How healthy are your 80 year old relatives?

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My 80yo DF definitely seems frailer than even a year ago.

Is this typical for an 80yo?

I wonder how his health & wellbeing compare to the average. He was quite old when I was born so my peers' parents tend to be younger.

He doesn't have any professional care.
He lives independently.
He drives to the local shop every day but recently has stopped driving any further.
He does his own laundry.
He seems to have stopped having a bath so I assume he's sponge washing at the sink. (Never showered)
He cooks his own simple meals using the hob & sometimes the oven.
We get big items delivered for him as he doesnt seem able to carry much weight these days. He seems to only carry one carrier bag worth at a time.
He can still climb stairs but slowly and holding on.
He was slim but has become overweight.
He spends most of his day sitting.
He feels the cold so has the heating on high (22/23) all year and keeps the windows closed.
He has lost over 6in in height and is quite stooped over now.
He would never go shopping for new clothes. When we see that clothes have worn away we buy him new ones.
His eyesight seems to have deteriorated as he doesn't even read the tv guide or supermarket offers anymore. I don't think he can see his phone. He doesn't do reply texts anymore.
His hearing has deteriorated. He can't hear normal speech volume anymore.
His self care/ housekeeping is poor. He would never change his bedsheets for example. He can wash a dish at the sink but can't bend to the dishwasher anymore. He would never hoover/mop/dust to the extent of cobwebs hanging.

How normal is all this for an 80yo?

He's never had any big health issues, no cancer, heart disease, diabetes etc. He does take statins for HBP.

It’s varied. DH’s Grandma lived until 100 and was physically fine until just after her 100 birthday but she also had dementia. My Mum died at 76 and my Dad at 78 is slowing down but he is grieving the loss of my Mum.

It sounds like he needs needs glasses and a hearing aid. It’s time to get him a cleaner and start more long term planning.

My gran passed away at 84 a couple of years ago. However she had basically lived her life sitting on her armchair in pain for about 8 years before that. Lots of random ailments and in the end, cancer.

Father 86 lives independently- walks every day - exercise classes - eats well but slim - just creaky lower back

My inlaws both went downhill from aged 80. FinL due to cancer - sadly died about a year later .
MinL has got a lot frailer, can't lift much anymore .

There's generally a big difference between a couple in their 80's compared to a widow.

Couples split chores and can generally get on with life ok but, in my experience anyway, a widow of a similar age will need a lot of support.

Fil seems spry as ever. There is a huge shift in MIL lately. I’m getting really worried, especially because the rest of the family seems to expect her to just keep doing everything she has always done.

my father has always had health problems, largely related to alcohol, they just patch him up in the hospital and he keeps going. I’m pretty sure he will outlive me.

My parents are 80 and 81. They are still as fit as they were in their late 60s I'd say. They both garden and volunteer in various ways and my dad still plays in an amateur orchestra. They are a bit slower than they were and feel the cold more, also dad is getting very thin. But they are doing pretty well

Thats absolutely true.

My inlaws sort of prop each other up and are there immediately to action any issues.

Once Dad was on his own all.these things become apparent. Plus he was grieving so add in loneliness, sadness/depression etc. Not a surprise he appeared to go "downhill" at that point.

My mum was cleaning and gardening until her mid 80s. In fact took her first holiday abroad at 80. However a major fall mid 80s stopped all that and it was a slow and steady downhill trajectory for the next decade. Everyone is different.

What you have described doesn't sound at all unusual for an 80 yr old.

As others have said, it is a 'how long is a piece of string?' type question as there will be huge differences in all 80 yr olds.

I know (or have known) 90 yr olds more active than that and I've known people under 70 who are less active.

The point is, you don't put in support for someone because they have turned 80. You put in support at a time when they need support.

It sounds like maybe a couple of hours of home help might be a good idea for him now, even if it is only once a fortnight. They could change the sheets, and work out with him what jobs he finds difficult.

At 84, my Aunt employed her neighbour's teen to do things she found more challenging - from changing a light bulb, to moving furniture she wanted to clean behind, to changing sheets / making the bed. It was an ad hoc relationship both were happy with - they'd arrange a time and he'd come over. Would something like that help him?

I’d say hearing and sight issues is to be expected by 80.
My dad 79 is still very active and slim, hasn’t slowed down at all really, though he has always been a bags of energy person. He’s still happy to drive distances.
My mum 78 however is definitely slowing down, both physically and mentally, had a minor car accident where she misjudged a distance, this has put her off driving far. She doesn’t like to walk distances anymore either and has had minor ‘falls’, think her balance isn’t as good now.
Neither of them have ever been ill with more than flu.

My DM is 84. She lives independently doing all household tasks and still drives. Walks to the shop for her paper each morning. She goes to the church and to her exercise class. She does her garden. Sometimes she needs help with heavy tasks but that's about it. She is pretty healthy overall.

I have relatives in their 60s who are nothing like this. One who is 64 can't walk more than 10 minutes. Plenty of energy to pick fights and argue though, but that's another story.

It's a real motivator to stay on top of exercise, healthy eating and good habits. I never want to end up like that.

Your parents sound great. I assume they have always led healthy, active lives?

My grandad was still working at 80 driving school run buses;he retirement coincided with the lockdown;he's 85 and his health has been in decline since.

My grandmother is 80 and had bowel cancer diagnosed during the first lockdown;she's been declining too since then and now it looks as though the cancer is back;she's really very ill and frail at the moment.

My FIL is nearly 84 and is in fine health,he puts myself and DH to shame;he spends half an hour on his exercise bike daily,goes rambling with friends and has an extremely active social life;he's always doing something,it can actually be hard to pin him down at times although he does get quite morbid at times when another friend/neighbour/ex colleague etc passes especially if they were younger than him.

My great great grandmother lived until she was 103;She was in pretty good health until her final two years on this earth but she really went down hill massively in those last few months.

My mum is 58 and is in shocking health;she doesn't really look after herself and ended up never recovering from a knee operation although I strongly suspect it's psychological as she's become addicted to pain medication especially tramodol and is comfortable not working and getting a fair bit in benefits.The prescription drug addiction leaves her completely muddled most of the time and with the way she's going she won't make it to retirement age as I think the drugs have left long term damage.How she manages to get the doctors to keep prescribing these drugs I don't know.Her behaviour scares me to the point I won't even take a paracetamol unless a headache/pain is unbearable.

Thanks.

That's all really helpful.

It's made me be much more aware of keeping myself healthy anyway as I can see how broad the spectrum is of 80+ ability.

He does get a lot of near daily support from the wider family.

Things like helping with life admin such as car insurance renewal.

We also do deep cleans etc

He just doesn't really care about being house proud. He never has friends as visitors.

He does see pals out of the house regularly but does t do any active hobbies.

He's never been in a gym in his life. Never did swimming/tennis/cycling/golf or anything.

He was very tall so the 6in isn't so extreme & is mostly the hunch from poor posture sitting all day.

He does walk to the chemist for his prescriptions but wouldn't go to the gp unless nagged.

He went from his mums house to having a wife for 30 years (now divorced) so never really learned independent living skills.

He probably is a bit depressed but is also lazy & selfish & it can be difficult to help him improve anything as he's very resistant to change. Eg he doesnt care that he can't hear the phone or door bell.

This has been very useful!

My mum died at 77 from dementia and was in a care home for her last 2.5 years. Dad was run ragged with the stress of it all. A year before she died he was rushed in to hospital and had a quadruple bypass. Came out of it all a rejuvenated man. After mum died he found himself a girlfriend similar age to mum and they're having holidays all over the place from the money he saved up not going away with mum.

What we thought was stress over my mum turned out to be blocked arteries.

It's great to see him happy again. And great for her too as her husband died a year before my mum in the same unit.

I don’t know. Mine died younger than 80. One in their 50s and one in their 70s.

Getting a cleaner isn’t just about cleaning his house. It’s about getting him to accept help from people outside of the family and getting used to someone in his space for when he needs carers later.

People vary so much but a few things jumped out at me from your post.

1- sight and hearing. Has he had a recent sight and hearing test? Up to date glasses and hearing aids make a huge difference and can slow further decline.
2-can he afford a cleaner (and there may be financial help available on this). Sounds like this would make a big difference and some cleaners will change beds and launder sheets, or they could go to an external laundry.
3- would he use a shower if he had one? Are there adaptations that would enable him to use the bath?

Ugh, don't get me started.
My remaining (abusive) 81 yo parent is unfortunately quite healthy.
They are literally sitting in my life and blocking my plans, so well deserved.
😕

Across DH and my family we only have two relatives left that are 80+.

One is living in a nursing home with dementia, pretty frail, and recently had a hospital stay after a fall resulted in a fracture that required an operation. Physically and mentally appears to have taken quite a significant sudden dip after that.

The other lives alone but also has dementia and sees one relative or another every day for support with e.g. cleaning, shopping, appointments, dog walking and so on. Big family, loads of children nearby so the care is shared across quite a lot of people. This relative is pretty well though all things considering, dementia progress slowed with meds and isn't severe yet, and physically pretty mobile and well considering their age.

My dm same age is almost exactly the same as your df although hasn’t driven for several years and can’t shop. She is not keeping up with housework etc but refusing all offers of help as very independent by nature.

My mum is 85.

A little overweight
Type 2 insulin dependent diabetic
High Blood pressure
High cholesterol
Less than ideal kidney function
Smokes about 10-15 cigarettes a day (she gave up for 16 years then restarted)
Heart attack in 2017
Underactive thyroid
Doesn't exercise
Diet about 80% UPFs

She also does her own shopping and banking online, her own housework and gardening (neighbour mows the lawn but she does the rest), personal care, make up & hair etc...and has a 67yo FWB 🤦🏼‍♀️

So to answer your question, not very healthy at all and hasn’t been for nearly 10 years and struggling with everyday living.

I do think couples manage to cope a bit better than widows/widowers.

When my father was alive, he was in his 80s and could shop, drive and use the internet whereas my mother couldn’t but she was good at organising and telling him what to do and what they needed. They muddled through together.