Ive just found a lump in my boob.....

[PleaseletitbeOK]

and I am really scared.

I had cervical cancer at a very young age and have been really careful about living healthy and looking after my body.

I have been feeling really groggy for the past couple of months and getting very tired.

Today I am acheing all over and have had the most horrific headache.

DH has been a complete angel and is taking ocver and looking after everyone in the house whilst I rest. He ran me a bath so I could go and have a soak and I have found a lump in my breast.

Im so scared to tell him because he lost his mother to breast and cervical cancer. It has been his biggest fear that given my history and the fact I have been on HRT for nearly 15 years that one day I will tell him I have found a lump.

Im really scared.

JM- vent away my love! We will all be here for you whenever you need us!
You are a wonderful, strong woman and you have the power of MN behind you too!

Hugs....Dingle.xx

Just wanted to send you some positive ++++++ vibes for good news, JM. Take care.

JM, just post on here whenever you need to!

Massive hugs to you ++++++++

ssd x x x x x x x x

Long rambly venting post....please ignore. I just need to have a rant for 5 mins before I go and collect J from his godmothers house.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Im just so blooming angry at everything today. I had a really crap night. My mind kept whirring away and I just couldnt get to sleep. Im trying to be really positive about this but ATM all I feel is sheer anger that this is happening to me and I cant get my head around it at all.

DH had a good cry last night. This must be so hard for him. He lost his mom to breast cancer. She fought it for 10 years before she finally lost the battle. She found her lump when he was 11 and swore she would see her baby reach the age of 21. DH had his 21st bithday and three days later she died.

A couple of months before DH and I got married I was dx with cervical cancer. I was pregnant with twins at the time. We lost our babies and I underwent an emergency hysterectomy. I told DH not to marry me....I felt like a failure...I wouldnt be able to give him the children he wanted and wasnt a "real woman" anymore. He stuck by me because he loved me...what a wonderful man.

We went on to adopt our boys and I treasure them. We are a family and they made me something I never thought I would be...a mom.

For the first time in a long while we are enjoying our lives. We have had some really horrible ups and downs. Loosing our fahers was both very hard for us. We have suffered finacially. J's diagnosis of autism and the battles we have fought (and are still fighting) to make sure he gets all he needs in his life to reach his full potential have been blooming tough.
But we have battled on and pulled through.

All the bad times have made us better people. We are united and so in love. Financially we are now comfortable. We have a lovely home which we adore. We live by the sea and have such a wonderful life. Only a few weeks ago DH and I sat counting our blessings. We took stock of all the bad times and marvelled at how much we have achieved over the past 16 years as a couple. We are just so very content with our lives....and now this has blinkin well happened.

Im trying to be positive and not think of the worst case scenario....but given my history its almost impossible not to fear the worst.

What the hell am I going to do if this is bad? How much is this going to hurt DH? It must be so painful for him. I wish I could fast forward to next week and be sat here telling you all that its all gonna be OK.....why in my head do feel its gonna be the opposite?

I'm having a really bad afternoon. I want to scream at God. What have we done so bad that this has to happen to DH and I?

Sorry I just need to off load some of my cr@p.

I hope it is benign - when will you find out ?

And if it isn't - then your MIL experience need not be yours. That was a long time ago and medical science has moved on a lot since then - many women beat breast cancer now.

Try and keep positive and keep reminding each other about the good things in your lives.

JM

You rant away honey, that was a beautifully scripted post and it made me cry.

I am thinking of you.

Much love

LGJ

JM i am so sorry you are having to go through such an awful time, your last post brought tears to my eyes, life can be so cruel at times, stay strong xx

JM, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. It just isn't fair, no wonder you're so angry.

Please know that there are lots of us out here thinking of you and hoping you keep strong and get through this with your dh, who sounds wonderful.

ssd x x x

Message withdrawn

JM - haven't been around for a while so only just seen this.
So sorry you are going through this at the moment. If you need to talk you know where I am. Sending lots of love and positive vibes.
Hugs Blossomxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Feeling very vunerable and Oh so very scared.

I recieved my litle package from the hospital today with the date of my appointment. The 4th July....thats and age away and quite how I will manage to wait that long and still stay sane, god only knows.

I have to be at the hospital at 9am to see the breast nurse first. She will explain the procedures that will be carried out during my attendance.
I then have an ultra sound appointment at 9.30am. Mammogram is then at 10.15am followed by a needle aspiration at 11.20am. I then see the consultant at 12 noon and if he feels I need a core biopsy this will be performed during my appointment with him.
Then to finalise my day trip to the hospital I have an appintment at 1.15pm with the radiologist.

During my visit I will be accompanied by the breast care nurse specialist who will be assigned to me.

Reading all the blurb they have sent me has scared me half to death and has bought back so many painful memories of my past experience with the dreaded C word.

I have a very close friend who use to work at The Royal Marsden hospital as a breast care specialist and I met up with her today....had a blinking good cry and she talked me through the possibilites of what might lie ahead.

I am just very very frightened and just cant find the right words to use to explain how I feel. Ive been so very ill before. I lost my babies, I lost my womanly bits and I lost my hair.....I dont want to do it again. I dont want this to be happening to me.

Im trying to be really positive but TBH I am not convinced that all will be well. Given my past history, the fact I have been on HRT for so long, my nipple has out of the blue become inverted and the surrounding skin has become very puckered, teamed up with the lump I have.....it just doesnt fill me with much hope at all.

Oh bugger Im gettting to depressing now....sorry.

Message withdrawn

jayzmummy, I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sure you know this, but a benign lump can also make the nipple become inverted. I think the thing to do, as essbee says, is to concentrate on the idea that even if it is malignant cure rates are really very good, and are going up all the time; things like herceptin have made such a dfference. I know you're scared about the treatment too, who wouldn't be. Just hang in there.
Love tamum xxx

Oh Jayzmummy I was so shocked when I saw this thread turned out to be you.. Big, Big Hugs.... Life is so bl**dy unfair!

I will be praying for you that things turn out ok. 4th July, does seem a long time to wait doesn't it...OMG why cant it be done any earlier?
I guess because there are so many women finding lumps and bumps??

Message withdrawn

Oh Essbee!

jaysmummy, i know there isnt much i can doi and say to make you feel better, but you are one of the most down to earth, deal with it right now, lovely, funny, sweet natured women on here, and want towish you all the best and send lots of lots of positive vibes your way.

Message withdrawn

BTW Jayzmummy if it helps for you not to do my anniversary card then please forget about it. On the other hand you might want to be occupied just now, but I really dont want to add to your worries...so if you dont make the card, I can always pop out and buy one...You do what you feel suits you...Lots of Love x

Merlot....no worries about the card, it will help me stay focussed on the here and now.

Misdee...that was very sweet of you and your words made me cry.

essbee....thanks for the idea about going private. DH is going to phone insurance company on Monday to see if we can get to be seen next week instead of the 4th.

To everyone else thanks for your kind words and support....they mean a lot to me.

Its late and I am tired but cant sleep. DH is beside himself with worry and its hurtng me so much to see him worrying so much. I feel so sorry for him as it must be like reliving the nightmare he went through with his own mother.

Living in this state of not knowing is so tough. We want to make so many plans for the rest of this year but everything is now on hold just in case.

I feel bad that I am worrying so much and feeling so scared and angry when I dont know for sure whats wrong. There are thousands of people up and down this country tonight who are in a far worse state than me.... I should be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life....my Dh and children, my lovely home, my wonderful friends, the beautiful countryside and the beach that I walk on everday....I need to focus on the positives and try and not let the negatives drag me down....BUT IT'S SO BLOODY DIFFICULT.

Hope you managed to get a little rest last night JM. Still thinking about you. Take care xx

Jm - don't feel bad about the way you feel honey. I thought I would mention that when I went for my breast scan on Wednesday they had an open clinic where people could just walk in without an appointment. Maybe it's worth phoning your hospital and seeing if they have the same facility? I know the one at St Georges Hospital in Tooting do it on a Wednesday morning.
I hope you manage to get sooner JM as it must be agonising waiting.
Sending lots of love, hugs and positive vibes to you and your family
Blossom xxxxxxx

Thinking of you, and again if you cant make my 2 birthday cards dont worry, I totally understand, but also understand if you do want to do it. Fingers crossed you can get somewhere with your private insurance.

Just to let you know I am not covered on the insurance because they class this as an excisting condition...WTF???? Dh as been on the phone all morning arguing with the insurance company and they wont budge. How can a lump in my boob be classed as pre-excisting when I didnt have it at the time of taking out the insurance cover???? Slippery little fishes.

So I will have to wait now until the 4th. Its not so long away but it feels like an age.

I keep having really bad moments and cant stop crying and worrying about this blinking thing. Its driving me insane the not knowing.

I need to take my mind of this. I have had a busy weekend and I am just about to settle down to finish of some card orders. Thank goodness I have something to keep me occupied.