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Original poster

I THINK DH IS DRINKING IN EXCESS OF 2 BOTTLES OF WINE A DAY

53 replies

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 12:48

i have posted on here before but now it is getting ridiculous. he regularly drinks 2 bottles of wine a day - EVERY day. But he also has a couple on way home frm work and during the day if there is an opportuhity so it could be nearer 3. In the past (recent past) he has collapsed on the bedroom floor, smashed his face in falling down outside, injured his ribs and knuckles falling over, ended up choking almost to death before i got an amblance to take him to hospital. he had peed himself and vomited black bile. He doesn't ever remember what he has done. he looks dreadful, has mood swings and still does not accept he has a problem. He also complains of pain under his ribs on the right (liver?!) What can I do to convince him? Or can't i?

OP posts:

TillyMintSpy · 27/11/2009 12:55

I'm not surprised you're worried.

Is he drinking at home or elsewhere? Does he try to hide how much he has drunk (or hide bottles)?

Lulumama · 27/11/2009 13:01

not sure if there is anything you can do if he cannot face the truth, i think there is a support group for the partners of alcoholics that you could get in touch with

if him almost dying has not been a wake up call, i am not sure what would be.

citronella · 27/11/2009 13:02

Sorry you are having to go through this. Living with someone who drinks to such an extend that all those around them suffer is just awful.

You won't be able to make him stop. You might be able to help him see for himself that it's too much but I don't think you can do it on your own. Could you talk to your GP and somehow get him to arrange a liver test? Is there any chance you could start going to AlAnon for yourself and explain to him that it's to help you cope with living with him. He might consider seeking help.

What is he like when you broach the subject? Defensive? Agressive? Laughs it off?

Could you take pictures next time he's in a state and show him exactly how he looks?

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 13:02

TMS He never use to hide it but I believe he is now. He is ultra defensive whenever alcohol is mentioned, even on a 'safe drinking' advert. He disposes of the empty bottles but funnily enough doesn't bother hiding them when he buys them (2 per day). He won;'t put empties in recycling bin as they would look horrendous! I can't leave my 3yo ds in his care for any lenght of time as I wouldn't trust himnot to fall asleep (as has happened in the recent past)

OP posts:

citronella · 27/11/2009 13:03

How does he pay for so much booze?

BenignNeglect · 27/11/2009 13:08

Is there a reason for his drinking (e.g. unhappy at work)?

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 13:08

he recently had a windfall with more to come so our mortgage is paid off. He has a large salary. I worked out that the is spending around £300 - £400 per month on booze.
Citronella - his reaction to any comments about drinking are met with aggression, irritation, defensiveness and disbelief that it should be a problem. So.....I rarely mention it any more

OP posts:

BenignNeglect · 27/11/2009 13:10

And I second Citronella's photography idea.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 13:13

i took a photo of him when he collapsed on teh floor in the delivery suite shortly after I had given birth to our son. he has bought Champagne tothe hospital but drank the entire lot himself. He delieted it before I even got to print it. I also took a picture of his face when he split his lip and was swollen beyond belief. We even had to visit my famliy adn his family when he looked like this (it was Christmas two years ago).No-one was allowed to mention it.

OP posts:

notyummy · 27/11/2009 13:15

God, what a nightmare for you. It does sound like he has a serious problem - isn't he ashamed of these incidents, or of not being able to look after a child because of his alchoholism? Because that is what it is.

You may have to make plans of how you would manage without him, and discuss this with him.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 13:18

i
notyummy - it is very hard. I think he must really be ashamed but as hardly anyone knows (I do confide in my Mum and a couple of friends) his shame is limited iyswim. I cannot discuss anything with him because he jsut shuts it out and will not talk. It really is impossible

OP posts:

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 13:20

i do not feel cared for and looked after. I do not sleep, suffer with insomnia. it is too much

OP posts:

TillyMintSpy · 27/11/2009 14:19

Don't hide it - it is nothing for you to be ashamed of.

My mum hid my fathers drinking until she finally got divorced from him (I was 10), and I was left with the feeling that it was something I should be ashamed of, and so never talked to anyone about it until I was 22 and met someone who had an alcoholic mother.....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2009 14:25

cruisemum1,

Don't let this be the elephant in the room any longer. Al-anon is good and I would urge you to talk to them.

You must remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

There are no guarantees here, he could lose everything and still carry on drinking.

You are NOT, repeat NOT responsible for him.
All you can do is help your own self and your child because growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent will do him no favours at all. It will give him his own set of problems to deal with as an adult. Don't give that legacy to your son.

I never say this lightly but if you stay with him you and your son will continue to be dragged down with him.

Tizzyjacko · 27/11/2009 14:27

Get onto one of the support groups for families of alcoholics. They really helped me and a group of friends when another friend (a mum with 3 young kids and a crap husband) became an alcoholic. From what I can remember the basic advice was that there is little you can do to help until he wants to help himself. It is an incredibly complex illness and there are no easy fixes.

Good luck and I am sure MNetters will provide sound moral support as they always do.

notyummy · 27/11/2009 14:29

If he refuses to discuss it, I think you need to make plans, tell him what they are (if he refuses to engage with making them) and then do them. (EAsier said than done, I know.) You need to think about finance/accn etc - you can't live like this, and if he refuses to take responsibility for what he is doing to your family, then unfortunately you will. Even if your DC are young just now, they will soon start to notice - and be scared of him because of his behaviour. You need to act both for them and for you - you deserve much more.

Seeing you determined may be what he needs to shock him - if it isn't, then he obviously is so mired in the disease that he shouldn't be round your family anyway.

My other point would be that it is highly likely this will effect his work and salary at some point - most employers will notice it eventually. Do you have income protection? Will you be able to earn a reasonable wage if necessary?

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 14:50

hi all - been out so just returned to read posts. our dc's are 11 and 3 so the 11 yo has experience of his drinking. She found hi at foot of stairs on floor at 1am and was terrified. He also got drunk at a bbq for her school friends and parents and she was mortified. She has little patience with it, understandably. I feel so lost and confused. he doesn't mean to be a bad man but it affects every area of my life and I have had enough

OP posts:

TillyMintSpy · 27/11/2009 15:04

I so know how your DD feels

Please get some support for you and your DC - from AA or whatever you can find. You mus put your and your DC's mental health first.

Alcoholics don't mean to be bad, but they have to accept they have a problem and want to change. My father never did. Don't let him ruin your lives.

alypaly · 27/11/2009 15:28

how awful for you cruisemum. My dad was an alcoholic...so i know what you are going through. I know what the insomnia is like too as i have had it since i was a child,under the threat of a drunk. I lost all my school friends because of my dad. Everyone was frightened to come to our house. He was a complete embarrasment to me,throwing up in the street on the way back from the pub,and gambling too.
Dont let it affect your chidren,it will scar them for a long time.Leave while you can.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 16:03

that is so sad alypaly - my dd has trouble sleeping too

OP posts:

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 16:42

on the surface of things, dh is an intelligent, articulate, hard working man. so conflicting and confusing

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2009 17:05

cruisemum,

You write that you have had enough. Act on that thought.

You will all continue to be dragged down by him if you stay with him. You as his wife are just as caught up in the merry go round of alcoholism as much as he is.

Please consider carefully what you want to do for your own self because your decision will effect your children as well.

You have a choice re this man - your children do not. Your children, particularly the eldest, have seen and heard more than enough with regards to their drunk Dad in their young lives. They do not need this in their lives. It will affect them markedly as adults and as adults they will not thank you for staying with him.

Your children need support too - have a look at NACOA's website. Also Al-anon have support for teens.

citronella · 27/11/2009 17:21

Oh cruisemum it's so sad and isolating for you. I have had this experience with xh and in the end it was the main thing that broke our marriage.

I think that you(well i did) believe things might change or he might see his ways and the hurt and damage it is causing to you. But he won't. Unless he recognises there is a problem.

I agree that you need to start thinking about making plans without him and you should make that clear to him.

I pray that you will find the strength to get through this.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 18:07

i feel totally out of my depth. I cannot broach the subject with him because he closed off to it. He has worse days than others. He is not a swaying around, effing and blinding drinker, which is why I suppose I play it down in my mind but it is
afffecting my every waking moment which is a lot of moments becuase I cannot sleep. I wish someone could do this for me!

OP posts:

alypaly · 27/11/2009 18:21

he is going to kill himself drinking so much and it will financially tear you apart.
My dad was ahrad working man when he was sober,but a stupified bastard when he was drunk. He really did destroy my childhood and the impact it has had on me in my latter years is profound. I wanted him off this planet to rid my mum and i of his habits. He was disgusting.

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