hi. looking for recovered ED or bulimia sufferers... quick question...

[juicychops]

ive been refered to an eating disorder (bulimia) specialist, but im on a waiting list which could still take months. this specialist will deal with everything such as the psychological issues and councelling , my diet and also medication.

but in the mean time i am seeing a dietition once a month. i have seen her once so far 2 weeks ago.
she has given me loads of leaflets etc and given me ideas to cut down binging and throwing up and i am really trying but still cant resist the urge as when i go nearly a whole day without binging i get so unbelievably moody and miserable and feel sick and get a headache. it just feels impossible.

she told me instead of trying to stop altogether for now just try and cut it down to throwing up once a day ( i have it quite bad and do it up to about 6 times per day).

so im going a whole day planning to just have one small binge in an evening but im trying to get past the urge to do that one binge as i have gone a whole day without it.

do you understand what i mean?

but the mood swings and anger and anxiety i feel is just impossible to get past so i end up binging then throwing up cos i cant stop myself.

the dietition said when i see the specialist they will prob put me on Prozac as like ive described stopping binging and purging will make me depressed. but i dont want to wait months longer im so ready to deal with this now but the moods and anxiety is stopping me.

if i went to the doctor would they put me on medication now, or would they tell me to wait to see the specialist?

i am so so desperate and its truly ruining my life. not to mention costing me the earth money wise

Although I don't have any experience with this I am fairly sure that your gp would prescribe medication for you, particularly if you are as honest as you have been here. Well done for tackling this and good luck with it

Thanks for replying carmenere. ive just had a thought i could ring the dietitions and ask to bring my appointment forward with her to see what she says. although i dont know what i expect her to say

oh juicychops, this is horrendous. I am anorexic and have been seeing an EDT for 2.5y now. its a vicious circle and i think that if you go to see your gp and explain they will prescribe ads in the meantime. you CAN move past this, but it will be very tough.x

thanks lissielou. ive got work tomorrow and Tuesday so i think on Wednesday i will go docs if i still feel as bad. (which i prob will)

i know its a difficult thing to get through but in my mind i think that once ive started seeing a specialist il be cured in a few months although deep down i know it could be a very long time.

it is a long jurney, you hsve to retrain your brain and your body. but its managable. I have been a good weight for about 6m now, but still struggle.

Hi Juicychops, I suffered from both anorexia and bullimia for 14 years and now am 4 years in recovery, I am still not truly over it and still have bad days, though they are few and far between.

From everything I have read of your post it sounds like your treatment is fairly the same mine was. I saw a dietition every month and every week I saw a CPN who I would have to show my weekly food diary too. There were days that were bloody tough and I seriously hated my CPN and my DH, but I'm through it, like I say on the whole.

As to my medication, I was put on Prozac when I asked for it and it was monitered by my doctor weekly.

Good luck with it all, you have done the most important step already, which is asking for help. If you need to talk, I am here.

thanks Lumpsdumps. can i ask, how did you get through the bad days? im having a rough time today. im determined to get through the day without binging or throwing up and it is killing me.
i have patience for nothing and no one ive been moaning and shouting at ds all afternoon. had to go to bed for an hour this afternoon just to lay there so that there was nothin that could stress me out. feel so so angry and shit. every time my ds talks to me i feel anger rise in me cos i cant even be bothered to listen to him.

im being an awful mum today and i cant help it. when im calm im trying to give him lots of cuddles and telling him i love him, but within the next sentence if he says somethin or i drop something on the floor accidently or nock something out of place just stupid insignificant things i loose my mind and get so angry.

if i manage to get through today which i dont know i will yet, then tomorrow will be even worse and i dont know how im going to handle it

Hi Juicychops, sorry about the delay with getting back to you. I remember on so many days having crap mummy days, my 4 kids knew and know that I was very ill and no I didn't mean to shout at them. Cuddles are sometimes the only thing that works, even if you don't feel like cuddling, force yourself to do it. The love you feel back from them is unconditional and does get you through it. On my bad days, I just had to ride through and hope that the following day would be better, support is good, if you have a good friend or partner talk and talk to them, I'm sure they won't mind. This is what I would do. I seriously think it is time though from what you are saying that you need to get medication, don't be ashamed of it, it is there to help you. It does get easier, believe me. I am in work tomorrow until 2, if you want to leave me a message, please do so and I will reply to you as soon as I get home again. Keep talking it will help.

hi lumpsdumps thanks for replying to me. im at work today.
i made it through yesterday without throwing up and binging even though i was truly desperate last night and me and dp had an argument cos i was snappy with him and he didn't know why.
i wrote him a letter and put it in his bag for him to read today explaining everything. even though he knows about my illness, i played it down a lot when i told him so this letter is an honest account of everything and my feelings and about wanting to go on medication etc. so hopefully he will be a bit more understanding. as soon as he came round last night he grabbed the fat on my belly when i was showing him my sunburn cos its got a bit bigger lately. that just made my mood even worse

feel ok today so far. im glad i got through the day. the last time i went a day was new years day. in the 6 years ive had this i dont think ive ever gone 2 days in a row so im going to try so hard to get through today too. depending on how i feel tonight i might go docs tomorrow morning instead of waiting til Wednesday when im not at work.

I didn't see a dietician or have medication. What worked for me were group sessions with some counsellors. It took some time but I have been recovered now for 15 years. The breakthrough came for me when I decided that there was no reason for me not to be happy; I didn't 'need' to feel bad about myself/guilty/unworthy, etc.

I decided to act as 'if' I was 'normal' and I fooled myself into thinking I was!

Ive made it to day 2. the longest ive gone since i was pregnant over 3 years ago. very proud of myself but feel like i am going a bit crazy. felt shit last night and my dp couldn't understand why its making me feel the way it is.

i am also going to the toilet to wee loads and had to get up twice in the night. is this a side effect? im not drinking any more than normal

hopefully i can make it to day 3

If you're not drying yourself out as much by vomiting perhaps you have more fluid to get rid of the conventional way? Your kidneys are probably benefting.

Keep going! You're doing really well. A day at a time,a day at a time. Don't look beyond today.

I too admire you juicychops. Keep going and be easy on yourself x

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement it means a lot. my dp is helping me a lot. Hes teaching me how to eat properly. he thinks i eat like a machine eat really quickly without chewing my food properly and swallow too much in one go. i do feel like a baby, but he thinks it will help me to start enjoying my food again and maybe i wont need to eat as much.

tonight we are going to have a proper meal together. nothing big, but last night i only had 1 toast and bit of scrambled egg cos im scared of feeling full up and then needing to throw up.

so tonight will be something like pie and oven chips, although only a small portion.

i am dreading tomorrow as im off work so gotta keep really busy all day. But got to get through tonight first

He could be right!

You'll be fine tomorrow. Maybe buy some magazines or books? Or plan a huge spring clean? Or make something>?

It sounds as though you are doing some useful things. I too went to a dietician, which, although it didn't feel very helpful at the time, has been really good in retrospect. I was diagnosed nearly 25 years ago, after suffering for about 5+ years. I had a lot of psychological treatment before finally being prescribed Prozac, which did the trick. I have been free of EDs now for 15 years, but it is so painful to be living with it. I gave up counting how often I binged and threw up. Just all day every day.

They may want the specialist to see you to decide how much Prozac or whatever they want to give you, then keep a close eye on you for a bit. If you are getting through days at a time without bingeing, you are doing very very well!

Hi Juicychops, sounds like you are doing really well, but one thing I will say is don't pressurise yourself as it could make things worse. I did this and ended up going backwards loads. My CPN said that if I worked out how many times I was sick a day then take back by a third then I was having a good day. I also ended up with OCD after I stopped being sick to replace the feeling of being sick. I think you are doing fab. Just take it one day at a time.

hi lumpsdumps and everyone else. made it 3 days now and now on day 4. taking ds swimming later. still feel good about not being sick but feel like im putting on loads of weight which i hate and feel all bloated. feel like i dont wanna eat anything as i know im trying not to throw it back up.

last night i went for a little jog to take my mind off food.
Tomorrow my dp isn't round and also my ds will be staying at his great aunts for the night. ever since i woke up this morning ive been thinking about all the nice fod i could go and buy tomorrow for a big binge like i would normally when dp or ds isnt here. Im in 2 minds at the monent. part of me is thinking ive done so well so far and dont ruin it tomorrow night being stupid, and just find things to occupy myself to take my mind off it, but part of me is thinking go on, just do it, its only one night, think of all the nice food i can have.
if i do binge tomorrow night and throw up i might not be able to start being good again afterwards.

feel ok at the moment, but by tomorrow its going to be driving me crazy all day deciding what to do. i hate the way my mind works.

also rang docs today but my doc isn't there until next week so got an appointment for next wednesday about going on medication

i often describe my ana as my evil twin, she tells me that i will feel better if i dont eat. its only a short term fix. but unfortunately it doesnt work like that, 4d is, you hve done so well. i know you are craving it, but it wont make you feel better. please stay strong x

thanks lissielou i will really try. its easier said than done though. but i will try.

i try and look at it like all the food i buy to binge on, its nice when i eat it but i dont NEED it, it just makes me feel crap afterwards and once ive thrown it up its all wasted and a waste of money, and there are better things i can spend that money on.

i want my'evil twin' to die!

i know, but it is possible to control/ignore her. i wish i could say that it will go away, but i will say that it gets easier. dont be afaid to mourn it too. we start these things when we are vulnerable and it becomes a way to lift our mood and control some aspect of our lives. it did serve a purpose at some point. but now you can live without it!

You're on Day Four! That's terrific. Come back here and post if you are feeling the cravings. We'll distract you.

Hi all
stumbled across this thread so I hope you don't mind me joining in. juicychops just keep taking one day at a time, it's really the only way to get through this.

I suffered with anorexia (and still do if I'm honest) and am now 12 + 3. find it very hard to keep eating but I do just force myself. Now feel very fat and awful but nothing i can do about it! I have had therapy etc but it wasn't that successful for me - any thoughts anyone?