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Original poster

My dad is dying .......is anyone around to support me please.....

54 replies

lisalisa · 14/01/2009 23:51

This message is so painful to type.

My dad has had a rare type of blood cancer for about 4 years.He has so far managed to fight it with a minimal type chemo but now has to go on a much more aggressive therapy. the side effects are pretty bad in a healthy person and my dad has other complications.

the consultant has more or less said that this is his last shot. the remission rate seems to be about 6-12 months and then that;s it. The consultant has also said that it may not work at all and he may not go into remission . Then its just a few weeks/months.

It's all a big shock as for the last 4 years we've hardly felt it as dad has been so well and its all been controlled with these tablets.

He's a wonderful dad. I feel as if my heart is actually breaking inmy chest.Even though I have a dh and 5 lovely children and a mum I feel bereft - as if I am left all alone inthis world and that dad can't possibly die. I don't know how I'm going to cope with all this.

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/01/2009 23:53

Lisa I am so sorry

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 23:55

Oh gosh i am so sorry for you, and your dad

Tinker · 14/01/2009 23:56

Oh Lisa, am so sorry.

badassmarthafocker · 14/01/2009 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibear1 · 14/01/2009 23:58

Oh Lisa I am so sorry for you

solo · 14/01/2009 23:58

I hear you loud and clear Lisa. My dad is also dying of cancer. It is a dreadful disease in any form.

You sound pretty close to your dad as am I and I'm sure that you have a life time of memories in your heart with him. Hold on to the love and life if you can and try to make more good memories, even if your dad has limitations due to his illness.
I'm probably not helping at all, but please know that you are so not alone...
Stay as strong as you can.x

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:00

I dont hafe any brothers or sisters.

My dad is responsbile fro makeing me what i am today. He is funny, brave, political, kind , symopathetic and overall just a great dad. He worked hard in a factory all his life and moonlighted as a mini cab driver just so he could put clothes on my back and afford tutors for me so i could get good results and go to univeristy. he used to stand and cheer me on when i played football and took me pond fishing when I had a craze for that. When I used to swim for my county he got up every morning at 5.00am to take me to the pool for 6.00am and then to school and then went to his factory all day. Althgyh he never had the benefit of an educatino he was self educated and a genius. he explained it all to me - space and time , the stars, how things and life work. when i was studying for o levels he would test me patiently night after night becoming an expert hismelf on things he knew nothing about.

he is quite simply my world. and he cannot die.

OP posts:

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:01

thank yo9u solo -i feel for you too.i cannot stop sobbing. he can't die.

OP posts:

Tinker · 15/01/2009 00:01

He sounds wonderful Lisa.

Molesworth · 15/01/2009 00:02

He sounds like a lovely man - I'm so sorry lisa

VinegarTits · 15/01/2009 00:05

That was a beautiful and admirable description of your dad Lisa, you actually made me sob

MrsSeanBean · 15/01/2009 00:05

What terrible news for you. I am so sorry and really feel for you so very much. Just try to treasure every day with your dad and remember the good times. Oh I'm sorry - that will probably sound so crass. I have never lost a parent and can't imagine what you are going through. Just want to send you my sympathy. Dads are so special.
xx

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:05

Just feel like getting it all out - i can't sleep. he's always been my rock - always there for me - never shouted at me ,never judged , always acepting . So many memories of dad cheering for me, dad raising his champagne glass at my graduation, dad with his newborn grandchild crying with emotion, dad hearing that stupid doctor tell him 4 years ago that he had 6 months to 5 years left and still be polite and refined . Dad at my wedding - smiling and so proud. My news always goes to dad first, when my kids get good results or do something funny its always dad who knows first. How can he go? how/

OP posts:

kayzr · 15/01/2009 00:09

Lisa I am so so sorry. He sounds wonderful, try to remember the good times and try to make some new memories with him.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/01/2009 00:10

Lisa, how awful for you I lost my mum a few years ago. like your dad she fought her illness for years, so that when the end was coming it was hard for us all. The one thing that made it aesier for me was a conversation I had with my mum (actually the last lucid conversation I had with my mum ) where she sat me down and made me discuss the fact that she was going to die- soon. I REALLY didn't want to hear it, but in the days and weeks after her death, the things she said really helped me come to terms with her dying. My dad still can't come to terms with it- he refused to hear anything at the time apart from blind optimism, and still thinks there must have been "something we could have done"

I took a lot of strength from the things my mum told me in that conversation, and I got to say a lot of things I am glad I had the chance to, although it left me broken-hearted.

I understand your feelings about your dad. Another way I tried to come to terms with the unfairness of it all was to look at the amazing, strong, special, wonderful woman that was my mum, and ask myself if I would have preferred someone else's mum, who could live till she was 97, or to have my very unique and fantastic mum for the years I did (she was only 55). There was no question. Doesn't make it any easier, I know, but somehow it helped to think that I hadn't got such a rough deal after all.

I have no siblings either, and it is at times like this that you wish you did. I'm sure you will find lots of support and compassion on here. Really wishing you well.

MrsSeanBean · 15/01/2009 00:11

You must be heart broken. Try to stay strong for your Dad though. I'm just trying to imagine how I would cope if I were in your shoes, and I think I would have a good cry and be unbelieveing, like you. But mainly I would want to make sure my Dad knew how very special he was (your Dad sounds like the best btw), how you appreciate him, how you are who you are because of what he did etc etc. You can remember the good times together. I'm so sorry if I'm talking insensitively, I am not very good at this sort of thing. I am so sorry for what you are going through though. xx

ClementFreudsGreatestAdmirer · 15/01/2009 00:14

he sounds so lovely. what an example to have in your life. i don't know what to say, but my dad and my mum both had time when they were dying to show me they were ok with it, and that taught me that i could have their dignity too. i hope the same is true for you, it has given me great comfort in the subsequent years. and i still tell my mum everything first, and its even easier than it used to be as i don't have to pick up the phone. you won't be able to imagine life in the future now, but you will get there and one day you'll be looking back from my position. it's a major part of growing up - i've only felt like a real adult since my parents died. I don't know if this is helpful or quite the opposite - sorry if not.

VinegarTits · 15/01/2009 00:17

You must tell him all the things you put in your post, about how you are the person you are because of him, he sounds truely wonderful

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:17

Thank you everyone.

Joolyjoo and mrs sean bean - i'm scared to have that kind of conversation with dad - where we acknowledge he's dying. I know I'll bawl and dad will too. Up to now, he's tryied to shield me from it as much as possible by telling me he feels fine and that the tablets he was on before were working , not to worry - which they were. We always knew the disease couldn't be cured but one thing they say about what he's got ( waldenstroms) is that people often die with it rather than from it becuase its so slow growing. However once it gets going that's when trouble starts.

Joolyjoo - your mum sounds fantastic and I really feel for what you have gone through. your post makes 100% sense to me - that must have been a very hard and painful conversation you had. I know its somehting i need to say to dad too so he knows just how much I appreicate him and what he's done for me .

I don't know whether to have this conversation with him before the chemo begins ( due to very bad side effects and possiblity of it being fatal from first dose) or leave it until later. I don't think I can do it before the chemo .....

OP posts:

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:20

vinegartits - thank you for your posts too - your name has actually made me smile a little bit too.

you're all right - i will have that chat with him at some point to let him know how much he means to me. I can't bear to see him suffer - my poor brave dad.

OP posts:

solo · 15/01/2009 00:21

Jooly, you made me cry...

It is a wonderful thing to have wonderful parent/s. If you are blessed, then you are very lucky. Lisa, it sounds as though you have been especially blessed how wonderful. I too am blessed and it probably makes the inevitable loss even harder to shoulder. I'm not sure that your dad living a healthy life until he was a 103 would make losing him any easier for you, I know it wouldn't for me.
I will say a prayer for you and your lovely dad.

How is your mum coping Lisa?

ClementFreudsGreatestAdmirer · 15/01/2009 00:22

you don't have to have an explicit conversation. i never did. but our mutual acceptance of the facts formed the background to our everyday conversations. i often think about my dad hugging me round my pregnant tummy and i knew he was sending a message to my ds. i've told him recently (he's 9 now) but so far he hasn't been able to reveal the secret!

MrsSeanBean · 15/01/2009 00:23

Lisa, maybe you can approach it indirectly by looking through some old photos and the like? It must be so hard for you. Take it a day at a time. Your dad may want to talk too and give you a lead. But he is still your Dad and you are his little girl who he obviously loves so much - can you just tell him what you have told us on here? No need to talk about dying as such, but just that his illness has made you think about all this...?

MrsSeanBean · 15/01/2009 00:27

Lisa, I am off to bed now. Will say a prayer for you and your Dad too. Hope you manage some sleep. x

thumbwitch · 15/01/2009 00:29

lisalisa am so for you - and your dad too.
It's a hideous thing to go through but make the most of your time together - my mum died 2 summers ago of cancer, and we only knew 8 days before she died that she was going to.

Sadly her last week she spent on a ventilator so she couldn't even talk to us, although we could talk to her of course. If only we had known before she went onto the ventilator that she wouldn't be able to come off it alive, it would have made such a difference to what use I would have made of our time together.

My dad now has prostate cancer but it is being managed well - still, it is there and that means he probably has a shorter lifespan now than if he didn't have it - I am and always was closer to my Dad and feel much the same way you do, I can't bear the thought of him not being there.

All I can say is, you will survive it, it will be tough but make sure you have good memories and say everything you need to say, including how special he is to you.

(((hugs))) to you (very un-MN but I don't care)

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