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General health

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Original poster

Alcoholic? Or just a normal drinker? Advice please??

98 replies

Bankie · 17/07/2008 21:52

I have name changed for this, sorry..

In every aspect of my life i am happy. Fabulous DH, 2 great kids, big house, flash car etc etc (meaningless i know). Dont have to work and stay at home with toddler son whilst older boy at school.

The problem is i have a terribly alcoholic older sister. She has lost everything due to her drinking, her children, her marriage, home, possesions, everything. She's been a chronic alcoholic for about 15 years and is, at the moment, in "recovery" yet again in a hideously expensive celebrity style rehab, funded by my mother. I try, but we don't have the greatest relationship in the world.

I myself like a drink. In fact i drink at least 3 glasses of wine every night. Apart from maybe one dry night a week. I drink as soon as the kids are in bed, never before (about 7pm) to relax and have a nice evening. About 2 nights of the 7 (at the weekend) i will get proper pissed, the rest of the time i get pissed enough to feel a bit woozy but don't do anything serious or out of control. I do suffer from hideous memory loss though after the 3rd glass and often lie awake at 4am trying to remember going to bed...

My reason for writing is this: Having had this alcoholic sister issue for so many years and having talked about her endlessly with my mum and Al-Anon for all these years, i wonder if my view on my own drinking has been somehow clouded by my experiences with her. It has consumed our family for so long. I know so much about problem drinking that i feel such HUGE guilt at drinking myself and wonder all the time whether i am headed the same way. Friends i have who drink the same amount as me feel that their drinking is "social" and "normal" and don't suffer the same guilt as me. I feel i can't enjoy my drinking as i should be able to as i am constantly questioning whether i am an alcoholic as well. I know i drink way over the set limits - probably 5 bottles a week. So my health MUST be in jeopardy. I keep saying i must not drink again ever, because of the mess my sister got into, but i just cant get out of this habit.

Any thoughts you might have would be realy appreciated...

OP posts:

posieflump · 18/07/2008 22:35

wow helliebean - 4.5 stone! that's fab

chenin · 18/07/2008 22:37

thank youuuuuuu
Alcohol is pretty damn fattening (and pretty damn good fun too!)

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 22:39

That helps a lot Helliebean, cos thats exactly what i am thinking of doing full time, only with diet coke or lilt .
I am doing Weight Watchers at the mo and have lost a stone already (from a 14 to a 12 - yay!) but know that the weeks i do well and lose are the weeks i haven't drunk as much so its worth it.

OP posts:

chenin · 18/07/2008 22:43

Oh yes Bankie it will be worth it.

If someone had said to me.. see if you can not have a drink for 2 weeks... I would have got drunk just thinking about it! Completely impossible. You have to find something that works for you. I think I could easily be bordering on alcoholic and, believe me, if I can do it, you can.

I always had a drink every night when the DCs were in bed or had quietened down. It was my 'treat' for coping with the day and it spiralled out of control. I was easily drinking 3 large glasses of wine a night, or 2 huge g&t's. But it is only habit. You have to break the habit of every night and only drink at weekends or something. I am sure that it would be said that I should abstain totally, but that was impossible for me.

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 22:51

I think that managing drinking only has a certain lifespan if you are truly an alcoholic.

chenin · 18/07/2008 22:54

Well.. this has been working for me for about 4 years now. It's pretty damn impressive for me! (don't even know if I am an alcoholic anyway)

I think that, some people in life have addictive personalities and some people don't. I do everything to extremes given half the chance. Whether that makes someone alcoholic, I have no idea.

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 23:00

I think you have done brilliantly but the concern is that you are desperate for a drink by the weekend.Do you think you can do this indefintely It is an interesting thery actually.What if you went to a do or something on a tuesday would you have a drink?And do you get drunk now or just have a couple Sorry if too nosey just tell me to sod off but am truly interested

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 23:02

I agree Hellie, My DH smoked 30 fags a day until he gave up using Champix (a drug that has 100% success rate) but continued to smoke about 3 spliffs every evening. (Company director, educated, clever. Not interested in drink AT ALL, but likes his weed to relax). He's now started smoking fags again but he has that kind of addictive personality too. Its just that his addictions are more acceptable somehow. He can smoke a fag at 9am, but if i had a glass of wine then it would mean a whole different thing! I am slightly addictive, not to drugs though, although have doine a few in my earlier years, but food, sex, wine, nail biting, QVC, Mumsnet.. ha!

OP posts:

chenin · 18/07/2008 23:04

Noddy... no problem. If I met friends on, say a Tuesday, even if I wasn't driving, I would probably have just one, or even none. But I tend to go out just at weekends. It was my 'home' drinking that was a problem IMHO.

Now, I tend to drink under a bottle of wine on a friday and saturday if staying in, usually with a nice meal with DH. Probably more if going out. But I do have a huge capacity so that is pretty good for me!

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 23:06

My dp has none he has to because he knows eventually where it will lead and he only wants to get drunk no other reason to drink.

chenin · 18/07/2008 23:08

I know what you mean Bankie. There was a period when I could see me becoming addicted to losing weight . It made me feel good to be hungry and I could understand how an anorexics mind might work because of it.

It didnt last long but I could see it was something that could go out of control with me if I let it.

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 23:09

Noddy, i agree its v interesting, but should it be so awful to be so pleased to have something pleasurable at the weeknd if you've abstained from it all week? Just the same as having a Chinese on a Friday night if you're trying to lose a bit of weight, no? (like i do after my WW weigh in!)

I think if you went to a do on a Tuesday then it would be OK to drink a few as its an "event". Its sitting on your sofa in front of Big Brother on a Tuesday downing a bottle that is more bothersome i think.

OP posts:

chenin · 18/07/2008 23:09

Is your DH alcoholic do you think Noddy?

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 23:12

yes my dp is an alcoholic He hasn't had a drink for 16 yrs though so is way down the line in his recovery.

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 23:15

Wow Noddy thats brilliant. My sister has been sober only since March, but is on the 12th step now for the 1st time, and i have HUGE hopes and admiration for her now after 15 years of despair.

OP posts:

chenin · 18/07/2008 23:15

Well done to him, Noddy. He could never have been just a weekend drinker then, could he? Forgive me if I am putting my foot in it.

Believe it or not, I havent had a drink tonight cos I am on really strong antibiotics that react badly with alcohol so it has now been 6 days since I have had anything....

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 23:20

No although he didn't drink every day and tried several systems like weekends only or only 3 drinks but learned in AA that for him it was all about why he needed to drink to oblivion and what that was masking.Alcoholics have very specific behaviours and without fail he always felt dpressed the next day and wracked with guilt even if he had done nothing.He wold assume that he had been horrendous when drunk even when he wasn't and had black outs.As soon as alcohol is in his system he is powerless over it and he just wants more.He always says 1 is too many and 10 isn't enough!We have anormal life though I love wine and we are very social party people

chenin · 18/07/2008 23:30

What courage. I am so impressed.

Elibean · 19/07/2008 10:04

Good news re your sister, Bankie, I'm glad for her, and for you!

Recovery is a gooood place to be. I've had much more fun in the second half of my life

Tapster · 19/07/2008 11:13

I do think a SAHM life can be stressful and monotonous and a glass of wine at the end of the day easily becomes a reward. I tend to drink very regularly most night but only one or two small glasses of wine and never really go above that even at the weekends as my body doesn't tolerate it. As a wine buff too I only really really appreciate the first glass or two. The rest is a bit of an aneasthetic.

I do once in a while do two weeks without drinking and I find it much easier than I thought. But I did not feel better or sleep better but I do lose some weight.

I think doing an exercise class/going to the gym in the evening when you DH is home could well help stop reaching for that glass of wine. You have to drag yourself there but you will feel better for it.

I think the fact that you recognise you drink too much means that half the problem is solved. I do think that there are alot of women out there with a similar problem but most are honest with themselves by totting up the glasses/bottles.

BlaDeBla · 19/07/2008 11:49

I have met other women with breast cancer who wonder if it could have been the alcohol that triggered it. In truth, nobody knows for sure. I was asked if I drank when I was in hospital and they were looking for bowel cancer but found colitis. It is very scary when your health is on the line like that.

Alcohol can affect EVERY major organ, but nobody knows which one or when it will be damaged, if at all.

I think it's pretty random, and those in the know don't really know who will be affected by alcohol or how much they will need. 14 units is a pretty random amount, plucked from the sky, as an amount which is unlikely to be particularly dangerous to most people.

Turniphead1 · 20/07/2008 19:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mrsboogie · 22/07/2008 17:23

Hello all. I have had a drinking habit that sounds like yours bankie and hellibean. For a good few years I worked with big social drinkers and when I wasn't out with them I was drinking wine at home. At least a bottle a night. I was asking myself the same question but carried on regardless because it wasn't that I needded the drink but was just in the social situation. I ended up putting on four stone at least - all from empty alcohol calories. Then I started listening to the warning messages about going over the 14 units.

I also wanted to lose weight and get pregnant so I just cut down to start and didn't drink in the week. If you are not chemically dependant on alcohol it is simply a matter of breaking the habit - I realise that this can be difficult but you will very quickly get used to having a glass of something else instead. I will admit that I was dying for a drink by Friday but it was psychological.

When it comes to Friday night you can have your three glasses and boy will you enjoy them!! You don't have to start off with having no wine for the whole week - start with one or two nights off and build from there. Soon you won't miss it (much). If you cannot do this then you have a problem.

The most important thing about breaking a habit or addiction is that you have to want to. If you don't it is nigh on impossible. I smoked for years and then about five years ago I got scared that it was affecting my health and I wanted to stop. So I did. Easy, and I haven't wanted one since. But it was only easy because I wanted to stop more than I wanted to smoke.

I cut down on my drinking because I didn't want to find myself in the same position with alcohol. I enjoy it more now that is a treat rather than a chore. And now I am pregnant so can't drink anyway although I do have the occasional glass of wine. The cutting down before falling pg makes stopping a much lesser shock to the system!

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