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I'm feeling very anxious most of the time, it's really getting me down.

94 replies

DustyTV · 03/08/2008 10:21

I didn't know where to post this, not sure if it is really a health topic!!

I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember. But since I fell PG with DD my anxiousness seemed to get worse and worse. Then once I had had DD it seemed to hit an all time high.

Like today for example, DH has taken DD to see his parents. It is a short drive away, but along a short stretch of motorway and I am convinced that there will be an accident, I am sat here nearly in tears about this. I know it is stupid. Every time DD is without me I am convinced that she will come to harm (I think it's the not knowing)
The rational side of me knows that something can happen with or without me being with her. The rational side of me also knows that it is most likely that DD will come to no harm when with me or anyone else.

I have had mild OCD tendencies for as long as I can remember now, I had them under control, or so I thought. Since DD was born they have just spiraled out of control. No one knows about this, I have never told my parents or DH. I cannot tell them.

On top of this I am having trouble with my mum at the minute and it is getting to a point where I don't want to live round here any more to get away from her it is very sad because usually mum and I get on wonderful and have a really good relationship.

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I cant bring myself to do it. My GP is about as much use a choc tea pot. I dare not go to my HV as I'm scared they will take DD away from me. I cant talk to DH I have tried but I just cant do it.

I have got so adept at hiding this from other people and myself that I sometimes think it is all in my head, but then something happens and it all flares up again.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustyTV · 04/08/2008 10:09

Blondie, thank goodness they caught the cancer in time, and so good to hear that all is well on that front now for you.

No one in RL knows how I feel and I have never told anyone about my OCD. I think DH may struggle to understand, he would try to help me as much as poss but wouldn't understand why I am not able to 'pull myself together'. (Not that he would ever say that to me)

I am scared about going to the GP's, more than anything I am worried that the GP will say that there is nothing wrong with me and this is how I am supposed to feel. I don't want to feel like this for ever.

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Blondie79 · 04/08/2008 10:16

Dusty,

I completely understand both the 'pull yourself together' bit and not wanting to mention anything to your Dr.

I found just talking through my worries with my DH helped ease them a little but I would never had (and still don't)the courage to tell friends and family how anxious I was and how badly it was affecting my life. I don't think anyone really understands(nor can they judge)how you feel or should behave if they have never experienced it. It is totally debilitating.

But there is help - and the hardest thing will be talking to your GP about it and admitting how you feel. It is not normal in the sense that you should be feeling like this but it is normal in the sense that more peole than we realise suffer from it. As you said noone knows about you, noone knew about me- it could even affect another memebr of your family.

I found talking to a complete stranger (my counsellor) about it very easy - they didn't know me and had no pre conceived ideas about me.

DustyTV · 04/08/2008 18:45

Update:

I went to see my GP, I had to force myself to walk in to the building. She was wonderful, I cried, she put my mind totally at rest. She has put me on a very low dosage of beta blockers, apparently they help to calm people.

She asked me a few questions and I didn't score for PND or depression, but I did score for very high levels of anxiety. She is refering me to a counselor.

The counselor has a 3 week waiting list, so my GP wants to see me again in 2 weeks to keep an eye on things and to see how I am.

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Blondie79 · 04/08/2008 19:42

Well done Dusty! You have really have done the hardest part!

I scored very high for anxiety but low for depression too - was not offered beta blockers though.

But seriously well done - I hope that you find the counselling as helpful as I did.

lucyellensmum · 04/08/2008 20:15

Dusty, Well done!!! So pleased to see you went to the doctors and they were helpful. The beta blockers will help with that horrible pit of he stomach feeling that we get when we are anxious so will help to block the physical cycle. So definately a good thing Brilliant about the counselling, very lucky to have a short waiting list. Don't hesitate to go back to your doctor if you feel like shit in the meantime and keep posting here and keep us up to speed.

DustyTV · 04/08/2008 20:22

Thank you both.

My GP was great, completely understanding and she had loads of tissues, which I needed. She let me have a good cry and was so sympathetic towards me. She has helped me tremendously today.

I explained to her that I was wary of going down medicinal route and that I would rather go down the counselling route. But she thought that I was quite highly anxious after what I had told her that I needed some tablets. So I agreed to a low dosage until I get some counselling and am able to deal with my feelings better.

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Psychobabble · 04/08/2008 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DustyTV · 04/08/2008 20:29

psychobabble, DD is 8.5 mo now.

Do you find that you get frustrated at yourself when the OCD kicks in? I do, I get really angry at myself for 'bowing' down to the OCD.

I'm hoping that the counselling helps me deal with it more effectivly.

I'm at a P&T group on Thursday at the library so I will have a look for that book. Thanks.

OP posts:
Psychobabble · 04/08/2008 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum · 04/08/2008 23:12

can i ask you how your OCD manifests itself?

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 08:26

LEM, the OCD means that I have 'rituals' that I have to do mostly at nightime before I go to bed, they concern checking DD in a certain way. I have to do these 'rituals' a certain way and a certain number of times. If I make a mistake I have to start again. Sometimes, when the OCD is at it's worse, it can take me 1.5 hours upwards before I get to bed myself.

In my very messed up head, I think that if I don't do these 'rituals', something bad will happen to someone I love, mainly DD. It would be my fault because I could have stopped it happening by doing the 'rituals' properly.

Gawd I sound so messed up when I read that back.

The worst of it is, when the OCD is at it's best I can force myself not to do some of the 'rituals' or to change them slightly. I do that, DD is fine. So my logical side tells me it will all be ok, but I still cant seem to break free of it. The OCD can be debilitating and I get angry when I let it win me over.

I find the higher my levels of anxiousness the worse my OCD is. there have been times when I just decide that it is easier for me to stay awake all night than go to sleep, because the 'rituals' take so long.

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lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 10:06

Dusty, that sounds horrible. Have you ever had CBT, apprently that is the new "Thing" and is meant to be very effective for OCD. I was only wondering because my doctor keeps asking me about that sort of thing. I have exaggerated superstitions - im scared of picket fences FFS. Also, i can do things like , right if i don't do XYZ something bad will happen. If i can't finish this game of sudoku or this crossword, something bad will happen, or the number of the clue i can't do will be how old i am when i die . I have a sudoku book where they are numbered and i would only do the ones numbered over 100!! Mad , but not repetitive i guess.

The brain can be a pain sometimes can't it - definately mention the OCD when you get your counselling as if anything else, it is a symptom of your anxiety.

I had a panic attack last night - my DP kept asking "whats the matter", i'd reply, "i'm frightened", he would say "what of this time?" then i said "i don't know!" Then he said "pull yourself together" "Fuck off" i said .

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 10:27

lol at fuck of to your DH

I can totally empathize with you on the sudoku thing I can only do evenly numbered ones, I'm also like that with books, but weirdly enough only certain books like Harry Potter. I have to read a certain amount and I have to finish reading on a even numbered page

What is it about picket fences that scare you? I have an irrational fear of moths and butterflies. I think that they will come and attack me

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loopylou6 · 05/08/2008 10:35

well done dusty,i can understand you're anxious at taking tablets but needs must, i didnt want to take my tablets either, it was only when the poor doctor ended up draping herself over her desk in dispair and begging me to take them that i decided to give it a go and they do help, also if afetr a few weeks you are not feeling any better, can i suggest that you not be scared of taking a higher dose? if it makes you feel more like you, then it is worth being medicated rather that suffering this horrible illness, good luck to you x

lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 11:49

Ah, i used to do that with the book thing, i used to convince myself i would die when i was 27! Im 37 now - phew! I can't finish on page 13, or 12 or 14 because they are associated with, might be on the same page or opposite. End of chapters too, have to finish the chapter. Can't read books where people are ill or anything bad happens to children. I have to say, the tablets im on do help with this ALOT!

The picket fence thing stems from a dream i would have as a small child. I would be outside a beautiful country cottage, picking daisys, just outside a white picket fence. The next thing i would be being crushed within a machine and i would wake up struggling to breathe . I think i was about four! I have always taken this to show that i should never be complacent in life because it will be when i am happiest that my "bubble will burst" so i have never allowed myself to be completely happy. My DP says im not happy unless im worrying about something - well yes, because if i stop worrying, everything will go wrong - now i know its not a competition but THAT sounds mad to me!!

Again, the tablets do allow me pockets of "actually, my life is OK" but they are few are far between.

Sorry, i feel like im hijacking your thread, but i can identify with so much you say.

I used to do this with things that i had no control over too - like "if the next car to come round the corner isn't red" something bad will happen, usually i know what the bad will be and it is often health associated. WTF??? I'm too scared to do that now. That tablets have stopped the health anxiety taking me over, but its still there to a degree.

I'm quite surprised you wasn't given citalopram for your anxiety actually as beta blockers will only treat your physical symptoms, ie the adrenalin pumping pit of stomach feeling that seems to be my best friend just now.

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 12:23

Oh LEM, you are not hijacking my thread. I think it helps all of us to hear how others are doing in these situations.

What a horrible nightmare you have about the cottage with the picket fence and then being crushed. A lot of my nightmares centre around water. I don't know why, I love water and swimming, taking DD swimming is the only comfortable thing I feel we can do together. I started taking her when she was just 10 weeks old and she loves it, a real water baby. But in my nightmares I am drowning or lost in the ocean. The other night I dreamt DD was drowning and I remember seeing the last bubbles of air popping on the surface I dived in got her out and then woke up. I didn't go back to sleep

Since starting this thread I just cant believe how many people go through or are going through something similar. It's amazing the way you and others have described something and I am able to identify with it and say to myself, 'thats me, I do that, OMG I am normal, I'm not losing my mind (much )'
People posting on here about there situations have helped me so much, much more than I can ever say.

What is citalopram? My GP did say that sometimes it is trial and error with regards to medication. She is seeing me in 2 weeks time and has said I can double my dose next week if I don't feel any better, and then if I am still not feeling any better she will look in to other meds for me.

From your post you sound as though you are having a rough time at the minute (feel free to tell me to feck off if I'm wrong ) You say that the pit of the stomach feeling is your best friend right now, do you think that could be why you had the panic attack last night??

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lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 12:39

Citalopram is a medication that works in a similar way to prozac, although it has fewer unwanted side effects.

When we are anxious or depressed, often the reason for, and the result of too, is drops in the levels of certain chemicals in the brain. Seratonin is one of these and is often called the "happy hormone". This is the one everyone goes on about with regards to chocolate .

The way our brain works is through nerve cells talking to each other. Part of how this happens is the release of pockets of chemicals from one nerve that is picked up by its partner. In order for a partner to pick up the chemical, it has RECEPTORS, which you can imagine to be like the toys where children have to fit shapes in - so will only recognise and pick up specific chemicals. The cell will send more and more receptors to the surface to pick up the chemicals when there are a lot around. When there is lots it all works better because the partners send messages to each other saying "make more", they pick up more and everyones happy

When people are anxious/depressed they produce less of certain chemicals, seratonin being a big player in this. It becomes a vicious circle because of the feedback loop i have tried to explain above. We end up producing less when we need it the most. It is not really known if it is cause or effect, but the upshot is the same, we feel like shit.

Drugs like citalopram and prozac are a family called SSRIs, selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitors. They work, not by directly giving us more seratonin but by making our brains more efficient about using it. We have receptos on the signalling cell which will mop up the excess seratonin from the "gaps" between the cells. SSRIs stop these from working, this results in more seratonin being available to the partner cell to use to do its stuff, (make us feel better in the long term) and that cell then tells the original cell to make more. So these drugs provide tempory respite from anxiety and also help the body to make a more permanent recovery by making more, and so on and so on...

They are not addictive, although i would fight a pack of starving rotweillers to keep mine just now, but that is because i havent sorted out the cause of the problem.

I hope that i haven't totally confused you, im crap at explaining things and i struggle to understand it myself really. But i find that knowing how drugs work makes me feel happier about taking them.

I am having a pretty shit time to be fair, but im waiting for a mental health referral when hopefully i can get some proper therapy and leave the ADs behind.

Keep your chin up Dusty. Give the beta blockers a chance to help, keep a diary of how you feel (ive just started doing this because my doctor says i do a good impression of "normal" and i will need to push for help from the shrinks) and see if you notice and improvement. If not, i would be willing to bet that citalopram or a sister drug would be the next step.

You are so not alone though, i know LOADS of women, some in good jobs, some you would fall over in shock if you thought they were on medication, who have or are taking this sort of thing. Its a common malady of modern life i think.

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 12:50

Thanks LEM, I understand, I had to read it a couple of times, but it clicked in the end.

I have started a diary today, I started the meds today also so this way I can keep an eye on things. Although I'm not sure how quickly the meds take effect.

LEM I really hope you get that refferal soon, you seem very 'ballsey' and like the sort of person who will fight to get through it. I wish you all the best.

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lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 12:57

I think the beta blockers will work for the physical symptoms fairly soon. Things like citalopram can take up to 6 weeks to really make a difference.

I don't know about ballsy - lol, my DP would call it another word .

Really hope you feel better soon.

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 13:04

Thanks LEM, but I do think you sound like you have a very strong personality, you sound like a fighter. Lol at your DH, he sounds like my DH.

If the beta blockers start pretty much right away then I feel like shit TBH. I couldn't work out if I just feel like crap or it was the BB's. I have felt dizzy since about 12 o clock, my hands are kinda numb, I feel like I want to be sick all the time. My chest feels tight and I feel breathless. I've also got a banging headache

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lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 13:21

have a look at the sheet that comes with the tablets, these may well be side-effects - if they are, don't worry, they will go off after a few days. Otherwise they might be anxiety based feelings.

Hang on in there

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 15:41

LEM, I read the leaflet that came with them, they are side effects, I rang the GP's surgery to get some info they are calling me back. The fuzzyness in my head has just started going, I think the effects are starting to wear off now. I feel like I have 'woken' up now.

I felt like I was going to faint and got a bit scared as I am on my own with DD and DH will not be back until about 17.30.

That was weird, I don't like them, I hope the Dr can give me something different or else just let me know that it will be ok once my body has gotten used to them.

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lucyellensmum · 05/08/2008 15:48

You'll be OK, to be fair, most tablets will cause some effects at the begining, you just have to ride the storm im afraid. If it worries you too much then don't take anymore til friday night ready for the weekend. Make sure they don't cause insomnia, i have to take mine in the morning or i wont sleep.

DustyTV · 05/08/2008 15:58

Thanks LEM, I'm waiting on the GP calling me back and see what she says, she may just tell me to carry on taking them.

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muppetgirl · 05/08/2008 18:37

Hi Lem/Dusty
I read with great interest your anxieties over books ...and there was I thinking I was the only one or that that was normal! I have to read to the end of a chapter and I also have to finish a book once I've started it even if I'm not enjoying it. If I read a book, I'll read all of the author's books. They have to go on the shelf once they've been read and not before. I have to have my books lined up in height order...

I am pretty hung up about my books really. Dh just says that I'm anal about books which is true but there you go.

This isn't a significant part of my life and I actually don?t have any of my books on shelve in the house at the mo as they've been packed away for re decoration. My anxieties lay in cleaning; I can't get the feeling of not feeling 'clean' only about the house though not me or the children. I find it fascinating what the brain latches onto to find comfort. For some it's cleaning for others nightly rituals. It's just a shame that our brains have to do this at all

Dh and I have had the same 'what's wrong?' 'I don?t know!' conversations. My one and only full on panic attack (full on shaking and vomiting uncontrollably) happened on my best friends hen night. There was something about the room where the table we were going to eat that freaked me out. I ended up staying in the loos with a very good but confused friend who said that she 'never realised it was this bad..' I guess I was just good at performing (I was a 'cellist in a previous life so maybe there's some truth in this)

I'd like to keep in contact with you lovely ladies to see how you all are...shall we start our own on-going thread?

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