifted the way ds1 is - was able to walk with me, unaided, to the local shop (half a mile) and back, at 8 months. It was the most bizarre slightly creepy thing I have ever seen, to see this tiny baby walking around like an 18 month old.

It's no indicator. At all.

Someone said up thread that its only the insecure and jealous parents who care so much and pry.

I would add that the insecure and jealous ones iften fall over themselves to point out all the negatives, offer doom-laden predictions of future friendlessness and make downright rude and personal comments to you.

Try to ignore all of them and just concentrate on making sure your child has the appropriate support and is in the right school.

You won't see these petty nosy people after year 7 so keep your energy for your clever little girl, exposé her to as many experiences as you can and enjoy her company.

I think you sound thoughtful and worried and some of the comments you've had are unkind; with a clever child you'll need to get use to it. For some reason it brings out the worst in certain types of parent.

FGS, both my older two are on the T&G list, but neither of them knows about it. Yes, I have had one mum quizzing me about my eldest because her son said something to her. My response was to say something along the lines of "well it is a bright class" and change the subject.

"Anyone who has had the pleasure of having a conversation with her" just says everything anyone needs to know. You are bragging, which is unpleasant and unattractive to other parents.

You are not doing her any favours at all as she will be left out by parents who find you a bore, and who can blame them? Stop going on about how bright your DD is and try talking about something else instead.

I am sorry if I sound terribly harsh but you need to get a grip frankly.

I have a v bright dd - v like yours. I just used broad brush statements & brought her up to be proud of her achievements & be aware of others. However ds2 works very hard & has a boy in his class who is clearly gifted but a terrible show off. He is now starting to lose friends.
Also please teach her to work hard as in the end all the evidence shows this makes the biggest difference.

Totally agree goshhhhhh. My ds was been on the gifted list at primary, and we have been at times told that he is very able, for example one of his primary teachers said he was doing secondary school level work when he was seven or eight, and he was one of two children in his school to attend district wide extension sessions. He is very verbally able but also has SEN, and couldn't read properly until he was eight. When he is interested in something he is highly curious, but he doesn't work very hard if his imagination isn't caught by it. It's only this year that he has realised that he also needs to apply himself (he is 15 and university is starting to interest him).

My dd is bright but not I think gifted (in that her mind doesn't make the same deductive leaps that ds does). However she works very hard and consistently performs very well. She is always at the top of the class (except for PE) and if she doesn't get an A she gets very stressed indeed (which is actually quite worrying at times). Last year she was one of a handful who were recognized as consistently getting the highest marks in her year. I think her work ethic will probably get her further than ds, unless he finds something that really really interests him, when he may well be exceptional.

To answer the OP, as a working mum I don't really get asked this sort of question much except by friends, as I usually only got to do one pick up a week. I'd just say that dd loved school and her teachers, and then provide some rather more interesting anecdote about ds.

Oh and I could read fluently when I started school but aside from giving me a love of books am not sure the advantages have been massive.

I should just relax more OP and enjoy your child as she is. She appears to be very bright - but so are lots of others at that age. Some are much slower but come into their own later. My brother was very slow at 5yrs- but he was a high flyer at 13 yrs. Life is not a race. Just support her and save all reports about her cleverness for grandparents, who will be thrilled- just be vague with everyone else.

Great to hear about your brother delphinium. I feel that will be my ds if I can get him to survive primary & competitiveness intact. ( I don't notice this with secondary nearly as much)

The competitiveness tails off as they get older- the children get embarrassed.

I'm not sure whether early walking is a sign of intelligence (I thought it was completely unrelated, but happy to be proved wrong). However, a toddler who, for example, takes a couple of hours to figure out how to unpick cupboard locks would be showing signs of early intelligence IMHO.

I don't think I've seen much evidence yet that it all evens out in the end either. Some children burn bright at the beginning and then slowly fade to the middle, and a few catch up and overtake, but the vast majority of bright children stay bright.

The thing to worry about as a parent, from my point of view, is that the child defines themselves by their cleverness and fails to learn the habit of putting effort in. Also friendships can be challenging,