I'm feeling very anxious most of the time, it's really getting me down.

[DustyTV]

I didn't know where to post this, not sure if it is really a health topic!!

I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember. But since I fell PG with DD my anxiousness seemed to get worse and worse. Then once I had had DD it seemed to hit an all time high.

Like today for example, DH has taken DD to see his parents. It is a short drive away, but along a short stretch of motorway and I am convinced that there will be an accident, I am sat here nearly in tears about this. I know it is stupid. Every time DD is without me I am convinced that she will come to harm (I think it's the not knowing)
The rational side of me knows that something can happen with or without me being with her. The rational side of me also knows that it is most likely that DD will come to no harm when with me or anyone else.

I have had mild OCD tendencies for as long as I can remember now, I had them under control, or so I thought. Since DD was born they have just spiraled out of control. No one knows about this, I have never told my parents or DH. I cannot tell them.

On top of this I am having trouble with my mum at the minute and it is getting to a point where I don't want to live round here any more to get away from her it is very sad because usually mum and I get on wonderful and have a really good relationship.

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I cant bring myself to do it. My GP is about as much use a choc tea pot. I dare not go to my HV as I'm scared they will take DD away from me. I cant talk to DH I have tried but I just cant do it.

I have got so adept at hiding this from other people and myself that I sometimes think it is all in my head, but then something happens and it all flares up again.

I don't know what to do.

Only read the OP - get thee to a physician. You sound like me, i have an anxiety disorder and now realise i have had this all my life. It could be post natal for you and you might benefit from some medication. Dont let this fester , it can take over your life, take it from me, i know . I would be exactly the same about the motorway thing too - you NEED to talk to your DH about this, because i can see the scenario that happens in my house, DP 15 minutes late, im hysterical and ringing his mobile shouting at him. Just ask your DH to ring you when he gets to destinations etc, if he is going to be late - it helps so much.

You have made the first step - that was very brave. My first step to getting the help i need was due to mumsnet, god knows how i would be by now - a single parent, for sure.

I have had so many medical tests for health anxiety its untrue, breast clinic, ultrasound, you name it. Im a walking disaster zone.

Help is out there though and you CAN get through this, but you need help to do it.

muppetgirl THANKYOU for your amazing post. I wish i could be so articulate and eloquent as you have been. I had goosebumps reading that as i have been there, i had PND and i still suffer from depression - i didnt do the not bonding thing though, i did the whole, "cant let baby out of sight, let anyone see her because she might die" thing. A scary place to be i can tell you.

Dusty, please don't be scared of ADs. They certainly don't make you numb, in fact i felt numb before i started them and they did give me back a part of me. They are not a miracle cure, you have anxiety issues that need resolving and whilst that doesnt lie in the bottom of a pill packet, it helps. The thing is with anxiety, it is a PHYSICAL thing, and the pills can stablalise that, letting you see the wood for the trees.

Go to your GP, make them listen, talk to your HV. Write it down if you have to. For me i just cried, and cried, and cried. It all came out and i got help. I AM going to get better.

dont you go feeling ashamed, you cant help it, you wouldnt be ashamed if you developed diabetes or hurt your back. Talk to your DH, you owe it to him actually, i bet he knows there is something wrong already. He needs to know what is going on, you are right, he might not be able to help, my DP is worse than useless to be fair, and thats nto because he doesnt love me or try, he just can't handle it. But he knows that im ill and tahts enough, for now.

Oh wow, so many responses, thank you all of you. I need this, I need to know it's not just me. I feel so lonely with it all I had convinced myself that everyone else is just getting along fine in life and I'm just sat in this big hole. Lurching from one feeling to the next. Then I think that what I am feeling is unreasonable, and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's like a vicious cycle.

I am feeling a lot better now (been to see my neighbours new baby girl, I feel so broody again) I feel better for getting some of what I am feeling out.

DH does ring/text me when he gets to PIL's he knows that I worry. He is a wonderful person DH, just like LEM's DH, he just wouldn't be able to understand. He would get me the practical help. I'm not making much sense am I..... sorry.

Dusty you are making so much sense to me, and you are sooooooooo not alone in feeling this way. Do go to your GP, i found it helped to drag DP with me. Firstly to help him understand and then recently, to make them sit up and listen!

You would be surprised how many people have this, i was when i looked on the mental health section of this board, you should take a look, so many threads about anxiety. I am quite open about being on medication as i am quite brassy and don't think ive anything to be ashamed of. Because of that, other women who i know have told me that they too are either on or have been on at some point, medication for one reason or another. So much so that my DP said to me, blimey, you must attract all the "nutters", he doesn't mean that in a nasty way as we joke about my condition - we have too, else it would be too bloody tragic. I have had to give some of DPs early clothes away because they have had pictures on thme that i am superstitious about and couldnt bring myself to put her in - thats how irrational i can be.

There are some good websites too, they are linked on the mental health section of this board, worth taking a look as you seem to be quite a proactive person and they may well be of use to you.

LEM, it's odd isn't it how you can recognize feelings/thoughts/emotions in yourself that others are also feeling but that you don't know that they are feeling it until they say/do something so specific.

I have decided today that I cant go on feeling like this, it is so irrational to feel this way. I noticed my anxiety get worse WRT people in my life dying and getting hurt when my grandad died. My OCD got so much worse as well. I have been able to keep my OCD under control until I got PG and it felt like my world was caving in

I wanted to be PG, DH and I had made a concious decision to TTC, but after I found out I felt deflated I kept wondering how could my baby like me, let alone love me.

I'm gabbing on a bit now aren't I. I just hope I have the energy and drive to go through with calling the GP's tomorrow.

One of my friends really struggled the minute she got pregnant with depression, had a really terrible time, totally couldnt bond with her baby, she is OK now, has a lovely relationship with her DD.

Interesting what you say about OCD i thnk that and anxiety go hand in hand.

Do you think I should mention to my GP about the OCD? Or just concerntrate on the anxiety for now?

BTW I bonded with DD fantastically and I do feel like a good mum, I just get such irrational thoughts and feelings that something bad will happen to her and it will be my fault for not being more vigilant.

YEs, i bonded well too.

MEntion the OCD do, as they very often do go together and respond well to similar treatments.

You'll know what to say at the time. It is difficult as im one of those sort of people who can strap on a brave face when it comes to doctors. That is why i took DP with me last time as my doctor is such a bright and smiley person that i find myself smiling straight back .

Remember that some of the anxiety you are feeling is NORMAL for a parent to feel. Show me a mother who doesn't worry about her children?? It is when the anxiety takes over and seeps into every part of your day, then there is a problem.

Thanks LEM, you talk a lot of sense

DustyTV

It's very interesting reading all the posts as when I was going through my difficulties I was out in a rural area and hadn't heard of mnet! My mother is an alcoholic who left when I was 14 and for my teenage years was quite difficult. I have now chosen not to have her in my life for the past 8 years and life is much more stable for me. My troubles started when I had my first ds as the anxieties/anger/desolation at my changed life I attribute to feelings of my own mother. After treatment I can now honestly say I don?t think about my mother as much and I now understand that she has made her own decisions about her life as have I. I made the decision not to have contact as this was/is best for me and my children I have since had. (She doesn't know I'm married or have children or that my brothers are settled and 1 has 2 children)

You can spend your life trying to fit in with other people, you can try your hardest to understand their point of view, make them happy etc but sometimes you can lose yourself doing this. Your family may not understand what you are going through but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't start trying to find the answers to your unhappiness. My dh still doesn't understand why I get so anxious but he does know my trigger signs and can help me focus when I need him too. Yes, I'm out the other end and have another wonderful ds 2 (how scared I was throughout the pregnancy thinking I was going to become depressed and ruin the family I had begun to bond with) who is magical. I had that rush of love and 'falling in love with my baby' that I certainly didn't have with ds 1.

As to the Ad's, I can see why you would be apprehensive I was to begin with. I wouldn't describe what I felt as ?numbness? more a calmness. I was able to sleep which made me feel refreshed for the first time in years and I could tackle the psychology sessions with a rigour as I wanted to get better -they do an assessment on what you have to gain from being depressed as some people get their attention from being depressed and would loose that attention should they recover. I came off the Ad's with no side effects (honestly) and have only once thought about going back on them which was the beginning of this holiday as I would have both the ds's for 8 weeks by myself and I was anxious I would loose the plot.

I think a visit to the Gp is an excellent idea, even if it is just for a chat. In the meantime maybe have a go at writing your anxieties down. There are no rules to what you write; just write whatever comes in your head. Sometimes when it's on paper in the cold hard light of day it's not that scary anymore xx

Muppetgirl, thank you so much. I will try to write some of my anxieties down, I suppose it would help to show them to the GP also.

You know the most ironic thing about all of this and my sudden realization about it all; I have just enrolled at the Open Uni to do a taster course in Psychology. How ironic that I am where I am now!!!!

..is the exploring psychology dse 212?

If so I started that but became prgt with ds 2!

Its the Starting with Psychology T163 081. It's a 20 week course. It is something that has always intrigued me, i would love to get into Criminal Psychology.

Did you enjoy the course you started? Do you think you will ever start it up again?

Just wanted to add my support - you are SO not alone in this. I've been through exactly what you describe and lived with it for about well 5 years, but 2 years where it really dominated my life but i just thought i had to get on with it. My famiy kept telling me to see the GP but i couldn't bring myself to admit it was a 'real' problem. Eventually it boiled over at work, i was so embarrassed but i couldn't keep it together and one of my colleagues had this really rational conversation with me and ended up saying 'i don't think the way you feel is necessary. you should see a gp'. Having a man, and someone at total emotional distance from me, say that, really jolted me into action. Thank goodness. Let everyone here be the equivalent 'voice of reason' for you.

ps I love my ADs, no numbness i just feel perfectly happy, i love life in fact, so much so that a few months ago i thought i didn't need them any more. Seems i do, but that's another story....!

Go go go to the gp. If you cry, it's NOT a problem. Have your 'script' ready so that you say what you need to. Good luck!

Yep, loved it did 2 of the assignments then baby brain kicked in so I postponed until baby brain goes. Hopefully starting this oct again but will see. I'd like to be an educational psychologist as I was a teacher but that's way to far into the future. Keep in touch x

loveydear, thank you for posting, I feel a bit better now that I know I'm not alone. It helps to know that.

muppetgirl, that sounds good. baby brain does seem to confuse us easily doesn't it.

Only now do I feel like I can start to comprehend normally again.

Hynotherapy? CBT? both could help.

god i worry all the time, keeps me awake at night.

knitting is quite good

I'm feeling a lot brighter this morning, but I have made the appointment as objectivity said when things look brighter we put off doing anything and I didn't want to do that.

I have an appointment with our nice new GP (Who I saw for DD bad nappy rash) I just hope that I am able to convey my feelings/worries once I get in that room.

Fab news Dusty! Take a list with a few pointers and some tissues. If you cry, don't worry that's how you are feeling at the time so no harm in that. This is the first step in letting someone know how you feel when you are feeling it. A BIG step. Good luck and keep in touch. If you like to keep in touch by email, let me know and I'll sign up for the Cat thing (? not sure what that is but game for a new challenge!)
x

Oh mg, thank you, I need to sign up for that CAT thing as well, I'm not sure though but I think you have to pay for it. Don't know how much it costs though.

I would really appreciate being able to keep in touch with someone through this, especially as I am not ready to talk to DH about it just yet. If you would prefer I can give you my email addy.

I feel quite elated that I have made the apoointment, scared to death, but elated, like I start to recover from this point.

My email is
[email protected]
email anytime
x

Thanks mg, I have emailed you

Dusty,

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if I repeat anything already said.

I had always been a worrier but that intensified after I had my first child. It specifically centred around my health and something happening to me which meant that I wouldnot be there for my children. It kept me awake at night worrying,it affected my relationship with my children. I had mild OCD tendencies too and the only person who knew about this and my anxiety was my wonderful DH. I put on a brave face - which was hard work and v tiring as I am v close to my parents and even my oldest friends had no idea. I didn't want peopleto know because I didn't want them to think that I couldn't cope.

Then I was diagnosed with skin cancer (malignant melanoma) and it was if my worse nightmare had come true (I had been asking for this mole to be removed for close to a year but had been told that there was nothing wrong with it). I was devastated and naturally thought the worst was going to happen. Thankfully they had caught in time and it hadn't spread. I can only describe what happened next as a sort of 'breakdown'. I admitted to my GP that I was struggling and she referred me to a counsellor.

The counsellor made perfect sense and everything slotted into place. It helped me immensely and although I have OCD tendencies still I hardly ever worry.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I completely understand how you feel and that there is a way out. It just takes a big step to ask for help (i know that it is easier said than done).

I hope this helps x