Kokoshi expat gerbra bladebla HELP just come across our (dead) thread

[walkinthewoods]

Lots of things going on. I will keep posting until I get you!

I have name changed...used to be glowwormish.

Our company went inot liquidation 2 months ago and tbh its a relief. Obviously no money coming in now but hey life is too short for all that shit.

I went to docs with a lump under my chin and exhaustion. Then I had an extended period with cramping and pain in left ovary area. In the meantime I went on hols (first one for years and years).

Got back last week and satrted spotting the other day. Lump still there. Went back to gp's and sh'es going to do a blood test. Amongst ither things it involves a LFT (searched on mn and came across our old thread) . Now am a bit worried about what it will turn up. I have been drinking at much the same rate as normal (bottle a night) however a bit less on hols actually! Can't belive how much I needed a holiday even tho ds was manic.

Now the business is kaputt I have been more an more thinking about abstaining and I have an idea in mind of about late summer. I am going to throw everything at it, hypnotherapy, books, change in routine, relaxation CD's. I am dtermined to do it. Maybe the LFT will give me a bit of a kick but still a bit c=sacred, have my blood test tomorrow.

hey witw. i really wish i could write any old nonsense here, just like i did a year ago.

but things have progressed so much that it aint nonsense to me. it is just unbearable now.

if i had a stash of pills, id be taking them, seriously. i already rang the samaritans and they told me to make peace with my mum LMAO. ive lost my job, ss are involved and my kids are on at risk register. ive been sober, and am sober from time to time.
ive always known i was a shit mum.
next step for ss is a court order to remove my kids from the home....if they do that, im as good as dead.

how much more nonsense do you want?

only joshing babes x x

oh wig, and dont worry about your liver. have you been for an lft yet?

i've had 2. one last aug and one last month...and my liver is holding up. doc thought i may have diabetes but all is well. just alcohol pushing up my blood sugar levels and having a crap diet.

keep on walking kiddo!

Oh Purple, it sounds horrible. I've been told the Making Peace thing too. It's such a stupid thing to say and it can feel more like jamming the splinter further in.

Last year I felt like a character in a soap opera. I got in touch with Womens Aid and an organisation called NAPAC. Between them they were fantastic, and it was good to talk to people who actually believed me, although my head was reeling.

It seems strange now, but before I was treated for depression, I used to feel that dreadful empty useless feeling that a bad hangover delivers all the time. It was my life.

Today I just feel very angry with my friend for passing judgement on me the way she did, and for not believing me about what my life has been like.

Sometimes there are some very good reasons to try to wipe out a lot of pain. I think sometimes it takes a lot of bravery just to keep on breathing. Keep breathing, Purple!

Purple
I didn't mean to sound flippant. I remember you from the old thread. I certainly don;t think its nonsense (but sometimes I can write utter drivel and it makes me feel better so that's what I was trying to get at...starting a dialogue about any trivia and then you start talking about the important stuff).

You can;t be a shit Mum because you are now at the depths of despair about the possibility of losing your kids. Have you got any support at all? I think about you and how your;e coping. Is the next step enevitable or is it 'if you set another step wrong'? I just can't imagine how that must feel, words fail me actually.

Must admit, the 'making peace' how can someone say that so flippantly without knowing the background? I have read the 'Stately Home' thread (basically about toxic parents) and posted on it a couple of times. Plonk...my Dad was a bully(but I was his favourite so didn;t get it in the neck like my sis and brother) but still, the legacy..... My Mum was an absolute mouse and I learnt to take bullying by keeping schtum. That DID NOT stand me in good stead for when I was bullied at school. Now I look back and wish I'd gone straight back at them. I have told dp that he is leading the way with the dc's to stand up for themselves, its an emotive subject for me.

Atm I have blanked my Dad for nearly a year. I wish I could cut him right out tbh but, you know, families and all that. I spoke with my brother recently and he admitted to feeling much the same as me and he had a much harder time (seems a bit mean to say what we really wanted but did post on Stately home thread) I am beyond the expectation that he will redeem himself as I have given him SO MANY chances. Ho hum. God better stop talking as I'm starting to think....

Felt a bit low yesterday, job hunting is getting me down. But we have had a walk for the past 3 days and has been good for me. We found another section of woods nearby...and by my name, I love LOVE walking in woods. We live near woods and I just love listening to birdsong.

Oh nearly forgot, my blood tests are all clear. I was quite shocked actually, was so expecting something to flag up. I am still going to see the doctor.

Wig my dp has been in denial on my behalf, but I gave him the evidence (he likes statistics and evidence to base things) and he worked out what I suspected but didn't face up to...I do about 70 units a week. or is it that's why I can;t understand why my lft was fine??

Oh and being sober purple...better than I have managed, well done! (not said lightly!!!!!!!)

Purple, were you the one who posted about getting support for going tea total but they said you were drinking too much and you ahd to cut down? The limit I remember was 70 units (gulp) and basically they're worried that if you just stop drinking then you;re at risk of having a fit?

Oh Kokoshi was such a fountain of knowledge!!

Purple, Walkin and Plonk, hello!

Purple, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time...I echo Walkin's 'words fail me...', I don't have kids so I just can't begin to know how you are feeling...and I don't know what to say...stay strong ... you've been sober for bits of time and that's bloomin' fantastic, keep that in mind...

I had nothing to drink last night and felt tired and grouchy today! Am drinking tonight and feel quite apathetic about it...

Walkin' re your lft...you must be so relieved...? I live in daily fear I can actually hear my liver decomposing from the alcohol abuse and I'm just way too scared to have a test tell me the real picture. I was in the gp's for a heart check out (referred to hospital last year) as I have an irregular heart beat and hole in heart (all fine), and then I find a lump in my breast earlier this year (another visit to gp and another referral to hospital)...but all okay again, phew! She's already referred me for CBT so I just can't go back to ask for liver tests, I think she'd section me!!!

Thinking of everyone and hoping they're well...

wig x

Wig
Yes its a refief. I was so expecting a problem, I'm sure I sounded shocked on the phone. I'm sure your liver would be coping better than mine as you have periods of abstention, that's got to be so good as you give your liver a rest.

What's the CBT for if that's not too nosey? It sounds like a positive thing.

Purple how you doing today?

Should we start another thread welcoming all? Would feel a bit like no-one coming to my party if no-one joined??

Well, I've found a trigger for my drinking, and I need to find a way round it or stop drinking at all. I know that if I stop drinking again, I will probably become a sanctimonious cow who sees nothing but negativity in everyone who drinks anything at all.

I think I would like to stop drinking for a few days, and let that become a week. I have a perfectly nice time with my friends without alcohol, and I would like to stretch it. It's hard when people around you are drinking and filling your glass.

Hi I've just found this- how is everyone doing?

Teasle, hellooooo. It's so nice to see old names..... What are you up to?

Am a bit low today (and yesterday) need to shake it. Don't really feel like chatting at all sorry.

Plonk how's your cold?

HI walkinthewoods, no problem, hope you feel a bit better today.

Yeah I'm good thanksfor asking

I know Kokeshi has been busy with work lately, but I can get in touch with her if you want, although she has quite a lot on.

I miss the old thread too.

Did I see Gerbra has been posting?

Hello teasle! That's really good that Kokeshi is so busy. I had rather thought she might be.

Lots of people have been namechanging here, self included.

I think I've had a bottle of beer since last Friday and I'm getting better at drinking less, on the whole, though I have my moments.

I have been thinking about the times when I do drink too much. It's a bit like thinking about all the one night stands I've had (not related), and instead of thinking of one thing at a time, it's as though they all happened at the same time.

My cough is getting better and I have one more day of anti-biotics.

This week I am joining a CBT group. TBH, I'm not entirely convinced, but hey, I'll give it a go.

Does anyone here who's had eating problems find their drinking the same as the eating? I don't think I do. When I was a teenager, I would do anything to get away from feeling miserable, but somehow the alcohol never stuck. Now that my other bad habits are in retreat, I do wonder about the alcohol. When things are ok, it doesn't bother me much, but then there are situations when the whole thing comes crashing down.

Hey Teasle
Not long after your post I got a phone call from someone really interested in my CV (job hunting...but zip sucess, which is why I was down tbh). I went for an interview this afternoon and it went pretty well. Don;t want to jinx myself, maybe I should shut up. But even if I don;t get the job, I got such a boost from their interest shown in me and my CV. And I can always get some useful feedback if I don;t get it.

Having said that, watch this space, might be in the pits when I'm rejected. Oh life!

It would be nice to hear wise words from Kokeshi.

Plonk...you're doing well with the not drinking. The reason I want to completely abstain is that I know I can't dip in and out. Plonk, what is your trigger for drinking then? I would so love to get behind my compulsion to drink. I've never had a problem with eating but I know (close) people who have, however they don;t like to talk about it. But have had a problem with smoking (no more) just wondering what I'd go onto next excercise or sex would be good . Glad your cough is clearing up.

Wig whats happening?

Purple purple purple really hoping you're ok, just post a hello if that's all you're up to.

Oh SHIT

Just realised why I feel so positive. Have just gone for a top up and realised I have already BEEN for a top up and the glass I have just poured is the last one in the bottle....shit. That's all my units then. Shit I can't even remember drinking the last glass of wine.

It is truly evil stuff. I often think of a particular song when I think about my drinking 'You're poision, you're poision running through my veins, but I can't seem to shake these chains, you're poision....'

Well done for getting the interview! That's a really good start.

Apparently it doesn't work, telling yourself that it's a poison etc. If it did, nobody would ever start smoking. I'll probably get hammered for this, but I think you have to try and allow yourself things, not to excuse them, but to accept things.

Are you dependent on alcohol, walk? Is it a habit? There is lots of information which can help to tell the difference. I abuse alcohol but I'm not dependent. My triggers tend to be family and feeling as though I'm being judged. Not feeling safe, really. I have a lot of issues with not being wanted and feeling useless. It may (or may not) be linked.

I'm so glad you're there, all of you, and where is Purple? Please come back!

Plonk, thanks for your quick reply...was going down quickly. I'm not sure on dependency or habit....what's the differnece? I kinda thought I was dependent but I might be wrong.

Oh the poision is alcohol. Somedays I feel toxic. What a shit place to be. My triggers are EVERY evening where I can think 'OK kids are in bed (or sort of) its my time now' I think for me its a winding down/relaxation.

OK positive head on....I still am quite proud of myself for getting an interview and not being nervous....little steps....

Purple has a lot on her plate but I'm sure she will post if she has time.

I feel a bit surplus to this thread as it stands, will bow out.

Love to everyone x

I read the thing about alcoholism from the Mayo Clinic, and there's a good thing called the Drinkulator. The Liver Trust has good information too.

I know what you mean about Me time and kids in bed and relaxation. Sometimes it's hard to do anything productive at the end of a tiring day.

You should be very proud of yourself. What kind of job is it you were going for?

Hey Teasle...WHY???????? I can assure you you're not. I need everyone of you!!!! If you miss the old thread, like everyone else, please keep posting, this thread needs you! I WILL hound you through MN.....

will try those links plonk thanks.

haven't heard anything...no news is good news, plonk it is project work for an enginnering co.

how is everyone else today?

OK found this info, which clears things up for me a little as I always wondered

"Alcohol abusers, or problem drinkers, are people who drink too much on a regular basis. The alcohol use is self-destructive or can present a danger to others, but they still demonstrate some ability to set limits and establish some measure of control over their drinking. While some people are able to maintain this pattern for a long amount of time, alcohol abusers are at risk for progressing to alcoholism. This might happen in response to a large stressful event, such as retirement or losing a job. Or it might gradually progress as tolerance to alcohol increases.

When alcohol abuse progresses to alcoholism, also called alcohol addiction or alcohol dependence, alcohol becomes essential to function. Alcoholic symptoms include a physical dependence on alcohol, and inability to stop despite severe physical and psychological consequences. Some alcoholics can hold down a job or appear to be functioning on the surface, but the drinking inevitably leads to impaired job performance and troubled relationships."

So on that info I would be an alcohol abuser rather than dependent. I 'limit' myself to 1 bottle a night (and yessss far too much). However and that is a BIG however, I have noticed that my amount is creeping up and up and the problem I think I would have is the increasing amount rather than a stressful event throwing me into dependency. I have kinda known this deep down, whcih is why I want to get a handle on it now.

If the amount you are drinking is creeping up, you can probably make it creep down. I've just bought some little bottles of wine, which at least mean that I can finish the bottle without feeling too bad. I can even drink 2 bottles without feeling too bad. People DO manage to cut down successfully and certainly not all heavy drinkers become dependent.

A bottle of wine is quite a lot. Could you have instead 2x25cl bottles instead?

Are you able to do something else in the evening? Or something else very early in the morning? I find that sometimes having the next day to think about stops me a bit, or having something to do like reading a book or making something easy!

It takes a bit of effort to break a habit, but I think it can be done.

I'm in a pretty similar boat, and don't want to be out of control and abusing alcohol because I can't see another way out. It's such a bad feeling. Everyone who drinks has some kind of relationship with booze, and if it's not that great, perhaps it's not such a good place to be. It's like having friends who don't like us

Plonk

I see what you mean...but creep down, problem is I would KNOW I'm doing this. SO I would feel all puffed up with victory one day and the next day I would think 'ok well I had less than my quota last night so can make up tonight'

I would be the classic binge drinker (if you can be drinking the amount I do anyway?) if I only drank at the w/e's. I certainly was when I was younger (only drank socially).

I can look back at my problematic drinking from the time when I was 10? and found a Harveys Bristol Cream in the top cupboard. I took a sup of that and really enjoyed the 'fuzzy' feeling of drinking it. Evil evil stuff.

That fuzzy feeling often only lasts for the 1st drink or 2. After that, it is the heady business of getting drunk! It is the start of the losss of control. I know what you mean about the sense of victory with cutting down. It passes. I've found that too.

I have a friend who's a binge drinker and she's stopped for about a month at the moment. If you manage to talk yourself into drinking that bit less, you will get better at it. (A neuroscientist friend told me about that)

I am horrified at how much I used to drink and am a bit of a lightweight compared to then, but even so, when I get drunk, I get trollied and I wake up feeling as though the world should swallow me up chewing as it goes.

I'm off to my first CBT 'How to be Happier' just now. I'll report back later.