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Original poster

Think my Dad may have HIV...

56 replies

cheekymonk · 07/10/2008 17:48

My Dad is 58 and is currently bed bound. He has had a high temp, a rash all over him, very dry lips, has no appetite,wants to sleep all the time, the runs (Sorry tmi) and has been very unwell for over a week. He was admitted to hospital but they did loads of tests and could find nothing wrong.
He has not really been getting better although he did eat something last night.
My Mum (they are separated but mum has been caring for him along with his Mum) rang for his second blood test results which have shown "abnormalities".
My Mum then told doctor about the fact that Dad had sex outside of the marriage (this was with men but she did not say this bit). He then immediately booked her for HIV test today and they are now taking further blood sample from Dad today.
I am just trying to get my head around whole situation that feels surreal. I have just spoken to my Mum and now liver problems are also being mentioned. Every time I ring it is a different diagnosis. The results of both my Mum and Dad's HIV tests will be known on Friday.
Doctor has confirmed its definitely not Cancer but to me it could be anything and I feel like Mum has made a huge leap to the absolute worst possible scenario but it seems that Doc thinks it is very likely to be some kind of STD and has mentioned Syphilis too.
Mum has not been sexually active with Dad for about 5 years but I don't know when he was seeing these guys/how many/whether it was full sex (but I know you can catch stuff through Oral too). I have this feeling that she is fine but this awful sinking feeling about my Dad. She is really angry with him and feels like her life is in the balance, understandably.
We haven't told my sister about thinking it might br HIV as she is hysterical as it is but I feel like I need to be the rock of the family but it is all so messed up. I have been in a daze today but am trying to be strong for ds (he's 3.5) as dh away with Navy.
A part of me is angry with Mum with raking it all up when it might br irrelevant but perhaps that is denial on my part. The poor woman has suffered enough and maintained a marriage of convenience for years but she just keeps saying "now you can see what I have had to put up with" like I should copletely ostracise him when in truth I am so scared that he is dying...
I just don't know what to do or think...
btw I live 3 hours from home hence all guesswork/phonecalls.

OP posts:
seeker · 08/10/2008 11:03

You don't have to take any special precautions with HIV - just the precautions that you would take when dealing with anyone with a potentially infectious illness. Hep B is much more infectious than HIV - but you can protect yourself using basic hygiene precautions.

Do get in touch with the Terence Higgins Trust, cheekymonk - there are some brilliant people there.

mangolassi · 08/10/2008 11:10

Chipmonk, it may not be HIV anyway, but it sounds to me like your mum has wanted to do the test for a long time and been too worried about the stigma/ just unsure about how to go about it. Fingers crossed for you, I really hope the outcome is good - and then your mum's mind will have been put at rest, too.

nailpolish · 08/10/2008 11:10

"Note Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications, experience, or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk and cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you have any serious medical concerns we would urge you to consult your GP."

just to stress this which is written at the top of this page

mangolassi · 08/10/2008 11:12

sorry about mangling your name cheekymonk - got distracted by HIV?other STD precautions wrangling

Litchick · 08/10/2008 12:29

This happened to my friend ( she had always known her DP was bi ). It turned out that the virus was non life threatening but she was still very glad to have 'forced' the issue vis a vis HIV which had obviously been worrying her for some time.
I hope this truns out to be something similar for you and both your parents.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 08/10/2008 16:27

Thanks all. Have just been talking to Mum and sister constantly. Doctor took blood test yesterday from Dad stating it was due to liver but Dad has not even contemplated it is an STD.
Results friday pm. Will post on here when I can as you have all been so good.
Mum was panicking as she had cleaned Dad's teeth for him while he has been ill...
Still results will put it all straight.
hurry up Friday I say.

OP posts:
KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 08/10/2008 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flossish · 09/10/2008 11:42

I'll be working tomorrow so won't get to post but good luck with the results. If the results are positive then there will be lots of people to answer all of your questions. I wouldn't worry too much about all this other stuff at the moment, be cautious of course but no stressing as it most likely is all nothing.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 14:52

Thanks Flossish. My Mum seems to be really calm now and confident she is ok. She is coming to stay with me for weekend. Poor Dad doesn't really know what is going on. Mum broached the subject of Hep B being a possibility for him but he laughed it off, so will see what tomorrow brings.
I am stressed, have just eaten a whole bag of Kettle Chips (150g!!!) but I feel calmer now!

OP posts:
solidgoldskullonastick · 09/10/2008 14:57

I am a bit unsure about the ethics of all this, Cheekymonk. I appreciate it's a difficult time and all that but: your posts don't suggest that your Dad is in any way mentally impaired, so him being tested for HIV without his knowledge or consent, and his sex life being reported to doctors without his knowledge/consent just sounds dodgy and borderline illegal.

SaintGeorge · 09/10/2008 15:01

It would be unethical if the doctors told the wife details about his sex life that they had discovered.

It is not unethical, just common sense, for the information to travel the other way. To say it is borderline illegal is ridiculous. How the hell else are the doctors supposed to have a clear enough picture to treat him?

I hope they have some answers for you soon cheekymonk.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 15:11

Thank you solidgoldskullonastick. My initial reaction was one of complete shock at my Mum telling dr this and I wondered how relevant it was. He thought they lived together (which they don't, have been separated 18 months but all amicable). However when I checked website of symptoms they all matched up with symptoms of HIV so I came around to my Mum's way of thinking. However, these are symptoms of many things.
I don't know the truth behind my Dad's sexual history/antics (and why should I, its his business) but its hard when accusations fly around from my Mum. She has maintained that my Dad his happy for her to have house and for him to pay mortgage (as he lives with his mum). Mum sees it as some sort of pennance he should pay for everything he has put her through( supposed seedy sex in toilets with men etc)He did once give her an std which was how she found about about whole thing in the first place. This is truly awful and I can't imagine how angry that must make her.
To me though, Dad has suffered enough. He is still in love with my Mum and can't accept marriage is over. Mum feels he just is upset his cover of normality is blown and he can't hide his "gayness" behind her. He maintains he is not gay. He was sexually abused as a teenager so it all gets messier and messier.
Dad isn't mentally impaired at all but he hangs on my Mum's every word.
I agree I thought you had to give consent for test and I do feel my Mum's behaviour is controlling to say the least but at the end of the day they are my Mum and Dad and I love them both dearly despite the dysfunctionality of it all. I jsut want both results to come back clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 15:16

What I didn't get though was my sister rang to speak to same Doctor to get a clearer indication of what "abnormalities" actually meant (she is a Nurse) and he refused to tell her anything?! Thought this was strange after talking about it so in depth with my Mum...
He said she did right thing telling him about Dad's sexual history and that she had been very brave.

OP posts:
solidgoldskullonastick · 09/10/2008 15:28

I thought it was illegal to test someone for HIV without that person's knowledge and consent.

I am also concerned that there is at least a possibility that your mum may be lying about what your dad has done in the past and that this may affect what treatment he recieves.

daizydoo · 09/10/2008 15:39

Can I reiterate that if your dad does have HIV then finding out now will make the world of difference. The drugs are very effective on most people and some people make dramatic recoveries and the HIV then becomes a long term condition. The Dr probably sees your mum as your dads next of kin, therefore will not discuss your dad with anyone else. I hope that tomorrow goes well, I realise that this is a very difficult time for you all. [hug]

Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 15:45

I'll never know as you can't get a straight answer out of my Dad. My sister asked him straight if he had had sex with men and all he said is "well I haven't been anywhere for 10 days- how could I?" which does imply to me that he has at least done it but he is unwell at the moment as I said so may not be thinking clearly.
I also am defensive of my Dad as I have been very promiscuous in the past and was lucky enough to not catch anything (sometimes it was safe but I can't hand on heart say it was every time as too drunk)so there but for the grace of God and all that. We both have a self destructive side to our personality. My Mum has said a few times that "he has chosen this path" about being gay/having flings and I think well does that mean you think he deserves whatever he gets but it is different for me as his daughter and not the wife of someone who has cheated on me and supposedly given me stds.
Its hard to get to the facts of the situation in all honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 15:46

Thanks daizydoo x

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 09/10/2008 15:46

Im sure that you cannot test a patient for HIV without their consent.
When I had a needlestick injury the patient had to be asked for consent.
You cannot do anything to a patient without consent, unless two doctors are in agreement that its in the patients best interest, and this is generally when the patient is either unable to give consent i.e. unconcious or are sectioned under the menatl health act. Im sorry I havent read all the thread so dont know if your dad falls into either of these catergories

WeLoveFabio · 09/10/2008 15:55

I'mreally sorry about this Cheeky

Last week I was in a right state as I was waiting for HIV results and everyone also told me not to be silly as it is still very rare.
It was negative, thank God...and I hope your Dad's is too.

The test only takes 20 minutes I was told by somebody - can't remember who - but it was someone medical. So if she can get the Dr to ring the lab it might even be in by now.
not sure how it all works tbh, but worth a try. xx

louii · 09/10/2008 16:07

Hope everything works out, what a situation for your family.

arthursmum · 09/10/2008 16:10

I can't offer any words of wisdom but my heart goes out to you and I hope the results on Friday are able to help your whole family move on and deal with whatever they tell you.

Keep eating the Kettle Chips!

Original poster
cheekymonk · 09/10/2008 21:40

Thanks arthursmum! Didn't have any tea so feel less guilty about the kettle chips now! Ds has nagged all day so have a banging head! WIll try to get good nights sleep so I can prepare and be strong for parents as needed tomorrow. Thank you all for your support xx

OP posts:
WeLoveFabio · 10/10/2008 06:49

Yes good luck cheeky xx we'll be around if you need us...

puppie · 10/10/2008 08:18

Errrr solidgoldskullonastick perhaps its a bit strong of you to suggest cheekymonk's mom might be lying? I realise you are offering advice but personally I wouldnt start making judgements about people you dont know. Cheekymonk good luck for today.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 10/10/2008 13:23

Hi All,
Have spoken to Mum and her results are CLEAR.
As for my Dad, well, according to his Mum she was not allowed in the room and his results didn't show anything either but they have taken a further blood sample.
He has now gone off, telling his Mum he's going to his council flat he's been renting but not yet living in.
She is cross as although he is much better she doesn't think he is well enough to be on his own!
Mum hasn't seen him and showed little concern about him or his results. She is rejoicing in her own clean bill which of course, I am relieved about.
I am very worried about my Dad. What if results weren't clear and he is doing something stupid? He can be such a loose canon. My sister is away and i can't get hold of him. His mobile is switched off.
I want to just take it on face value but I won't rest until I speak to him.
I'm at work too so my hands are tied!

OP posts: