Ebbie22 - forgot about school hols! The week after is a bit of an unknown because I go onto a different chemo regimen the Friday before so i've no idea how that's going to affect me. Shall we say the Thursday though, so hopefully I might be more myself by then? That's the 22nd.
As to my story. Well I had found a lump just before Xmas and had it biopsied within the week and was told on 23rd December it was cancer. Christmas was tough, especially with 11 people in the house! I had a lumpectomy on 4th January which showed that it was a bit bigger than expected, but also there were 3 / 5 lymph nodes involved. Because my mammogram hadn't shown some of the stuff they found in my lumpectomy I decided to opt for a full mastectomy, because I can't face going through this again or having the fear of it hanging over me. So on 15th Feb I had that, and it showed that there were more cancerous bits in the affected breast, and also a further two nodes were affected (totalling 5 / 17 in the end). Mine is also an aggressive cancer which is HER2+, but apparently 60% of younger womens' cancers are. I'm only 37.
On 5th March, I started chemo. I have to have 8 rounds of it, every fortnight until June, then a month of radiotherapy and then Tamoxifen and a year of Herceptin treatment.
In emotional terms, I would say that personally the worst times were in the days immediately after finding the lump to diagnosis were the worst. I instinctively knew from the moment I found it what was wrong and I went to bits but once I had been told what it was I was OK for some reason. This maybe because i thought it was a reappearance of malignant skin cancer that I had years ago which is far less treatable than breast cancer so this seemed like a better option.
What I did hate was waking each morning and having a moment of peace before the realisation hit me, WHAM! each day it was like being told for the first time all over again. For some reason though that just disappeared after I had my lumpectomy and I have been at a certain level of acceptance with it ever since.
I have got myself counselling though to help me through it - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I paid for it myself though because it takes so long on the NHS and I just wanted to take some action now. It's taught me a lot but mainly what I've found most valuable is that I can't control what is happening to me but I can choose how I react to what is happening to me. So, I can choose to panic and get upset or I can choose to be calm and focused. It sometimes takes a huge effort but it had been incredibly helpful just looking at it in that light.
In terms of what you are experienceing now is a combination of fear and grief. You are scared of what is going on, what is to come and you're also grieving for the time before this nightmare hit. In a nutshell it's this:
Denial - I can?t have cancer; this isn't happening to me
Anger - Why me? I don't deserve to have this disease.
Bargaining - If I am good or if I give up x, then I'll be OK.
Depression - What is the point of carrying on?.
Acceptance - OK, I know I?ve got cancer but I can face it.
You will experience all of these emotions at different times to a greater or lesser extent. You'll go back to these emotions, having already gone through them before on this journey. They're all part of the process. I, for example, am no longer in denial, but I do find myself bargaining, being angry, feeling depressed and also being in total acceptance with it. But I also know that if my situation changes and I learn that I'm in for a harder slog than I'm hoping for then I'll be back to pretty much square one and I'll start the process again. However, my plan is to wait until that actually happens before I waste valuable energy and head space worrying about it.
Brain a bit fried now - chemo means I can't think and type very well so I hope some of this makes sense and helps a bit.
Off to take the car for an MOT. What fun.