Alcoholic? Or just a normal drinker? Advice please??

[Bankie]

I have name changed for this, sorry..

In every aspect of my life i am happy. Fabulous DH, 2 great kids, big house, flash car etc etc (meaningless i know). Dont have to work and stay at home with toddler son whilst older boy at school.

The problem is i have a terribly alcoholic older sister. She has lost everything due to her drinking, her children, her marriage, home, possesions, everything. She's been a chronic alcoholic for about 15 years and is, at the moment, in "recovery" yet again in a hideously expensive celebrity style rehab, funded by my mother. I try, but we don't have the greatest relationship in the world.

I myself like a drink. In fact i drink at least 3 glasses of wine every night. Apart from maybe one dry night a week. I drink as soon as the kids are in bed, never before (about 7pm) to relax and have a nice evening. About 2 nights of the 7 (at the weekend) i will get proper pissed, the rest of the time i get pissed enough to feel a bit woozy but don't do anything serious or out of control. I do suffer from hideous memory loss though after the 3rd glass and often lie awake at 4am trying to remember going to bed...

My reason for writing is this: Having had this alcoholic sister issue for so many years and having talked about her endlessly with my mum and Al-Anon for all these years, i wonder if my view on my own drinking has been somehow clouded by my experiences with her. It has consumed our family for so long. I know so much about problem drinking that i feel such HUGE guilt at drinking myself and wonder all the time whether i am headed the same way. Friends i have who drink the same amount as me feel that their drinking is "social" and "normal" and don't suffer the same guilt as me. I feel i can't enjoy my drinking as i should be able to as i am constantly questioning whether i am an alcoholic as well. I know i drink way over the set limits - probably 5 bottles a week. So my health MUST be in jeopardy. I keep saying i must not drink again ever, because of the mess my sister got into, but i just cant get out of this habit.

Any thoughts you might have would be realy appreciated...

i think not drinking on the days you have a hangover is not really an indication that you are not becoming dependant on alcohol

It is lonely isn't it. My sisters stint at rehab (only one so far) is fairly recent and it was really frightening. I don't want that to be me, but can feel the shock wearing off a bit and slipping back down that path.

I feel too ashamed to ask for help, particularly with my sister's problem. I can just imagine the "surely you know better" comments.

My dh is great but its just not something he can understand, try as he might.

Is totally confusing.

Perhaps three consecutive days off per week as a start. We could try together.

I think a useful guide to drinking becoming a problem is that it's becoming a problem ie you are falling out with other people over it, not being able to function properly (constant hangovers, being too pissed to do stuff that needs doing) or spending more than you can afford. The memory blackouts do sound as though you need to start cutting down: having one of those say, once a year after your birthday party would not indicate an ongoing problem, having it once a week does suggest that something needs to change.

a dependant drinker is an alcoholic and vice versa.It doesn't sound so stereo typical old man in the gutter swigging at 10 in the morning etc and is a more media friendly term but it is the same thing.If you have to question or moderate yoou need to look at it.good luck to the op for being brave enough to address this.I think you are drinking a lot Stop for a month and see what issues that raises if any xx

Alcoholism is nothing about quantities and everything about how it makes you feel and the compulsion to do it even though it is doing you no good and impacting on your life negatively.

memory blocks and becoming pissed quickly are very serious signs that you have a problem...your body is starting to have problems breaking down the alcohol which means your liver is becoming affected.

there's no point trying to define your dependency perfectly- you drink too much and are dependent. some people can manage their alcohol dependency and become what's known as a 'functioning alcoholic' and some can't, the drink takes over and the alcoholic is revealed more quickly. i sometimes think the functioning alcoholic is in a worse position as by the time anyone's noticed, their addiction may have been active for decades and their health may be severely compromised. often partners turn a blind eye to this type of drinking as it's a bit of a grey area and it maybe easier to have a quiet life or perhaps they have a large alcohol intake also and don't wish to change their lifestyle.

i hope you remain honest with yourself and value yourself highly enough to tackle this properly.

Have you tried talking to your dh about how he can help you to overcome some of this and to cut down. I suspect he knows that there is a problem,

MrsMacaroon: my Dad is a 'functioning alcoholic'.

In fact, when he was finally persuaded to try AA, after a lot of heartfelt family conversations, he found everyone there talking about needing a drink first thing in the morning and decided he couldn't be an alcoholic after all.

Years of empty vodka bottles hidden under the bath/in the veg patch and ruined family parties apparently don't count.

booboobedoo- i take it he's still drinking then?

so many people have a narrow minded perception of what alcoholism is...very sad

The question is Bankie, what are you going to do about this? It doesn't matter whether you are already an alcoholic or dependent drinker, or on the way to being one. You clearly have a problem or you would not be posting this. You clearly drink in an unhealthy way and carrying on like this will wreck your health. So what are you going to do about it?

MrsMacaroon: he certainly is.

He's tried to stop recently, but won't seek any help.

Sorry for the hijack, Bankie. I think my point is that alcoholism comes in many forms, and imo it is ALWAYS a good idea to seek outside opinion/help (however humiliating it may seem).

Thank you for your comments. I can say though that i don't find comments like "you are already an alcoholic" and "your liver is damaged" and "what are you going to do about it" particularly helpful. I know you must be well-meaning, but as i already know i drink too much i don't think i need to be spoken to that way, especially when you don't know me or pertty much anything about my personal circumstances.

Turnip and Osborne on the other hand are people who have identified with me and shared their personal experiences without laying a guilt trip on me, labeling me a Alcoholic in Denial (i have all those leaflets from Al-Anon btw).

Thank you Turnip for your thoughts. I also have completely given up the wine through both of my pgs apart from the odd spritzer here and there. Not hard to do and made me also think that perhaps i am in control of it after all. I am also in fear of having to abstain completely. I don't drink crap cheap stuff, but bottles up to a tenner and like you am a bit of a buff.

I do think, like you and Osborne, that there are definite family tendancies, and that it makes you analyse your drinking too much and tht makes you worry more. My friend who drinks as much as me knows my alcoholc fears and says its all cos of my sister tat i feel so bad about it. She has no fears about herself, not one.

I have never been in trouble due to drinking, never had rows about it, never done it in secret, never taken days off work, never drunk in the day, can go 1 or 2 nights a week without it. I think all it is is i work hard looking after kids, the house, life in general, and i am vaguely BORED. Bored of watching TV in the evenings and a great way to relax is with the wine. Rather than thinking i am an alcoholic with an enormous problem, i think that essentially i DRINK A BIT TOO MUCH THAN I SHOULD. But i am wracked with guilt becasue of my sister (my mum wouldn't be able to cope f i told her i drank too much too, although my sister and I are in no way comparable.

I have thought long and hard today. Most of your comments have been great, a few hurtful, pious and presumptuous. I have spent a lot of time crying, told my DH who was so lovely, but reckons i am not an alcoholic, but i just need to cut down.

I feel so much better. Going on holiday tomorrow for 2 weeks. Going to have a few glasses whilst away with dinner but not every night and jut retrain myself with my DHs support.

I know i will now probably get lots of vitriolic stuff about denial, but i hope not.

Good luck Osborne and Turnip. I will always reply if ever you want to contact me. xx

Well if you start a thread like this then you have to expect a variety of replies. You posted as someone who drinks far too much. I'm glad you are going to do something about it, ie try and cut down, and I wish you well. It's a shame you saw my post as "hurtful, pious and presumptious" but there you go. Trying to help someone who is not 100% sure they have a problem is always going to put them on the defensive - I know as I have been that person myself. Best of luck to you.

Thank you TPL. And you're right. Sorry.. x

No problem

Good for you for making a plan and talking to your dh, Bankie - the important thing is, you know where to get support if ever you find yourself in a position where cutting down with family/friends support doens't work. Hopefully you'll never be in that place, but its not the end of the world if it happens

Have a wonderful holiday!

ps I'd tend to worry more about your friend's drinking than yours, given that you've been worried about the levels you drink and she has no fears at all. If that makes any sense.

im sorry if you didnt find replies helpful it is always difficult to answer posts like this

think the whole tone of your reply was a tad defensive but i don't take it personally...my husband is actually a problem drinker and stopped without assistance/support groups/AA etc. He drank too much- didn't wake up craving drink, could go without, could hold down a job. When he drank however he pretty much always drank too much and felt out of control of it. He started having memory blocks when drinking and that was his wake up call. I am from an alcoholic background (father) so understand the ins and outs of co-dependency etc

No-one wants you to have a problem and you should never rely on the word of another person who drinks to excess. I also think you may be (perhaps) subconsciously using your sister's alcoholism as a kind of double bluff...after all if her drinking had really made you analyse your drinking pattern, you would have cut down by now. Perhaps by having someone who will probably always be in a worse way gives you less reason to address YOUR drinking.

Whether you like it or not, memory blocks and feeling drunk quickly after years of too much alcohol is a bad sign that your liver may be having difficulty. Ask any GP or addiction professional. Not a criticism- as you say I don't know you and have no axe to grind...just a fact and I hope you can take my post in the spirit it is intended. Good luck with cutting down.

I think you hit a nail on the head, Bankie - BORED - All that time to fill, all that meaningless tv, all that stuff.... I drink far less when I am occupied. At the mo, I am trying to find an occupation!

I'm finding it quite hard too - I haven't fallen into the pit, but it can be a bit of a knife-edge. My dad's family are not all raging alcoholics but they are all completely mad, and a lot of alcohol is used (medicinally of course).

I hope you stop feeling guilty about drinking. It is hard at the moment when we have a government bent on telling us what to do and how to behave.

Have a fantastic holiday

I havent read through everyone's responses but I was once told that if you need a drink to relax then you have a drink "problem" - this makes almost everyone I know an alcoholic

My DH drinks every day, sometimes only one glass of wine (normally three!) and he thinks I am ridiculous to get 'upset' by it. I just worry for his health.

I drink perhaps one evening a week, but am terrible for binge drinking on the occassional night out - where i effectively drink to be tipsy. You have to ask which is worse really?

I also once read (cant remember where or if I made this uo (!) to tell DH) that you should have 3 24 hour periods a week of not drinking anything to clear your liver .. ?

I don't think that alcoholics "sound" like any particular kind of person.

Agree with the boredom. As a sahm with a husband who works really long hours, it splits night from day.

The first step (as I have been told numerous times) is to acknowledge a (potential) problem, which you have done. That's the hard bit and shows real courage.

Good luck and enjoy your holiday. Let us know how you get on. x

Hi !

I find it interesting that people prefer to be 'drink dependant' or have a 'drink problem', 'binge drink' rather than class themselves as being 'alcoholic'.

Seems to me that these are just more socially acceptable ways of describing the same issue. I have a problem with alcohol and will always be an alcoholic as that what it comes down to. You don't have to be drunk out your brain 24/7 to be one. If you find in anyway you have to use alcohol as a way of relaxing each day or needing to use it as a way to get smashed out your face one day a week - you might as well be honest... making excuses for ehy you do it is the first stage : denial ! Hope i dont seem harsh - i dont mean to be ;)

Hi !

I find it interesting that people prefer to be 'drink dependant' or have a 'drink problem', 'binge drink' rather than class themselves as being 'alcoholic'.

Seems to me that these are just more socially acceptable ways of describing the same issue. I have a problem with alcohol and will always be an alcoholic as that what it comes down to. You don't have to be drunk out your brain 24/7 to be one. If you find in anyway you have to use alcohol as a way of relaxing each day or needing to use it as a way to get smashed out your face one day a week - you might as well be honest... making excuses for ehy you do it is the first stage : denial ! Hope i dont seem harsh - i dont mean to be ;)

Its interesting what you say StarSparkle.

But i do increasingly think it seems to be people (on here) who have aknowledged their own alcoholism who seem to be quick to point the finger at others who aren't perhaps acoholics, but who question their motives for wanting a glass of wine of an evening.

I think you are wrong FWIW, to not make a distinction between someone who drinks 3 glasses of wine to relax, a weekend binge drinker, and someone who drinks vodka for breakfast. You may think its all the same thing and happily lump everyone together as alcoholics. But i think they are entirely separate.

Am in in denial? I don't think so, but i do question your motives for trying to suggest that i am. Does it make you feel better for who you are? This is not a bitchy thing i am asking, i am genuinely interested as to whether aknowlegded alcoholics might be pissed off (envious?)at other people who aren't alcoholics, but who drink a bit too much, but can handle it ok.

Oh God, please don't tear strips off me as its not directed at anyone in particular, its only a valid point of debate and genuinely interesting.