i think i was attacked. i was drunk & can't remember. not feeling great

[superfrenchie1]

i rarely post on mn but i am so stressed about this i really need to get it off my chest. i am a wreck, shaking and shivering. sorry i will try to be as concise as possible. this is what happened to me last friday...

went out after work starting at 6pm, drank quite a lot (so did everyone else), no food, great time, got to about 11.30 and realised i was pretty drunk & wobbly and didn't need any more to drink so told a couple of colleagues and they helped me out to the cab rank (they were also v drunk) all my colleagues - i work for a very young company all aged 25 - 30 - stayed out til 2am, all very drunk. i am 29 btw and the only one with kids, not that that matters.

i remember being on the main road near my house having an argument, which is very unlike me - someone was being very aggressive and i was saying "stop! you'll kill me! i've got two little children!" that was at 1am. possibly because i had got into a cab without cash and asked the driver to stop at a cashpoint. (i did have cash and would have paid - it was payday, i had money and bank cards etc)

at 4am dp let me into our flat, he found me in the communal area with my jeans around my knees and covered in bruises and blood. turns out i have a broken cheekbone, cnojunctival haemmorhage, huge dark red black eye which is so swollen i can hardly open it, severe swelling and bruising - i look horrendous. nothing was missing / stolen.

feel so bad that my kids had to see me this way. i don't go out that often; this was a rare work night out, i had a great time in the bar and everyone says i was great fun and on good form. i remember snippets of being in the bar but have no idea what happened to me between 1 and 4am & i can't remember how i sustained these injuries. i have worked from home this week because i look so gross. my colleagues are really shocked. dp is disgusted with me and thinks it's all my fault, he hasn't been sympathetic at all, the opposite in fact.

have reported to police and they are looking for cctv footage but said that there is not really any evidence that there has been a crime. been to hospital and been x-rayed etc and have follow-up appt to drain blood from big swollen blood clot in cheek. also am in touch with victim support and am meeting one of their volunteers next week to chat for an hour.

i don't know how i feel about this. i feel so embarrassed and as though it's all my fault. i don't even know if i was attacked or not - maybe i just fell and hit my head and passed out for a bit. or maybe i was beaten and raped. i guess i'll need to do pregnancy & STD tests at some point - hopefully victim support can advise about this

i am so depressed (unlike me - i am ALWAYS happy) and feel like the worst mother in the world. plus i want dp to fall off a cliff, he's been horrid and abusive for a while and this feels like the final straw.
i have to go back into the office on monday & feel really self conscious (have been wearing sunglasses 24/7) and don't know how to answer when people ask what happened

any idea what i can do to help myself?

sorry for rambling

i'll be offline today as going out but will check back again when i can. any help really appreciated

And I suppose he has never drank too much? . Or is that okay because he is not a mother?

Lots of women drink too much. Normally I dont feel comfortable enough to get very drunk unless I know I am somewhere safe But there have been times when I have been out that I have gone too far before realising it.

Your DP needs a good kicking imo. See how he likes it.

I apologise for my very harsh post last night, I have re-read and am shocked at myself.

I am truly sorry......I was a teeny bit too drunk and I took my suspicions and paranioa out on the wrong thread, which is unfair of me. It is no excuse I know, but I am explaining why.

I hope you get sorted out.

SF one thing really, really stands out from your posts and that is how this man sees someone vulnerable, and uses it to gain further control and make her feel even worse than she does already.

Talk about kicking you when you are down. He patently does not love you, I am so sorry to read this whole thing and I would guess you know deep down that this is so but it is intractably obvious from what you are saying.

he sounds manipulative, controlling, and basically like a big bully and you must think very carefully about whether you want your little ones to grow up with such a poor role model as this bloke

They might learn that it's ok to treat mummy this way - not talking about the beating up thing as we don't know it was him, but everything else he does to you.

Please try to find some anger within yourself and put the house/schools etc aspect to one side - your children need someone who is Ok and not being (sorry to say this) abused.

Thinking of you xx

btw I keep namechanging, sorry to confuse you...am also Inevergive..blahblah

Also the troll scene this week has been heavy but nothing similar to this, Psycho was involved in sorting all that out - some loony making out she was a teenage mum and probably grooming us all for the Christmas appeal so as I said nothing like you at all. Don't worry

Psychomum well done for saying sorry, brave thing to do.

agree with FA....took guts to come and say sorry psycho..and sorry if I was a bit harsh with you too

superfrenchie, I hope you can get some closure on this, I really do. I can only imagine how awful it must feel.

your DP sounds like he is dragging you down really and can't believe he isn't being supportive of you and trying to help you resolve this. I suppose it's another issue but it sounds like you need to either get some relationship counselling with him, or ditch him. Your sense of self esteem/self worth deserves better

You can use it up to about a week (longer away the less effective it is) but I should imagine you are right it's too late. I'm amazed that it wasn't offered to you.

I don't think that you could have missed that time from alcohol considering how long it had been since you stopped drinking to your last memory. It's more likely to have been a spike, sounds like the same drug that I was spiked with TBH.

OP i am SO sorry about your situation. I have not read the whole thread so not sure if this is the right thing to say or not.

Its just an ounce of hope that the worst did not take place - i have found myself in the (very distant) past, trousers around ankles, paryletic drunk, separated from my friends - i hadn't been raped, Thank God - but i think i might have tried to have a pee - do you think, that might have been what happened? Im not sying you wasn't attacked because it does sound like you were, but well, its a straw to clutch at maybe?

Shocked at your DP superfrenchie - regardless of how drunk you were, you were hurt and he should have sympathised.
Hope you feel better soon - don't let that black guilty feeling win - use the situation to look forward and be positive. Reassess who you really need in your life. xxx

Frightattendant - what was the teenage mum thread (think I may have posted on it)

Also superfrenchie - hope this helps...
DH is an OT - works a lot with falls and related injuries. I've explained your situation and he feels that the most likely explanation is the 'jeans down to pee', then with them at your knees you can't walk, your co-ordination is ruined and you fall, hands not quick enough to break fall effectively (due to drink), face takes the brunt on wall/kerb or whatever. He also says that to be sexually assaulted would be extremely difficult with jeans on.
Prob useless info but hope it makes you feel a bit better x

Oh he also says you could have been knocked unconscious when you fell which would account for the lost hours.

sasamax- sounds the most reasonable explanation.

TBH I'm with Sasamax on this one - if you left the party at midnight would you really have still been that pissed four hours later? A knock on the head could account for that maybe?

In anycase, whatever happened this is not in any way your fault. Please try and remember that.

I am so sorry what happened or (hopefully )didnt happen.Its a very bad world if a male did attack you when you were not that well.As for your partner i would question the relasionship..He should support you not dig you out.It was bad enough you think you had been attacked.You owe it to your self and your child.Dont let any one treat you with disrepect.

thanks everyone

i agree that sasamax's explanation is very likely. i did not feel that i had been 'interfered with' or anything.

definitely think the knock on the head accounts for the not remembering anything - i remember vague swimming scenes from the bar and the taxi and the shop but nothing from 1am - 4am.

also i may have let myself in the front door at 1am and passed out / fallen asleep for hours. god this is all so embarrassing!

i have to go back to work tomorrow. if people ask i may say i fell off my bike.

a couple of mums at the school gate tonight asked what had happened - i just said that i had had an accident and fractured my cheekbone. weird that no-one asked all last week. but they seemed to accept that and were very sweet, all "poor you!" and "it must hurt!" so i don't feel so bad now that some of them know. had that awful feeling that maybe everyone was gossiping and assuming domestic violence. anyway... am on the mend and looking forward to returning to normal! i will be soooo pleased when my bruises fade - though will probably take a few more weeks - they're pretty bad! thanks again xx

Arnica should help - either cream or the little homeopathic pills you put under your tongue.

alcohol is pretty good at blotting out memory too

Bluesky, don't you have to take the arnica very soon after the injury for it to work? Interested./