OJ 's HUGS, RUM & CHOCCIE SUPPORT THREAD

[bossybritches]

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i emailed the SW this morning to see if she has any ideas, debbie the Mac nurse was going to talk to the SW about things too.
she has just emailed me back.....

Dear Jo,
How did it go with Mike yesterday evening?
Debbie called me to dicuss how we could make things better. We both feel that if there is no improvement we will have to stop trying to be even-handed and spell out to her what will not be tolerated .
Alan stated yesterday that they had comfirmation from a solicitor that if you so chose you have a legal right to refuse her entry.
I am happy to support you in any choice you make but I know any decision will ultimately be hard for you.
You don't need me to tell you that you have to keep strong or Steven will have to be readmitted, he would not go to another family member, not to mention how the children would be cared for.
I have a meeting now but will check back in later. I can be there again next Tuesday if you want that.
Linda

sorry NAB i must have missed your message i just cant keep up, i can't think of anything steve would like that is postable, he is still into trifles and ice lollys are popular now too.
he loves his new electric bed with sides on it so he can't fall out, it makes things easier for us as he needs two people to move him now.
i am feeling lots better i think it was just my IBS playing up, thou i can't think why i might be stressed

OJ Glad you have the support with MIL.

OJ you have done so well putting up with this cruel old witch of a woman.

If you did stop her visits now it would take some of the pressure off you, and give you more emotional energy to cope with everything. But would you then feel guilty in the future?

I think you are fantastic, and no one could say you haven't done the best you possibly could for all of your family.

Let me know if you want another trifle delivery. I can do that! Do you want a lolly maker?

that the SW is saying Steve would have to be readmitted. You know what you have to do, love. He comes first, last and in the middle and his mother is clearly selfish.

Oj, am glad that the sw is being supportive.

It does sound from her email though as if she is leaning towards you stopping the visits. Her talk of steve having to be re-admitted/what would happen to the children sounds very much to me like her saying "we know we can't tell you what to do, but if you don't then this is what will happen".

I would be inclined to stop all visits from her, but maybe allow Mike to visit as it does sound as if he is capable of reason. And maybe near the end, (and you will know when that is), you could contact her and ask her if she wanted to come and say goodbye. That way you won't have denied her the opportunity to say goodbye to her son, but equally you won't have to have her abuce twice a week and you can spend the next weeks making happy times for you/steve/the kids.

i have replied to SW....
Mike left a message on home phone saying he would come at 7, he then texted me to say was it ok to vist at 7 so i said yes thats fine, he was ok with me and left me wondering if his mum had spoken to him and i feel sure that would have been the first thing she did when she got home. if she has spoken to Mike then all credit to him for being ok with me as i was expecting some aggro last night.
As for Mrs E i think it needs spelling out to her very clearly cos i don't see things changing otherwise and it is all taking up too much time when we don't have much time left.
As you know i feel i have been very fair towards her and have not been abusive like she has so many times to me, it is very hurtful to hear her saying the things she keeps saying on top of which the issue that she is more than happy to be abusive about me to Steve and within earshot of steve, i am trying to be strong and trying to do the best for steve that is all i have ever tried to do and all that i want to do, what hurts the most is that she is trying to tarnish the time we have and all the memories that we have too.
If steve was aware of what was happening he would be very upset and angry with his Mum, it is very hard that i don't have my soul mate to confide in any more Steve would know what to do in this situation i just feel like i am walking on eggshells and waiting for the next lot of abuse.

jo

I'm SO glad you are getting support from the SW and MAc Nurse re the cowbag MIL.

My twopenceworth? You can't possibly make her any more rude/obnoxious/unhelpful/nasty than she already is being to you, so I don't think you should worry about her reaction if you stop her coming. I would suggest that you say she is no longer welcome in your house unless Steve specifically asks for her. He is obviously uncomfortable regarding her visits, hence him asking for them to "calm down" and asking you to sit and hold his hand whilst she is there. Let Mike continue to visit, unless he exhibits any threatening behaviour, then out he goes too.

But I'm not there and I'm not you so it's just my opinion from what I read on here.

i feel so much conflict thou, my head says ban them my heart says they need to come and steve needs to see them.
at the end of all this i want to be able to hold my head up and know that i have done the very best for steve. we only have the one chance at this so it needs to be right.
Debbie the Mac nurse is off today but will ring me tomorrow she is always very fair and honest and i respect that.

OJ, all along we have told you, you are the better person, but I think enough is enough now.

Her probabtion must be up now and her outrageous abuse on her last visit is surely the icing on the cake. You do not want for Steve to go back into the Hospice, so I think she now needs to be told the unreasonable behaviour ceases immediately or she's out. As long as it is made clear to her that is not what you wanted to do but she has left you with no choice and there are plenty of witnesses then DO IT.

She is upsetting everyone and her own Son in his last days, she does not give a flying feck bout Steve, how could she, she has no respect for you.

You want these days with Steve to be calm and peaceful, this is not acceptable. She should be trying to redeem herself in Steves eyes, well sorry but, the survey says................

YOU FAILED YOUR SON !

Ultimatley OJ you do what you think is best, but have no regrets or allow ANYBODY make you feel like she is.

BIG BIG VAGGY hugs. xxxxx

so before all this did steve have a good relationship with them?

Is steve happy when they are here or adgitated? is he enjoying their visits? or are they setting him back/making him unhappy?

Does he ask for them? If they didn't come would he ask for them?

At the end of the day wouldn't it be better for Steve to be able to think back to the good times rather than have his last weeks tarnished by the abuse his mother has been throwing?

What wannaBe said.

The thing is, if it is spelled out to her the consequences of her not moderating her behaviour - ie she is given a final warning, and she still continues to be obnoxious, then she has made her own decision about what her priorities are and you don't need to feel guilty about stopping her from coming.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for - whatever happens about Steve's family's visits.

Does Steve REALLY want to see her? I suspect not.....

I think the suggestion of banning her and getting her back to say good bye was a very sound one.....she can't make your remaining time with Steve so stressful, its just not on for either of you. she has no right to make you feel like this

sounds like you've got a fab mac nurse and SW

{{Hugs}} to you - only you can call this one

OJ, whatever you decide, you can hold your head up and know you have done the right thing for Steve.

OJ - I am another that has not posted before although I check regularly to see how things are for you. I think the most important thing is that you need to look after yourself, both physically and mentally, as well as possible in the horrible situation you are in because Steve and your DCs need you so much. It is your decision and yours alone as to whether you continue to let your mil in your house but I do feel that the aggro is causing you an awful lot of unnecessary stress. Don't know what else to say really ..just look after yourself.

SW just rang, she is going to come on tuesday when MIL comes to vist, Linda the SW say that herself and the Mac nurse will arrange to see MIl and slap her spell things out to her, i don't think we have time for that to be honest.
i will see what debbie says tomorrow.
Steves bed is fab and i can confirm that it is very comfy, we had a lovely snooze in it this morning in fact it is so comfy i think i will sleep there tonight.

Glad to hear that you and Steve are able to spend some time together, just snuggled on the bed.

OJ I can think of nothing nicer for you both at this time than to lye with one another and fall asleep together.

How lovely for you OJ. Is your tummy better?

Aw, how nice, being able to cuddle up (and know that you won't fall out )

yes my tummy is ok at the moment, i have just come back from the friday night tea at ikea with the girls school mates, i cant remember who asked but yes we live very near to ikea.

Dearest OJ,

It doesn't sound as though you have much time left

At the end of the day you have to live with your decisions and your actions re your MIL. You need to do what you have to do so that you can live with your actions. You have always put Steve first. You need to think of yourself and your energy levesl and what you can cope with as well. You do what you are happy to do.

Whatever decision you make re. your MIL, it will be the right one. You are such a wonderful woman. I feel so proud to "know" you.

Lots of love for the happies weekend you can have.

xxx

OJ, sharing a bed sounds nive and cosy. Those beds are great aren't they .

I know you feel torn where MIL is concerned but this situation is ALL her own making. And she's NOT thinking of Steve at all otherwise he would not be so abusive to you, his wife and even shout at you in front of him, something that obviously upsets Steve. So pleased he is wanting YOU by his side. Hope the IBS has calmed down somewhat.

I hope the good weather lasts and you're able to have the conservatory doors open during the day and let the sun stream in. It almost feels like bringing the outside in for Steve. Love to you all. xxx