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Original poster

My dad is dying .......is anyone around to support me please.....

54 replies

lisalisa · 14/01/2009 23:51

This message is so painful to type.

My dad has had a rare type of blood cancer for about 4 years.He has so far managed to fight it with a minimal type chemo but now has to go on a much more aggressive therapy. the side effects are pretty bad in a healthy person and my dad has other complications.

the consultant has more or less said that this is his last shot. the remission rate seems to be about 6-12 months and then that;s it. The consultant has also said that it may not work at all and he may not go into remission . Then its just a few weeks/months.

It's all a big shock as for the last 4 years we've hardly felt it as dad has been so well and its all been controlled with these tablets.

He's a wonderful dad. I feel as if my heart is actually breaking inmy chest.Even though I have a dh and 5 lovely children and a mum I feel bereft - as if I am left all alone inthis world and that dad can't possibly die. I don't know how I'm going to cope with all this.

OP posts:

solo · 15/01/2009 00:30

Lisa, have your chat first. Chemo can make people so sick, that once he's having that treatment, he may not feel up to talking much.
Yes, you'll likely both cry your eyes out, but it'll also feel good ~ something that just you and he are sharing. I'm sure he'll appreciate it from his little girl...A real 'father and daughter' moment

I want to have a chat with my dad too...about what he wants at his funeral and I keep putting it off as it feels so insensitive, but his treatment has done nothing and he is very ill, so I know I must soon...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/01/2009 00:36

I know what you mean, Lisa- I don't think I'd necessarily have had the stomach to have that conversation with my mum, but she was having none of it, and insisted, and was very matter of fact (but gentle). Like your dad, she lived with illness for a long number of years (lupus), but the last few months were awful for her. She told me that she wasn't scared at all to die. The only thing that scared her was unrelenting pain. she said she knew it would be peaceful (it was), and that she would always be with me (she is)

My fil also died young, of cancer, and he spent a lot of time talking to me about it, as most of his family didn't want to. Sometimes you find they want to talk about it, but find it a difficult subject to broach, so I'd take your lead from your dad and let any conversation like that develop naturally. It is a horrible time, but I think sometimes accepting that someone is going to die is the hardest part- and fundamental to being able to deal with it. How is your mum doing with it all?

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:37

thank you everyone.can't post anything sensible for crying. i just feel that he just can't die. he's the only one who knows the reall me - frombaby hood tillnow - dh and kids just know me really in one role. Ifeel as if I'm going to lose part o fmy past.
Mum is ok for now. She is having an op on her foot sunday night and won't be able to walk for 7 weeks. her worry is that dad will get very ill before they begin teh chemo - for some reason he has to wait 7 weeks coincidentally before he can start - something to do with fact that his levels have to reach a certain point before they can begin. The consultant has told dad there is a significant possiblity that he will get ill beofre the 7 week point and if so to come in striaght away for treatment. As mum won't be able to walk and dad must be at home ( so as not to be near any infections etc as this treatment targest teh immune system) this will be very hard. I've told them I'm there and will move in with dad if necessary ( they can't come here as i have 5 dcs and I'm too scared one will get sick and give it to dad - there's somuch flu and colds around and constulatnt says once he has this drug even a cold could prove fatal for about 2 months afterwarfds.)

OP posts:

twinsetandpearls · 15/01/2009 00:39

I am sorry and will think of you in my prayers, I hope one day my dd describes me with as much affection as you do with your father.

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:41

thumbwitch - I'm so sorry for you losing your mum

joolyjoo - yes I will take my lead fromdad - that is a good idea.

solo - I'msorry that you areinthis situation too

I think what makes it worse is taht dh and i have a fairlydifficult relationship. We are quite different adn not terribly close emotionally. Neither are mum and I althouhg I love her dearly. My dad and i are like 2 peas in a pod - he is the person in my life who I repsect the most , honour greatly and would most which to emulate. To lose that is too painful to contemplate. I then lose the only person really in the world who truly undersands me and I feel accepted by.

OP posts:

lilolilmanchester · 15/01/2009 00:42

what a difficult time for you, so sorry to hear your news. Nothing really anyone can say but just know there are people here to listen when you need them xxx

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/01/2009 00:45

It sounds like you are going to have a bit of running about to do, lisa Try to look after yourself, and offload onto RL friends/ your dp/ us- don't try to be superwoman. there are a lot of ifs and maybes at times like these, and you could drive yourself mad trying to plan in advance- try to concentrate on the immediate things.

I'm off to bed now, but I will be thinking of you, and will check your thread tomorrow. I wish I could do or say more to ease your pain, but I can't . Goodnight.

(and solo, best wishes to you too- sorry to make you cry . And sorry about your dad too . Why can't parents live forever?)

ClementFreudsGreatestAdmirer · 15/01/2009 00:46

you are facing a very difficult time. just know that there will be a time when it becomes better, as well, when you will find that you carry your dad inside your thoughts, precisely because you are so close right now. It's very very sad, and yet it happens to everyone, and people keep putting one foot in front of the other. thinking of you tonight. i must go to bed.

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:49

Some more about my dad - for some reason I find it therepeutic just getting it all down......

Dad learning to surf with me in cornwall as he didn't want me to go in the sea alone to try when i was 11. Dad really listening to me when i was being bullied at high school at 13 years old and taking into account my feelings ( which were terribly fragile and battered) at how i wanted it dealt with. Dad buying my favourite comic throughout the years which I would wait for and then lay on our big shaggy white rug in teh hall and spread out and read it. First it was Jinty, then patches and then photo love.

Dad going into the psychiatry department of the hospital where mum was admitted for 6 weeks when I was only 3 years old to ask whether this would permenatly affect me and how to deal with it and being told:" If you needed to come and ask , your daughter will be fine with a dad like you, don't worry". Dad taking me to the golden egg restuarant near to teh hospital for supper after we visted mum and allowing me a creamy desert which mum didn't usually allow. Dad learnign to cook when mum hospitalised for longer when i was a young child - about 5 or 6 - so I didn't suffer nutrition wise from teh take aways that he'd otherwise live in . I remember his fabulous cottage pie and roast chicken but most of all I remember him pateintly stirring whatever it was with an apron on and a big smile . I now appreciate what a sacrifice it was having been stood on his feet in a factory all day since 6.00am.

Dad giving me pocket money, dad ( and mum) not going on holiday one year jsut so that I could go on a school trip.

if I am one quar4ter the parent dad is ( and I know that I am not) I will consider myself a good mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:52

Thank you joolyjoo.

Clements - you are right I knowe - its just that the pain is so big at the moment its actually hurting inside my chest if you see what I mean. I can't imagine ever accepting this. i want to be 6 years old again sitting on my dad's knee.

OP posts:

solo · 15/01/2009 00:53

Think of his eventual passing as a physical thing. We all die in the physical sense, but we all live on in various ways. Your dad will live on in your heart. He will be with you always. The support and sacrifice he gave to you during your dependant life will be something you will no doubt pass on to your own children, so there again, you dad lives on. It is truly a cycle and the fact that for you, your dad started a wonderful cycle of life, love and family. Lots of people only dream of such a relationship.
Take care and take comfort knowing that you have something very special and it will be with you forever.
I'm for bed, but will come back here tomorrow.

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 00:55

Thank you solo. Your words are very special and caring. I hope one day I can give you teh same level of caring and support. Wht you say is true as I do replicate my dad's parenting with my kids and that is a way of making him live on. thanks for being here with me tonight.

OP posts:

solo · 15/01/2009 00:59

Lisa, it seems that your life echos a lot of my own...my mum was in hospital several times(psychiatric)during my childhood...I remember my dad plaiting my hair! It kind of 'twisted round' somehow...Oh God, that's made me cry now remembering that!
I really must go to bed. Night.x

solo · 15/01/2009 01:01

You are so welcome and thank you too honey. It's very hard isn't it.

womblingfree · 15/01/2009 01:03

I'm so lucky to still have both my parents, so I feel a bit of a fraud trying to empathise, but...

...like you I'm an only child, v. different in outlook and interests to DH and Mum, and just today I described the relationship I have with my dad to a friend as 'two peas in a pod', so although I can't imagine what you are going through as such I know I would feel exactly the same.

I don't want to go on too much, but I will be thinking of you and praying for you and all your family and hoping that you get to spend as much (quality) time together as possible in the weeks and months ahead.

fortyplus · 15/01/2009 01:09

lisalisa you're putting your feelings into words so eloquently that you should print this thread off for your dad
At least you will have some more time with him to talk to him about all those special times.

My dad was my rock and died nearly 5 years ago. He had a stroke and died 3 weeks later. We only had a few days before he was too ill to speak.

Dads are so special and I don't think they always realise.

tiredsville · 15/01/2009 09:56

Sorry, I can't read all of these post as it's making me cry. Be strong for your dad Lisalisa, he is not going to want to see you upset, just letting him know how much you love and appreciate him will be great comfort for him.

pinkmook · 15/01/2009 09:59

Lisalisa - your dad sounds like an amazing man and this must just be horrific for you...sending you lots of love. xx

listenglisten · 15/01/2009 10:06

I loved your post about your dad learning surfing, cooking, buying your comics - he sounds like a really special man and you have some lovely memories of him already and hopefully the time to share a lot more yet.

xxx

TheShipsCat · 15/01/2009 10:14

LisaLisa - I am not sure whether to post or not, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for the news about your dad. My MIL died this morning (cancer), and your posts have helped me to understand a little about how DH might be feeling.

You mentioned further down whether to leave talking to him until after chemotherapy. From my experience with MIL, it's better to say anything you want say to say sooner rather than later. MIL didn't have as much time as the doctors had predicted - by some margin. We had a wonderful Christmas with her and didn't expect this to happen. I will be thinking of you, and have no real advice apart from to be with him as much as you can, and - as you are doing - to remember all the wonderful things about him. Best of luck for this horrible time.

Bucharest · 15/01/2009 10:18

lisalisa- sending you much love and strength, your posts shine with what a wonderful person your Dad is and what a wonderful person he has made you into through his nurturing. Keep copies of your own posts here, you'll look at them one day and be so proud.
Much much love to everyone else in this difficult situation as well.xx

drivinmecrazy · 15/01/2009 10:48

Lisalisa - I feel so very much for you. My Dad died in july after fighting cancer for 4 years. In the end, the chemo just stopped working and the cancer attacked his spine so within a week he was completely paralysed. he survived for 2 months following that.
But i consider myself really fortunate that we had those 4 years together knowing he wouldn't be here forever. We did things and savoured moments in a way we wouldn't of done if he had not had cancer. The memories myself and my DDs have of him are so strong and special because we knew that time was so precious with him.
You feel at the moment that you will never survive this, but you do. The strength that you will find will amaze you.
I never had a direct conversation with my Dad about him dying, I never felt the need particularly because his attitude was so strong. He told me once that he wouldn't contemplate death because that would mean he was waiting to die. He lived his life as fully as he could until the cancer caught up with him so cruelly in his last months.
But the memories I have, that he gave us, are so strong that I feel so blessed to have had that time with him.
Enjoy and savour every minute you are able to spend with him because it is these memories that will carry you through the months and years ahead.
So sorry so many of us have been through this awful experience, but we have survived and so will you.

Original poster

lisalisa · 15/01/2009 12:57

< whispers> I am at work now so can't post too much or read too much as its open plan here and i am very very wobbly. but I am reading all replies. thank you so much all of you for your wordds of comofort.

I am trying to get through to dad's consultant now to ask some of my quesitons which are going round and round in my head and then things should become a bit clearer for me.

OP posts:

bundle · 15/01/2009 13:59

lisalisa, I haven't been around much so had missed this. I'm so sorry

my dad died just over 2 years ago and it was hard, it still is in lots of ways. the love that your dad has given to you unconditionally and how he's helped to shape you into the person you are today will help you to get through this.

lots of love, xxx

solo · 15/01/2009 14:43

Just checking in Lisa, I hope you are ok today.x

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