hi. looking for recovered ED or bulimia sufferers... quick question...

[juicychops]

ive been refered to an eating disorder (bulimia) specialist, but im on a waiting list which could still take months. this specialist will deal with everything such as the psychological issues and councelling , my diet and also medication.

but in the mean time i am seeing a dietition once a month. i have seen her once so far 2 weeks ago.
she has given me loads of leaflets etc and given me ideas to cut down binging and throwing up and i am really trying but still cant resist the urge as when i go nearly a whole day without binging i get so unbelievably moody and miserable and feel sick and get a headache. it just feels impossible.

she told me instead of trying to stop altogether for now just try and cut it down to throwing up once a day ( i have it quite bad and do it up to about 6 times per day).

so im going a whole day planning to just have one small binge in an evening but im trying to get past the urge to do that one binge as i have gone a whole day without it.

do you understand what i mean?

but the mood swings and anger and anxiety i feel is just impossible to get past so i end up binging then throwing up cos i cant stop myself.

the dietition said when i see the specialist they will prob put me on Prozac as like ive described stopping binging and purging will make me depressed. but i dont want to wait months longer im so ready to deal with this now but the moods and anxiety is stopping me.

if i went to the doctor would they put me on medication now, or would they tell me to wait to see the specialist?

i am so so desperate and its truly ruining my life. not to mention costing me the earth money wise

I had a really bad eating disorder and was completely obsessed with food weight to the exclusion of everything else. I got better through a 12 step programme (Overeaters Anonymous) and it definately saved my life. Slowly but surely my relationship with food has normalised. I haven't now been bulimic for about 7 years and have not eaten sugur for 13 years ( that was my main trigger food). It is possible to get better, just never perfectly!

thanks everyone for your continued support.

was good all day yesterday and it was supprisingly a lot easier than it had been.

im at work today and cant stop thinking about planning a binge tonight. i really dont want to ruin it all again but my mind is constantly thinking about chocolate brownie and onion rings and its making me feel like i just wanna cry.

im trying to think of different things to distract me but cant stop coming back to them thoughts. had an awful dream about my ex killing ds and a police investigation so i dont know if subconsiously that has got to me a bit, but i dont know.

The dream won't have helped. Could you buy something really lovely on your way home? New book? DVD? Magazine?

how are you doing? plan giving yourself a treat instead! massage..new bath oil..

picked ds up from nursery and when we got home he had a massive tantrum. i had a major stress at him as he was so so naughty and i was already stressed out

after i put him to bed i just broke down and got upset and angry and started a big binge on brownie and peanut butter on toast.

finished the binge and been sick. feel releaved its over for the night but so disappointed in myself... the same old circle of feelings.

got my docs appointment tomorrow morning about going on prozac which i am looking forward to and im hoping it will give me that extra push to stay more motivated on good days so that i dont keep ruining them.

i started a food diary yesterday but im too embarrassed to write everything i ate in my binge. it horrifies me to think what i have put into my body this evening

i hate being me. i hate everything about myself at the moment. just look and feel a big mess. i wanna be normal

sorry for being miserable. just on a downer tonight. i suppose at least i dont drink alcohol!!

Tomorrow's another day juicychops and you're seeing the gp so everything you're doing is positive.

Will you let us know if how you get on?
gerbrajess x

hi everyone. got 3 weeks worth of Prozac from gp yesterday. took the first one today.
last night i went to a friends with dp and they cooked us a huge chilli con carne. i wasn't sick and it was the biggest meal i have kept down for god knows how long. it was really really hard and had bad stomach aches in the night where i felt so full and wasn't used to it but feel better today for it although i swear my belly is bigger than it was. i dont dare weigh myself

been picking at fruit muffins me and ds made today and although ive been ok so far, im starting to feel the urge for a binge creeping in. hopefully il be ok

hope everyone is ok

It's horrible feeling full when you're not used to it. The horribleness is psychological - I used to find I could feel as bad eating a biscuit as I could if I had eated 10 fish suppers. Don't weigh yourself, EVER AGAIN! I expect they may weigh you at the doctors, but I think to do it at home is counterproductive. I still hate being weighed and still have a horror of whatever the number is. It's completely irrational!

juicy, thats fantastic, i know its tough but you essentially have to learn a new way to react to food, dont be too hard on yourself. you CAN do it

don't weigh yourself!!!! throw away the scales. yuck, the number don't matter. just concentrate on something else!! doing so well)

Great news, juicy. You'll be fine with the muffins. Just try and leave the house/office wherever the little devils are and distract yourself.

Keep posting here--we want to know how you're doing.

hi everyone. had a good day yesterday. had a binge friday and sat night but they were small ones compared to what they used to be.

didn't feel hungry at all yesterday which was very unusual. i dont know if thats the Prozac doing something? but i did make myself eat proper meals although because i know im not going to allow myself to be sick after, my portion sizes have cut down a lot.

i feel quite good in myself today. i think its where im generally eating a healthier diet and obviously cos im keeping more down than i was.

i hope i have more good days like these. my dp is starting his healthy eating today to loose some weight, which will make it a lot easier for me to eat well as i wont be surrounded by temptation.

hope everyone is well!

Hi everyone thought i would check in and let you know how i am going.

Last night i didn't see dp or have ds with me and i managed to go the whole day and night without binging or being sick. To me this is the hardest time when neither of them are here so im really proud of myself.

dp isn't round tonight either and i have managed to make it through today and tonight too.

i even went to Sainsburys and got a basket and spent 10 mins walking around looking at the crisps and choc but ended up walking out with nothing.

i think im starting to think a bit differently about food now. not totally, but a bit and its making a big difference. maybe the Prozac is doing something. its definately suppressing my apetite which is stopping me from eating so much

never did i ever think i would get through a friday and saturday night without binging.

im seeing the dietition on Thursday so im going to try and make it until then without ruining it. that will be 6 days which will be huge for me and the longest in 6 years.

il keep you posted

That's FANTASTIC!!!!!! Well done.

Feel really shitty today. not binged or been sick since Thursday evening and it is killing me.

i know i am doing well, but i feel so shitty and down and cant be bothered to do anything.

spent all afternoon yesterday in bed cos i had no evergy to do anything. i know im starting to feel a bit depressed

im at work at the moment and cant handle being here. cant concentrate on anything and got no energy to do anything. i feel like im constantly on the verge of starting a binge and it is the worst feeling ever

im considering asking the doctor to sign me off work for a few weeks until the Prozac starts working properly and i start feeling better. do you think that would help me?

my ds is at nursery on Mons and tues so if i wasn't at work there would be so much stuff i could do to better take my mind off feeling this way. work is making me feel worse

what does anyone think?

Hi Juicychops,
Sorry things are so bad. I totally sympathise with the 'being on the verge of a binge feeling' - it's horrid.

You've not binged since Thursday though - that's really fantastic. Your body will feel strange though - a mixture of not having binged for a while and the prozac kicking in - you can feel really quite odd while your body adjusts.

Re the signing off work thing - do you reckon it might actually give you more time on your hands to think about binging? I only say that as I was always worse with binging on quiet days (too much time to think..and eat!).

If you think work is making you feel worse though, and you can take the time off, maybe try a few days and see if it helps.

Hope this helps - you're doing so well

Gerbra x

thanks Gerbra for your reply. i was thinking about that, if id have too much time to think if i wasn't at work, but i think i think about food more at work than i do at home because i find my job quite boring. i just sit at a desk and find myself wanting to eat all day through boredom.

if i was off work and ds is at nursery i can just go for drives and do studying or swimming, stuff i cant normally do when ive got ds with me.

i just want this phase to be over. at the moment it feels like i am going to be this way about food forever. i dont know what to do with myself. my head is everywhere and i keep getting headache. im so tired and cant be bothered to do anything at all. keep thinking of all the things i would like to eat but cant

You're without your crutch, Juicychops, and you're doing a sterling job! I expect that a lot of things that you hadn't dare consider to think about are bubbling to the surface. You are in the process of ending a really crap relationship.

If you have a nice gp, can you let off steam to them? Your hv (if you still have one) may be helpful. I do remember all the reeling and spinning and the need to eat and throw up.

These days, I still have a lunatic father, and the situation with my parents is in many ways far worse than it ever was. That's them, and why should I self-destruct on their behalf? My life had no boundaries, but it is so much better now that I have a clearer (I hope!) idea of what is me and what is not me.

Keep posting and do try those food diaries, however awful it may seem at the time.

thanks BlaDeBla. me and dp got back together after a few days and have worked through our problems and he's taken all the debt he had piled on me away now and into his own name so we are ok now. i dont think i could do this without him either. he has been far better than i thought he would be.

i have been doing a food diary for nearly 2 weeks now and looking at the days of my binges are quite horrifying but ive tried to be honest with what ive eaten to remind me how crap i felt when i ate what i ate

my gp is nice enough although i dont think i could talk to him comfortably about all my problems. a lot of problems from my past have been coming to the surface lately too but i think that wont go away until i start councelling.

as i have private health cover through work i should be about to get a private appointment in the next few weeks to see a psychiatrist to get my councelling and eating sprted by a professional instead of waiting another god knows how many months on NHS

hi everyone just thought id check in with my progress.

today is day 8 of not binging or being sick. it is really realyl hard and almost ruined it yesterday but managed to hold it together.

saw the dietition yesterday. she said im doing really well. i showed her my food diary so she could see what im eating. she said i need to add a bit more starchy food to my diet as im not eating enough but other than that what im eating is ok for now as i have no appetite most of the time from the Prozac.

got an appointment to see a specialist in 2 weeks privately through my health cover at work and the doc has signed me off work until 9th June as i cant seem to cope there at the moment.

hope everyone is ok

WELL DONE!! I think that seeing a dietician is a good thing to do. As I've said already, it was something that I have found very helpful, especially in the longer term. At the time, it was good to know what my body actually needed, and although my diet was limited, at least I knew what to eat. These days, I eat pretty much anything although I still don't like other people buttering my toast, which is totally irrational, but does not really affect day-to-day life much!

thanks BlaDeBla. yeah, im finding it really useful too knowing what my body needs more of and its reasuring that what i am eating is ok and also that although im not being sick, im not putting weight on either... at the moment!!

today is the first day i feel like i have energy and im not feeling all slugish like i have been the last week. maybe its my body getting used to my new eating habits, or it might be because i had a proper dinner for the first time in ages with potatoes and meat

last night craved chocolate like crazy and my dp said why dont i treat myself to a small bag of malteasers, which i considered. but i know that if i had eaten a small bag, it might of triggered off a binge and i may not have been able to control myself.

been buying the expensive nice fruit salads from Marks and Spencers to treat myself to replace the binging in the evenings. although it is expensive, its still probably cheaper than all the food i was buying daily before.

today is day 9...

Hi Juicychops - well done you

I think what BladeBla said about the dietician is spot on...I actually refused the option of seeing one when I was having counselling and I kick myself for that as it probably would have helped me get better more quickly.

In my view, to get food advice from someone in terms of what's good for you, what your body needs etc. is brilliant. You'll eventually start seeing food in a totally different way - ie. fuel, tasty, not wrong!!

Good luck with it all, keep us posted on how you're getting on...

If you ever feel like you'll never beat it, just remember you WILL. I never imagined I'd beat my ED demons, but I did and you can too !

Gerbra x

hiya everyone thought id just check in

gone back to binging and being sick the last 5 days and it just seems impossible to get back out of it again. its getting me down

saw the psychiatrist on Monday which was good. he's recommended i double the dose of Prozac and i will need about 16 weekly sessions of cognitive therapy with a psychologist. should have my first appointment in the next week.

he also listened to my life 'story'and picked out the bits which he thinks are the root causes of my eating disorder so they are the things i will have to work on. 2 of them were obvious, but one of them i didn't realise had effected me that badly until e talked about it

looking forward to starting the weekly sessions. ive been off work for 3 weeks now which has been really nice. im due back on Monday which i am dreading.

i want to ask to be signed off for longer but i dont know if i dont want to go to work because i physically and mentally dont think i can handle it at the moment, or because i just dont want to go.

also lost a bit of weight where when im not binging, i feel too scared to eat properly in case i put on weight.
feel like ive gone quite far backwards which is disappointing

Hi thought id check in again and say hi as im not really doing so well at the moment. Im not having many good days lately im just finding it so hard to make it through day one again.

The longest i went was 9 days in a row but by the end of it i was missing normal food so so much that i just kind of gave up cos i missed binging too much which is just crazy!

im now on 40mg of Prozac which i can feel is doing something in the mornings because i wake up really happy and positive. but by about 2pm i am on such a come down and just want to sleep or binge and it is like every activity is a huge effort

i hate feeling this way. ive got to see my GP this week as its been 3 weeks since ive been on the double dose of Prozac and he will decide weather i should go up to 60mg. i dont know weather that would help me more or make my come down even worse

i have got my first cognitive therapy on Thursday morning which i am looking forward to. im hoping that will be the turning point to help me get through some days

i also bought a book on binge eating off ebay which should be here in the next day or so. im hoping that will help a bit too.

my dp thinks im not doing enough to help myself, which in some respects im not as i am giving into the verge to binge a lot easier than i was a few weeks ago.

i just need some reassurance that i will get through this and wont always feel this way. i feel like such a freak at the moment. when im eating a meal people say 'gosh, i dont know where you put it!' it makes me feel like suck a fake.

i want to be able to feel comfortable with my body and not petrified of putting on weight like i am now