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Original poster

hi. looking for recovered ED or bulimia sufferers... quick question...

75 replies

juicychops · 27/04/2008 10:52

ive been refered to an eating disorder (bulimia) specialist, but im on a waiting list which could still take months. this specialist will deal with everything such as the psychological issues and councelling , my diet and also medication.

but in the mean time i am seeing a dietition once a month. i have seen her once so far 2 weeks ago.
she has given me loads of leaflets etc and given me ideas to cut down binging and throwing up and i am really trying but still cant resist the urge as when i go nearly a whole day without binging i get so unbelievably moody and miserable and feel sick and get a headache. it just feels impossible.

she told me instead of trying to stop altogether for now just try and cut it down to throwing up once a day ( i have it quite bad and do it up to about 6 times per day).

so im going a whole day planning to just have one small binge in an evening but im trying to get past the urge to do that one binge as i have gone a whole day without it.

do you understand what i mean?

but the mood swings and anger and anxiety i feel is just impossible to get past so i end up binging then throwing up cos i cant stop myself.

the dietition said when i see the specialist they will prob put me on Prozac as like ive described stopping binging and purging will make me depressed. but i dont want to wait months longer im so ready to deal with this now but the moods and anxiety is stopping me.

if i went to the doctor would they put me on medication now, or would they tell me to wait to see the specialist?

i am so so desperate and its truly ruining my life. not to mention costing me the earth money wise

OP posts:
dreamymum · 30/04/2008 12:46

hi juicy. first of all, it hink its great that you are on here.
i think it is ridiculous and possibly pointless to just try to get you to cut back.
why don't you try nlp. this is something that really really worked for me and it doesnt take years or involve any pills...

OracleInaCoracle · 30/04/2008 16:13

riven, for me it came to a head after i had ds, i had severe pnd and my weight dropped to just under 6st again. my gp convinced me to see a specialist. where in the uk are you?

AutumnLady · 30/04/2008 16:45

lissielou - did you get to see a specialist quite quickly and was it any good? the one in my area, well we don't get on let's put it that way!

OracleInaCoracle · 30/04/2008 17:22

it took about 3m to get an appointment, but they were very worried about me at the time. he's fab. just lets me rant and talk. have you contacted BEAT?

Original poster
juicychops · 30/04/2008 18:10

hi everyone dreamymum im probably being thick but what is nlp?

Riven and Autumnlady hope this thread can help you both too.

been ok today so far although still dreading tomorrow without dp and ds.

went swimming with ds today then went to the cake shop and had a choc flapjack. i dont know why i bought it, i just saw it and thought 'im getting it' and i was mortified with myself after i ate it. when i took ds to the toilet i was thinking how easy it would be just to quickly get rid of it. but i managed to distract myself and get out quick. feel all fat and gross but trying to keep busy.

dp will be round soon so will hopefully get through tonight too

OP posts:
BlaDeBla · 30/04/2008 21:09

You are doing so so well juicychops! I found the feeling fat and disgusting hard too. But then, for me, it was really more to do with having a body at all. I didn't want one! Anyway, here I am, with a body that is really pretty fantastic.
I expect you have already been asked to keep a food diary? It can help you identify some triggers. It didn't really work for me because I was so depressed that I had no idea what was going on! Anyway, you are doing so well!

Please keep posting!

Original poster
juicychops · 30/04/2008 21:22

thanks Bladebla. had small portion of pasta in bolognese sauce for dinner but had a few of my dp's chip shop chips too which has made me feel crappy. dying for some choc. got some pineapple in the fridge but gotta let my dinner go down a bit more before i eat that otherwise il feel too bloated and full that it will make me wanna be sick.

i found out today that im getting a 9 week old kitten tomorrow evening so hopefully that will be a distraction from binging.

ive not been asked to keep a food diary yet but i will prob be asked to once i start my sessions with a specialist. so far the dietition has asked me to write a list of trigger foods. There was about 30 things on there!

was going to go for a jog tonight like i did last night but just cant be bothered at all.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 01/05/2008 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bridie3 · 01/05/2008 08:32

One book I found useful was Suzy Orbach's FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE. It's quite old now, but has been revised. I found the thesis that what was happening to me was part of something broadersociety's demands on womenreally helpful. I think she worked with Princess Diana, too. But for me first. Actually I recommended Diana to her. 'Diana,' I said.... No. That last bit's made up but the book is worth reading.

www.newsfromnowhere.org.uk/books/DisplayBookInfo.php?ISBN=0099481936

BlaDeBla · 01/05/2008 11:27

A food diary could help before you see the specialist. Basically, if they give you one to fill in, it looks like a table with the time you ate something or drank something, what you ate or drank, down to the last biscuit, and how you felt about it. I found it was quite possible to binge on a biscuit!

Riven, have you been in touch with BEAT, the eating disorders association? I think they may have local support groups. It's pretty awful feeling as though you're being fobbed off with drugs. Prozac can help a lot. When I first took it, it was the first time in my life that I felt remotely that I belonged in the world.

The Citizens Advice Bureau is a fantastic source of information as well.

vampbaby · 01/05/2008 23:33

hi. I just wanted to tell you a fantastic online forum site called www.something-fishy.org Go for it, and you are doing great!! It will get better and just take ONE DAY at a time!!

Original poster
juicychops · 02/05/2008 07:49

ruined t all last night. went to asda late to get kitten food they had all the cakes and stuff reduced my boyd just went into auto pilot and i bought loads of shit came home stuffed my face then threw it up.

feel so down didn't sleep properly. all my hard work is ruined. feel like ive let everyone down.

i truly hate myself and just cant be bothered with anythin today. i will try not to let this stop me trying hard today but im back to square one and the first day is always the hardest.

the food last night did nothing for me. it didn't even pick me up a bit like it does normally because i knew i would really regret it.

feel rubbish

OP posts:
Bridie3 · 02/05/2008 10:11

No--you haven't ruined it. You just start again. Every day you don't do it is good for your health so you had,what, four days of doing yourself a lot of good.

Original poster
juicychops · 02/05/2008 11:48

i suppose so. stil lfeel like a failure though

OP posts:
lumpsdumps · 02/05/2008 11:54

You are not a failure, I did this so many times on the road to recovery. You are doing so well, keep your chin up. You can get there!

TigerFeet · 02/05/2008 12:06

juicychops you aren't a failure at all. It is a minor blip and no more. You are doing so well. How long has it been since you last binged and threw up? I bet the gap is far larger than it has been for a while adn far larger than you thought you could manage when you first started.

I have a massive problem with binge eating, the difference being that I don't throw up afterwards. As a consequence I have just hit a new all time high body weight . I know how hard it is to stop and I think you are doing so amazingly well. Keep up the good work.

gerbrajess · 02/05/2008 12:43

Hi juicychops...
forgive me I haven't read through the whole thread (so this may have been said already). I've suffered from EDs on and off for a long time and can honestly say that prozac really helps in the run up (while you're) trying to treat the ED - for me it seemed to help quash the urge not to eat / overeat (and made my normal mood much brighter).
I don't know the science behind quashing the urges, but I do know that if your moods a bit brighter, you'll feel in a better place to start tackling the ED.
I'm sure the GP would prescribe ADs to you while you're waiting for your dietician/EDT appointments.

Good luck
Gerbrajess
(ps. I had blips (and still have blips) - it's just part of the recovery - the gap between them will get longer I promise!)

Bridie3 · 02/05/2008 13:49

How are you today, juicychops?

Original poster
juicychops · 02/05/2008 18:19

hi everyone

gerbrajess thanks for that. i do have a docs appointment next wed and going to aske to be put on Prozac as my dietition said the specialist when i finally get my appointment will put me on it anyway but thought id get a head start

today has been fine up until about an hour ago. i had a ham sandwich and a 2 finger kitkat for lunch and didn't have the urge to throw up at all. but had 2 custard cream biscuits an hour ago and they are haunting me really badly and making me wanna have a binge. i even ate them slowly to try and appreciate them a bit but wish i hadn't bothered now.

planned a night of studying tonight so hopefully that will be enough to take my mind off eating

you lot have been so good supporting me through the last few days thanks everyone

OP posts:
gerbrajess · 02/05/2008 18:37

Hi again Juicychops

Have read a bit more of your thread and I identify so much with you 'hating the way your mind works...'. I went from anorexia to compulsive eating over about 15 years and literally, once the thought was planted in my head, there was seemingly nothing I could do about it - I'd head out and shop for a binge. I didn't get any pleasure from it and the only relief was to fall asleep afterwards while my body dealt with it. After one of these binges (and there were many) - i literally couldn't see or communicate with anyone or do anything.

I'd wake up feeling so so much worse - but for various reasons you go back again and again.

Can I just say - my last major binge was now 4 years ago and I never thought I'd be free of my ED. I was put on prozac initially and then saw an EDT for a year. I can't say I'm cured (I don't think I'll ever be 100% cured), but I promise you you will get on top of this if you want to. You're doing fantastically well in being honest on here, I've no doubt you can do it .

take care
Gerbra x

vampbaby · 03/05/2008 07:38

hi juicychops did you try the link I put up? They have online forum and it REALLY helps. Start telling yourself that you love yourself even if you have this condition. It's not you who is doing it, it's ED doing it. And you are doing so well, admitting that you have ED and wanting to get better is already a HUGE step forward. You can fight it and come out on top and start enjoying normal things again. Please go to remember it hurts online forum on the www.something-fishy.org whenever you get the urge and you can type in whatever comes in your head.

Original poster
juicychops · 04/05/2008 07:49

hi everyone. have not been doing well since thursday night. Friday night i had another binge and threw up. last night i didn't have a binge as such, i just had too big a portion of dinner and couldn't deal with the full up feeling which lead me to throw up.

feeling positive this mornihg though and going to try to get through today as it was last Sunday that was the first day i wasn't sick. so my aim it to get to at least Thursday night and hopefully beyond that

cant wait to see the gp on Wed. meant to go to a bbq party tonight but im going to make an excuse and not go as that will just be too much temptation

vampbaby ive had a look at the forum and it looks really good. ive not posted anything yet but i will next time im feeling bad

it sounds stupid, but at the moment i feel like im never going to be able to eat Chinese or Indian, pizzas, sausage in batter,chocolate brownie or ben and jerry ice cream ever again. These are a few of my best foods but trigger foods as they are so fattening and i feel like after ive stopped being sick i will never be allowed to eat them again and its making me feel quite sad. how do i get over these feelings? i know that sounds really pathetic but its how i feel

OP posts:
Bridie3 · 04/05/2008 19:24

You will be able to eat them once you've stopped craving for them, if you see what I mean. After weeks or so without them your body will stop yearning for them and responding to them so powerfully.

nikkid21 · 04/05/2008 20:56

Juicychops - I had bulimia for 10 years from the age of 12. What did it for me was high dose prozac for 6 months and a course of 12 sessions of cbt. Cbt doesn't analyse why you binge but it teaches you strategies for avoiding it.

I've been fairly good for 6 years now with just the odd blip - generally when I have pmt. I know the waiting lists for cbt are very long on the nhs - could you afford to pay privatley for a couse of sessions?

One of the homework tasks that stuck with me is this. If I wanted to binge I had to plan it by laying on the table everything that I was likely to eat in one sitting. Once I started eating I could't get any more out of the fridge / cupboard so you had to get it all out and have it there in front of me. Seeing the sheer volume in one go made me eat far less of it.

I also had to write down everything that I ate. If you write it down you are less likely to just keep stuffing it in plus you can identify what your 'trigger' foods are and start to eliminate them from the house. ie I never ate two biscuits it was always the whole packet.

I'll be honest with you - it wasn't easy but learning the 'coping strategies' worked far better for me than any analysis into why I was unhappy and binged. The prozac side effect were not too bad. The main problem was thet it destroyed my sex drive completly which did put extra pressure on my marraige.

Best of luck to you. Don't beat yourself up for being a grouchy mum. Look on it as a work in process to being a healthy mum with a healthy attitude to food that you can pass onto your kids.

vampbaby · 04/05/2008 21:06

You are doing very well. One thing that might help is to aim for one day at a time....and you are going to have to let ED go, that's why you are probably a bit sad. Do you think you need bulimia as clutch for some other emotional needs? You can have ALL these foods once you have figured out what binge/purge is doing for you at the moment and stop the physical habit of it. Mine had to do with stuffing emotions - anger sadness resentment stress, and a lot has to do with hiding things either from yourself or from other people. I always used to think that I had great self esteem..but I have realized that I don't and accepted it. And I stopped habituary food rituals and tried to build myself from scratch - feeling wise - and it only gets better. One step back doesn't make you a failure. Have lots of sympathy for youself and you are doing fantastic.