Dp keeps making me sick and it’s putting me off having sex with him

[SunShinyDayee]

Just wanted people’s advice as to how to deal with this. I am immunocompromised - nothing serious but I have a tendency to be badly affected by viruses.

I work in an office and commute to work on public transport. I wash my hands once off public transport. I’m not obsessed about cleanliness but I’m careful. I hardly ever pick up illnesses from work or when I’m out but I do pick everything up from Dp who is constantly sick. Dp works from home so he can rest up when he’s ill but goes out a few times a week to see friends or go to meetings.

He is ALWAYS ill with something over winter. He’s obese and has asthma so has a tendency to hold onto colds.

I am the breadwinner so it’s really important that I work and keep my job but when I’m sick, I stay at home as whenever I pick up a virus from Dp, I get a temperature and get really sick. Case in hand, he gave me Covid 2 weeks ago and I’m only just getting back to work. I know now I’m better he will want to have sex again (and I miss it too) but he has another cold and I know if we have sex, I will get sick and I’m meant to be travelling for work next week.

if I wait till he doesn’t have some sort of cold it will likely be many weeks. Am I being ridiculous? Do people kiss/have sex with their partners when they have colds/viruses?

I’d not be having sex with someone with a cold, it’s just not sexy (I’m thinking of Monica from friends). If his weight is affecting his health he should be doing something about that

Whenever DH or I are ill we are considerate about not sharing viruses or infections. I currently have a cold and am sleeping in the spare bedroom as DH has recently had heart surgery.

We sleep in separate rooms when one of us is ill so that the other one does get it.

Tricky.

When you say you're immunocompromised "but nothing serious" what do you mean? Do you have a chronic illness and/ or you're on drugs for it?
It's not a word to use casually unless you have a serious health condition.

The real issue is your partner is obese and not taking responsibility for his own health. That's where the changes have to start.

Have you talked to him seriously about his health and offered to support him to get help with weight loss?

Do people kiss/have sex with their partners when they have colds/viruses?

No and my DH would not expect me to.

TBH, if you live in the same house breathing the same air, being kissed isn't going to make a huge difference to the germs you breathe in.

It sounds more as if you simply don't fancy him and the germs issue is a bit of a side issue.

Would you agree?

Reminds me of Monica and Chandler when she’s full of cold and he won’t have sex with her and she’s being all flirty.
No, dh and I stay firmly on our own side of the bed if one of us is ill.
I’m immunocompromised too and dh would do everything to avoid making me ill.

Your 'D'H is a selfish git if he wants to have sex with you when he's got a cold, Covid or some other virus, and that goes double for the fact that you're immunocompromised and get really ill each time. Agree that he should do something about his own health first, before he risks yours.

We never kiss let alone have sex if one of us has a cold

I don't have sex if me or DH are ill. that's just basic decency imo. ooh ooh yes, hang on I just need to blow my nose....

being fat isn't an excuse for being ill. I'm obese with 3 school aged kids so exposed to plenty of germs. I'm only as ill as my slim friends. he needs to see a doctor if he's always ill.

how can you isolate that it's only him you pick up germs from? if you're on public transport and in an office, it seems odd you only get germs from your DH. remember it'll sometimes incubate for a few days so it might be coming from somewhere else.

No I fancy him when he’s not ill. I just don’t fancy him at all when he’s ill.

ok thanks - interesting, I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable.

I have a chronic health condition that makes me more susceptible to lingering effects from viruses/illnesses.

If he works from home how and where is he picking up all these colds and viruses?

Perhaps he should be looking at his life style and trying to improve his resilience and habits so that he isn't constantly ill. It would help both of you.

Personally surely mutual consideration for each other would mean no sex when you are going to be passing on germs? It sounds a total turn off anyway.

Needs to see a doctor if hes always ill, it wont be his weight.

If it’s normal winter colds I carry on regardless, you can’t stop for the sniffles. If you are properly ill you won’t be wanting sex! It sounds to me you are annoyed he has a social life.

I caught COVID from 20 minutes in a supermarket. I literally hadn't been anywhere else and my DH was away.
If you are really immunocompromised, I think you will be picking most things up from public transport and the office.
Washing your hands is no use when people are coughing, sneezing and breathing!

I’d be more concerned about your dp’s immune system than yours up til now, though I’d be a bit concerned about you immediately post Covid. I also can’t see that if you’re living with him, sex is going to make much difference to the infection risk, though if you’re too worried, it’s reasonable that you’re not going to feel up for it.

What does he do to boost his health?

What is that condition?

You're more at risk on public transport than at home.

Btw this year has been bad for colds, I’m on my 3rd one, so annoying, each lasting over 2 weeks, wrecked our holiday too, you try to carry on but had so little energy.

What does he do to help himself?

Being obese and having asthma is a recipe for a health disaster down the line.

He’s genuinely not bothered that he’s sick all the time. Though now that I said I didn’t fancy sex with him while he was so full of snot, perhaps that will change!

I don't know how you live with him or fancy him.
I could never fancy an obese man or one who had no interest in being healthy.

It's disrespectful to have sex when someone is full of cold. End of.

Different as I don't have a DH, I have a lovely FWB (friend with benefits) I only get to see once a month (due to distance and other commitments - also the reason we aren't in a serious relationship).

When he had a cold when we were due to meet, he repeatedly offered to cancel/rearrange so as not to make me ill, though he did leave the ball in my court ultimately. But I was very clear there was no pressure or expectation on his part. And that he was still keen to meet for his own sake, so the hesitatuon/offer to cancel was solely for my well being.

I decided to risk it as it was a lightish cold and I got lucky - I didn't catch it. It was a bit reckless in retrospect and maybe I wouldn't risk it again but I REALLY wanted to see him.

But my point is, if a casual FWB can show that level of concern, a husband ought to be showing about 10 times as much, surely?

Covid isn’t an STI, and colds generally are airborne. Washing your hands is great for preventing other infections, but if you want to prevent airborne infections, I'd wear a mask on public transport especially.
Do you have a spare room? I'd make it nice and I'd move into it as soon as DH starts sniffling. Also, open windows even just briefly in your shared spaces (appreciate it's cold). I'd be really clear straight away, oh no is that another cold you have coming, I don't want to get that from you, I'll stay away!

It might make him address the reasons for his frequent infections, or might not, but either way you will have less chance of catching them from him.

Masks do not stop you getting an infection unless you wear the clinical grade FF2 ones. A mask will stop you breathing out your own germs a little, but they don't filter viruses enough to stop you getting one.
And yes, hands do carry the virus it's not just airborne.

How do you know you are catching things from him? It seems much more likely that you catch them when commuting or from people in the office.

Why on earth would anyone want to be intimate when someone is ill and full of cold?! Op you need to have more confidence in your own judgement and decisions. It’s really not your problem if he is ill again, maybe it will encourage him to take care of himself…

We have all been ill on rotation since the end of August. It is a terrible year for illnesses.