Severe incontinence ruining my pregnancy

[violentviolet]

I have suffered from mild to moderate incontinence since having my first child. I leak very often and struggle to get to the toilet in time in the mornings as there are two sets of stairs to negotiate first.

I'm now pregnant again, in my 3rd trimester and the pressure of the baby is making it a lot worse, especially in the mornings.

I bought a urinal as a temporary measure until the baby is here. I told my partner I'd bought one "just in case" as "my bladder isn't too good when pg" but I feel too embarassed to use it in the bedroom in the mornings, and this morning I woke up with such a dire need to go I barely made it down the stairs before I just had to use it and I'm sure he heard me using it.

I'm so embarassed, I feel like it's an elderly person's condition and he won't want a sex life with me if he knows the extent of how bad it is. How on earth can I cope with this for the next couple of months? it's just going to get worse and worse, I feel so depressed and humiliated.

You must talk to your MW/GP about this, and possibly to an ob/gyn. You don't want long-term incontinence and there are things that you can do to prevent irreversible damage.

Thanks, I did speak to my GP shortly before I got pg, she gave me some tablets but the packet said they could cause depression and suicidal thoughts. I was already going through a bad patch and I was scared to take them, then two or three weeks later I got my bfp so thought I couldn't take them.

I think the next birth is going to mess me up down there for life. I already have a mild prolapse from all the pushing which my GP didn't take seriously when she examined me.

Do you have a MW or just a GP? It doesn't sound to me as if your GP is very sympathetic. It sounds to me as if you need a referral to an ob/gyn before the birth - if the pushing is really going to mess you up, better to have a C-section.

Are you having a hospital birth? If you think that the ante-natal care you are currently receiving isn't meeting your needs, you need to work on your MW to get you referred to an ob/gyn at the hospital you will be giving birth at now.

Please insist on this! For your future comfort and sexual wellbeing. Incontinence/prolapse is awful and lots can be done to avoid it.

You need better advice than your GP is giving you. I'm sure there must be specific threads on here about this problem and posters there will have suggestions about websites and organisations that could be much more helpful.

I don't have the same issue exactly but I have a history of bowel disease (to cut a long story short) so I can sympathise with your embarrassment at your own toilet habits and how this looks to other people and your partner. Having said that, you have to remember that everyone needs to do it! Bowel or bladder related problems are the worst to have in terms of social embarrassment but hey, we're all human. You're the mother of his child(ren), he can surely cope with your bodily functions. Have you talked to him at all about it?

Has anyone suggested a C-section?

Can you see a different GP? Or speak to the midwife about getting a referral?

You can manage and improve this situation, you really can. You will need help from health care providers though -- and if that GP was no use, you may have to kick up a bit in order to get the help you need. Speak to anyone and everyone you think may be able to help you. It is so common, this issue, nobody will judge you about it.

Good luck And, how understanding is your DP will he take it on board if you simply tell him up front that you are concerned about this, and therefore you intend to get it seen to? I understand your desire not to put him off sexually, but tbh that may not be how he reacts at all and it might be a lot easier for you to stay confident if you didn't feel it was a shameful secret you were keeping. And actually, he may be a lot less put off than you think, and may be able to help support you.

Fingers x'd for you

My MW is horrible, can't talk to her about anything, I had an appointment the other day, was going to mention about my bladder issues and my fears about the birth but she just (because her colleagues hadn't been writing in my notes properly so she didn't know who had written anything) and I didn't get to mention anything about the actual pregnancy.

I feel so alone, there isn't even any helplines out there to speak to. I called the main one that is recommended everywhere on the web and they've closed and sold their number to a volkswagen dealership. That was nice and humiliating after I asked if I'd got through to the incontinence foundation and the young girl on the end of the phone laughed. It's all a big joke unless you're going through it.

Sorry that should have read: but she just spent the whole appointment bitching at me in a loud voice because her colleagues hadn't been writing in my notes properly so she didn't know who had written anything, and I didn't get to mention anything about the actual pregnancy.

This is no good at all - you must see another doctor or midwife.

I think, if I were you, that I would ask my best friend to come with me for moral support and I would just turn up at the hospital I was due to give birth in and beg and plead to see a sympathetic ob/gyn there and then.

Or, if I had the money, I would just pay for single private appointment with an ob/gyn from that hospital - if you have a problem, he/she will ensure that you get NHS treatment for your problem.

Thanks, sorry for all x posts.

My partner doesn't know the full extent of the problem I think (hope) But there's been so many times I've had to go and get changed with no explanation, etc. I had to tell him a few weeks back about the urinal in case he found it, as he finds everything. Nobody else knows about it apart from the GP.

It's so hard because dp comes with me to all of my MW appointments, and has to drive me to them etc, so he knows exactly what's happening all the time and I couldn't just slip off to an ob/gyn appointment without him asking questions.

Have you not got a girlfriend (or sister or mother or aunt) who could help you?

I do really understand that you don't want to involve your DH - pregnancy and its complications are woman-stuff, IMVHO.

Can't you speak with him about it?

I hate to think of you feeling shame and hiding the situation when it's preying on your mind. It is precisely because it's so personal and so sensitive that I think you need support from your partner -- but of course that depends on what sort of guy he is (eg supportive generally, or, er, not)

Pregnancy brings all sorts of undignified realities with it and you shouldn't have to bear the burden of worry alone when you've decided to become parents together.

lol at total difference of opinion with Bonsoir

It is up to you of course, OP, I just think that you can perhaps indicate you have an issue without going into huge detail, IYSWIM. Just let him know enough so that if you see an ob/gyn it needn't be a secret. Because that need to keep it secret will make it all the harder to get yourself seen -- and you need to be!

I think you are going to have to tell him. Could you tell him that you think you need to see a specialist because you are concerned abotu your prolapse? You don't have to tell him the extent of the incontinence - just that you are concerned that it might get worse so want to see what can be done now to stop that happening?

Would it make you feel better if you made it sound like you were seeking advice to prevent it getting worse iyswim?

(tbh, I would go and see another GP in your practice and tell them the truth. There are lots of tests they need to do to see why this is happening)

preg and complications are woman stuff?

god, no, absolutely not in this house, dh wanted children as much as i did, so he was interested and sympathetic and impressed by what my body went through.
i feel for you, violet, it sounds really depressing. why is it that you can't tell dh, do you think? he needs to be there on your side when you tell the doc.

Yes you must see another MW and this should not become a problem. Most good MWs acknowledge that personalities can clash and have no problem handing over to a colleague.Even if yours doesnt acknowledge this -tough .Its your pregnancy and you deserve the best care on offer.

In the long term though you might want to try www.kegelexercisesforwomen.com/
to see if you can learn the method to help yourself.

But before that I would ,in your position and understanding exactly about the embarrassment factor, either designate another upper floor room as the 'toilet' or wear pads in bed. Maybe even get up during the night to pee-horrible as that sounds in the cold weather it might be better than the rush first thing.

Aitch - my DP went through two pregnancies with his exW, and he was there for the births etc. He is quite clear in his mind that (1) his presence and involvement were totally unproductive (2) he never felt the same for her again after seeing babies emerge from her nether regions.

Lots of men I know feel this way - they felt pressured into participating in pregnancy and didn't know any better than to leave it up to their MILs and SILs and their partner's female friends.

I don't agree - we're at the very heart of why it is not necessarily a good idea for the OP to involve her DH. If she doesn't feel comfortable doing so (and she says she doesn't in the OP), I really, really wouldn't recommend she tries.

Bonsoir, yeah I know what you mean about "women's problems" that's sortof how I was brought up. My mum passed away so I can't talk to her about it, and my friends are all in their twenties and childless so I can't involve them, they'd be disgusted. There's no-one I could confide in.

It's not that my partner isn't supportive about the pregnancy, but I feel that telling him I wet myself would be the final nail in the coffin for our sex life, which is already pretty crap because of the bump and the prolapse which makes sex too uncomfortable to complete almost every time.

I'm sorry your mother is no longer with you - that's hard.

Do you not have any other (older) female relatives at all that you are close to?

SrStanislaus, yes I should go int the night, unfortunately unless ds wakes up and cries (rare) I never wake in the night. Maybe I should try setting an alarm for 3am or something.

I do need a new midwife, I just don't know how to get one, whenever I ring the antenatal dept she answers! she made my last pregnancy difficult too, I can't stand her.

I just meant that I would hate to see the thread become focussed on an exchange of individual views on whether or not men in general should be involved in pregnancy and its complications.

I just think it is worth the OP gently asking herself whether her embarrassment about telling her DP is absolutely more important than her need for support and for the burden of shame to be lightened a little. Everyone is different.

As I said, it is up to the OP, of course; I just think it's not impossible (judging by her posts so far,; I may well be x-posting now) that her embarrassment might be of the "oh bugger, I'd rather not have to be dealing with this in the first place, but I do actually need his support and I know deep down he will cope" variety.

On the other hand, it may instead be of the "I could never feel OK about telling him, he's not that kind of man and would never look at me the same way" variety in which case, fair enough. But it seems a shame for a woman with any serious health worry to have to keep it a secret out of fear that her partner will lose interest in her.

Bonsoir, no I don't. Well, I do, I have my older sister but I really really really don't want to talk to her about this, we don't talk about this stuff and it would be so embarassing. I'm in my twenties, I can't bear feeling so defective.

it's a really common problem violet,you probably feel really alone at the moment but it's more common than most people realise (look at all the ads for tena etc. on TV!).

As the GP knows about it, can you go back and ask for a referral? Tell him/her it's not getting better and you need some help. There is so much that can be done but you do have to be brave and ask for help.