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Original poster

I THINK DH IS DRINKING IN EXCESS OF 2 BOTTLES OF WINE A DAY

53 replies

cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 12:48

i have posted on here before but now it is getting ridiculous. he regularly drinks 2 bottles of wine a day - EVERY day. But he also has a couple on way home frm work and during the day if there is an opportuhity so it could be nearer 3. In the past (recent past) he has collapsed on the bedroom floor, smashed his face in falling down outside, injured his ribs and knuckles falling over, ended up choking almost to death before i got an amblance to take him to hospital. he had peed himself and vomited black bile. He doesn't ever remember what he has done. he looks dreadful, has mood swings and still does not accept he has a problem. He also complains of pain under his ribs on the right (liver?!) What can I do to convince him? Or can't i?

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alypaly · 27/11/2009 18:24

i now hate drinking so much and as my boys are now 21 and 17 ,one at uni already heavily into that drinking life, i am perpetually terrified of alcoholism...it is the secret killer. No one knows what damage it has done to your liver and pancreas til it is too late. I have had pancreatitis due to gall stones,but if thats what the pain feels like to an alcoholic with pancreatitis.....it is unimagineable pain.

TillyMintSpy · 27/11/2009 18:49

"on the surface of things, dh is an intelligent, articulate, hard working man. so conflicting and confusing"

Yes, so was my father, that's why no-one could believe it when my mother finally divorced him because of the alchoholism.

As citronella said, !I think that you(well i did) believe things might change or he might see his ways and the hurt and damage it is causing to you. But he won't. Unless he recognises there is a problem" - that's what happened with my mum.

He didn't ever change.

Original poster
cruisemum1 · 27/11/2009 19:27

tillymintspy - people who have knownus of old will know but others would probably be disbelieving

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Original poster
cruisemum1 · 28/11/2009 08:29

it was defo 2 plus bottles last night. Probably 3 as some were drunk outside of home

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notyummy · 28/11/2009 13:12

What are you going to do cruisemum?

for you and your children.

cathcat · 28/11/2009 13:23

I'm sorry you are going through this.
He is killing himself with the amount of alcohol he is drinking.
Are you thinking about leaving? It may make him wake up to what is at stake here. But it is a gamble of course because he may carry on.
You have to put you and your DC first. Where do you want to be 6 months from now?

spookycharlotte121 · 28/11/2009 13:33

maybe you should start going to aa alone.... try and show him that your supportive and want to help him.... maybe even visit yourr gp to get his advice but at the end of the day your dh has to make the next move and if he is unwilling to face up to his problems and responsibilities as a parent then i think you should give him an ultimatum.... tell him he sorts it out or he has to leave otherwise this is going to really screw your kids up. you have already said its effecting your dd.

Original poster
cruisemum1 · 28/11/2009 15:43

thanks all. I am going to docs on monday and maybe he can guide me from there. Don't really know where to begin tbh. Truth is, if the drinking stopped I don't know if too much damage has been done to me abyway to salvage anything. Oh me oh my, this is too hard a call. But thanks for your support and advice. It is helping enormously

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Original poster
cruisemum1 · 28/11/2009 17:57

omg - hvae just had dd crying her eyes out about dh's drinnking. "Why is he likes this?, none of my friends daddy's are like this? She has just poured the remainder of his wine away. Wnted to phone him and tell him what she hates about it. She has calmed down now but I feel like hte shittest mum on earth to not have seen this coming and help her. What shall I do?

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notyummy · 28/11/2009 18:37

I think you have to accept what she says and not sweep it under the carpet - because it is true. Perhaps she should write a letter to her dad to tell him how she is feeling?

She need you to tell her how things are going to get better.

cathcat · 28/11/2009 18:40

I'm sorry Cruisemum. She obviously needs to talk about it and feel that she is being listened to. Can you tell your DH about her strong feelings about the drinking? He may act defensive but deep down he knows what he is doing is wrong and is affecting others.

alypaly · 29/11/2009 10:10

please cruisemum,dont let her end up mentally scarred and scared,it ruined the whole of my chidldhood,my teenage lefe and alot of my adult life. TBH i am 53 now and the memories have never left me.

newnamenewlife · 29/11/2009 10:35

Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of my father being drunk and my mother being upset. I was very lucky that throughout my childhood and adolescence I had someone to talk to. I could not have talked to my mother - my emotions were far too messy to share with her if that makes sense.

Does her school have a counsellor? She will need support for a long time no matter what happens. Could you ask the counsellor to talk to her about selecting someone to talk to?This could be a teacher, aunt, family friend, close friend's parent etc. It does not really matter who as long as a) you can be sure they will be supportive not destructive to what is after all your family life, and most importantly b) that someone is chosen by her and she feels safe with that person.

I think it might help if it was man but that is my personal take.

I am NOT suggesting undermining your role as her supportive mum btw, just suggesting that for the sake of your relationship with DD there is another adult involved. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Get yourself some help too - it might be that leaving your husband now gives him the impetus to choose to give up drinking, it might not. But I promise you your daughter will (depsite the hurt involved) trust and respect you so much more for trying.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2009 11:12

cruisemum

For your own sakes you have to act and soon.

You daughter may want to look at this website as it is specifically for young people whose parent is an alcoholic

www.nacoa.org.uk

You will continue to be all dragged down by him the longer you stay within this situation. At the end of the day you have a choice re your H, your children do not. They are and will be damaged by their dad's alcoholism as well. Please do not leave them that particular legacy.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink - everything and everyone else around him is of no real importance whatsoever. He could lose everything (which is looking increasingly likely here) and still continue to drink. There are NO guarantees here. You are NOT responsible for him, only your own self and that of your children.

Again the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause it
You CANNOT control it
You CANNOT cure it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2009 11:16

To cruisemum's daughter re pouring away your Dads alcohol (this is from NACOA's website):-

DON'T water down or pour away your parent's alcohol or hide drugs. It won't work. You have no control over someone else's drinking or using. You didn't make the problem start and you can't make it stop. It is up to your parent to get treatment. What your parent does is not your responsibility or fault.

Sidonie · 29/11/2009 11:25

His drinking, whether he will acknowledge it in the future or not, is obviously having a negative effect on you and your children. These organisations may be helpful to you and your daughter.

Al-Anon for you and your daughter. As well as meetings they have a range of literature for partners and children of alcoholics.

When you daughter is 12 she can attend Alateen

Snorbs · 29/11/2009 11:50

Cruisemum, if nothing else your DD needs to know that it is not her job to try to get her dad to stop drinking. It's not her responsibility neither is it something she has the power to achieve.

Neither is it your job to get him to stop drinking. Your job is to think about whether this life is acceptable to you and your DCs and, if not, how you can protect you and your DCs from it. Actively drinking alcoholics are crap parents because their primary interest is drink. Everything else comes secondary to that. They make crap partners for the same reason.

Alcoholics stop drinking if and when the fear of what they will lose if they continue to drink outweighs the fear of what life will be like without the crutch of alcohol. Many have to lose an awful lot before the fear of losing even more becomes overwhelmihg. Many alcoholics never stop no matter what they have lost. I know people who have lost jobs, friends, families, houses, even limbs and yet they continue drinking. Many others end up cycling between drunk and sober forever more. It downright sucks but that is the reality of alcoholism. The other thing about alcoholism is that it is progressive - however bad it is now, it can and will get worse unless they either stop or they die.

It is good that your DD feels she can talk to you about her feelings; keeping it a family secret that no-one ever discusses is corrosive. And I'd also encourage you to find other outlets for her to talk about her fears and feelings. Al-Anon is good (I attended for quite a long time and still have friends there) but I'm not sure if the format of an Al-Anon meeting is what your DD necessarily needs right now - I think your DD might benefit more from one-to-one counselling where she can ask questions and get age-appropriate advice. Your GP may be able to help direct you.

Finally, I'd echo the comments that pouring away an alcoholic's booze is a bad idea. It won't stop them drinking and it can be positively dangerous to get between a drunk alcoholic and their next drink.

Original poster
cruisemum1 · 29/11/2009 21:27

thank you all so much. i canot stay on here this evenng as we are all in lounge together just wanted to know how much i appreciate all your advice - which i will take. I wil be back tomorrow. thanks again

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thesecondcoming · 29/11/2009 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonnyb1 · 29/11/2009 23:20

The best thing you can do for him is leave him/throw him out. An alcoholic usually has to hit rock bottom before they can decide for themselves to change their own lives. If removing him from the family is the shock he needs to sort himself out, then great. If it isn't and he continues to drink himself to death at least your poor daughter won't have to witness his self destruction every day. If you allow him to he will drag you both down, an alcoholic cares about no-one more than the bottle.
My father was an alcoholic, my mum finally got rid of him when I was 11, thank god. The dread in your stomach of not knowing what state your parent is going to be in, I can still feel it.
Be strong and take control of this situation for your childrens sake. Good luck x

littlegreenlight · 29/11/2009 23:59

Please don't live with him any longer.

It's awful to live with a parent who drinks.

You can still love him without living with him. Living with him will destroy you all.

No child should have to share a home with someone in that state.

Original poster
cruisemum1 · 30/11/2009 16:58

thank you all. Had an horrendous morning with him morose and blaming the world for his moods. Went to docs today to get some advice on who I can talk to in RL. Stay with me though please.

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MIFLAW · 01/12/2009 15:55

Time to stop considering him and start considering you. He will not be able to stop for yo, only for himself, so the only person who can look after you and your children is you.

At the same time, you might be able to help him by stopping playing it down, covering for him, or otherwise indirectly enabling him. I'm sorry to say it but there's every chance the drinking will get worse still.

No poit in you going to AA as someone else sugeested - it's not for you. As someone eles said, you need Al-Anon if that's the route you decide to take.

Good luck.

Original poster
cruisemum1 · 02/12/2009 14:39

MIFLAW - thanks you. I rang al anon yesterday - very helpful. I also think dh has mental health issues but it could all be connected I guess.

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MIFLAW · 02/12/2009 16:40

Connected - who knows? I know I had depression and it was massively exacerbated by my drinking. (I also know that red wine and anti-depressants REALLY don't mix ...)