Think my Dad may have HIV...

[cheekymonk]

My Dad is 58 and is currently bed bound. He has had a high temp, a rash all over him, very dry lips, has no appetite,wants to sleep all the time, the runs (Sorry tmi) and has been very unwell for over a week. He was admitted to hospital but they did loads of tests and could find nothing wrong.
He has not really been getting better although he did eat something last night.
My Mum (they are separated but mum has been caring for him along with his Mum) rang for his second blood test results which have shown "abnormalities".
My Mum then told doctor about the fact that Dad had sex outside of the marriage (this was with men but she did not say this bit). He then immediately booked her for HIV test today and they are now taking further blood sample from Dad today.
I am just trying to get my head around whole situation that feels surreal. I have just spoken to my Mum and now liver problems are also being mentioned. Every time I ring it is a different diagnosis. The results of both my Mum and Dad's HIV tests will be known on Friday.
Doctor has confirmed its definitely not Cancer but to me it could be anything and I feel like Mum has made a huge leap to the absolute worst possible scenario but it seems that Doc thinks it is very likely to be some kind of STD and has mentioned Syphilis too.
Mum has not been sexually active with Dad for about 5 years but I don't know when he was seeing these guys/how many/whether it was full sex (but I know you can catch stuff through Oral too). I have this feeling that she is fine but this awful sinking feeling about my Dad. She is really angry with him and feels like her life is in the balance, understandably.
We haven't told my sister about thinking it might br HIV as she is hysterical as it is but I feel like I need to be the rock of the family but it is all so messed up. I have been in a daze today but am trying to be strong for ds (he's 3.5) as dh away with Navy.
A part of me is angry with Mum with raking it all up when it might br irrelevant but perhaps that is denial on my part. The poor woman has suffered enough and maintained a marriage of convenience for years but she just keeps saying "now you can see what I have had to put up with" like I should copletely ostracise him when in truth I am so scared that he is dying...
I just don't know what to do or think...
btw I live 3 hours from home hence all guesswork/phonecalls.

What a horrible wait for you all until Friday.

It is a long wait. My Mum is beside herself. I asked her to come down but she wants to ride it out as she has work etc. Yes she is def on the generation where you don't talk about this sort of thing and has already said if it is HIV (god Forbid) we tell people it is something else
Mum doesn't even want me to talk to dh about it but I have(luckily we still have phone contact otherwise I would go out of my mind). I just want to cry and cry and cry.
Thanks both x

Try not to be angry with your mum. From what I can see your mum will hopefully get some peace of mind from a negative diagnoses - likewise your father. if it is positive for either of them then there are treatments available and your father might get better.

Chances are slim of it being the cause and yet with homosexual activity the odds are higher.

Please don't be cross with your mum. Imagine if you were in your DM shoes, and your partner might had behaved as your father had.

What a sad situation all round.

Good luck for Friday.

I know I am trying to have some grace with my Mum and I do feel so sorry for her. As she said she worshipped my Dad for years and years but he never noticed until she stopped. She has also hasd sex outside the marriage but with the same one person who of course she is also worrying about. What a mess. Thanks Flossish.

If you need someone outside of the family to talk to, if he does get a diagnosis on Friday, try the Terrence Higgins Trust - they are a font of all wisdom.

www.tht.org.uk/

I was just going to link to Terence Higgins Trust too - they have a map you can click on for various services around the UK

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Yes I did have a brief look at the website but found it all a bit much. I also don't know how much Dad knows. I'm sure you have to give your consent for a test so he must know. He was asleep when I rang earlier today.

Have been looking at NHS websites and it could be Hep B, the symptoms are similar...
If he is positive it won't change my feelings towards him but I know it will absolutely blow our already very fragmented family apart. I honestly don't know if anyone else will stand by him.
Mum had a hysterectomy this year and both Doc and I said that she wouldn't have made the brilliant recovery that she did if she had had something as serious as HIV. I really really believe that she is ok. If they are both positive then...i don't know.
I keep thinking that death from HIV related infections and illnesses is really slow and painful but I should take ne step at a time, I know.

have just spoken to Mum and Doctor has also mentioned liver malfunction in my Dad which could mean Hep B but it is all still guessing.
Mum actually requested HIV test, it was not Doctor suggestion as I had thought. Am hoping that Mum has jumped to worst conclusion and got it wrong...

cheekymonk, I just wnted to post to reassure you, as someone with a family member who is HIV possitive, that the drugs these days are very very good and there is no reason, if either of your parents is HIV positive, they they can't lead an almost perfectly normal full life.

There is also not the stigma attached to it that there once was.

Hopefully they are just ruling out the worst case scenario now though.

thoughts for you cheekymonk - is there some one qualified in this who you can talk to

it so hard when you don;t have any facts to go on but IIRC HIV is the least infectious of the STD's and therefore the least likely answer.

It sounds like you mum has had a lot to put up with particularly if she is from a generation who doesn;t talk about this kind of thing. But equally your poor Dad has had a lot to put up with - he may have been unhappy for many years as a gay man living a lie.

I don;t htink there's much you can do at the moment except wait for results and take things as they come - one day at a time.

Kerry HIV doesn't survive outside the body for very long at all. Sheets will pose no risk whatsoever.

No, the virus still wouldn't survive outside the body, even in the diarhoea, for more than a few minutes.

Hep C survives for a week, HIV is more fragile and only an hour max I've heard. It cannot be transmitted in diarrhoea. Click here for a site about the HIV virus and how it can be transmitted.

Hugs to you Cheekymonk, and don't worry, really, there isn't the stigma these days and drugs are pretty good at keeping viral load down.

Hope you can talk with someone in RL?

Yes, quite, kerry, but I don't think anyone need worry about touching the sheets of someone who is HIV+, even if they have diahorea on them. The risk is just too low. I think dealing with it in the same way as dealing with any soiled sheets will be precaution enough.