Dp keeps making me sick and it’s putting me off having sex with him

[SunShinyDayee]

Just wanted people’s advice as to how to deal with this. I am immunocompromised - nothing serious but I have a tendency to be badly affected by viruses.

I work in an office and commute to work on public transport. I wash my hands once off public transport. I’m not obsessed about cleanliness but I’m careful. I hardly ever pick up illnesses from work or when I’m out but I do pick everything up from Dp who is constantly sick. Dp works from home so he can rest up when he’s ill but goes out a few times a week to see friends or go to meetings.

He is ALWAYS ill with something over winter. He’s obese and has asthma so has a tendency to hold onto colds.

I am the breadwinner so it’s really important that I work and keep my job but when I’m sick, I stay at home as whenever I pick up a virus from Dp, I get a temperature and get really sick. Case in hand, he gave me Covid 2 weeks ago and I’m only just getting back to work. I know now I’m better he will want to have sex again (and I miss it too) but he has another cold and I know if we have sex, I will get sick and I’m meant to be travelling for work next week.

if I wait till he doesn’t have some sort of cold it will likely be many weeks. Am I being ridiculous? Do people kiss/have sex with their partners when they have colds/viruses?

She’s not kissing the bus/train.

Eiw 🤢

Yanbu OP
I am also immune compromised and still recovering from a bug my DH gave me when we had sex two weeks ago. I will be likely telling him no for quite some time yet.

Obesity will be making his asthma worse.

How on earth do you know where you catch the colds from? Going to work on public transport and working with other people (who might also travel on public transport) will increase your risk of catching things.

You shouldn’t be having sex with anyone if you don’t want to, and your DH needs to start thinking about his long-term health.

YANBU. DH would not expect to get close with a cold and would take himself off to sleep elsewhere.

I would spell it out to him so that he understands, not looking after himself to that degree is deeply unattractive.

Yuk, no we wouldn't even kiss when either me or DH has a cold, let alone have sex. Both because it's gross and I don't want to catch it when he's ill, and because when I'm ill, sex is the last thing I want to do.

I went through a phase of getting loads of colds, one after another. I got bloods done and my Vitamin D was non-existent. After prescription replacement I felt like a new woman! It might be something really simple - try to persuade him to see the GP.

He needs to take more responsibility for his health, washing hands frequently etc. But if he has a cold all winter, sounds like his immunity isn't great either, I don't know if this would be due to weight.

I have an autoimmune condition and I'm a bit immuni compromised as a result of that, and the medication I'm on. I have a cold almost all the time in the winter as a result, but I can't take sick leave for 4 months, I'm working through with the odd day of eick leave, and then spending most of the weekends ceashed out.

It's miserable, and if your partner is going through the same, you need to give him a bit of sympathy, as well as advice on preventing infections, for his own sake as well as yours.

I fucking hate being sick. And I also have very little empathy for sick males, they make such a fuss. DH knows better than to expect anything if he’s sick. And he gets about 5:1 more colds than me.

I agree with this 👆

He is selfish and using you as a sex prop. No basic decency. Any upside in this relationship for you?

If your husband won't take responsibility for his health for his own sake, then he should for yours.

I suspect he has no idea how hard viruses hit you - I imagine you cope so well with what is normal for you that he doesn't see it as an issue.

You don't have to have sex when you don't feel like it, even with your husband when he wants it. Given your health condition, I'd argue that he should sleep in the spare room if you have one whenever he gets ill.

Are you serious?

If someone sneezes in a train carriage there are studies to show the virus travels the entire length of the carriage.

You don't need to kiss the seats.

Many posters here aren't aware of how viruses travel and are caught.

Virus and bacteria can live on surfaces for hours. On transport, shops and cafes.

There was a prog on TV showing how, if you sneeze, the droplets can travel 30 ft or more and infect people who breathe them in. So if someone on the bus or train sneezes, you can be infected.

Those bugs are the handles, seats and everything you touch. If you touch your face or wipe your nose etc you risk being infected.

Yes, but if OP is really intent on reducing her risk of catching infections, that's what she would need to do? As pps have said, she has no idea whether she's catching viruses from her DH or the public, and she seems to think that washing her hands is preventing infections from public transport. It won't be

Same @RocknRollBand

Not one responder has mentioned wearing a mask when in crowded environments, e.g. public transport; doctor's surgery; hospitals; shops.
Masks should be of the FFP3 / N95 standard.

They are not that expensive and can be used by the ordinary person (i.e. not those in a highly compromised medical situation) for a whole day's being worn constantly and/or for more than one occasion when used "on and off" for short periods.

Covid is very much still around, though not mentioned by govt, media and health authorities.

It is a very great health hazard and is likely to have irreversible, long-term harms to a great many people - let alone people who are "immuno-compromised".

If I were you, OP, I would be considering whether it's worth risking my long term health, and therefore my quality of life, by staying with a partner who has so little care for your health / sickness situation.

Additionally, we should all be considering installing air-purification units at home, in schools and in our offices. These filter the air & can screen out viruses. One no-for-profit company which supplies them is SmartAir UK.

I've got three of their "Squair" air-purifiers in my home. They cost very little to run and ensure that, alongside good ventilation, I'm breathing clean air in my home.

OP should definitely consider getting tooled up with these if you are going to stay with this partner.

A mask is no use to me when I have a cold. I blow my nose constantly and would have to keep taking my mask off.

Going to work isn’t optional though but her DH could do more to help
it’s a balance. I’m lifelong immunocompromised and don’t use public transport but I do go to the supermarket because I can’t make my life too small as it’s forever
hibernate more in winter, in summer I’m more social with outdoor things

He works from home, you are out in the public. But you say all of your illnesses come from him? That doesn't compute unless he goes out for multiple breaks during the day? Washing your hands doesn't mean you aren't picking up infectious diseases outside of the home. You don't know when/were you are exposed to diseases - you can estimate all you like, but it's not scientific fact.

You say he'll want sex now you're better, but he's still unwell. It's your choice. Sleep in a different room (if you have space). Don't share a bathroom (if you have more than one). Take steps at home to avoid reinfection - you said "I know if we have sex, I will get sick and I’m meant to be travelling for work next week." Don't do it then. I'm struggling to follow some of the logic on this thread.

Yes we do too.

Since when were viruses and bacteria only transmissible by kissing?

He needs to lose weight. Obesity is unsexy as well as unhealthy.

How is being obese related to ‘holding onto colds’ ?

Usually because being obese means you have inflammation throughout your body and an immune system that is struggling anyway trying to cope with the internal inflammation (and probably not doing any exercise to improve his immune system.)