How much alcohol is too much for you or your partner?

[merrygoround]

I am unbelievably fed up of this subject but the issue of how much is too much drink is dominating my life again. Just thought I'd see if anyone would be kind enough to post a reply so that I have a sense of how much variation there might be in peoples' views.

Two pieces of info would help.

1. Do you take any notice of "recommended units" when deciding how much to drink? Whether yes or no for yourself, does it affect how you react to your dp's drinking? If not, at what point do you feel your dp has had "too much", and find it winds you up?
2. Do you or your dp ever drink (and if so, how would you know when you've reached thelimit)when you are looking after your child(ren)? Or only when they are in bed?

My dp drinks 3 times the recommended amount on a weekly basis, with no day off. Something has to change or else I am going to split up with him, as I simply cannot live with it any more. Sometimes I feel like I have gone mad, and that my standards are unreasonable - I do take note of recommended amounts, but am not sure how much use they are when trying to convince someone that they drink too much. For my dp those limits look miniscule.

Sorry, not trivialising.

You're DH drinks alot!

What do you think he'll say about your list? You know him best.

Toothache LOL!! (And boy do I need it!)

DH is up at 5am tomorrow so is sleeping. I'm drinking alone! Is that a whole new ball game or what?

Well I'm not alone... I'm Mumsnetting!!

mutter mutter, excuses excuses

Toothache I honestly don't know what he'll say. I think he knows it is crunch time, so I suspect he will accept at least some of it. What I don't know is how capable he is of cutting down. I thought I'd start by not asking him to change for one whole month, during which he does this diary thing. Maybe just seeing what he is spending for example will help.

It is always makes me feel so embarrassed when people are sort of shocked by how much he drinks, then I feel guilty for being so uptight about it. Guess the first thing I have to do is accept how I feel.

Merrygoround - FWIW I don't think you're being uptight at all! He is drinking too much and sounds like he's quite dependant on it. This might be a wake up call for him. Afterall, I didn't realise I was addicted to cigarettes until I couldn't get to the shops for 24 hrs!!! That gave me a real fright, but it took that for me to see how controlling the need for nicotine was.

You have NOWT to be embarassed about!

So...44 pints a week approx. which must cost at least £75. Then maybe 7 packets of fags at a £5 a go....£35 then.
Ok, to be moderate, lets say £400 a month is going on fags 'n booze.
I would be f* furious.

Think you've got every right to be uptight, tbh.

He drinks loads. And if he didn't have a major problem, if you said to him tomorrow "don't drink anything until Monday" he'd have a turn!

Seriously, if you forced him to stay in and didn't have booze in the house, do you think he'd have DT's? 3 days off in 9 years sounds pretty serious to me - my guess is that he's at the stage where cutting down will lead to some withdrawal symptoms.

And £400 a month - that's my mortgage and childcare costs together!

£400 per month is excessive. I suppose that depends on your income though. We probably spend that on drinking, smoking(DH) and meals out, but with the family. That's our entertainment budget. But thats very self indulgent of your DH!

Agree with Caligua that he may have physical limitations to how quickly he cuts down. Would he seek medical advice (a long shot I know!!)?

Agree with Toothache, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your dp is a grown man, as I said to my xh - it was like looking after two babies and only one real one in the house.

He has to take responsibility for what he is doing to himself, his body, his family and you.

Agree that at this stage he should take advice from an agency or be referred by the doctor as cutting it out so suddenly could be detrimental. Cutting down gradually would be the safer option.

And his drinking isn't just unhealthy, but it's at dangerous levels. So you mustn't unjustified in your concerns.

Got back tonight from a lovely stress free weekend at my mums (dp at home, just me and dd). Dp picked an argument with me within 10 minutes of my return, and I think used it to try and go to the pub in a huff after he put dd to bed. Bearing in mind he had the weekend to himself, was out on Friday night and also in the pub on Thursday in a hump, I had expected a bit of quality time. I told him that if he went out I was going to lock the door on him. Normally I never do that sort of thing, but today it seemed eminently reasonable, and a lot of that is down to the things I've read here. He was mad of course, but trapped himself by ranting about how he had no choices - of course he had no reply when I asked what choice I had if he was going out. That shut him up.

I suppose my list of "demands" have rattled him, although when I gave them to him he seemed quite OK. I am very close to breaking point. Tomorrow I am going to ring up to chase the counselling.

I have one question - a couple of posters have mentioned that cutting booze out with his level of intake could be dangerous (and I read that on alchohol concern website too). But I don't know if that refers to cutting it out completely, or might even apply to one day. I can imagine he would have serious withdrawal symptoms.

TBH, after a weekend away from it all I feel pretty unconvinced that there is much hope. If it weren't for dd I would have asked him to leave tonight.

I feel happier with myself when I don't drink - it's usually stress that makes me feel like drinking and in my case drinking is not the answer. I would prefer that my dp did not drink and am less tolerant of him drinking than if I were drinking more myself. However, dp has a more healthy mental relationship with alcohol than me.

Could your dp take a month completely off drinking? This is a good idea if you are a big drinker & is long enough to see how different things are without alcohol. Put the money saved in cash each day in a pot and spend on a treat. How much money would you save over a month?

Posy, the problem is that at dp's level of consumption stopping even for a small period could be dangerous. No way would (or could) he ever stop for a month! Of course i'd love it but I have to be realistic.

Last year kicking him out was traumatic and I thought it was the most awful thing I could do. Right now it looks positively attractive. I'm feeling quite strong in myself and need to keep that at all costs. Means staying calm and focussed, not tearful and aggressive.

for me 2-3 glasses is really pissed and silly dp is a recovering alcoholic so even a sniff is o good for him

For me, more than about 3 glasses of wine.

For dh, about the same.

Neither of us drinks much at all so it doesn't take much!

Merry - would dp agree that it is not responsible to drink so much - either financially or for his long term health?

When I was younger and used to go out with my friends I drunk from Thurs-Sun and could drink while getting ready then all night while out on the town.
Since having dd I have hardly drunk at all and my tolerance level has taken such a nose dive. I had two glasses of wine at dinner this afternoon, then felt ill and slept for three hours.
I hate getting older.

ps - I'm 28!!

For anyone who is interested, I rang Drinkline (0800 917 82 82, 24 hours I think - provides info and advice, but not counselling) today, and the person I spoke to thought that even one day without drink would induce quite severe withdrawal symptoms in dp. She recommended either cutting down by 10% every week, or getting medical assistance to cut it out completely for a while, before drinking again in a controlled way.

They also gave me a number for a local counselling service for "significant others" of drinkers, which should be able to give me telephone counselling quite soon so that I can keep myself supported in what could be a stressful period. Feel so relieved to have done something else to support myself. The bad news was that our couple counselling is not likely to start again in the near future, so I rang another counselling agency who sounded hopeful that they could help within a month. Fingers crossed. I feel that I need loads of support to stop myself getting into "fix him" mode. It really is not my job to fix him, let alone that I couldn't anyway, but it becomes an obsession - and that way drink is ruling BOTH our lives.

Am pleased to hear that you are getting a bit of support - it must be very hard for you

Merrygoround - Well done for looking out for yourself in this. I hope he appreciates you and hopefully he will embrace the challenge!

Good for you merrygoround.
XXXX

Can't sleep! Thought I'd let you know that dp told me that he agrees with everything on my list! He admitted that his drinking has "crept up" to levels that are too high. Well that's a start. He says he is not going to cut down just for me, although my feelings are a factor.

So all v positive so far. I have heard a lot of promises from him on this subject over the years so am not getting too excited though. He's agreed to keep the drinks diary, which could be really helpful. I'm especially hoping it shows him just how much he really spends, as the next subject I have to tackle is his lack of reality about money.

All sounds promising Merrygoround, but I'm sure you're taking it all with a pinch of salt since he has previously demonstrated his lack of reliability. I can totally empathise with that... not with alcohol but wiht many issues in DH's and my life. The words are a start, but it's actions that really truly matter.
I hate feeling as though I'm being told what I want to hear. ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTION!!

Good luck with it all. You are going about this absolutely the right way. Keep up the support for yourself and I'm sure he will follow through.

Thank you Toothache. I've lost count of the number of times I've said "actions speak louder than words" to dp. Nothing else matters.

The drink diary starts today. For once I won't have to guess how much he's had, or ask him and feel intrusive.

Hi Merrygoround.

I remember talking to you about a year ago about your dp's drinking. Have often wondered how you'd got on. Sorry that things haven't improved, but hopefully the things you are doing are a step in the right direction.