Could I have done some damage to myself?

[twoisplenty]

I really really struggle to drink enough, even to the point of not drinking for upto 2 days (that was last week, no food or drink for 48 hrs) and not yesterday either (but ate thick soup). (recovering anorexic, please don't judge)

Today I have woken with mild, regular pains in my lower abdomen, with some pains in my arm.

What does long-term dehydration do? Could I have done some harm?

Balloonslayer, actually, that sounds good! I ate some porridge this morning, cause that's full of water. And the usual soup later. Got very panicky a couple of hours ago, so went for a bath to calm down.

I haven't been able to drink anything today, I tried warm water with lemon juice squeezed in, but got really frightened with that. Tried some of my dd orange juice, but there was no way that was going in.

I have made sure that nothing I ate today was dry, so I ate a banana a few minutes ago, and that was ok because it doesn't feel watery. It's a nightmare. I can't eat much at a time either because of the feel of it in my tummy. I tried some jelly, but it's cold, and I'm better with warm things so I can't feel it so much. REally hope I can get this sorted soon, I'm so tired and feel a bit weak, of course. Not many calories, and not much water. But enough to get by on, I'm not that dehydrated, I don't think.

Eurostar, thanks for the message. I can't drink any fluid at the moment, but will try again tomorrow, so diorylite wouldn't help. But I am eating, so must be getting salts, I guess.

I agree that some extra therapy would be of value, I can't keep this up. Someone suggested hypnotherapy, and I think I will have a look at EDMR. I need something, that's for sure.

I may loook at that book too, thanks for that.

Herecomes, thanks for coming back to me. What does a specialist ED unit do?

To be fair to the counsellor, although the ED made an appearance soon after starting counselling, it has been manageable. But it is only the last week/ten days that this drinking aversion has kicked in. The counsellor only knew of it on Tuesday. And I told her I was going to the GP.

I did have this before, when I was 19yo, and I did start to go into hypovolaemic shock after 3 days of eating/drinking nothing (after laxative use too), but I was hiding the anorexia from my parents, so I managed to drink tiny sips of orange juice for hours, in mad panic of having to face hospital. I pulled myself out of that situation.

I will often avoid drinking, even when well, but only for 10 hours or so, then back to normal the next day. But the counselling is hard work, and is causing havoc.

I am so so scared. What if tomorrow is no better? I'm sitting panicking. I am going to ruin my marriage. We are already struggling with rl problems, my stupid behaviour is making things impossible.

It is not stupid behaviour!!!! Don't ever think that. It is an illness.

If worst comes to worst you can be rehydrated on a drip.

I would agree that you shlould get es much help as poss. Gp sounds good And may be able to refer you to someone.

This is not your fault.

Buda, it really feels like my fault. How would anyone in the family understand that someone who is a grown woman, with responsibilitieis in the family, be with-holding fluid? I know it's far from intentional, I'm trying my best, but I am so scared of the family's reaction. My marriage is limping along, but an ed is isolating and isn't helping one bit.

And it's the weekend. No counsellor. No GP. Nothing. I am alone.

Oh twoisplenty. I am sorry you feel this bad. But I really don't think it is your fault. From the sounds of it you had some nasty experiences at the hands of your mother which started all this and now the counselling is bringing it all to the fore again.

I have never had an ED or had a problem drinking or eating but I can totally understand how a mental block would make it impossible to swallow something.

Does your DH know how you feel at the moment?

My dh knows about the ed, in the fact that I don't eat with the family, choose different foods, and I am getting thinner. He worries a lot.

I have been to frightened to tell him about the fear of fluids. He would feel powerless.

My dh has tried to understand the ed, by reading online stuff.

Today, I can only see this going one way, I keep having images of a hospital visit and a drip. I would be a complete failure. I am so upset.

Buda, thank you for understanding.

You are not a failure. You are facing this and trying to get help. I think you need to be honest with your DH though. He can't help you unless he knows everything.

Yes, I see your point Buda. Not sure how to start the conversation, mind you. But I agree that he needs to know - he doesn't realise that things are bad atm, because he doesn't realise the struggle with drinking. And I am getting more panicky with food (last night). I ate soup for lunch, and then too scared to eat at tea. Had a banana later after a bath when I was calmer, but mainly to think of something that is watery but a solid texture. Bananas are good!

You see, I thought I had eaten well yesterday, but looking at the above, it was rubbish. Chocolate did feature mind you!

hello - haven't posted on this thread before - and I don't know much about whole ed area, but just wanted to be here for a bit of support.

This is not something you are choosing - it is not your fault. Which isn't to say that you don't have the power to overcome it, but it's not as simple as 'choosing' to start drinking - you know that. But you've already chosen to face up to the issue, let your GP know, and start getting help - that's a huge, huge step.

If you end up with a drip, then what that is is a practical way of supporting you through a stage, so that you can keep working to sort things out for yourself. It's not a failure, it's a treatment. Nowt wrong with that. If you have a cold, you treat yourself with lemsip to get you through a bad patch, a drip is just a treatment.

As others have said, there is LOTS of hydration that isn't 'pure' liquid - and every bit will help! If you can still manage maybe some fruit or soup, then that WILL be getting valuable liquids into your system - don't discount those achievements.

"so she used to pin me down on the floor, hold my nose and force the liquid in."

So you are essentially recreating a situation where you ultimately need to have liquid forced upon you.

I am so grateful of the support I am getting here. There is no-one else to talk to so easily. Thanks for listening.

Thaks deepdarkwood, I appreciate the support. I really feel that writing all this down is helping. And the approach about colds/ etc, fluid is good. I shall remember that.

Just re-read what I wrote yesterday, the bit you have put, Quint, about forced liquids. It just made me cry. It is really upsetting to drink. I suppose it's not stupid. I shall of course try again today. Try a hot drink again.

Quint, yes, you are right. Never thought of it like that. It's a double edge sword. I want to be well and functioning. But I don't want responsibility atm. Scared. I want to be well. I don't want to eat. I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to gain weight.

I have been on the Beat website this morning (eating disorder association) and they have a phone line open this afternoon. I may well call them for advice.

They have some words of wisdom on the subject, and one of them is about anorexia not being an illness as such, but instead, someone is living in your body who hates food, who stops you in your tracks. She loves the weight loss and enjoys playing tricks on your mind. You want this person to leave your body alone but can't fight this person off. You would love to eat, food is nice, but this person hates is and is stronger. Really good analogy I think. That I want to be well, but can't fight the fear of food and drink.

It's been like this for 6 months now.

Do ring the helpline. Not being able to drink sounds really worrying.

Also, not sure if lemon juice in hot water is a good idea? That always makes me wee more.

Bananas sounds great - they have potassium which is an essential for the blood.

Wishing you all the best to get through this.

I did try that Eurostar, the lemon juice in warm water. I took two sips, then the panic was huge.

I haven't drank any more today. That's it. But have had a banana and the soup. And two biscuits.

Surprisingly, I feel ok, not ill or too tired. But only needing the loo once in 24 hours isn't a good sign.

I did manage to ring Beat. The lady on the phone was lovely. Non judgmental. She advised me to go back to the GP and ask for a referral to get more help. And to tell him that, although he wasn't worried about dehydration, that I am very worried.

She did say that she felt my counsellor's approach was good, and that, because I am determined to get well, that it all helps.

Do you feel any better for talking to her? Well done for ringing by the way! And I would agree that because you are determined to get well that you should be ok. Fingers crossed anyway huh?

Someone earlier up the thread mentioned hypnotherapy. Any thoughts on that?

And straws. Does drinking from a straw help or not?

I have the exact opposite thing as you, two. I wish I could get everything from drink. If I eat, I have to drink a lot of water with it. I probably drink more than 8 glasses a day. When I'm not feeling up to eating, I just have soups and smoothies. But something I find that helps is if I am distracted while eating. I couldn't just sit down and eat without doing something else, that would freak me. Watching telly, reading, talking to someone else helps take my mind away from the negative thoughts. Can you eat salads? As someone else said, lettuce is mostly water.

No real advice, but I wanted to offer you some support TIP. Really hope this gets easier for you

Can you swallow things easily, tip? I was wondering about looking for small grapes and swallowing them whole.

But most grapes I see at the moment seem to be ginormous and too big to swallow. And swallowing stuff often needs a drink which brings us back to square one. But I thought I'd mention it in case anywhere near you sells little grapes.

I've done it!!! Finally drank something at around 4pm. Yes, Buda I tried it with a straw, and took tiny sips. I tried that yesterday but couldn't manage the sensation of liquid hitting the back of my throat.

The difference today (at last) was that I realised what was going on. The food/drink issue is always strongly tied to emotions. I realised today what was upsetting me so much, things that I am dealing with in counselling. Hard to explain what it is, but no need really. Once I discovered this, and thought of a possible solution, I felt much better.

I have only had one drink, but went back to it several times, and it is much easier.

I am even starting to think that tomorrow will be easier than today, so much relief!

Hypnotherapy - I am interested in looking into this, because this ed has been going on for 6 months BUT even before counselling, if I'm honest with myself, drinking has never been easy.

Did I feel better for ringing Beat? Absolutely. She was lovely and understanding.

Thanks BalloonSlayer, I really do think I am over the worst now. Such a relief!

Brahms, sounds awful for you. Do you think you know the trigger for the fear of eating? Million dollar question I suppose! I fear eating too, but it comes and goes. I hate being like this. It's so draining. I'm so tired.

Thanks Kaloki, I really appreciate your support. Everyone has been fantastic. Amazing. Just knowing I'm not on my own is worth its weight in gold really. Wonderful MN!

Yay!!!! Well done you. Very pleased you managed to drink. You should be very proud of yourself both for the actual drinking and for making the connection with the other stuff.

For tomorrow I would just concentrate on trying to do the same again. If you manage a bit more then great bit don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Today, I feel weak physically. I have just eaten some porridge, that was ok. I don't want to try drinking yet, but I will try in an hour or so.

The last 4 days have worried me about the possibility of having to be hydrated in hospital, but I feel a bit more relaxed about things today.

I need to concentrate on a strategy so I am in control of this issue I have been dealing with. Then I will feel better. It is making me feel anxious, so I will sit and write down a plan.

I will also go on the Beat website again. There is a checklist to look at, where it shows what extra help I can ask for in the NHS. I can then talk to the GP again. I really think I want extra help. I shall of course discuss it with my counsellor first.

Thanks

Glad you've had porridge, just take it one step at a time sweetie. It will get easier, though it wont feel it right now, you are doing everything right.

Wow, twoisplenty - you've been busy! Well done on ringing beat - such a brave step! And sounds like the straw idea might be helping, at least a little, too.

I was wondering about the distraction idea that Brahms mentioned too - I was just thinking about having to put in eye drops (I know it;s not the same!!) - it makes me stupidly panic-y, even though I know they don't hurt, are doing me good etc. I just can't stay still and make myself put them in. But it can help to almost 'look away' whilst I do it. I tell myself I'm looking at the TV/counting the number of dots on the artex in the ceiling etc. Just having my mind occupied calms me somehow (I do the same thing at the dentist)
Could that help you with a drink?

I also think that one really good thing is that you sound like you've got a positive associations with baths - you're using them very constructively to calm yourself. Next time you're in the bath could you spend a few minutes just thinking about what you like about water? 'Reframing' what water means to you, iykwim?