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Original poster

Alcoholic? Or just a normal drinker? Advice please??

98 replies

Bankie · 17/07/2008 21:52

I have name changed for this, sorry..

In every aspect of my life i am happy. Fabulous DH, 2 great kids, big house, flash car etc etc (meaningless i know). Dont have to work and stay at home with toddler son whilst older boy at school.

The problem is i have a terribly alcoholic older sister. She has lost everything due to her drinking, her children, her marriage, home, possesions, everything. She's been a chronic alcoholic for about 15 years and is, at the moment, in "recovery" yet again in a hideously expensive celebrity style rehab, funded by my mother. I try, but we don't have the greatest relationship in the world.

I myself like a drink. In fact i drink at least 3 glasses of wine every night. Apart from maybe one dry night a week. I drink as soon as the kids are in bed, never before (about 7pm) to relax and have a nice evening. About 2 nights of the 7 (at the weekend) i will get proper pissed, the rest of the time i get pissed enough to feel a bit woozy but don't do anything serious or out of control. I do suffer from hideous memory loss though after the 3rd glass and often lie awake at 4am trying to remember going to bed...

My reason for writing is this: Having had this alcoholic sister issue for so many years and having talked about her endlessly with my mum and Al-Anon for all these years, i wonder if my view on my own drinking has been somehow clouded by my experiences with her. It has consumed our family for so long. I know so much about problem drinking that i feel such HUGE guilt at drinking myself and wonder all the time whether i am headed the same way. Friends i have who drink the same amount as me feel that their drinking is "social" and "normal" and don't suffer the same guilt as me. I feel i can't enjoy my drinking as i should be able to as i am constantly questioning whether i am an alcoholic as well. I know i drink way over the set limits - probably 5 bottles a week. So my health MUST be in jeopardy. I keep saying i must not drink again ever, because of the mess my sister got into, but i just cant get out of this habit.

Any thoughts you might have would be realy appreciated...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 18/07/2008 21:06

People have been drinking daily (and moderately) for centuries to unwind or relax.

So are they all alcoholics?

Generalisations are like government-by-target: lazy thinking.

NorkyButNice · 18/07/2008 21:08

I have wondered recently whether I have too much of a "dependency" on alcohol. Once DS is in bed and I've started cooking dinner, I will pour myself a glass of wine or get DH to make me a G&T at least 5 nights out of the week. When DH suggested we did a couple of weeks off I must admit I got a bit fidgetty and only lasted 6 days.

My worst moment was when I was on maternity leave and DS had been screaming his head off all day and just refused to settle - I drank a third of bottle of wine at 2pm out of a mug (so DH wouldn't find a wine glass in the dishwasher ).

That was 6 months or so ago and was the only time I've ever done such a thing - it did make me sit up and really think about things though.

Good luck working out your situation Bankie.

ilovemydog · 18/07/2008 21:12

There are all sorts of definitions as to what constitutes an alcoholic, but it's a subjective thing for you to decide.

Personally, I would never quote amounts as a criteria.

expatinscotland · 18/07/2008 21:15

I think paranoia around 'OMG, am I an alcoholic?' actually fuels binge drinking in this culture.

It's like the American relationship with food as their obesity levels soar towards the stratosphere.

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 21:18

No ! Your getting me wrong ! I drink around 4 small glasses of wine a night ! Remember that a bottle of wine only holds 3 large glasses of wine - which is not far off a half bottle of vodka. Im not trying to make myself feel better at all.... but by your replys i feel a bit intimidated ! I grew up in pubs... my dad goes down the pub twice a day and i have worked in pubs as well as care homes and have seen alot of people die from drinking. But i have never drunk during the day at all. I find it funny that people think that alckies drink vodka !

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 21:18

MmeBovary · 18/07/2008 21:19

I think it is easy to be in denial. My DH has long commented on the amount I drink. I tell myself that he drinks beer and smokes pot everynight to relax so why should I not have a glass of wine or 2. But with me the 2 glasses is usually a bottle and some nights a bit more. I get up for work in the morning and tell myself it's OK - it;s just cos life is stressful.

So Bankie, I think I have a problem. I'm jealous all right - but of people who can have a glass of wine with dinner, or enjoy a night out occasionally and overdo it and think nothing of it. You say the examples you give are entirely different but I don't believe that is the case. So only you only have a problem if you start needing vodka for breakfast? That is the Eastenders view of a problem drinker!

I reckon there are plenty of us out there who drink far too much to be healthy. But we have jobs and bring up our kids without beating them and spending their food money on cooking sherry.

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 21:19

ooppps

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 21:21

Bankie.... i think you protest too much ! I wasn't refering to you at all .... so why the long post ?

ilovemydog · 18/07/2008 21:22

it's the opposite in California re: obesity levels.

But agree about the paranoia.

When I was in California last year and pregnant, a waitress refused to serve me a glass of champagne. It was my birthday for goodness sake!

expatinscotland · 18/07/2008 21:23

Oh, yes, I lived with a Californian for a couple of years.

Biggest lot of closet drinkers/drug users on the planet, IMO. Pervs, too.

ilovemydog · 18/07/2008 21:26

expat, you're east coast, right?

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 21:40

Average joes who have a drink if they fancy one and can take it or leave it rarely dissect their drinking in this way.My dp is a recovering alcoholic and says he finds it odd that i never know when I am going out if i will have 1 drink or 10 or none because I don't think about it.Most people who have a problem scrutinise their habit and have drinking rules which is a sign something is wrong

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 21:51

Please don't get me wrong Star, I meant it in general, not at you in particular. (although re-reading my post i seem to be - sorry.. x) Also re long posts, that just me. I seem not not be able to do 1 or 2 lines!

My sister, a terrible alcoholic who has lost her DH, kids, home, everything, is the classic vodka drinker, goes on 4 day binges in a motel somewhere without sleeping, and people then have to come and rescue her, so she is my comparison to my own situation. I view her as a classic alkie, not me. I think maybe she has clouded my view over the last 10/15 years. Strange that she lived in CA for the last 15 years before being deported last year back to the UK....!

MmeBovery i am also jealous of those that have no problem with the amount they drink, whatever the amount is. My friend Lou, a great housewife and mother, spotless home, great kids, marriage etc drinks the same as me. She feels elated after a great night of fun and wine, as she thinks its a release and therefore nssesary and can't understand my guilt and negatvity, apart from saying i'ts all about my sister....

Norky i don't think you have a dependancy AT ALL for wanting a G&T / glass of wine in the evening, nor for once having it out of a mug in the afternoon. My friend Jo has some wine in a mug at 5pm (before bathtime , so that the neighbours in her victorian terrace don't see her in the garden with her kids and think she is an alkie. She just likes her wine earlier than me, thats all, and feels she has to hide it. Poor thing. (shes def not an alkie).

OP posts:

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 21:57

Noddy, could it not be the case that there are people who scrutinise their drinking habits because of family members who ARE alcoholics that have made them feel guilt/shame for regular normal drinking?

I feel those things due to my sisters problem, but also can quite merrily go out and drink 1 G&T or a whole bottle of wine, which entirely depends on who i'm with and where, rather than KNOWING i will get pissed regardless...

I think i would be an Average Joe and not really give a shit if it were not for my sister and the way her drinking has impacted on our family for 15 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 22:00

Can i also just say that this thread has given me so much more than the last 5 years of weekly Al-anon meeting where everyone just seems to slag off "their Alcoholic" endlessly (whom they are supposed to love) and then leave.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 18/07/2008 22:02

Yes I am not an expert its just my experience with dp and people i met when he was in AA.They said they were forever planning their drinking and scrutinising it and didn't really enjoy it unless they were going to get drunk.

ilovemydog · 18/07/2008 22:08

Hmph - am going to bed. California(ns) are getting slagged off too much here....

expatinscotland · 18/07/2008 22:09

i'm from Texas, ilove .

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 22:12

No ILMD, not slagging of Californians! Great, laid back people. We lived just outside Oxnard, north of LA during the 70's, which is why my sis went back there more recently. LA is one of my favourite places on the planet.

OP posts:

MrsMacaroon · 18/07/2008 22:21

bankie- interesting you haven't commented on my post.

i don't really care about definitions but your initial post was very specific...

"Alcoholic or normal drinker?"

Based on the information YOU offered-

-At least 3 large glasses of wine per day
-Memory blocks after third glass, finding yourself at 4am not knowing how you got into bed
-Binge drinking at weekend also
-Not sure if able to go without drink for more than two weeks

I would conclude that you have many signs of having alcohol dependency. Your sister is irrelevant and I can't see what she has to do with your behaviour except that you seem to almost want it to be her fault that you feel guilt or shame.

This is bringing out the co-dependent in me so I'm not going to post any more on this thread.

Original poster

Bankie · 18/07/2008 22:28

MrsM, my original very specific post was based on how i felt at that moment. Over the last 24 hours i have thought and thought and talked a lot and my feelings have evolved and are some way to being resolved. I don't think that my sister is irrelavent at all but i agree that i have some kind of dependancy, just not sure what. I'm really sorry if i've pissed you off.

OP posts:

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 22:28

No worries Bankie - sorry i seem to have misjudged you . It's just hard to hear from someone from the recieving end of living with a user. We all get pissed off. I wish i wasn't the way i am. I have lived with dependance of drugs and drink for years and my DP has stuck by me - also it has never stoped me looking after my DD- in the last 10 yrs the only time i kept sober was when i was pregnant. Now i have been dry due to my lovely DD

StarSparkle · 18/07/2008 22:28

chenin · 18/07/2008 22:32

If it's any help to you Bankie, I would say my drinking habits were almost identical to you. I got myself into the habit of drinking more or less every night... either g&t or wine and they were rather large measures! When I woke in the morning, I was perfectly functioning but mouth felt like the bottom of a bird cage....

I questioned myself and thought I was bordering on being alcoholic but didnt really know. All I knew was that I have an addicitive personality.. I could eat too much, drink too much, do just about anything too much - it's my nature.

Anyway, the point of my post is...I went on a health and fitness kick and was desperate to lose weight cos alcohol is actually 'empty' calories and I was getting v fat. I decided to pour a glass of Ame or Schloer (non alcoholic) into a wine glass and 'pretend' it was wine. I did this for 5 nights of the week. On the other two nights I got pretty pissed. But it worked for me. I lost 4.5 stones and I feel tons better. For the first time in my life I feel I am in control of my drinking for 5 nights of the week. Okay, I'm not perfect because I am desperate for a drink by 6pm on a Friday but it is better than it was before.
HTH.

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