Severe incontinence ruining my pregnancy

[violentviolet]

I have suffered from mild to moderate incontinence since having my first child. I leak very often and struggle to get to the toilet in time in the mornings as there are two sets of stairs to negotiate first.

I'm now pregnant again, in my 3rd trimester and the pressure of the baby is making it a lot worse, especially in the mornings.

I bought a urinal as a temporary measure until the baby is here. I told my partner I'd bought one "just in case" as "my bladder isn't too good when pg" but I feel too embarassed to use it in the bedroom in the mornings, and this morning I woke up with such a dire need to go I barely made it down the stairs before I just had to use it and I'm sure he heard me using it.

I'm so embarassed, I feel like it's an elderly person's condition and he won't want a sex life with me if he knows the extent of how bad it is. How on earth can I cope with this for the next couple of months? it's just going to get worse and worse, I feel so depressed and humiliated.

... and predictably, loads of xposts. Ah well.

OP, your sex life will absolutely be threatened if you don't get help with this -- so if you feel you cannot face discussing it with your DP, fair enough, but you MUST face the challenge of pushing for adequate healthcare from people who will listen to you.

If that means telling your MW to her face, or by phone, that you feel your care isn't meeting your needs and you have serious worries and need to see another MW ... well, you may just have to do it. But before things get to that stage, is there no other number you can ring? No other avenue you can explore?

I promise you that as much as you might not enjoy the fight for someone to listen to you and it is really bad that you need to fight in the first place you'll be even worse off if you just stay passive. If there's nobody in RL to talk to, at least you can keep posting here for support. Try searching old threads for info too.

Good luck again

Dorothea, yes that's it, I worry he'd never be the same around me again. I mean, I'd never ever engage in any kind of amorous activity without making sure my bladder was completely empty and I was freshly showered and clean, but if I told him about my incontinence, he might start thinking "ugh, I don't want to do anything with her, what if she smells bad, what if she has an accident during sex" or similar. That's what puts me off speaking to him about it mostly.

Dorothea - I think that's a very idealistic viewpoint and that it is possibly wise to exercise a little caution before telling DPs/DHs absolutely every gynaecological detail.

btw, I meant another number to ring about the MW team -- for example we have in our area a number for the hospital, another for community midwives team, etc.

I appreciate everyone giving me advice on this, I really felt like I was at a brick wall.

Bonsoir, that is a slight misrepresentation of what I said. I actually said the opposite, that she needn't tell him every detail.

"I just think that you can perhaps indicate you have an issue without going into huge detail, IYSWIM. Just let him know enough so that if you see an ob/gyn it needn't be a secret. Because that need to keep it secret will make it all the harder to get yourself seen -- and you need to be!"

OK?

Idealistic -- OK, that's your opinion, and that's fine but I have a different view, as does Aitch. And I'm not still pushing the OP to talk to her DP, as per my later post.

Ask for a referral to a continence nurse or gynae. The continence nurse usually can tell if you need to see a gynae Dr. I've had a bladder repair and take Vesicare for continence problems. You have to ask (and push for) the help, it is out there.

In the meantime wear a Tena or similar at night, if you can't hold it in then at least you only have a pad to change.

This is very common you aren't alone, there is no need to be embarassed

This is take from an article in babyworld.

Changing your midwife
[Changing your midwife depends on how you were originally assigned your midwife in the first place.

You may receive all your maternity care from the hospital. In this case, if you have an objection to a particular midwife then raise your problem with the Head of Midwifery Services. He or she will listen to your problem and if they feel it is valid, try to arrange an alternative midwife to carry out your care. This will depend on staffing. However, you may find that hospital care means a different midwife on nearly every visit, so it may be less of a problem.

Shared care between a hospital and GP also tends to mean you will see a number of midwives, at least on your hospital visits. Requesting a different midwife at hospital is done in the same way as above. A different midwife at your GP may be more of a problem as midwives are usually ?assigned? to a practice. You may have to go elsewhere for your care if you don?t want to be treated by a certain midwife.

The final type of care is entirely from a midwife, as part of a team of midwives. In this case you are usually assigned two midwives who carry out nearly all your care, including delivery. You could request to be moved to another team of two if you felt strongly about one midwife. Again, the Health of Midwifery Services will be able to give you guidance.]

Please ask your PCT what is available in your area. If its a fixible problem it would be such a shame not to do anything about it.

Thanks cocolepew, nice to know I'm not alone (even though it's not nice that you suffer too, obviously!) to be honest I think something surgical may eventually need to be done, from everything I've read it seems I have some weird combination of stress and urge incontinence and also I can sneeze and leak literally a minute after going to the loo so it's as if my bladder isn't totally emptying sometimes either.

I do intend to get this sorted, I just want to do it without dp having to know about it in detail. Sorry can't remember who said it, it may have been you Dorothea, but someone mentioned me making out it's all about the prolapse (which I have mentioned to him, because of the pain during sex) and I think that's a good idea. I'm sure he won't mind not accompanying me to appointments about that. Why am I not embarassed about a prolapse, yet full of shame about incontinence in pregnancy?

You seem to have a lot of problems - can you write them in a long list and then perhaps think of solutions?

E.g.

1. Crap midwife : Change midwife;
2. Husband coming to appointments so no privacy = tell him that the next appointment is an exam and you would rather he wasn't there/etc.
3. Morning problems with weeing : Perhaps set vibrating alarm for 3 a.m.?

it was me .

Your dh doesn't have to know all the details now if you are embarrassed and for all you know, your prolapse may be playing a part in this. Sounds like it wasn't properly examined anyway. So blame it on the prolapse, and get it all checked out.

Good luck. And of course, it is so natural to be embarrassed about this and I think what hasn't helped you is that you haven't met any health professionals who have really assisted you yet. I hope you will now as generally, most nurses and doctors are very understanding about these problems and as someone else mentioned, there are even specialist incontinence nurses who can help. It's in everyone's interest to sort these problems out so I hope you find someone who can help you soon.

The GP should refer you to a specialist physio therapist. You do not have to accept incontinence, with the right help something can be down to help you. But unfortunately many GPs may just brush it aside a a woman's problem without helping you find treatment options. And women are often too embarrassed to push for help.

It is not soemthing to be ashamed of, it is not a sign of weakness, it's just something that happens to some women. Even to wome who are otherwise fit and healthy.

You don't have to tell your dh everything, that's up to you.

The repair was a day proceedure, it cured my stress incontinence but it worsened (a tiny bit) my urge incontinence, I was told it might. I take Vesicare daily, it dries up your bladder a bit. I wear a small pad everyday but I'm so much better than before. The op helped my prolapse.

Agree you need REFERRALS

Do all you can for a referral

explain how bad it is

cry like a girl

get a referral

SrStanislaus, I sometimes see a consultant, and sometimes see a midwife. The antenatal dept must be really overstretched or something because every time I go in to talk to a mw they just sort of bark at me and seem too busy to talk. I mentioned needing to talk properly about the last birth and they said I'd have to make another appointment, but when I came in for that subsequent appointment no-one knew what it was about or who I was supposed to speak to so they put me with the same horrible mw again who was too busy again.

The consultant is even worse, I asked to swap but was told I couldn't because the other consultants had no room.

lol, yes I do have a lot of problems. That's what directed pushing does to you.

what part of the country are you in vv? Have you asked if the hospital have an advocacy service?

Can you write down what you need to say before the appointment? Be very specific about exactly how these things are affecting your life,what your symptoms are, how they decrease your quality of life. and say you want to be listened to properly.

Print out this thread and take it with you to you appt. Highlight words referral & obs physio. Good luck

Thanks everyone, I think you're right about referrals, I'll try to contact the head of midwifery.

Yes, do a very clear script for yourself for the appointment / phone conversation. Use the 'broken record' technique (have a look at this link) to make sure they listen you you, ie, repeating your concern until they listen and engage with it:
'Yes, I know you're very busy, but I need to talk about my last birth'.
'Yes, I know you don't have the proper notes, but I need to talk about my last birth'.
Good luck with it all.

If there is anyone you can talk to in RL that would be good - it doesn't have to be your DP. I am sort of with Bonsoir about not going into massive details. I wouldn't necessarily worry about not telling your friends - I am in my twenties and childless but I would be supportive if one of my friends had your problems.

Re hospital, make a fuss. You deserve better treatment, they sound crap. If you can get hold of a consultant's medical secretary's number, ring it a lot and say you need to meet their consultant. It might be worth mentioning that it is due to complications from a previous birth at this hospital, so you feel they should be the ones to help sort it (don't threaten anything in specific terms though - just vague insinuations work best imo). Persistance is the key - this is important.

Op, it sounds like you have serious self esteem issues to me. Not ALL of the staff at your ante natal clinic can be horrid...so it worries me that you feel you are wasting their time.

I also think it's worrying that you can't discuss this with your DH, despite what others have said. Is this a reflection of how you feel, or how he reacts? When you told him you had bought the urinal, how did he react?

Because you should be able to approach this wth him, and find a balance between honesty, modesty and understanding.

There's some things I won't do in front of my DH, but he knows I do them! Could you use it in a spare room each morning? He wouldn't need to see you, but he should be supportive enough to turn a blind eye.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. As for your sex life...I really think that the stress you are feeling, and the strain of having such a 'secret' is likely to be much more damaging than being open about a physical problem that is potentially fixable. If your adult partner can't accept some of the basic problems that arise for lots of women in pregnancy, then I think you have greater problems than the need for an occasional Tena Lady.

I really don't mean to sound blunt, I'm totally sympathetic to your situation. Good luck with getting the help you need.

Abbie, you may be right about the self esteem thing, but I don't think I'm wasting their time, I think they're wasting mine (and petrol, and dp's time off work etc) every time I go to the hospital to discuss stuff which doesn't get discussed.

When I told dp about the urinal he just said "oh, ok." It's unfair to say that he won't accept problems that arise in pregnancy, he would, but I don't want to tell him, mostly because I don't want to kill the last tiny shred of mystery and romance in our lovelife.

The spare room is down a flight of stairs which is something I normally cope with but it's just getting too much. I suppose I'll have to do it in the room, it's a loss of dignity but at least I have pregnancy to blame it on.

Poor you

PLease please please get a referral. When I was pregnant this time, I had in the early stages a dire cough and had some incidences of stress incontinence. Not massive, but leaking. I mentioned it in passing at the early appointment with midwife and was referred to consultant Ob/Gyn, even though the problem resolved itself.

He assessed the situation and said would be fine for vaginal birth.

I really really think that you need to be able to discuss the problems you are having with a consultant, including both the prolapse and the stress incontinence.

After I had dd (my first) I attended a post-natal class (over the course of about 8 weeks) organised by the HV. We had a talk one week from the local continence nurse. Is there a continence nurse/expert in your area? Your midwife should be able to give you advice, and if she isn't, then you need another midwife and/or a different gp.