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Original poster

has anyone ever had an abortion and felt it was the right decision or regretted it?

92 replies

pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 21:29

if anyone is willing to share there story with me id appreciate it, although id understand if you didn't want to

do you get treated better if you go private?

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 13/02/2008 22:27

I think you ought to mention your dread of the birth too, there is a mner on here (can't remember what her name is, will try and remember) who is quite experienced with dealing with birth trauma and there is an organisation that can help too.

fingerwoman · 13/02/2008 22:28

yes PBE, why not start another thread re birth trauma and subsequent births, am sure there are other mners who have been through this too

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 22:31

thankyou everyone, every reply helps
tho, i have only ever wanted one or two
i thought if i did ever feel like i could do it again, it would be in about 5 years

maybe i can try and speak to some mums on here that have exprienced a planned section as maybe i wouldnt find that op as trumatic as i did my last, after all an a emegency op must be one of the most stressful things you can go though in your life surely?

OP posts:
fingerwoman · 13/02/2008 22:32

i would think so. you sound like you had a really rough time before. have you spoken to anyone about it since? counselling or anything?

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 22:34

i do feel i could just about cope with the pregnacy.
i do feel i could definatly love and provide a good home and life for the baby.
i do not think i could cope with either a planned cs,operation or birth
and i definatly cannot cope with having another 4th degree tear

OP posts:
fingerwoman · 13/02/2008 22:37

ok, well if you did go for planned c-section you wouldn't have to worry bout the tear,
and if you reckon you'd be ok with pregnancy, and of course loving your new baby that just leaves us with the c-section problem

i think you need to have a talk with your dh, and see if that one issue alone is bad enough to make you want to terminate this pregnancy.
and please do talk to your GP, and some other mumsnetters and get some more opinions and options.

what is it exactly about ops that scares you?

NorthernLurker · 13/02/2008 22:42

You could ask someone to go through your maternity notes with you so you can get a handle on what happened - but that needs to be done very carefully as obviously can raise a lot of issues that you will need to process. Seeing your GP sounds very sensible. There's an organisation called the Birth Trauma Association (think that's the name) who could maybe help you - google them.

I've seen other threads like yours - and one thing that often gets asked is 'do you see the pregnancy as a problem or as a baby' The consensus seems to be that if you see it as a baby it is much harder, not impossible, but harder to cope with the aftermath of a termination.

So sorry you're in this difficult place - hope you can find you're way through it all soon.

Clegg · 13/02/2008 22:44

I had an abortion about 12 years ago. I managed not to think about it for years, but as soon as I had DD1, I started having dreams about 'the other baby' and waking dh up to help me find the other baby, it would happen a lot, I would wake up really frightened that I had lost him/her or he/she had been taken. I didn't make the assosiation for ages, but it calmed down once I gave myself time to think about it. The same happened when I had had dc2.
You can never go back. Never. I could never mke a decision to terminate a pregnancy now I know what a baby is like. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't actually realise what I had done until I had my children.
You posts really sound like you could give a new baby a happy and wonderful home. It looks to me like you need some expert help discussing your birth options rather than whether or not you should be having a termination.
I have a 14 month age gao between children, and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.
I wish you all the best, and honestly hope you make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that decision is. Good luck.

Clegg · 13/02/2008 22:44

I had an abortion about 12 years ago. I managed not to think about it for years, but as soon as I had DD1, I started having dreams about 'the other baby' and waking dh up to help me find the other baby, it would happen a lot, I would wake up really frightened that I had lost him/her or he/she had been taken. I didn't make the assosiation for ages, but it calmed down once I gave myself time to think about it. The same happened when I had had dc2.
You can never go back. Never. I could never mke a decision to terminate a pregnancy now I know what a baby is like. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't actually realise what I had done until I had my children.
You posts really sound like you could give a new baby a happy and wonderful home. It looks to me like you need some expert help discussing your birth options rather than whether or not you should be having a termination.
I have a 14 month age gao between children, and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.
I wish you all the best, and honestly hope you make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that decision is. Good luck.

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 22:44

thanks for listening to me its becoming clearing in my mind how i feel about thiongs just be reading my last post.

im not sure what scares me about it tbh
i honestly found the op the worst experience of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 22:44

thanks for listening to me its becoming clearing in my mind how i feel about thiongs just be reading my last post.

im not sure what scares me about it tbh
i honestly found the op the worst experience of my life

OP posts:
fingerwoman · 13/02/2008 22:46

i think if you have a planned section you can prepare for it though. think you just get a spinal block, so you would be awake throughout and know what's going on as well, would that help do you think? and your dh would be there with you

rantinghousewife · 13/02/2008 22:48

Right, have had a look and I think it's Lulumama who knows quite a bit about birth trauma. Had a scan of previous threads and I found this link, may be worth having a look.

Catz · 13/02/2008 22:49

PBE - there are loads and loads of threads on the childbirth topic about planned sections. I've no personal experience but my BF had one a couple of weeks ago and so we both did a lot of reading about it. I think you'd find it completely different from the operation you had. Certainly BF said that it was a great experience, extremely calm- she asked the mw who was with her whether she was likely to feel anything at the first cut and the mw told her they were already halfway through! The recovery has been good too.

If it's the birth that worries you then you've still got time to think that through, see your GP and get advice here etc and find out whether you'd be able to elect for a c/s. I've done some work on abortion (as an academic, not medical side) and those who find it traumatic are often those who can imagine the baby.

I hope you find the right answer to this whatever it is.

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 22:57

fm yes i would help if dh was there with me as last time he had to stay with dd and i was totally alone.i had a spinal last time

thankyou rhw ill go and look at this thread.

catz do you think it sounds like im imagining the baby?

OP posts:
mumofdjandp · 13/02/2008 22:58

I so feel for you after ds1 I was feeling exactly like you describe basically traumatised on every single level (very similar set up).

A midwife diagnosed me as having post traumatic dosorder months later (not PND) and said that it is increasingly common sadly.

if I had fallen preg at your stage I would have been devastated.

as it happens I got preg with dc2 (for dh sake and ds1) and i got something akin with ante natal depression but I knew that basically I was just bricking it and you know what? the birth was ok second time round, totally totally different and it rectified alot of my first birth horrors and the bond I have with my sec child as a result is quite incredible. as it was the experience I had wanted first time round and I felt like I had some power in a borth situ.

I have a fab bond with ds1 but was concerned about ds2 birth/bonding and was medicated the whole time when preg with ds2 and even had to see the mental health team so I dooooooooo understand a little of what you are describing. I feel for you so much.

I fear if you terminate you will regret it big time as you will be deciding from a post traumatic point of view and it doesnt last forever thankfully. i def recommend you get counselling before making any big decision as I never asked for help and cracked when preg sec time round - not worth that

would love to support you if I could in any way youre welcome to email me if you want to

please cat me if you want xx

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 23:00

i really dont think i could take the risk of having a 4th degree tear again, the only way would be for me to overcome my terror [not fear] of operations.

if i did decided to have the baby i could ask my gp to sign me off sick for the 9 weks id be due back at work either that or just quit. thats th least of my worries really.

if i did have a termination i think id have to go for the pill.

OP posts:
mumofdjandp · 13/02/2008 23:03

I had a section sec time round and was terrified (had the section due to trauma of first birth as ds1 was born my emergency section anyway) and my sec section was was easy I mean easy. the recovery was easy. i felt great. so all could end well.

and beleive me I was not well when preg they (medical people and family) were worried sick!

and we have been a happy wee unit ever since thank god!

Clegg · 13/02/2008 23:04

sorry, my post seemed to repeat what others had said, didn't read whole thread

mitch560 · 13/02/2008 23:06

PBE-went with a friend this week about terminating her pregnancy. (Father been sectioned so def not right for her to proceed) Tablet only available if less than 9 weeks and scan has to be done first to confirm this.
FWIW I had a very traumatic 3rd delivery and narrowly avoided CS as baby in distress and tore badly. Was BF exclusively and when he was just 3 months old found out I was PG again... totally shocked, unplanned and very scared. My husband still felt traumatised from birth of no 3 and I couldn't imagine how we'd cope.

The good news is that no 2 births are the same and I had my last baby at home. She weighed nearly 10lbs and was born in less than an hour! AND i didn't tear!!! I'd convinced myself that even if I had a home delivery I'd have to go to hospital to be stiched up after.

Sorry for long post but I hope you make the right decision for you. I remember the Health Visitor telling me how difficult it would be for at least the first 6 months with 2 close together and expecting it to be awful but in fact when you're used to sleepless nights and endless nappy changes its not as bad as when you've got used to not dealing with it. xx

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 23:08

oh sorry i forgot to answer your questions i do not have pnd i dont feel depressed. its more post traumatic stress disorder

ill post back on here tomorrow as dh is calling me upto bed, ill have a chat with him again. he said hes happy whatever i decide

mum of d jand p can i post you a few qustions tomorrow?

i did complain to the hospital where dd was born and i had a letr of apologe from the cheif executive becaus of they wsy i was treated basically i got treated lik a piece of shit there. so i though ok theyve spoken to the ones that where horrible to me and they have apolagised so i left it as that. but i think i may benefit from reading my notes, who would go through them with me a midwife from the hospital? or someone independent ?

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 13/02/2008 23:12

thanks for all your posts ill be back tomorrow

feeling a bit better already, thank you i truely mean that

OP posts:
Catz · 13/02/2008 23:13

PBE - I really wouldn't want to say whether you'd be likely to find post-abortion traumatic or not, I think you should def see your GP and professional advisers who can talk through your specific situation with you. The reason I mentioned it was that, TBH, the mention of having a home and garden for it and being able to love it did suggest to me that you might be imagining the baby etc and that that might make things difficult if you did go ahead. I've no medical training whatsoever though so don't take that too seriously - talk it through with the professionals.

It's such a difficult decision, thinking of you.

mumofdjandp · 13/02/2008 23:13

of course you can please do because you ahve nooooooooooo idea how much I understand !!!!!!!!

I would love to hear from you

kaz33 · 14/02/2008 09:05

could you get a douala to be with you at the birth, there are a couple who post I think - Pupuce being one ?? Basically you have an additional birth partner who is with you and who knows your history.